Part 1: How to Reengage Part 2: The Importance of Cherishing
Returning to sexual intimacy after an affair is often an intense and emotionally charged experience. Just thinking about reengaging sexually after the revelation of an affair can fill both partners with anticipation and longing, fear and anxiety, and sometimes even dread. To address this aspect of recovery, one thing is for sure: We have to spend some time looking deep within ourselves and gently but directly face our fears, anxiety, and shame.
At the beginning of this journey, many people think it is impossible to heal from the psychic wounds of infidelity. But we know that the physical body can heal, and your emotional body can heal too. In order to heal...
My life changed forever almost eight years ago when I decided to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Now, before you think I'm about to tell you some crazy cool skydiving story, it's not about that. It's about what happened when I arrived back home.
It was D-Day and I didn't know it. My wife disclosed to me that she had been unfaithful.
I was sitting on our white IKEA couch when my world flipped upside down. We had dated for six years and were just a couple of years into our marriage. I believed we were deeply enjoying life together. I didn't even have a category for the words my...
"I can't believe this is my story."
Perhaps you've had a similar thought or even said some version of this aloud. It's an unfortunately natural response amongst those who have found themselves grappling with the life-shattering impact of infidelity. This is true for a betrayed spouse trying to make sense of events after a disclosure, and for a wayward spouse who recognizes that, despite their intentions, they have strayed very far from "I do."
We are all "living a story" with our everyday lives. We constantly share, tell, and listen to others' stories as a way to make sense of our own life and the world...
Couples often ask: "When should we stop talking about this?" For the unfaithful spouse, the question can be rooted in confusion and impatience as they're emotionally exhausted from having to relive the pain of their betrayal. For the betrayed spouse, the question can be rooted in a desire to know they aren't crazy for continually going back to repeated conversations in the past, as they continue to make sense of it all in the present.
An unfaithful alumnus of our program answered this question in this way: "She gets to do that as long as she wants; I have forever lost the right to say, 'Why can't you get over this yet?'" This is one...
The frustration. The agitation. The internal scream from wayward spouses: Please, God, will they ever stop asking these damn questions? You're not wrong, you probably have answered that question before. Maybe 19 times to be exact.
I remember doing this myself, relentlessly, obsessively, heartbreakingly. I asked my husband the same gut-wrenching questions over and over again for months. And I had my reasons.
Sometimes I was testing him. I wanted to see if his answers were consistent or...
Have you ever wanted to fix something so badly that you'd trade anything to figure out how to undo the damage? Those who have been caught in an affair know what this place feels like.
When their affair or addiction is discovered, the pain and shock on the betrayed mate's face and the sound of their voice – whether it's screams, cries or silence – is something that neither will soon forget. All of the secrets and lies come out of the woodwork and are on full display.
In that moment, there is nowhere to hide and it is an understatement to say that for both the betrayed and the wayward, it can feel like the world is closing in around you....
In the third grade, I was placed in leg braces. For the first time in my young life, I felt different—isolated, set apart, and alone. The worst part of my new reality came each day at recess with the dreaded game of kickball. Mrs. Anderson would appoint team captains who would take turns selecting team members. I vividly recall standing there, eagerly hoping to be picked, only to be chosen last, every time.
Many of us carry echoes from the past. Perhaps you remember a time, like in third grade, feeling awkward or different—maybe it was braces, or orthopedic shoes, or just not fitting the mold. Maybe you have memories like mine of being on the playground,...
What does it mean to forgive yourself—especially in the wake of infidelity? Is self-forgiveness only for the wayward spouse, or is it an assignment for all of us? If you'd asked me that question before Discovery Day (D-Day), I would've said without hesitation: "Self-forgiveness? That's on the unfaithful partner to do that!"
Not because I saw myself as the oh-so-perfect wife, but because I believed the person who chose to stray was the only one needing to seek forgiveness. While I suppose it may be the case in some marriages that self-forgiveness is only applicable to the wayward spouse, that was not true in my case.
It's hard to escape it: cheating, affairs, and broken trust seem to be everywhere. Infidelity provides an endless source of drama for Hollywood filmmakers. But for those who've lived through it, a constant reminder of their deepest wounds does not feel like entertainment!
It seems to be a universal plot line and unless you are watching the Netflix series, The Great British Baking Show or the latest animal documentary on Animal Planet, chances are really high that every time you grab that remote, you will see a scene that contains a reference to cheating.
Sadly, anyone who has survived infidelity knows that when you're in the...
If you're reading this, you likely understand the immense pain and confusion that secrets of infidelity bring. At Affair Recovery, we know that navigating the aftermath of betrayal is one of the hardest journeys a couple can face. One of the most challenging, yet critical, steps on the path to healing is disclosure, which is why we're conducting this brief survey. We want to be better equipped to help others through what is often described as the most painful part of a very painful process.
Infidelity is, by nature, the keeping of secrets, and those secrets rob the betrayed spouse of their reality and choice. But bringing the truth into...
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