Why the Unfaithful Are Preoccupied With Themselves

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The addicted thoughts

Thanks for sharing how inhumane and hurtful love addicts and cheaters become to feed their love hunger and egos.
I can't imagine what it's like to wake up from such a nightmare to realize I was the monster that destroyed my family.
Thanks for standing up and doing your part to repair the damage in your own life that contributed to the pain in your wife's life.
I think that adulterers see themselves as victims of a mean spouse who doesn't appreciate them, so surely some stranger, wannabe wifey, handiman, etc. Is the only one who appreciates them.
cheating is childish. Selfish, brutal. The price the betrayed and other innocent parties pay is never worth the ride

EMS weekend VS EMSo

Husband very much struggles with blame shifting and minimizing his actions. Its like he wants so badly to make himself feel better by finding something inside or about me to accuse and determine an act of behavior of mine as terrible as his betrayal. To the point where I honestly just feel sad and sorry for him. We signed up for EMSO mostly because logistics make it difficult to attend OCT or NOV EMS weekend dates and didn't want to wait until December. Will EMSO - be as effective? How do I repel the blame shifting back at him in a kind and loving way. I don't claim to be perfect but I have not deceived him or betrayed him in any way and he desperately tries to find opportunities to twist and turn my interactions around to be as bad as what he has done, and its just not working. I love him and He is a good man who has made some wrong choices and I feel he does it in an effort to ease his discomfort with himself?


thank you for your comment. i'm sorry it's so painful. i think the emso is a wonderful program. the ems weekend is great too. the main difference is that the weekend covers a lot more ground more quickly in one shot. theyt both are effective at teaching the unfaithful spouse why and how taking responsibility for their part will help them break the cycle of blaming the betrayed spouse. it wont be easy, but it's possible. one of the things you can do is love him, but when the blame shifting happens, simply say 'i'm owning all i can own and i hope you're owning all you can own...' and work your recovery. it will take an expert to navigate through the patterns of blaming and minimizing. the emso will do 'ok' but not probably to the depth of what you're facing ya know? it's deep. it's a pattern. it's to minimize his own shame at what he's done. have you read the shame articles? here are two that i hope help him for sure and help you understand his mindset maybe that he is facing: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame, https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-pain-ways-to-stay-in-shame those will help explain the mindset he's probably operating under.

Samuel - You have a gift of

Samuel - You have a gift of speech and an ability to talk in a way that while watching your VlogI feel like you are speaking directly to me. God bless you for embracing this ministry an sharing so much of yourself ignored to help us understand this painful process...and God Bless your dear wife for supporting you in this effort, tell her Thank You for sharing.

#1 what is my roll in supporting H in processing his shame and recovery process in general? He frequently seeks reassurance from me and I don't always feel safe enough to give it... sometimes Im overwhelmed and frustrated because he has not been very effective in showing consistent ownership and support for my recovery - I now feel like to do the "right thing" or "christ like" thing means setting my feelings aside so that I can comfort or help him with his process. Especially when I see him being genuine and showing vulnerability (which is rare), I want to comfort him - but this gets really confusing at times because i feel like I end up denying my own needs to do this....does that make sense?

#2 Original D day for EA was 2 years ago, then more discoveries in July and 3 weeks ago a huge change in disposition from H stating he is ready to be authentic and share his feelings, committing to join me in the recovery process. After a week of soul-searching, he offered disclosure of 2 lies he told (one involving communication with AP and the other one regarding time spent outside work with different female coworkers) and shared more feeling EA/AP - This clarified some of the "crazy making" in my head; however, there is still so many circumstances that he denies any clear explanations for. One huge stalemate is GPS location showing something very different than where he states he was (over a mile difference) - this is a very hard because he vehemently dismisses the evidence and so desperately wants me to believe that was failure of technology and he was indeed at his stated location, the fact I struggle believing him completely deflates him. H is adamant that he has told me everything there is to tell. He claims the lies are done and that he will have full transparency moving forward. I believe in the power of prayer and that it is totally possible (With Gods Help) that we can make the repairs and come out with a relationship far better than it ever was; I definitely believe that people can change....however, I'm human and my faith is challenged by the fact that there is still so much left for my imagination to fill in the blanks. Even regarding the original EA - the only evidence is the online cellphone bill showing excessive call/texting activity did not match up to his completely deleted history on his cell phone. I have only his word identifying that it was ever "just talking" and that includes his more recent disclosures - there is nothing but his word that he is telling the truth. Is it possible to truly move beyond all of this when there are still so many unanswered questions? Everyday he has surprised me with his demonstration of humility offering self reflected apologies and sharing authentic feels best he can. We both struggle with conflict avoidance and rarely have difficult conversations with out giving up because we are both flooded - never resolving anything....but we have had several conversations where we practiced our newly learned skills and were able to feel successful in communicating our needs. We have made more progress in 2 weeks then we did in 2 years (really almost 25 years of marriage). However, the last few days have been full of flooding and frustration, he struggles - wanting to pretend normal - and Im in a 'wait and see' stage, just let it be what it is....

Im not asking you to predict our future - Im just hoping you can share what rings true to what you have seen in the past. Please provide any advice for both of us as we move forward and start EMSO. I believe we can do this as long as we both fully and authentically own our part. Thank you!

Thank you!

Ems vs Emso

We are one year out (in four days to be exact). I’m not sure if we are in a place where EMS Weekend or EMSO is better for us. I am the one who seems to be having more setbacks. Not sure what program would be a better fit. My husband has done a lot of work and seems like he is well on his way to being a better man, husband, father. At the same time, I still have my bad days and it seems to drag us down because we just have no idea if this is normal. Is the weekend still productive to couples where there is progress, but we need to work on getting stuck?

weekend would be great for you..

hi stacey,  

the weekend would be great for you.  what you're facing is exactly normal and will be normal for a while.  it's how you handle the bad days and process through them and their carnage though.  if you weren't having some bad days, I'd be surprised to be honest.  the weekend is what i would suggest if you're able to attend as you'll be with john and leslie who wrote harboring hope and are experts in dealing with the trauma of being a betrayed spouse.  they will hep you know what is normal as well as what is to be expected.  they can also help you have a 'rebound' protocol if you will so that when you have a bad day or two, you have a plan for both of you on how to rebound out of it and regroup.  the online is a great program, but not with therapists who have been through it before personally.  i would recommend the weekend if you can attend and we are all in progress my friend.  at one year out, you seem to be doing well but experiencing a normal part of the process.  it's usually a two year process, some do it sooner some do it longer.  it depends on the severity of your situation etc.  march is almost full though so be prepared.  take care.



You asked her if she would like for you to itemize how you are suffering. She said yes.....so you did in an honest way. She still left the room. I don't think the problem in that situation was with you. Although you make good points about the unfaithful being self absorbed...I don't think that point applied here.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas