After the revelation of an affair or other sexually inappropriate behavior, it is, unfortunately, very easy for both the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed spouse to make a series of well-meaning mistakes which further complicate the situation and the healing process.

Listed below are just a few of these common mistakes. We hope that this information will help guide you!

The Unfaithful Spouse's Common Mistakes

• Being defensive: Since the revelation of a betrayal is extremely traumatic, there is no room for defensiveness. The antidote to defensiveness is taking personal responsibility.
• Leaking out information over time: Getting the truth out, all of it, is a great opportunity to display real integrity and safety, something you may feel you've been lacking if you've had to hide your actions or lie. Don't miss your chance. Tell the whole truth as soon as you can.
• Not being consistent in your recovery plan: After a betrayal, there is an obvious problem with trust. To re-establish trust, an unfaithful spouse has to be consistent in what he or she says and does. The only thing a hurt spouse can rebuild on are your behaviors. If you are consistent and do what you say, then over time your mate can begin to trust again. But if you fail to follow through with what you say, it will only serve to reinforce your mate's distrust.

Common Mistakes of the Betrayed Spouse:

• Bludgeoning your spouse with guilt: Your spouse already knows that what they have been doing is wrong, even if they will not admit it to you. Pointing such things out will usually only serve to push them away.
• Trying to drive the affair partner off with a personal confrontation: Confronting the affair partner to make him or her feel guilty usually only encourages the affair partner to think that in the end, you will leave them. This may give the impression that the affair partner has all the power and actually encourage them to believe that the affair might turn into a long-term relationship.
• Believing that you should or can do the same thing: You may feel a desire to show your unfaithful spouse how it feels to be betrayed and think that if you do, your spouse will ultimately come crawling back. It may bring them back. It may not. I have clients who have tried this approach, only to find their lives are far more complicated, because they have the pain of their mate's infidelity and the guilt from their own unfaithfulness.

Remember, these are the most common mistakes we see at Affair Recovery, so if you've made one or all of them, you are not the first. It does not mean that your marriage is doomed; it means that you are hurt, you are human, you need helpful information, and you need to pursue healing. It's never too late to heal!

And whether you've made none of these mistakes, made one, or made all of them, it's time to kickstart the healing process. EMS Weekend puts couples 4-6 months down the road of recovery in just three days. The weekend intensive will provide you with expert guidance, group support, and a deep dive into the critical elements needed for healing.