It seems like not a day goes by I don’t talk to a spouse who is dealing with a spouse who is ambivalent or undecided about where they want to be. I wish it was limited to just the unfaithful, but it happens to both spouses alike, unfaithful and betrayed. You just aren’t sure what you want to do or where you want to be.
The unfaithful become ambivalent about where they want to be. Should they pursue the illicit life of the affair with what seems to make them happy and fulfilled or should they return home to see if there is a future and a hope with their spouse?
The betrayed wonder if they can ever trust their spouse again and is it really worth it in the end? Should they be willing to expose their heart and vulnerabilities all over again, only to be raked over the coals...
It was commonplace that Samantha would ask me a ton of questions about the affair. Did I love her? Was I really trapped? What did we do, how often, when, where, what did you feel? I hated all of it and I’m quite sure she hated it more.
It was very common that during these types of conversations I’d pull back. She called it retreating. I hated to talk about it and hated to recant the details and feelings of my affair(s). I felt horrible. I hated myself, hated what I had done and didn’t want to keep reliving it. Early on, I would hesitantly give details and offered them up somewhat freely as I had to. As we got further along, a few months in, I’d get edgy and irritable when pressed with questions and concerns. Further down the road, after we found Rick, I would gladly offer up...
If you’re a regular on my blog, you’ll note that I make no excuses for my infidelity or anyone else’s. Bad marriages don’t cause infidelity, bad choices do. Betrayed spouses often believe if they would have just had more sex with their spouse, or paid attention to their needs, they wouldn’t have cheated. That reasoning is flawed entirely. Sure, sure there may have been vulnerabilities within the marriage, yet the fact remains, we cheat out of selfishness and dysfunction.
It’s at this point however that we must note the battle the betrayed must fight. It’s a battle against seduction. Typically, I see the betrayed seduced by bitterness, anger and resentment. Don’t the betrayed have a right to be angry? Absolutely. However, what I’m speaking to is the seduction to be...
Our affairs are selfish in nature. I hope it gives more credence to that fact since I’m a former unfaithful.
I’m certainly not proud of that, but I am elated when I can talk to other unfaithfuls and help walk them through their own situation and struggle. I’m sure we all love it when we have community we can relate to and that understand our own struggles, because they are dealing with it themselves.
The unfortunate reality is, we the unfaithful, think we’re heroic when we say “let’s move on and let’s heal.” We think we’re giving some sort of encouraging word that our betrayed should grab hold of and shout “Oh thank God….I’m so glad that my knight in shining armor is NOW ready to heal. My life can get back to normal again.” We think it takes great courage to rise up and...
As I’ve written before, recovery is a journey. It’s been nine years and I’m still learning. Rick said just last month at one of our EMS Weekends, “It’s been almost 30 years and I’m still learning.” Recovery, I believe, is a progression as we return to understanding and a sense of ‘wholeness’ after our demise. If we’re open and malleable, I believe we’ll find healing for all of our wounds we’ve encountered in life, including infidelity and even childhood.
It’s a terrible childhood memory which is my backdrop today. It certainly ties in to my approach post-infidelity but some background will serve a purpose first.
My father and mother divorced when I was about a year old after he returned from fighting in Vietnam. My father would remarry a couple times till his death when...
Yesterday I was listening to a Ted Talk by Debra Jarvis, a female chaplain to those who are both terminally ill with cancer and those who are going through chemotherapy. It was as uplifting as it could be considering the topic. A cancer survivor herself, she had several wonderful things to say. She made a statement after losing one of her breasts and going through her own excruciating story which I found to be so true for all types of recovery. She charged her listeners to ”claim your experience and not let it claim you.”
Yes, I can hear you already….how the hell do you claim your experience when you’ve just had your heart, life, and reality for the last several years ripped out right from under you? How do you claim your experience when all you’ve ever known to be stable or...
Life caters towards pity parties. There seems to always be something going wrong and there is always someone to blame. Part of me says if we’d blame ourselves a bit more, we may take more responsibility for our own actions and the world would be a better place.
However, I have met and pastored and talked to hundreds who blame themselves too much and in an arbitrary way. Blaming ourselves for too much can be equally destructive. I’ve blamed myself for a ton in life to the point where I’ve had to realize life is not always about me. There is a sort of false humility which is not enjoyed by anyone, least of all our spouses. Shame is also a dark and deceptive culprit which likes to make things all about us.
