Survivors' Blog

During his affair, when faced with hard questions about his relationship with the AP, my husband lied. Every. Single. Time. After D-day when I asked him about that, he acknowledged he feared if he ever admitted the truth he would lose me, so he resigned to take the truth to his grave. When I asked how he could lie to my face during all those years even after the affair ended, his explanation was pretty simple. He said he knew if he played dumb and consistently denied everything, the conversation would end and we could go back to “normal” relatively quickly. In his mind, that meant very little disruption to our life. However, he definitely wasn’t thinking about why I kept asking those questions all those years, and what kind of turmoil I was in to continue to bring it up. He was just thinking about saving himself, preserving the marriage, and getting back to “normal” as soon as possible. During those years, it felt to me as though he was protecting his alliance with his affair partner, and that was why he wouldn’t tell me the truth. It said to me that he prioritized his AP over me. He now understands why I felt this way, but said it was not like that at all. He was just protecting himself and did not want to face any disruption to our relationship. He just wanted things to be “normal.” None of these explanations make any of his actions ok. At all. But it does help me understand, to the extent that is possible from my side of the street. I still struggle with the intentionality and meaning behind the affair and all the manipulation involved, but these perspectives are helpful for me to better understand his motivations at the time, which he describes as far less calculated than they felt. In no way am I suggesting anyone give their partner a pass for these actions. But in the process of trying to foster empathy, to better understand an unfaithful partner, and potentially building trust and repairing the marriage, these insights have been helpful. It doesn’t come easily, but over time I have seen many similar examples in others’ stories that help soften my cynicism and replace some of my doubts with curiosity. False Reassurance There have been times during our recovery when my husband has “reassured” me of something, and it has really hit me the wrong way. Things he said that on the surface should have provided comfort, but actually made me more anxious. At first I couldn’t figure out why, but I had a strong physical reaction to these reassurances. My very wise counselor explained to me these are because of his previous false reassurances-. What does that mean? Here’s an example. During his affair, I would question my husband about the affair partner and his relationship with her. I was very direct about my suspicions that they were having an affair. She was his boss, so I knew he spent time with her every day at work, but he would often complain about her in a variety of ways, and tell me flat out that he did not find her attractive and he would never be interested in her. And yet…he was simultaneously carrying on an affair with her. He often went into detail about many of their day to day conversations and interactions as though he was being transparent with me. All of that was to normalize their relationship to make me feel “safer” and let down my guard, when in fact it was just smoke and mirrors - manipulation to throw me off track about what was really going on, to stop all of my questions. So now, after D-day, if I am feeling unsettled about a female coworker, for example, statements about her unattractiveness, his disinterest, or “you don’t need to worry” don’t feel comforting like they should. I’ve heard it all before, and they were lies. So, those kinds of “reassurances” don't feel reassuring now. Those same words were used to deceive my fragile heart that wanted so desperately to believe him, and now they just make me very anxious. There are never any guarantees in life, but at this point I don’t truly fear he would cheat on me again. However, I have found that connecting my brain with my gut is a tricky business, and it can be slow to get the message. So while my logical brain does not believe he would betray me again or would even desire to do so, my emotional response is often fearful and guarded. After all, I never thought he would do it in the first place. As a result, these “reassurances” just don’t feel very reassuring. The skepticism is normal, understandable, and healthy as a person who has been betrayed. Trying to forcefully override those feelings has not been helpful or effective - I’ve tried. It may be hard for the unfaithful partner to understand, as he or she knows if they are now being truthful, but from the betrayed spouse perspective, you only know by what you see, and that takes a lot of repetitive trustworthy behavior. Trust is shattered in a moment, but takes diligence and time to restore. The unfortunate reality is that when you cry wolf too many times, no one will believe you. That’s just how it goes. It’s not my fault that I don’t blindly believe words that were previously used to deceive me. That is just me protecting myself. The problem is, my hard earned defenses smash up against his genuine commitment to the truth in our current relationship. That is hard on both of us, but it helps to understand how we got here, and that my hesitance isn’t coming from stubbornness. My gut is just doing its job to keep me safe, so when it hears things that ring familiar to those that were disingenuously used against me, it says, “Nice try, but we’re not falling for that again.” It’s not a personal judgment against my husband. I believe he has been completely truthful since D-day, and I also know it must be exasperating for him when I don’t - or can’t - believe something he tells me. I am now starting to be able to separate my husband’s intentions from the impact it had on me. I viewed intention and impact as intertwined, assuming he intended to hurt me and made his decisions with that in mind. He obviously knew it was wrong, but had no idea how it would impact me because he never made the effort to think about it. If you were the unfaithful spouse, please know that we really do want to believe you. We just might not be able to... yet. As frustrating as it might feel to you, please keep being honest and open, and with time and healing, it is possible for trust to be restored. It is not an easy process, and the deeper the deception, the harder it will be, but it is worth the effort if you want a chance at restoration of your marriage. “The weight of the things that remained unspoken, built up so much it crushed us everyday." ~Maroon 5 Can We Believe Again? Part 1: Crying Wolf Can We Believe Again? Part 2: Reinforced Walls

My emotional walls went up when his affair began, and had been reinforced from all the deception and mistrust. There was no easy way to sandblast them down; instead, they were chipped away as trust was built - trust in him and trust in myself. I didn’t trust myself anymore after having “allowed” everything that happened. I felt stupid and weak for not having done more to catch him in his lies, stop the affair, and protect myself. His repeated false reassurances (more on those later) only reinforced the walls. I felt very guilty about this for a long time. He demonstrated in many ways that he is now a very trustworthy man. So I shamed myself for not just dropping my defenses, but it didn't matter - I just couldn’t let him get too close. I was continually guarded, waiting for the next shoe to drop. If it took so long for him to admit the affair even happened, if I waited it out I might get more truth, right? My counselor helped me understand that my defenses were put in place at a time I needed them. They served a purpose and protected me, and I should not be mad at myself for doing what I needed to do. I should appreciate my gut response (that even now continues to remind me of potential danger), for protecting me when I needed it, but I also need to stop bashing myself for developing necessary and healthy defenses at a time when it was critically needed. Taking down those walls is hard and that is where I am now, but not blaming myself and feeling like a failure/loser/whatever for not easily dropping those defenses is crucial for my well-being. I don't do this well at all. The more I talk to my counselor, the more she normalizes me having a hard time letting the defenses go. Maybe that will help you; I don't know. We are all dealing with competing realities of betrayal recovery and trying to sort it all out on some level. “Honesty is the highest form of intimacy." ~Nicole LePera Why do they lie? So why do people lie? It isn’t always what it seems. Lying creates power and control over a situation. If I lie to you about something, you are unable to make an accurate assessment, so I am essentially controlling your reality. Yes, it is manipulative and hurtful, but it may not have the intentionality we might assign to it. It feels like my husband intentionally manipulated and controlled me to ensure the affair could continue uninterrupted. The lies and cover ups were deliberate ways to ensure I had no autonomy to make good decisions about our marriage or my own well being. He and his AP both had to know that, but it seemed that my life was not as important as their ability to maintain the freedom to continue the affair. After D-day when I presented my perceptions to my husband, he saw it very differently and said he was not intentionally manipulative like that. Yes, of course he was intentionally lying to protect his secret, but not with the conscious purpose of robbing me of freedom. He never thought it through that far. The lies were basically a response to each immediate threat of being found out. Just kicking that can down the road until another lie was needed to keep the cover up intact. People generally lie to avoid consequences. When they lie, it turns away the focus so they don't have to really face - and feel - what they're doing, and who they really are. It protects their image, not only to others, but to themselves. It is more than just wanting to deceive others, it's also about deceiving themselves. By keeping things hidden they don’t see the pain they are causing, so it’s easy to convince themselves they aren’t actually hurting anyone. Most unfaithful partners justify their behaviors to feel better about what they are doing. Often, they tell themselves they are lying to spare their partner from pain, so it is ok or even noble. Over time the behaviors become normalized and seem less harmful - it is no longer shocking to lie, so it gets easier and more routine. The reality, of course, is that deception is not about sparing the feelings of the betrayed partner, it is about avoiding consequences and controlling the situation. People cheating in their marriage also lie to avoid risking something they don’t want to lose. I found numerous examples to support the irony that they often lie because the marriage is important. It sounds crazy, but if they didn’t want to preserve the marriage, they would probably just openly admit the betrayal, leave, and move on. Right? There are exceptions, of course. There