Survivors' Blog

Last week while speaking to a group of past participants, I casually brought up the topic of relapse. Talk about sucking all the air out of the room. Even I was surprised by the reactivity. Threats flew around the room like bats coming out at sunset. "If you do it again I'm out of here," quipped one betrayed spouse. "Why did you have to go stirring things up?" asked an unfaithful spouse. "We were doing just fine until you brought that up." There was heavy breathing, cursing, and overall displeasure. In an instant, I went from saint to goat. But why does merely bringing up the idea of relapse do such a number on us emotionally? What really is relapse? We fall out of love long before we fall out with our mate. How does that statement make you feel? Do you agree or disagree? Falling out of love isn’t about losing a feeling for another person; it’s about how I treat another person. When I speak of love I'm not talking about a mere feeling, but rather an attitude, and when I speak of relapse I'm not talking about betraying your mate, but rather, betraying yourself. Falling out of love isn't about a loss of passion; it's about a loss of compassion. Self-betrayal is just that, when I betray myself I betray… My beliefs: Do you really believe it’s okay to be selfish and hurt others? But when we betray ourselves we do just that and somehow deceive ourselves into thinking what we’re doing is okay. Learning how to recover from an affair means knowing what I truly believe and wish to base my life upon until my time here on earth is done. My values: What are your values? In order to get a better idea of your true values, ask yourself this question: Do you teach your children it’s okay to lie or to call others names? Is disrespect an attribute you want them to value? Normally we try to live in a way that’s consistent with our value system, but once we betray ourselves we fall out of love and begin violating our personal value system. We move away from love to mere self-gratification. Recovering after an affair means really thinking about my values and whether or not I’m living them out. My heart’s desire: Is it your heart’s desire to inflict pain or make someone’s life miserable? Is that really how you want to treat others? (Even though it may be tempting). Is that how you want to be seen or remembered? It’s my desire to be faithful and kind to others, but once I fall out of love (i.e. away from love), I betray myself and no longer act according to my true heart’s desire. In that moment, self-deception allows me to believe I want something totally different. My commitments: Are you someone who honors your commitments? If so, then you know you’ve fallen out of love and into self-betrayal when you begin to feel justified in breaking your commitments. "Falling out of love” is nothing more than becoming self-centered… When I married Stephanie, I vowed to love her till death do us part, and at that moment I was as serious as a heart attack. I wanted to love and cherish her as I had vowed to do. My heart’s desire was to share my life with her. That’s the path I willingly chose, but over time, I betrayed my heart’s desire. Instead of sharing my life with her, I shut her out and began seeking my own self-gratification at her expense. Love always acts in the best interest of another, and as long as I looked at her through a lens of concern and compassion we did well. When I stopped being concerned for her and become self-consumed, I betrayed my heart’s desires and my values and fell “out of love". “Falling out of love” is nothing more than becoming self-centered. Coming to this realization is a key moment in learning how to recover from an affair. We stop being concerned about others, and instead, see them as objects blocking what we want from life. Now, instead of loving our mate we attempt to manage them to do what we need in order for us to feel happy, secure or fulfilled. Being self-centered comes naturally to us humans; we're born that way. We come into this world 100% totally self-centered. For an infant, all that’s important is getting fed or having a diaper changed. Caring for others isn't in their repertoire. As we mature, hopefully we learn to love and care for others. We get over “us” and develop a heartfelt concern for the well-being of others. Learning to love is a natural developmental progression for human beings, but it's hard not to relapse, returning to old ways of being and betraying our own nature. We become more concerned with how well our mate's meeting our needs, rather than loving our mate. We stop loving and begin acting out of self-interest rather than the interest of our mate. We Resort to Managing Our Mate Once we've fallen “out of love" we begin controlling and managing our mate to get what we want rather than considering their needs and desires. We relapse when we regress to our infancy and deceive ourselves into