Early on in recovery, a man I met encouraged me to say to myself...
Many wonder if the unfaithful spouse ever returns to normal after their affair. Do they ever regain a sense of their own former personhood or do they ever get back to their former selves?
If they obtain the necessary help to heal, the answer is fortunately no. They don’t just go back to being the same person that will inevitably repeat the same mistakes; they become an even better version of themselves.
How is that possible? Well, when the right help is found, an unfaithful spouse finds two principle factors in their recovery: remorse and clarity.
Everyone loves a comeback.
The problem with comebacks is that they are hard as heck to pull off. Anything worth having is worth working for, and I’ve learned the things that matter most usually are hardest and require the most grace to pull off.
Just yesterday an old staff member of mine reached out to tell me how moved he was to see pictures of my kids and our family stable, strong, and healed. It encouraged him about life, marriage, recovery and even God’s grace. It’s not come easy but small moments like that make it all worth it.
...
"We cannot bear a pointless torment, but we can endure great pain if we believe that it's purposeful.”
I was reading this morning and thinking of so many of you. Day after day I talk to many who are in such crisis and confusion. Finding hope at this new ‘ground zero’ can feel impossible sometimes.
Yet, in the somber moments of our struggle, we have to ask if we truly believe the pain we are experiencing is purposeful. If we believe it’s not, our hope diminishes and we circle the drain of despair and perceived pointlessness to our recovery and even our lives. However, if we believe this pain and this...
When we undermine ourselves, we end up being angry at ourselves for not doing what we said we would. It launches us into anger and, at times, a temporary self-hatred. Time after time betrayed spouses will feel an even greater sense of anger towards themselves as they feel like their unfaithful spouse is deceiving them yet again.
The fact is you don’t know what you don’t know. You’ll need help to know whether or not it is safe to reengage with your spouse. Quite honestly, sometimes it’s great and much needed to be vulnerable or even physically intimate with your spouse even while in crisis, yet in other situations, it’s one of the worst things you can do....
I often hear a betrayed spouse talk about allowing their spouse to come back home, or being intimate with their unfaithful spouse, or having a good weekend, and suddenly things go south. Just the other day a woman was discussing with me that she feels like she is undermining herself when she is nice to her previously unfaithful husband.
It’s even more apparent when an unfaithful tries to describe his betrayed spouse’s behavior. “It’s like she turns on a dime,” they’ll say. “We’ll have a great week,...
I can be a yeller. You know, the parent that remains calm, cool and collected and then finally gets pushed over the edge and lets it rip? Yeah, I can blow it. I’ve done much better over the years and have found a new sense of momentum, but I wanted to share something with you I’ve learned the hard way about yelling.
The fact is, the person who yells is often times yelling at themselves; not you, not the kids, not even the guy who cut them off.
We’re yelling at ourselves for doing what we’ve done.
We’re yelling at ourselves for NOT doing what we know we should have done in the first place.
We’re yelling because we feel out of control and our typical first instinct is to try to control things.
I typically yell loudest when I feel out of...
Often times we’re blind to the depth of our own bitterness or resentment. It’s seductive when you’re dealing with infidelity as you should be angry, and have every right to be angry for what your spouse has done. If they’ve cheated or lived a double life, to not be angry would be alarming to anyone. Sometimes we’re unaware of just how bitter we are and that deep seeded resentment can be rather intoxicating. The only problem is, when we’re intoxicated we usually are unaware of our actions and our mannerisms and we end up only making things worse. When there are prolonged seasons of bitterness or resentment, we can also then torture both ourselves and our mates emotionally. We systematically refuse to let go of our bitterness which we perceive as justifiable. The fact is though...
Lately, I’ve talked with several people who seem to be overwhelmed with raw bitterness and resentment. Now, there are a million slogans, quotes and catch phrases on what bitterness does and what anger does and I get that. Today I’d like to keep it simple and highlight one consequence of bitterness and resentment that’s not only dangerous but imprisoning.
Plain and simply put, bitterness and resentment blind us.
