Couples That Do These Things Take the Longest to Heal

Samuel shares examples of some of the worst things to do in the recovery process.

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Thank you.

I love your blogs, you have helped me immensely, you have an ability to talk very eloquently without being forceful and because of you my husband and I are going to start EMS online soon.

so great to hear

that's awesome. i'm so glad to hear that.  thank you for the great feedback.  

What about...

affairpartners still being in contact due to work situation? I’m finding it impossible to get past this. A year after d-day still struggling daily.

its understandable

hi Kruimel, it's completely understandable.  but, what recovery work have you done?  if you can share what you've done I can make some suggestions as to why you're still struggling and how to to get more freedom for you both.  without recovery work, nobody makes it really my friend.  share a bit about what you've done and we'll pick up from there.

 

Still working together

We’ve had marriage counseling but quit two months ago after my husband got angry about my telling I wasn’t happy about his efforts to find another job. He has done one interview in four months time and hasn’t applied for a single job. The marriage counsellor told me my husband has trouble showing empathy where I show empathy a lot. He says it is mainly hard on me but he sees some progress in him. When it comes to confronting my husband with his words versus his actions I’m the only one who does that and I’m tired of it. I’ve had individual counseling and I’m starting with a new therapist next week. I’m so sad and angry because I don’t get empathy. I had to discover the affair when they where in the midst of it and was first told it was only six weeks. Four (working with affair partner) weeks later I had to find out, the affair lasted about five months and didn’t finish when I discovered it but a week later? Don’t know if this is true, need to trust it is? Husband gets angry when we talk about it. We have three small children and I love my husband and our live but I need also to see actions from him to heal. He is afraid to look for another job because of financial insecurities. He loves his job. And he is afraid we won’t make it together and then he will have left the job he loves..... Somehow it doesn’t matter that much to him that he is loosing his family. The women is an employee of his and he sees/meets her at least once a week, emails her and calls her several times a week on bussiness. At work there are no changes or boundaries except I don’t want them to meet behind closed doors. I’ve never been welcome at his place of work so I have to trust (!?) he does what he says. I asked him to watch your blogs on a regular basis and he said he would but he doesn’t. I’m at the end of my rope, don’t want a divorce but cannot see any other way at the moment.

workplace affairs...

kruimel,thank you for the clarity.  it's like he works with a constant trigger for you. every call, etc is a huge unnecessary trigger, so at some level, it's going to be tough for you to heal as all day long you're subjected to a trigger being there and that's incredibly tough for you.  he won't get that as he's not a betrayed spouse.  he will need expert help to get it to be honest.  so here are a few options:  1. let go of the find a new job approach, and get more serious about asking, and if not, demanding then to go to the ems weekend and let US and our team get through to him about the job, reminders, triggers, etc.  they will address it for sure.  2. use these articles to get through to him about the job, or ems weekend, or all of the issues concerning you:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate   and this one: https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change  if he gets to say no, and you go along with it every time, something is wrong.  sure, he's got valid concerns and fears, but those have to be secondary to the marriage and he's not seeing that.  the answer is expert help and allowing expert help to get through to him, as he won't and can't hear it objectively from you.  does that make sense?

 

Thank you

Thank you for your reaction. I have watched almost every blog you made and tried everything. What you say makes perfect sense. I see it that way too even from the beginning, he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to get expert help, isn’t talking to anyone but me but doesn’t want to hear what I say either. He won’t go to IC or to another marriage counsellor. The one we have been seeing is not able to confront him and is with him on blaming our marriage and communication as to the why for his affair. EMS sounds great but we don’t live in your country. Even if we did, I don’t think I would be able to make him go. I’m so tired, do not know what to do anymore. I’m certainly not a perfect betrayed spouse but it feels like I’m the only one working here. It scares me so much but I think i have to see and recognize that he just doesn’t want the marriage bad enough otherwise he would be willing and acting. I cannot make him do something he doesn’t want to do.....

Time-out

Can I receive the information on the 'time-out' protocol?
Please.

try this link my friend

Ok try this too and see if it works:  https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.affairrecovery.com/docs/Time-out+Protocol_AffairRecovery.com.pdf

Time out

I like the idea of time out. I feel I need to regroup myself and return to being myself instead of an emotional wreck. I need to feel like me again. I feel so tired of trying. I want permanent time out...no amount of rage ever taken my pain away.

Sometimes I forget myself and feel happy ...then the cruelest thing happens when I remember we are not one anymore...probably never were.

Time out seems like treat time to me,