After two entire years of trying to work through the issues regarding the affair, one which kept going on during that two years while my spouse lied about it after initial discovery, and after attending EMS weekend, there was still a lot of anger and frustration when ever I would ask questions. I had been on a roller coaster and wanted to leave, even tried to leave several times, unsuccessfully. Well, I finally did. I did so remaining hopeful for our marriage as I know my spouse wants to and is working on his own issues that led to the affair in the first place, and which turned out to be issues that he had continuously before we were married and that he kept from me. Still, I left not to be manipulative but to find safety for myself and peace, knowing that hopefully we could work our marriage out but accepting that if we could not I would be OK, somehow. Since I have left my spouse and we have had much more productive conversations and are able to sit and talk calmly together. We meet every week at some point and spend time together on the weekends. I think the separation has helped take the pressure off of each of us in our own ways to actually come together in a more positive way. Sometimes there needs to be a break from it all, as it can become so overwhelming. I don't know if this is helpful or not but it has definitely helped in our marriage. I still don't know what the future holds, but I do know the separation has helped me feel at peace with myself and it has helped my husband find new perspective and a stronger desire to work
on his issues. He is reading some recommended books, and getting a lot of professional help (which he said he would never do two years ago). It has also helped in the process of him having far more empathy for me and what he has put me through. My gut tells me we will make it to out next anniversary which is soon, but I don't know where we would be without the break from each other.

My wife will not talk about it or at least has not talked about it at all just shuts down and will not sat anything. What Zzz I have done is my own investigation and found out probably most of what happened. In the begining I did not need to know all and every now I do not need to know all the details just do not see the need only have that much more to have to deal with so for the past year and a half I have not questioned her very ?uch if at all. My hope has been for her to find safety in me over time and see the hope we have so that i can start to get her to talk about, not so much for my knowledge but so I know she has not just buried it and not really delt with it. We also have to come to an understanding as to how and how to prevent it from happening again. We really have never been angry with each other so that is not the issue and other then a trigger that hit me over a year ago and finding her owner her AP's house a couple times I have been able to creat a safe environment for her. I feel it has been mso
Working she is starting On her own to read about how to inprove our relationship and this is huge when we did EMSO she did not do the work oh a few easy ones but for the most part not much. She is also thinking that maybe she should look at doing Hope for Healing that would be really good for her to be able to do, of course money is rather tight so not sure that will happen but she does seem to be moving in the right direction and I am so hopeful a guarded helpfulness but very hopeful . So in my case I was a leaders to just put the real digging for a time when she felt safe to be able to talk this may not be what some people want but all through life I have had to learn to be patience and that thing are not always able to happen the way I want but what the way that offers the best.chance of success.
David

I wish I could say that we talked it out rationally, but no. I continued to ask very specific and pointed questions because the few vague answers I was getting just didn't add up. He continued to give vague answers or no answers or even lie, be physically aggressive, and rage at me because I wouldn't shut up. I would eventually lose it and rage back, and we would have all-out verbal warfare with an occasional fist put up against my face as I stubbornly stood my ground. He never hit me, it was simply intimidation, being a bully. We both said a lot of bad things to each other. I finally moved out and lived apart from him for 10 months. When I returned home, he had realized what his anger and control had done. Hope for Healing, EMS, and individual therapy (some sessions were with Rick, some with an anger management therapist) gave us some tools for speaking civilly to each other, and now we are trying to monitor the emotions and not let it get to that point of raging or name-calling. We are both trying to just walk away (or take a time-out) when it gets too intense or I flood emotionally. I have to give my spouse credit for realizing how his temper has hindered recovery and for taking the initiative to get counseling and go through the H for H course. I now realize that I let my own anger at him lead me into marathoning, verbal abuse, name-calling, and distancing myself from him and that the anger he directed at me was really anger at himself. The only thing that the rages accomplished was to put an even larger wedge between us. If I ever have to go through this again in the future, I will approach it differently and try not let my anger get the best of me. Today we are doing better. Although our relationship is far from being reconciled due to a second, more revealing Dday last July, at least we are in a better place at working through the pain and controlling ourselves than we were a year and a half ago.

I can so relate to this pattern of asking questions and him becoming angry. I wish I had known that his anger was not directed at me, but at himself. I was beyond hurt and took his anger personally, thinking that I had done so much wrong and blaming myself for his choices. The pattern continued for quite some time and even though we were in counseling, he eventually did relapse. At about the same time, I found enough gumption within myself to offer him some grace. I was beginning to realize and accept that the affair is part of our story. And if it can't be undone, we MUST find a better pattern so that our story doesn't end. Enter The Baggie. Every time I had a question regarding the affair I would write it down on a slip of paper and put it in a ziploc Baggie. I did this with the knowledge that at some point in the near future the questions would be addressed. Then we would set aside some time to go through the Baggie, now filled with many, many little slips of paper. I let him pick out the strips of paper. He or I would read them out loud and then he would respond. We would go through about 10-12 questions each time. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes the questions led to deeper conversations. It was imperative that he be completely honest with his answers. Just as I had to accept his answers even though they might hurt like the dickens. The Baggie was a great tool for us to maneuver past the questioning and anger. It provided a safe way to address sensitive issues.

D-day was 11 months ago. And yes I, like others asked many questions and received vague, non-informative answers. Some of the conversations were grueling (we had not found the affair recovery website yet)I kept asking, he would eventually get mad because since he was still lying about the details, the answers would change, or suddenly he would remember answers to questions I previously asked. At one point, when I was crying because I knew he again was not fully being honest I said why are you so mad when you are the one that brought all this into our marriage. He said he was mad at himself. Ah, I started to get it, it was his shame and he definitely was thinking "I can't tell her the whole truth, I've already hurt her enough, this next piece of information will hurt her even more." We read about that later on this site, which told me he is "normal." In fact the articles here have helped me so much to know that he is acting like other unfaithful spouses on this painful journey and I am "normal" too. I can say it is only the grace of God given to me to start to understand that, his shame has been keeping him from totally coming clean. The Boot Camp brought out more - something stirred in him to answer questions I still had. As a Christian I know God led me to look at his phone that night (D-Day), because I had not looked at his phone for quite a while, years even, finally he was caught with tangible evidence. I had asked several times over the years about "my gut instinct" but he was slick in dodging the truth. I have also realized in these last 11 months, could I really have taken all the honest answers right up front. My husband has shown many signs of repentance, immediate ceasing of contact with the AP, etc. so I had time to regain some confidence in "Us" and hope for our future. I also believe God gave me the questions to ask over the months, ones I would not have thought of in my dazed, shocked, hurt, & confused mind. There is hope, I don't like that this is my/our story now, I don't want it to be part of our history, but hearing others' stories here and the love, grace, and forgiveness of God keeps me/us going on in our marriage, where there have now been times that we have been so intimate (emotionally, spiritually, & sexually) that I am afraid it won't last, still need time for more trust to be built - it is looking like a marriage I always dreamed of. Thank you Rick and Samuel for your words of encouragement. A betrayed spouse - PJS