thinking life is all about us; forgetting that we are supposed to be about life. We become self-seeking with little or no regard for what it’s like to live on the other side of us. And when we wound others instead of taking responsibility we justify our actions by blaming others, My mate is never my problem, but my mate does reveal the problem(s) in me. I believe marriage is life’s primary people growing machine. It's the place where I learn to love and care for others, but it's also the place where I discover my personal defects of character. When things don't go my way my self-centeredness is revealed. When dealing with infidelity we're apt to define relapse as a repeat of the betrayal, but that’s barely touching the surface. We relapse when we fail to love. When I choose to be concerned for my mate I’m being whom I want. When I betray my mate and become self-seeking, I then relapse into old ways of being that lead to destruction. Love is by far the best relapse prevention. Caring about others keeps us out of the ditch. Are you a life giver or a life taker; selfless or selfish? I hope you’ll take a moment after reading this to evaluate your own behavior. Do you love well or have you relapsed? If you've been unfaithful I know you would never want a repeat performance. Hope for Healing is a great way to prevent relapse. Do all you can to prevent falling back into old ways of being and consider getting help today. If you’re having trouble moving beyond your mate’s betrayal, I do hope you’ll take advantage of our Harboring Hope class. It’s a great way to gain new perspective on your own healing and restoration, regardless of what happens to the marriage.   

A man’s self-image is important. The world teaches us that men are supposed to be strong, courageous, wise, and unemotional. I was a “man”....    I was a husband, a father, a provider. I was “tough”... When the world hit me I hit back.  When I was in pain I rubbed dirt in the wound and got back on the field. I didn't have any need for emotions (except anger). I was in control. I was respected and wise. Or at least I thought I was. Then D-day hit. I cried for days. I lost 20 lbs in a month, threw up more times than I can remember. I was dazed. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. I was a complete basket case and the furthest thing from a “man” that I could imagine. I was facing a complete identity crisis. How could I reconcile my beliefs of what a man is with my current beliefs and behaviors? Was I just a weak, emotional, wimp? How could I call myself wise when my wife was cheating on me? It took me quite a while to work my way through the confusion I was feeling and come to an understanding of the flaws in my thinking. I had a couple of resources that helped me work through my mess. The most valuable for me turned out to be a very famous person in the Bible. Psalm 23 (1-6) New International Version (NIV) A psalm of David. 1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. This beautiful and famous Psalm was written by a man named David, King David that is. A man who faced down and defeated the giant Goliath with a sling and stone while the rest of the army cowered in fear. A man who led and won multiple battles. The most powerful man in the land at the time. He was strong and he was wise. In fact, God describes David as “a man after God’s own heart”.  Everything you would expect of a man. In addition he was a wonderful poet who wrote Psalms 23, A Psalm of praise and rejoicing. Is there any man in the world who wouldn’t want to be like King David? I don’t think so. But as we TURN the page we find: Psalm 22 (1-8) New International Version (NIV) For the director of music. To the tune of “The Doe of the Morning.” A psalm of David. 1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One you are the one Israel praises. In you our ancestors put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame. 6 But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads. “He trusts in the Lord,” they say, “let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him.” WOW! Can this be the same King David? He’s sad, and afraid and uncertain. He calls himself a worm. This revelation led me on a path of discovery of what God says a man should be and also how a Godly man should react to adversity or pain. God has shown us that we don’t have to be the angry, controlling, unemotional man the world says we should be. It’s okay to have times of pain and adversity. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to be afraid. Men, as you face the difficult struggle of infidelity please know that whatever reaction you have is normal. Please take the time to react and process in a healthy manner and not be constrained by what we think a “man” should do. Don’t let your pride hinder you from the healing you deserve, be humble like David and experience hope, healing, and true manhood.

I grew up in a very broken family. My parents divorced when I was around two years old and I never really knew my biological father. My mother was an alcoholic who drank and smoked her life away. We were very poor, I remember a time when the only thing we had in the cupboard was half of a jar of peanut butter. My mother was married before and I have 3 half-brothers from 2 different fathers. I never had a father figure in my life. None of the fathers stuck around. In the toughest times we boys, were passed around to relatives that could take care of us. After high school, I entered the Army. After my training, I returned home to find my mother had moved. No forwarding address. I was on my own. Needless to say, my childhood was rough. But, I’m happy to say I survived. I worked hard, received the right help, and broke free from my past. Nevertheless, there are scars from my many battles. From my perspective God had let me down. Where was the caring, loving “father” that I needed and had heard so much about? “Suffer the little children, and forbid them not to come unto me” was a scripture I remembered reading often times. I came to him alright, and in my mind found nothing but pain and abandonment. From that point on I was on my own. I would make my own success. No one would hurt me or abandon me again. I didn’t need God. I had myself and I could change my future and my past. My family would never have to face the childhood I had. I would insure things were better. I was in control. When I was 18 I met my wife to be. She was 15 at the time. I was amazed at the attention she gave me. That felt really good to me at the time. For the next few years this wonderful woman pursued me. Relentlessly, I might add. Even in the times when I tried to run away she kept after me. I was completely confused and totally in love. Why did she care for me? Behind the scenes, I felt worthless. I didn’t feel smart or the least bit handsome. I didn’t have money or prestige. I remember how scared I was that she would leave. For the first time I felt happiness in my life. I couldn’t let that go. Looking back, I now see that whole struggle to never be without her was my journey into co-dependency. From that point forward my focus was keeping her with me at any cost. We married young. I was 21 and she was 19. We were incredibly naïve and unprepared. In my mind, marriage was a way to further cement our relationship. The piece of paper was an additional control in my life to cover the fear of her leaving me. I worked and worked to keep my wife happy. The more money I could make the more happiness I could buy for her. If I could keep her happy she wouldn’t leave. 80-90 hour work weeks, no problem at all. Whatever it takes to preserve this happy family. I paid for her vacations. Without me. She wanted a house. No problem. I’ll work even more hours. I would do absolutely anything to keep her with me. Over the years we had 3 girls. I loved them with every fiber of my being. There was no way in hell that they would have to live a childhood like I had. Not on my watch. I would do whatever it took to make them happy. More hours. More control. More madness. I missed most of the early years of my two oldest children. I worked and they went to Disneyland. They had dance recitals and I was working out of town. That was okay. They were happy and when they were happy, it was safe to assume they wouldn’t leave me. And then it all came apart. Over the years I had turned into an angry, controlling, scared, pathetic man. My wife started to drift away. I became more controlling and angry. She ran further; right into the embrace of other men. It started as an emotional affair on social media. Later it turned to physical affairs. I found out eventually and my world exploded. All the work, all the control, all the manipulation had accomplished nothing. I was looking at losing my wife of 19 years along with my children. I was also looking at financial ruin. I was scared and I had nowhere to turn. My wife and I separated and prepared for divorce. One night while alone in my dingy apartment I was lying on the floor, sobbing. I had failed. I could not go on any longer. I knew where the gun was. With nowhere else to turn. At the bottom of my rope I reached the only direction I could at the time. Up. I prayed to God that night for the first time in what felt like my own eternity. “God if you are there I need you to help me now.” I fell asleep and woke the next morning. Call it a miracle. Call it whatever you want. I had a new clarity of my life and what I needed to do. God had given me a specific roadmap to my own recovery. I knew then that I needed to rely on the only thing that wouldn’t fail me. That was in fact, God and his protocol for my recovery. He was a rock I could anchor to. Without him as my core belief system, nothing would satisfy me anyway. I was happy to say my chain of command had been completely reset. God was number one. Anything I did from then on would be at his will and mercy. I’m a different person today. Stronger, far more complete. Not perfect. And no, I certainly haven’t ‘arrived’ as they say. Fulfilled? Absolutely. My marriage was reborn from the ashes and we’ve just celebrated our 28th anniversary in March 2017.