A Tool for the Betrayed Partner Who Feels Powerless after an Affair

After the disclosure of an affair, the betrayed partner can feel paralyzed. Especially if the unfaithful refuses to get help of any significant type and resorts to being elusive, ambivalent or resistant. Today Samuel shares an effective tool for the betrayed partner to consider utilizing in a situation where they feel as if they have little to no influence at all. While we can't control our unfaithful partner, we can use effective, time tested tools which can at the very least, get our unfaithful partner to take action or find themselves experiencing painful consequences that can make their reality less than ideal. While tools of this sort are no guarantee of healing or movement, we are not without help and hope while suffering the effects of betrayal trauma and addiction.

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Never Hit Rock Bottom

Thanks Samuel, I have taken EMS online with my unfaithful spouse as well as HH and a year of counselling for myself. My spouse did not have their heart in the EMS program and didn't do several of the exercises and has refused to do their own counseling and work. I finally set up boundaries, and then moved out. We are now separated and soon to be divorced, sold our home, and I moved to a different city. Things have changed for my spouse environmentally and financially. But they have not told their family or friends why we are separated, so people think I left them for someone else, making them be seen as the victim and their "image" is still intact. Don't think they will ever hit rock bottom or really "get it". I am moving forward with my life but it still hurts. I think it hurts me more than it hurts them.
Why is it that some unfaithfuls never hit rock bottom and just go on with their life as if they haven't destroyed the heart of the person who loved them the most?


Samuel, thanks for the great video.

I'm 35 years out from D-Day (wow, right?) and my UW recently began what I thought was an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. Mostly texting and mostly innocent about a common interest but the volume over a 3 week period was astonishing and in the thousands of texts there were enough personal texts to see this was rapidly escalating. I found out that she had lied a few times to me about her new friend - told me he was married but knew he was divorced and had also set up a secret date to play pickleball together and a few texts about getting together for another play date and to continue to talk... It seemed hauntingly familiar to the way the affair 35 years ago began so I confronted her.

She minimized and denied any wrong doing and denied it was anything like what happened 35 years ago but my gut instinct screamed otherwise.

The confrontation led to a pretty scary collapse for me which eventually led me here. I had previously read Shirley Glass' book "NOT" Just Friends (twice actually) but it didn't interest my wife sufficiently for her to read it. She started to but stopped.

I signed up for an account here and read many blogs and watched many, many videos which led me to buy two books which I devoured. 'Boundaries in Marriage' and 'Wired for Love'. (Both excellent I might add)

When the 1st affair happened 35 years ago I had 3 kids at the ages of 6 - 4 - 2 and I didn't want a person making such bad choices to bring someone into my kids world that may influence them in any way. I was also afraid of the abandonment issues underlying my upbringing which I wasn't aware of at the time but eventually worked through in therapy. Obviously my situation has greatly changed and although I love my wife and hate the thought of divorce, the night of my recent collapse (about a month ago) I thought long and hard and determined I absolutely cannot and will not go through this again.

I then created a boundary for myself. "I will not live in a relationship where I share my spouse with another man." If she wants to have that relationship she can but she won't have one with me.

35 years ago I wasn't in a place where I could do that but I realized this time I had to summon the strength to tell myself I will stick to that boundary.

My wife wasn't/isn't happy with that decision, she thinks she should be able to have male friends if she wants because she has the experience of her previous affair and has the power of her mind to not make the same mistake as last time. Because of our situation 35 years ago and "life getting in the way" we left many issues unresolved. Mostly the "why" of her affair. We disagree on that to this day.

Fortunately for me/us since my discovery and subsequent collapse we have been able to have many heartfelt talks and many empathic moments.

She has signed up for an account here as well and both of us are days away from beginning Hope for Healing and Harboring Hope classes. She has also read Boundaries in Marriage and is finishing up Wired for Love. It's led to lots of conversations about where we are, who we are, who we were and what we see for our future.

It's bright but there's still some pain I need to work through. Quite possibly her as well.

I realize this puts me in a different place than what appears to me about most betrayed spouses here.

I'm hoping I can get some help for my situation here and also possibly help some betrayed spouses realize there's hope for them down the road.

I'm so sorry for all the pain

I'm so sorry for all the pain that brings people here. 💔 I have 3 young kids from toddler to teen, and they are truly my last reason for staying. I stayed because God said forgive , and saw some changes for a little while, but then everything went back to normal. Since my UH refused to do work with H4H, and refused EMS, Celebrate recovery, and to process pain with me., I am now where I was 5 years ago, at rhe proverbial fork in the road. Years of my UH stuffing secrets has lead to shame and more addictions. I placed a boundary on our intimate life, since I no longer felt safe in his arms. Ever since then he gas grown angrier, instead of more empathetic. And that anger is affecting my kids now..so 😒 I feel I must tell him that his inaction in our healing is his choice, but he will need to leave for a time .to.figure out which world he wants to live in. I am betting many stay for the kids. I myself, said goodbye to my career when we began a family. So, I must trust the same God that outed this deception, will.also give us protection if we divorce

Wish we could edit. Yikes.

Wish we could edit. Yikes. He has grown angrier it should say*** amongst other errors

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas