Loving Your Spouse through the Pain of Infidelity or Addiction

Samuel discusses a necessary tool for those stuck in crisis.

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Thank you for creating this video

Thank you creating this video. Where we are on the path of life is only temporary, full of choices and a hope for a better future. The path also has traps that I fell into such as victim mentality and self-centered thinking. The deep insights you share provide resources/ideas/options for a way off the dark path with it's endless discouraging cycles. Your wisdom also can confirm/strengthen our resolve that we are already on the true path, following the light. It took me decades to learn the insights you are providing in an 18 min video. What you have said is all true. You are helping many.

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” - Thomas Merton

The war inside

Samuel,
I came across a quote today from Brene Brown that was so consistent with your video. It is reflective of the 'war inside,' a shame war. The war inside was telling my wife she was bad and didn’t deserve anything good. As the betrayed I wanted her to ‘fix this.’ I wanted her to show commitment. I was using shame to try and control her. I was fueling the war inside of her, the shame, the very thing that was pushing us apart. Deservedly so, resentment towards me would build in her. The messy war would break out and validate the lie that I wasn't good enough and around and around we would go. Choosing compassion is to choose the path of healing and hope.

“We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all—there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.”
- Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

What has happened to Samuel?

Hoping that everything is okay, but missing Samuel’s blogs.

Unfaithful loving betrayed spouse through the pain while being s

I am the unfaithful spouse, my betrayed husband and I are not only separated but living separately at this time. I'll be honest today was the day I came across your YouTube Videos, by searching " I cheated how to forgive myself" , as I watched that, it brought up inside of me so many things, I want to give alittle background, 3 yrs ago is when I had my initial affair, we separated immediately, at the time I didn't recognize his lashing out, moving out same day after it was brought to light, was his way of dealing with the trauma I have caused, Either way at the time , I had felt just as you have explained iin many of videos, and felt and thought as though "ok this is what I get, what I deserve, he deserves better, I am just the scum of the earth" , which spiraled me into further self hatred and pain , because I couldn't fix him, so as I have done (learning this about myself) but when I hurt ,or feel inadequate, I want something to validate my ego and pride and instant second of gratification and I slept with someone else during that time frame, also had the thinking my marriage was over my ego pride fed that justification that it was not only gonna make me feel better because of all the pain I felt for what I've caused him, but that it was " ok", which was not only detrimental to my own well being but furthered stuck a dagger if you will in the pain and trauma that I caused my spouse, all over again with the initial affair. We really had no good plan, or how to recover from that or process, he read some books, I tried to figure out why I did such a thing to someone I love not to mention adored, the first time around it got real messay we did all the wrong things but it did eventually go back to us moving back into together, which brings us to present day, he had done something while being heavily influenced on a drug if you will , and when brought to light, the pain that had been festering for the past 3 yrs that we never truly worked through for ourselves personally let alone together, got spilled all over when I approached him and asked him about, he immediately began to pack his things and left within 30 mins of me just simply wanting to talk about what had happened. He didn't betray me or was unfaithful, I'd rather not out here what it was, none the less is was shocking to me, more shocking than an affair would have been. We said horrible things to each other, I tried to actually not say to horrible things , remain overly positive (minimize) his pain because it brought about all the pain I caused him all over again, which I was thrown by at the time because again what he had done was so shocking to me, that I couldn't even process it, let alone begin to rethink that this was probably what he had done was probably due to unresolved pain and trauma that I've caused him by my affair 3 yrs ago, now I didn't think like that until a couple days ago I'll be honest and we have been separated now for 9 months living apart the entire time, hadn't talked for most of it, divorce papers were drawn up and signed, so I truly thought ok this is it, even if I wanted to be with my husband , he has shown no indication that I could even approach him with the thought of attempting to work things out, he even said at one time there is no going back, so after they were signed , we went again a few months no communication, and when we did, he would say hurtful words about my body physically, and lash out. As I'm over here in the mind set ok, this is done, the process is moving along, and got hit with not only was I not enough for him, but I betrayed him ,caused him so much pain, he will be better off without me now, he can heal, he won't be stressed ,etc, then the fact he had degraded me physically, my ego and pride took over (my self hatred, self loathing runs deep , working on that as well), but I needed to know would someone else feel the same way about me as my soon to be ex husband does, that was my thought, distorted, not normal all of that, but I did sleep with someone else again to validate my ego my pride, because I already felt like nothing inside, like the only thing I could hold onto is that fact no one has ever said anything about me physically too, so that was such a whirlwind. I began looking into why I seek sexual validation in time of hurt and pain, began realizing how I have always used that to "make me feel worthy", after that last sexual encounter, I began to look deep and sit with the pain because like I said my spouse was not communicating with me at all the papers were signed, so I had to sit with myself and say I need to learn to forgive myself for the agony I have caused my spouse and other in my life for that matter, take accountability and know that no pain no gain, like I can't run from or into the arms of another man, because deep rooted was my child hood trauma of being raped by my brother and father, it's all making sense now, that's how I was almost conditioned and learned in order to be loved or feel worthy sex was the way, . So with all that, I'm glad I found your website because it gives me so much insight to myself, what I did wrong when my husband was living here how I can potentially help him heal, because healing his heart,is not so we can reconcile, but most importantly so he can begin to process and eventually resolve the pain I've caused and any deep rooted issues he may have as well from his childhood also that I am aware of. No one deserves to live with that sort of mental torment, self hatred , and pain. I know that's a premature response when this is all fresh- my acknowledgement of how pain trauma almost becomes the reason we run, cheat, lie, etc and he deserves to feel whole again, as a secure man whom loves himself again, so I am going to do your boot camp which probably will be just me myself and I, and that's ok, I don't want to hurt anyone again in my life, most importantly whether he decides (which he has peaked interest just today) that he may want to work on healing himself as I heal myself, do recovery for for each other as individuals, that maybe we can then come together as husband and wife and work on that, again that's a process, patience and time, it's just what I'm curious about which I plan. On seeking professional help from an infidelity specialist, but how do I love him, be there for him, while we are living separately, the loving him through the pain I've caused him?

