On the day I married Stephanie, I swore I would love her till death do us part. I wanted to be a man who loved his wife, a man who would protect her and provide for her. I wanted to be a good father and a man of great integrity. I never fathomed that I would ever dishonor or disrespect Stephanie. My heart was to love her to the best of my ability. That sentiment reflects my true...
When responding to an affair, two wrongs never make a right. It's tempting, but by doing this, a betrayed spouse will wound themselves even further.
As C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” He goes on to say, “The...
Emotional affairs are devastating. The collateral damage from one sharing their heart and life with another person outside the marriage devastates the betrayed spouse and upends all of life for the couple and family. Trying to piece things together post-affair is not only challenging, it can be one of the most discouraging and frustrating things a couple will ever go through.
What is an emotional affair? What qualifies it as such? Perhaps your spouse is resisting the idea that what happened was truly an emotional affair—what then?
If 82% of affairs happen with someone who at first was "just a friend," as Shirley P. Glass' research suggests1, then maybe there's benefit in exploring how these friendships begin. How does one decide to begin an emotional affair? What signs are there that an emotional affair is...
This week we hear from Marie, a wayward spouse who shares her personal experience of infidelity before, during, and after her affairs. I hope her story brings hope, courage, and understanding to those of you on both sides of this difficult circumstance.
My husband, John, and I were an old married couple before we ever exchanged vows. We lived together, had a dog, and sat around in sweats doing nothing. We loved each other, I'm certain, but it seemed as though we forgot we needed to show it.
About a year into our marriage, I started feeling restless. My daily routine consisted of studying, working, caring for our home, shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I received little to no help from John. Most days when he got home, he would immediately get on the internet...
"Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me that she had allowed Chuck to move home last month even though he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner (AP). Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, Am I a fool for even trying to work on my marriage?
During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story: "Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when talking about his AP. In the past month, he's taken steps to make things better, and he hasn't contacted his AP, but she has tried to contact him. He says he loves me and he wants to help me heal, but the only time he gets emotional is when he talks about HER. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to feel he is really remorseful? It's making me an...
"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed.
Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret. "Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter! What in the world could the two of you have in common?"
Disclaimer: Before I even start this article let me stress that there's no way I could ever write something that will be able to fully answer why your mate chose their affair partner (AP). Why...
"It is over, I don't see the need to talk about it." "It meant nothing, so there is nothing more to say." "It was in the past; can't we just move on and be happy?" "I'll never do it again, so why can't you just believe me?"
And on and on it goes.
Pronouns have a subtle and uncanny way of minimizing and protecting us from the truth.
So, what is it?
It is the place where wayward spouses usually hesitate, stutter, and start to get uncomfortable.
As the discomfort and hesitation from the wayward spouse goes up, the...
Recently Stephanie was perusing the Recovery Library and said to me, "Betrayed spouses need some practical suggestions on forgiveness." My first thought was that forgiveness isn't practical; it's actually rather extravagant. But Stephanie was willing to offer some do's and don'ts for those who have been betrayed. I've rounded out the discussion by offering suggestions for the wayward spouse.
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For the sake of our discussion, allow me to clarify who this is intended for and give some definition to some of the terms.
To begin, let me stress that these suggestions are for couples who have moved beyond (or who are ready to move beyond) discovery and determine how to live with what has...
My family–everyone except me–loves puzzles. One year, they worked on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle called "Will the Real Santa...". It was made up of over 32 Santas who all looked basically the same. Each had a white beard and red costume. For hours, my family sat around the table taking each of the thousand pieces, comparing them to the picture on the lid and trying to distinguish slight differences that would help them decide where to put that piece. My family claims it is rewarding when they are able to make just one more piece fit. They find fulfilling what I consider to be torture.
...
How do I know if my spouse is truly committed to recovery?
When you are trying to put your life back together in the aftermath of infidelity and addiction, it's important to "stay in your own lane." When it comes to our marriage relationship, it is very natural to question from time to time what IS happening on the other side of the street, so to speak. This is a kind way to remind us all that we need to focus on our own work.
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What Type of Affair Was It?
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