Stop Saying, "I'll Never do this Again"

Samuel shares an EMS Weekend principle about how to help your betrayed spouse feel safer after infidelity.

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the other gender.

Hi Samual, what I am wondering is how do women tend to view that? I have never heard my Wife ever say she needs to change to not do that again. Leslie has mentioned in HH course how women are like the ice queens. Yes I agree. Her best friend who is our accountability partner for her has challenged her thinking on many of her ways. On the issue of what are you going to do? But blame for me and the circumstances of the situation of our sick child seem to get the excuses for the affair. She is now still in limerence a year past the first d day but only out of three months past the 3rd one. now she is thinking again of going back, but has decided that mediation is what we need to pursue. How do you get the women out of this emotion fueled fantasy and both feet into the marriage?

Though I am the betrayed, I

Though I am the betrayed, I am also an occasional 'ice queen'. ;)
After listening to Samuel's blog, and reading your response, something struck me. I know I had a problem understanding the concept, "my mate is not the problem, they only reveal the problems in me." My spouse also had difficulty with this concept. I believe it is at the essence of what you are asking. There are two questions I would propose need to be asked of your wife (probably best not asked by yourself) –
1) Is what you did wrong? Either yes, or no. No, "yes, but…" Or, "no, because…"
2) if her answer is no, then I would probably step back and reevaluate. If her answer is yes, as I expect it will be, the next question asked would be, "what could/should you have done differently then?" When she enters, it might be good to have her friend, or whomever, take notes. I am guessing this is where the issues that she, and you, need to work on will surface. I would speculate there would be answers something like this, "well, I should have done… But, I was afraid to because…" Or, " I could have… But I didn't because…". The answers there can reveal childhood situations or traumatic events that conditioned her to respond in a certain manner, or not in a particular manner. The answers can also review deficits or issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, ranging from poor communication for whatever reason to, a fear of a particular response , etc. if/when the two of you talk about this though, it would be the scenario where you have to promise to be a "safe place" for her to say things that you may very well not want to hear.
These are just some of my thoughts. I wish you the best.

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