Loving Your Spouse through the Pain of Infidelity or Addiction

Samuel discusses a necessary tool for those stuck in crisis.

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Thank you for creating this video

Thank you creating this video. Where we are on the path of life is only temporary, full of choices and a hope for a better future. The path also has traps that I fell into such as victim mentality and self-centered thinking. The deep insights you share provide resources/ideas/options for a way off the dark path with it's endless discouraging cycles. Your wisdom also can confirm/strengthen our resolve that we are already on the true path, following the light. It took me decades to learn the insights you are providing in an 18 min video. What you have said is all true. You are helping many.

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” - Thomas Merton

The war inside

Samuel,
I came across a quote today from Brene Brown that was so consistent with your video. It is reflective of the 'war inside,' a shame war. The war inside was telling my wife she was bad and didn’t deserve anything good. As the betrayed I wanted her to ‘fix this.’ I wanted her to show commitment. I was using shame to try and control her. I was fueling the war inside of her, the shame, the very thing that was pushing us apart. Deservedly so, resentment towards me would build in her. The messy war would break out and validate the lie that I wasn't good enough and around and around we would go. Choosing compassion is to choose the path of healing and hope.

“We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all—there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.”
- Brené Brown, Daring Greatly