What to Expect in Recovery from Infidelity When There Is No Honesty

Samuel shares part two of why humility and honesty must be present in recovery.

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I feel like we are stuck and not going anywhere. We are over two months in from DDay and still no full disclosure. We spend most of our appointments with therapists discussing my husband’s problems, like his anger isusss that have just caused more problems since dday. And every therapist seems to ignore what I need. They seem to think talking about the affair causes too much anxiety and we should move past it. And it’s all just a mess. I feel hopeless and I don’t feel like we can even find a good infidelity expert where we are. I don’t even know where to begin. No one I find is an actual affair recovery expert. Sure, they all treat infidelity. But they aren’t experts at it. And I feel like my husband is putting forth minimal effort in working on what has happened. His affair was 4.5 years ago. I found out he was talking to a much younger woman at work. We had been married only three years and I was pregnant with our second child. He swore he had not done anything but text her. He has a recurring problem of messaging ex girlfriends though and last December I caught him talking to ex girlfriends. The affair came up and he finally confessed to having a had a full blown affair with this girl and sleeping with her in our bed. But since then, no additional details or discussion or information. And I have questions. To make it worse, I’m pregnant now, having thought that it was an emotional affair through text and not knowing the full extent. Now I’m dealing with him constantly reaching out to ex girlfriends, and affair, him lying to me about it for over half our marriage, and a porn addiction. Oh, and his anger issues and ptsd. And I can’t find adequate help or advice or even figure out how long I should even wait for improvement and I’ll disclosure, etc, before just giving up. He concentrated on being nice and trying to be trustworthy now while he obsesses over if he can be forgiven or not and doesn’t worry about working on answering questions about the affair. I told him if I don’t know what went on then how can I possibly forgive him not knowing what to forgive! I’m just lost and need help. I can’t find good guidance locally and therapy as it is is draining our bank account.

some ideas...

i'm so sorry it's so painful.  your story repeats itself every day my friend.  it's very normal, but gut wrenching for sure.  look at doing our ems online here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online  it's cheaper than the weekend, but still help from an infidelity-specific approach.  i would also see if you can see one of our therapists over the phone.  you can call the office at 512-346-9299 and see who has any time available.  it's better than seeing general therapists who are not experienced enough to handle what you're facing.  talk to vanessa the recep.  and tell her i sent you.  she can find some time for you to see one of our experts.   i hope that helps.


I think one of the biggest

I think one of the biggest challenges in overcoming dishonesty is when the unfaithful cannot look within and ask themselves are they angry because there is truth to what the betrayed experienced? In my case we will are 3 days away from our 3 year anniversary of d day. While my UH has progressed he consistently gets angry if anyone experienced what they feel to be dishonest behavior by him. Rather than ask himself if there is truth to their experiences he becomes angry and directs the conversation in so many other ways you just give up
The chance for a deeper connection gets completely lost due to that and thoughts of giving up on the marriage more prevalent

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-D, Texas