are people who have different motives and then there are actual sociopaths, but most who lie are doing so to avoid losing something they value - even though the actions they are taking certainly don’t convey value at all. From my perspective as a betrayed spouse, it certainly felt like my husband was willing to risk our marriage and family because it had no value, but he wasn’t. Ironically, he lied because he didn’t want to lose it. He didn’t want to change his “real” life for the AP; otherwise, he would have just gone ahead and done so. Thank you for reading Part 2. I hope this series has provided validation for the experience of the betrayed spouse and perspectives to consider about deceit. Last up is Part 3 where I will close out the series and discuss more of the distorted thinking that can perpetuate deception, as well as the echoes that can linger in the betrayed spouse as a result. Can We Believe Again? Part 1: Crying Wolf Can We Believe Again? Part 3: Maintaining Status Quo

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"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from those you trust the most." ~Author Unknown You are probably familiar with the fable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. The tale concerns a shepherd boy who intentionally and repeatedly fools villagers into believing a wolf is attacking the town's flock of sheep. He cries, “Wolf! Wolf!” to watch them all come running, but they arrive to find there is no wolf. He does this several times, and eventually, when an actual wolf appears, the boy calls for them in a panic. By this time the villagers no longer believe him so they don’t come, and the sheep are eaten by the wolf. After hearing the same phony claims again and again, no one believed the boy when he was finally telling the truth. He had knowingly told the same lie several times before, but it still seemed to come as a genuine surprise to him when the villagers didn’t believe him when the story he told was actually true. This fable speaks to the complicated and frustrating experience for both spouses after the discovery of betrayal. For the unfaithful spouse, he or she KNOWS when they ARE telling the truth and probably feels hurt and exasperated that they are doubted or continue to not be believed during the healing process. After all, they knew when they were lying, and they also know that now they’re actually telling the truth, so it should be enough, right? The betrayed spouse is understandably guarded after the revelation of infidelity, and speaking from my experience, I refused to be fooled again. So even if I really wanted to believe him, my gut reminded me of all the lies I had heard, and that he was not to be trusted. It’s a very difficult place to be for both parties, and it takes time and understanding to even begin to find some middle ground. Understanding why this is so hard was helpful for me to cut myself some slack for my unrelenting guardedness and skepticism. As always, my experience is mine, and does not represent all betrayed spouses or situations. It may not be relevant to everyone, but if it rings true for you, maybe you can find something that is helpful. My husband’s long term affair ended 10 years prior to his eventual admission. I had been asking him for years to tell me the truth, but he continued to lie to me over and over again. When I finally got the truth, it was a mix of feelings. I always knew in my heart he had an affair, but was still hoping I had been wrong. I fought an internal battle all those years to convince myself I was overreacting, and that I should believe him, since he had very convincingly told me dozens of times that I was just paranoid. But it turns out I was right the whole time. Once the truth was finally out on D-day, it was all out. To his credit, once he decided to confess he held nothing back, he told me some very hard truths, and did not try to justify his actions. However, in doing so, he seemed to feel I would just automatically believe everything he said now that he had finally decided to tell the truth. This was after intentionally lying to me for more than a decade - over half of our marriage at that point in time. After all, he knew he was finally telling the full truth. He knew he never intended to lie to me again, no matter the repercussions. But I had been on the receiving end of so many lies, for so many years. So now, I wanted to believe him; I really did, and sometimes I was able to, but some things were just a no-go for me. The ambivalence was intense, and there were elements about the affair and the affair partner (AP) that I just didn’t believe, no matter how many times he said it, and how emphatic he was. Too many lies for too long had made it hard to believe anything. It confused me because at my core, I really believed he was finally telling me the truth. So why did I still have doubts? He was hurt that I didn’t trust him. He is entitled to his feelings and I tried to empathize, but the reality was, I didn’t trust him because he had proven not to be trustworthy. So where do we go from here? I hope you will join me for Part 2 to continue the conversation about the impact of deception and why it is so hard to overcome. “If you tell the truth it becomes your past.If you tell a lie it becomes your future.” ~ Anne Bercht Can We Believe Again? Part 2: Reinforced Walls

Group Leader Resources Welcome to our GLM Q&A page, a place where you can find the most asked questions by leaders as well as connect with your GLM team. Intro AffairRecovery.com · Leading With Hope: Episode 9 - Cultivating Resilience, Part 2