Loving Your Spouse through the Pain of Infidelity or Addiction

Samuel discusses a necessary tool for those stuck in crisis.

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Thank you for creating this video

Thank you creating this video. Where we are on the path of life is only temporary, full of choices and a hope for a better future. The path also has traps that I fell into such as victim mentality and self-centered thinking. The deep insights you share provide resources/ideas/options for a way off the dark path with it's endless discouraging cycles. Your wisdom also can confirm/strengthen our resolve that we are already on the true path, following the light. It took me decades to learn the insights you are providing in an 18 min video. What you have said is all true. You are helping many.

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” - Thomas Merton

The war inside

Samuel,
I came across a quote today from Brene Brown that was so consistent with your video. It is reflective of the 'war inside,' a shame war. The war inside was telling my wife she was bad and didn’t deserve anything good. As the betrayed I wanted her to ‘fix this.’ I wanted her to show commitment. I was using shame to try and control her. I was fueling the war inside of her, the shame, the very thing that was pushing us apart. Deservedly so, resentment towards me would build in her. The messy war would break out and validate the lie that I wasn't good enough and around and around we would go. Choosing compassion is to choose the path of healing and hope.

“We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all—there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.”
- Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

Hard to say I Love You

In seven days will be year off discovering the 5th infidelity, and this time he was with two other woman at the same time. One for at least 10 years, the second for at least one year. I had multiple disclosures during all this months. Still there is a lot of missing information, he said he does not remember. My partner is at home after a 3 months separation. 4 months later he is working with his therapist, and I am also with my therapist, and now taking the Harboring Hope program. I thought after the "last infidelity 20 years ago", and the big crisis we had, he would not do it again. I have gone through a forgiving process, because no forgiving is not an option. 25 years later, this time with my kids already adults, it has been very hard for me finding out a complete history of sexual addiction, not eventual infidelities as he kept saying, it was a total life of long terms affairs, prostitution, pornography, lies, manipulation, etc. I have not being able to express my partner that I love him. I just can't say I love him, even I treat him with dignity, and understand that he was totally unconscious of his behavior and definitely hi is sick. I do not hate him, I know he is trying, he is working toward the recovery.. He said I'm the woman he wants and loves. In my case, I have not being able to express him that I love him; those words do not come through. My therapist said the love is there, even I can not say I love you.???