Missing your videos

Hi Sam. Hope you and your family are doing well. I'm sure I speak for many others in saying we miss seeing your new videos each week.
I hope you are enjoying a well deserved break. Looking forward to seeing you back at AR, speaking to all of us. Today is October 10th,
I'm here watching and participating in Hope Rising 2020. Thanks for all the help and guidance you bring to so many people.

So helpful

Am so relieved to have watched this video today that is exactly my situation. My Husband who was unfaithful is shut down emotionally and I can’t reach him . It hurts so much . I know he is as u say waging his own war and I decided last week to try to step back give him some space but while still showing love and support and focus on my own healing .
Sounds good but it is so hard . When you try to reach and get nothing back I then start overthinking and the intrusive thoughts that even though he has said he loves me and wants n hopes we can recover maybe just maybe the way he is now means that he doesn’t really feel that wY .
I feel so rejected and want to then release all my emotions into him but know if I do that he will retreat further into himself.
So I understand a bit more now that this is quite normal behaviour and I can carry on fighting my own healing battle and hope in time he will open upto me .

i'm so glad i could help in some small way

it is an agonizing situation to be in...i'm sorry that it's so tough and overwhelming at times.  it's vital you take care of you, soothe yourself and do the work you can do.  it's not easy....but it's vital we take care of ourselves and our side of the street.  

Hard to say I Love You

In seven days will be year off discovering the 5th infidelity, and this time he was with two other woman at the same time. One for at least 10 years, the second for at least one year. I had multiple disclosures during all this months. Still there is a lot of missing information, he said he does not remember. My partner is at home after a 3 months separation. 4 months later he is working with his therapist, and I am also with my therapist, and now taking the Harboring Hope program. I thought after the "last infidelity 20 years ago", and the big crisis we had, he would not do it again. I have gone through a forgiving process, because no forgiving is not an option. 25 years later, this time with my kids already adults, it has been very hard for me finding out a complete history of sexual addiction, not eventual infidelities as he kept saying, it was a total life of long terms affairs, prostitution, pornography, lies, manipulation, etc. I have not being able to express my partner that I love him. I just can't say I love him, even I treat him with dignity, and understand that he was totally unconscious of his behavior and definitely hi is sick. I do not hate him, I know he is trying, he is working toward the recovery.. He said I'm the woman he wants and loves. In my case, I have not being able to express him that I love him; those words do not come through. My therapist said the love is there, even I can not say I love you.???

Transcripts

Samuel, I have been listening to you blog videos for a couple of weeks now and I have a very large playlist of them on You Tube. My question is are there transcripts of these blogs? I am a highlighter and I like to go through the material and highlight and make notes on the points that speak the most to me. I've search the website and even the Resource Library - though I haven't subscribed to it yet. But I can't find transcripts. Are they out there somewhere?

Thanks!

i'm so sorry...but they are not

means the world to me to read a comment like that.  thank you for taking time out of your day to encourage me.  i'm sorry, we don't have them transcribed anywhere.  we've had a few ask for it, but it's not something we can pull off just yet.