Though I am the betrayed, I am also an occasional 'ice queen'. ;)
After listening to Samuel's blog, and reading your response, something struck me. I know I had a problem understanding the concept, "my mate is not the problem, they only reveal the problems in me." My spouse also had difficulty with this concept. I believe it is at the essence of what you are asking. There are two questions I would propose need to be asked of your wife (probably best not asked by yourself) –
1) Is what you did wrong? Either yes, or no. No, "yes, but…" Or, "no, because…"
2) if her answer is no, then I would probably step back and reevaluate. If her answer is yes, as I expect it will be, the next question asked would be, "what could/should you have done differently then?" When she enters, it might be good to have her friend, or whomever, take notes. I am guessing this is where the issues that she, and you, need to work on will surface. I would speculate there would be answers something like this, "well, I should have done… But, I was afraid to because…" Or, " I could have… But I didn't because…". The answers there can reveal childhood situations or traumatic events that conditioned her to respond in a certain manner, or not in a particular manner. The answers can also review deficits or issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, ranging from poor communication for whatever reason to, a fear of a particular response , etc. if/when the two of you talk about this though, it would be the scenario where you have to promise to be a "safe place" for her to say things that you may very well not want to hear.
These are just some of my thoughts. I wish you the best.