Infidelity or Addiction Requires an Entirely New Playbook: Hope for Those in Crisis Due to Infidelity
Samuel discusses long term vision for couples trying to heal from infidelity and addiction.
What type of affair was it?
What to read next
Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp
Comments
He betrayed me and our…
He betrayed me and our family for more than ten years with someone thirty four years younger than himself. When caught by out then twelve year old daughter, he lied, then lied again. She has not spoken to him since the day she finally told me after she held it in for seven months afraid it would make me more sick than I already was. It has been nearly two years now and I have given everything I have to trying to repair things I didn’t break. Yet every time I try to talk to him about anything at all, he twists it around and suddenly he is accusing me of being the abusive one, a drug addict, a bad mother, a liar and anything else crude and ugly he can think of. I am stage 4 sarcoidosis which began with a mass around my trachea then pulmonary artery, has spread to every organ including my eyes and brain and has now reached my heart. I’m fading more each day. My time is limited and our four kids are truly going to need their Dad, but none of them will hardly speak to him because we have all had to endure twelve years of his emotional, verbal, and financial abuse along with his smear campaigns and gaslighting. He says nothing matters more than fixing this, but he attacks me every single time I try to work through anything. What he really wants is for me to pretend everything is fine and act like nothing ever happened but I can’t do that! The betrayal trauma and C-ptsd from so many years of abuse won’t allow my body to pretend. What else can I do? I am losing the last shred of hope I had and I can’t reach him…
My heart breaks for you. I'm…
In reply to He betrayed me and our… by Running out of time
My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry for the painful situation you're walking through, compounded by a severe health battle. And I'm so sorry your daughter was put in the middle. My oldest (12 at the time) really shut his dad out after the last affair, while my middle (just shy of 11 at the time) wound up going to counseling to help her process. My husband had broken their trust just as much as he'd broken mine. It took my 12-year old three years to even be willing to attempt to reconcile his relationship with his father, and that was heartbreaking in a whole new way. While I desperately wanted their relationship to be mended, it wasn't up to me. It was my husband's responsibility to repair what he'd broken. Re-establishing trust is no easy feat, and it's certainly not quick either. It can only be done through consistent behavior over time. How much time? However long it takes for the betrayed party to feel safe again.
It's hard to hear, but there is nothing you can do to reach your spouse. He has to want change. He has to want honesty. But you can seek healing and recovery for yourself. You can model that kind of strength for your children and set an example for them to follow so that the pain of your husband's actions doesn't hold them hostage. That's a legacy worth leaving.
Please help
My husband has been on and off, but mostly on, with his affair partner for almost 2 years. Original D-Day was a year ago. There have been at least 8 relapses so far, with him saying he's staying with me and our kids/affair is over, then starting back up with her, and back and forth. He is saying he is not currently seeing her, but he wants to leave and be with her. I am deeply in love with him, and desperately want him to stay. We've been married for 28 years, since we were 18 and 20 years old. He has always been an amazing husband and father, until recently. Keeping his kids from devastating emotional pain isn't enough to make him stay and try anymore. He says he doesn't want to get help, doesn't think he needs it. Is there anything you can think of to help? Was your story like this? I keep hoping something will get through to him.
Samuel please help me
I'm the unfaithful female spouse. Please help me, I really struggling to forgive myself. Some days I am okay but this week I have been in shambles very single day. How do I begin to forgive myself? It's been 1 year out since d-day and I still struggle with depression and anger. I think these things stem from my own actions and also me feeling as if I'm not good enough anymore. How can I deal with this depression and anger? If I don't control these issues it will destroy my relationship and me. I can't live with myself hurting this much and I can't live with myself being angry 24/7. Please help me, I've been to see a local counselor that claims to specialize in relationships, but this counselor has never been through infidelity. What are some tips you could give me to help decrease my anger?
a few thoughts...
In reply to Samuel please help me by Cori
for starters, it's vital you deal with shame. this series will help on our site: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame
I would also read what you can by brene brown on shame as she's excellent on that topic and moving towards forgiveness.
radical forgiveness may be another book to consider by colin tipping
i would also consider our hope for healing course on our site as it will take you through an expert driven
curriculum towards self forgiveness as well: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing
Add new comment