If we’ve been unfaithful, our bitterness at our spouse (or life), blinds us to our betrayed spouse’s emotions, triggers, consequences and struggles. We make it all about us and our resentment towards our spouse or others, for unmet needs or unmet expectations which then enable our own blindness. I learned long ago that if the person I think about most is...
For many, including myself, remorse came over time as I came to my senses and got healthy.
Immediately upon disclosure, I was sorry I got caught more than I was genuinely sorry for the damage inflicted upon my spouse.
I hear lots of times that betrayed spouses are furious that there isn’t any remorse on the part of the unfaithful for their actions. They wonder how they can commit such grievous acts of betrayal and not be perpetually begging for forgiveness. It’s more normal than you would think and it’s complicated to unpack. Yet, here are a few reasons why remorse may not be there yet.
In my previous post we talked about wandering away, over time, little by little. No one just wakes up and has an affair and ruins their life and their spouse’s life. There are reasons an affair happens, and then there are more reasons a spouse stays in an affair and refuses to quit. Left to ourselves, void of accountability and continual connection with our spouse, I truly believe we are given to wandering, looking elsewhere for affirmation and boosts to our self-esteem. Without a plan, we’ll eventually fall prey to some sort of call for our attention from somewhere, or as many of us here know, someone.
As I alluded to, we have to be calculated in our recovery, even after an affair, if we want to not wander again.
I can hear many of you already saying “...
It’s not uncommon to hear a spouse say, “It was like they changed overnight. All of a sudden they were just different.”
It happens more often than it should. We wander and cheat. Our wandering, however, doesn’t happen overnight. That’s the illusion; that the unfaithful wake up and all of a sudden we don’t want to be with our spouse anymore and we want to venture out to “greener grass.” It’s simply not true. Sure, one night stands happen all the time. Alcohol convolutes things and impairs judgment, but even in a one night stand our actions that lead up to putting ourselves in a dangerous, high risk situations are usually not in an instant but over time.
It’s a slow fade when it comes to moral impairment and compromising our integrity and character.
As an...
When dealing with recovery, there are three main components which must be healed and addressed. We mistakenly think it’s just about the marriage and if we can heal the marriage, we can return to safety and security and the trauma will magically disappear.
I’ve heard it a thousand times, “we need to save our marriage, it’s all about the marriage.” The problem is, there are two other primary components which must be addressed as well, or the marriage will never truly be saved or even really safe.
The three facets are you, your spouse and then your marriage.
So often we jump to trying to restore the marriage that each spouse does not get the recovery they need personally, thus putting the whole marriage ecosystem in jeopardy. If it’s just about saving the marriage...
How many times has the betrayed heard this statement: “You need to get over this and move on…?”
Once is enough to produce violent retribution in the mind of the betrayed I’m quite sure. To hear it time and time again is to communicate indifference, shame and to perpetuate the implication that you (the betrayed) do not matter. It further implies you do not have feelings which need to be validated or cared for and that what happened wasn’t that bad after all.
But we, the unfaithful, want you to get over it for a few reasons. They are not necessarily dignified, and these are both facetious yet delicately accurate. They are reasons and we are seldom coherent to what is really going on early on in recovery so we push for you to get over it quickly.
Here...
The unfaithful cheat and then they have the nerve to be angry….how does that work?
It sounds crazy, but upon further review it makes sense.
I was angry when my affair came out. I was a lot of other things as well: numb, confused, shocked, disengaged and disconnected. My classic reasoning system was “Well, if she would have been more aware of my needs, maybe I wouldn’t have cheated.” “If I wasn’t just a fourth kid, maybe things would have been different.” Lunacy, I know.
The unfaithful typically will resort to anger as a secondary emotion. We often times feel an intense amount of guilt, shame and condemnation and instead of sharing those feelings, genuinely letting down our guard, and being vulnerable, what the betrayed see is more and more anger and hostility....
Today is the 13th anniversary of 9/11, the worst terrorist attack upon our nation’s soil. From moving pictures all over social media, to commemorative speeches and ceremonies, it’s a huge reminder of what happened 13 years ago. For those of us old enough to remember that day, we’ll truly never forget where we were, what we felt and what the nation experienced.
Anniversaries are tough. The first year anniversary of D-Day of an affair is probably one of the toughest anniversaries to get through. Our first year anniversary we were doing very well. So well, in fact, that I rented us a suite at the Four Seasons downtown and we had a pretty wonderful time. I tried to do the best I could to help distract from the agony of the huge reminder August 26th is for both Samantha and me. The...
Today’s post is directed towards the unfaithful. I’m certainly hopeful the betrayed will shout a big ‘Amen’ to my thoughts today, or even show this to their unfaithful spouses. Having been an unfaithful myself, believe me when I say there are no stones being thrown at you today. I’d only be throwing them at myself as well, and to go a step further, it would be completely self-righteous to lay judgment on someone who is just like me, an unfaithful.
A concept that’s hard to really grasp for some is the reality that our actions (the unfaithful) at some level will determine what the future looks like. Quite often I’ll ask a betrayed spouse this question: “Are you open to the restoration of the marriage?” The answers are all over the board, but one thing is pretty sure: most,...
After my earlier post this week, I had some wonderful talks with many who are navigating through the fight for their own heart. As many have affirmed from their own journey, it’s no easy task. From underlying bitterness and resentment to blaming and even feeling justified, we have several land mines we must walk through each day in our journey towards personal healing and restoration.
Not to go unmentioned, as a few indicated, we must remain passionate to care for our spouse’s heart. It should be on the forefront of our mind and dedication. However, for this series and the immediate thoughts of today, I’d like to stay focused on our own healing.
Somewhere, sometime, we ultimately must cry out to get healthy and healed and free, for me. (Yes, we hope there is a...
Life comes at you fast. Between pressures and responsibilities, obligations and duties, each day carries fluctuating odds on how long it takes to sometimes lose it. I hate to sound like a downer but lately there has been a good deal of pressure I’ve been walking through. Finding the balance to manage everything has taken some work for sure.
To those struggling with the effects of infidelity, each day is a long haul. For the betrayed it’s excruciating with reminders, triggers and confusion. The task of finding hope can seem exhausting in and of itself. Rising above the roaring waves of depression to simply care for kids, go to work, or care for your self can feel like a upward trek that has no end.
For the unfaithful, their journey is challenging in that it also feels...
Several of my friends have had their kids transition into college this fall. From a large gallery of pictures on Facebook, to parent blogs, to a multitude of tear-filled conversations, I can tell you I am not looking forward to the time when I have to do the same. I’ve already had a tough enough time with my oldest making the transition to high school, and I know I’m going to blink and he will be attending college.
Transitions and interruptions to life as a whole are tough. Just yesterday I had a phone conversation with a woman who is in the public eye and whose life has been shattered by her husband’s infidelity. Her life, her husband’s life, and her family’s life will never be the same again. To say it’s a transition is to put it lightly and to say it’s a mere...
Pursuing recovery after infidelity is no easy or short task. It can seem insurmountable and exhausting on any given day and reduce you to hopelessness within 1/200th of a second. From reminders to triggers to thoughts of what life could have been like, recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. I believe that when you are able to sprint, sprint like there’s no tomorrow. When the pace slows, it’s about finding a new pace. I’ve seen over the years Samantha and I find new paces. Some were thrilling and so enjoyable; some were memorable for all the wrong reasons. Yet, in a surreal way, there was a pace to it.
As you’ll hear from both Rick and myself, as well as almost anyone who has gone through infidelity and has their head on straight, this is a long road but it isn’t...
It’s easy to find yourself hopeless and exhausted during the process of recovery. Let’s face it, this whole ordeal is a nightmare for everyone involved, none more so than the betrayed spouse obviously. Time and time again though, I find couples who are exasperated not by the infidelity per se, but the frustration of trying to heal on their own, or with a ‘one size fits all’ counseling approach. Let me be so bold to tell you that’s a recipe for disaster. With no desparaging remarks towards any counselor or pastor, rabbi, priest or layman, the fact is unless they have been through it, and are an expert, they will not get it.
I say pretty boldly that Rick saved my life and saved our marriage. Yes we had to do work, and we had to plough through the process (and my darkness and...
