How do You Handle Anniversaries of Discovering Infidelity?

Samuel shares insight in today's video into handling struggles with D-Day anniversaries with remembering the day the affairs came out.

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Advice for a unique situation

Samuel - thanks for the work you do. Curious to hear your thoughts on this somewhat unique situation. My wife has never given me the courtesy of a d-day. As I began to put the pieces together of what was going on and would ask her about them, she would lie consistently (talking to a girlfriend, staying with a girlfriend etc). As my questions got very specific, she wouldn't deny, she would just give a generic "I didn't leave you for someone else" or shut the conversation down. Long story short, I know who her affair was (maybe still is) with and am certain it became physical. This started last July. She left our home with our son in January and our divorce was final last month. My question is, do you have any specific advice for handling anniversaries of discoveries when a) you haven't had an official d-day or any open acknowledgement and b) you are going it alone? Thanks for your help.


thank you for watching and your question.....I would mark a day and use it as a grieving day. perhaps you would use two, the d day you stamp and the day the divorce was final? I think it would be very important for you to have days you can mark as 'grieving dates/days' so that you can use those as markers. I have August 26th as a marker to grieve for what I did, who I was, how I hurt samantha and the person I never, ever want to become again. we all grieve for different reasons so perhaps using that train of thought ie grieving dates you come up with on your own, you can use that to stand upon and grieve for. you'll have to be creative, but if she's not given you one, I would identify my own date/day and empower myself and use it as a day. i hope that helps my friend.

Thanks Samuel, that does help

Thanks Samuel, that does help. I have a few markers like you mentioned in mind. Appreciate your insight and, as always, your transparency. Know that you are helping many, many people.

Just in case this helps

We have 3 D-days. The day my husband asked me for a divorce because "he just was not in love with me anymore" which just happens to be my sisters birthday (TRUTH he was leaving me for her) #2 The day I discovered the TRUTH and that he was having an affair (this is the DATE that is the hardest) and then the last D-day which is when he came clean that this was not his first affair and confessed to 2 others during our marriage. So the first year after D-day (the one were I discovered that there was an active affair) he was going to be at work all day. He worked 12 hour shifts in a hospital and often depending on were he is in the building his phone does not work. So check in times are difficult and support during triggers are hard. He actually suggested I make plans for that day with people that I knew would support me and understand if I had a melt down. He called my sister to make sure that she could be with me all day while he was at work. It was the sweetest kindest thing to me. He also gave me a budget and said take some of your friends that have been here for this year holding you together for a ladies day. I had an amazing group of women that honest to GOD held me together for that first year. We went for pedicures and then dinner. I gave each of them little gift bags and my husband included a note in the bad thanking each of them for supporting me, for the long phone calls, for the shoulders to cry on, and then he asked each one of them to search their hearts and try to find a way to forgive him. Anyway just wanted to toss that out there for an idea. The other D-days he was able to be home and although they were not the happiest of days.....just having the support and a plan for triggers was a great idea.
I know not everyone can afford to splurge or maybe you have not had a lot of support from friends...but do something on your D-day that is just for you. LOVE YOURSELF that day. The triggers will be there.....leading up to the first D-day anniversary will be tense.....know this and plan accordingly.

thanks for posting that insight

great thoughts, thank you.

Thank you

My DDay is fast approaching and I'm already feeling the anxiety. Next week on our sons birthday my husband slept with his mistress the first time that night last year. It was the one day I was out of town on emergency and now my son's birthday brings me sadness. 7 days later is Halloween, my favorite holiday. He cancelled plans with me, and slept with her again. 3 days later I discovered the truth.

Things in my life that used to bring me such happiness and joy, now I fear and dread. Not sure how to celebra with my son when i feel so sad thinking about it.

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-D, Texas