When recovering from infidelity, emotional flooding will most certainly be a piece to the puzzle. When flooding arises, chaos seems to ensue. If you’ve ever flooded emotionally, you know it’s excruciating. Many describe it as an influx of almost uncontrollable emotions where flight or fight seems to rule the day and our heart rate spikes at least 20%. Attempting to curtail this flooding with a simple “get over it” or “what’s wrong with you” or “lookout, here we go again” ensures certain disaster. It will only intensify heart rates, emotional flooding and instability and the speed in which things like dishes, silverware, books, cell phones or anything else within arm’s reach is thrown by the spouse who is flooding.
Flooding is real. If you’re an unfaithful, I assure you this is...
Lately Samantha and I have had several challenges to deal with. Most of them stressful and most of them fear-induced.
One of the most difficult struggles has been the idea of what will happen when this particular event happens, or when this milestone happens. For those struggling with infidelity the idea of being five months down the road, or five years down the road can seem impossible. Many of you are simply trying to get through today and there is not only a spiritual precedent for such thinking but there is a recovery principle of simply living ‘one day at a time.’ I get it, believe me I do.
When we are considering what we’ll have to face and what we’ll have to endure down the road (which we can’t even see sometimes), I’ve come to a great understanding of the...
Alumna, betrayed. After enduring Betrayal Trauma, Karen developed a passion for assisting other betrayed partners in their journey to grieve, find hope, and rebuild their lives following such a life-shattering event.
Alumna. Proud to walk with you through the drama and trauma caused by infidelity.
Alumna, Betrayed. A compassionate traveling companion who walks alongside those seeking hope, health, and harmony through betrayal trauma.
Alumna. Wayward. Using the experience and learnings from my own healing to inspire and encourage others on their journey post-infidelity.
Wayward codependent. Empowering others to find hope and healing in their own recovery and restoration journey. Passionate about the ripple effects of healing from infidelity on the younger generations.
Alumni. Rodney and Angela. Channeling hope and healing through music after experiencing God's healing power from the tsunami of infidelity.
Alumna, navigating recovery from both sides of infidelity. Bringing hope to those enduring their darkest moments.
Alumna. Betrayed. Seeking to inspire hope in those recovering from the devastating effects of infidelity or addiction.
Alumnus. Wayward. Encouraging those walking the road of addiction recovery by sharing his own journey of healing and restoration.
Alumna, Betrayed. Seeking God's grace to find meaning and purpose in the pain. Hoping to share my life raft with others drowning in the despair of infidelity.
Alumnus, Wayward. Providing hope, encouragement and infidelity-specific insight to anyone in recovery from betrayal.
Alumna. Betrayed. Sharing her testimony of God's miraculous healing from betrayal trauma to inspire hope in others.
Alumna. Wayward. Sharing hope with others struggling from the shame and destruction of their bad choices. Restoring the broken pieces by the healing power of God’s unfailing love.
Alumna. Wayward. Striving to become a woman of integrity. Together, we can find light in the darkness of infidelity.
Alumna. Betrayed. Striving to recover and thrive after betrayal. I believe gratitude is the antidote to grief. If I can help you in your healing, therein lies my own.
Alumna. Member, EMS Weekend Retreat Team. Hope and healing are possible for anyone willing to work through the pain.
Alumnus. Betrayed. Trying to find his way back.
Alumna. Wayward. A broken and undeserving mess who is learning what real love looks like.
Alumna. Betrayed. Determined to be positive as I navigate the quagmire of recovery.
Alumna. Betrayed. A soul restored. Encouraging others to keep walking because there is a way through. Author of Keep Walking: 40 Days to Hope and Freedom After Betrayal
Alumna. Betrayed. Grateful for God's love and grace. Recognizing that with God as my priority, I will be okay no matter what.
Alumnus. Betrayed. No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, my wife is always worth it!
Alumna. Betrayed. Learning to love recklessly while I cross the monkey bars of recovery. "You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." - C.S. Lewis
Alumna. Betrayed. Walking in obedience to God's direction and experiencing a richer life and Renewed marriage.
Alumnus. Wayward. Living life differently, enjoying my wife and family, and grateful for God’s love.
Alumna. Betrayed. Experiencing God's love after divorce. Celebrating the healing of myself and my identity.
Alumna. Betrayed. Continuing to fight for my marriage and my children.
Alumnus. Wayward. Living proof that seeking truth offers both incredible pain and amazing freedom.
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