There I was sitting at my dining room table.
I was three days removed from “D-Day” and as the betrayed spouse, in a bit of a rough spot. My wife had left to go stay with friends for the week so we could both take some time to determine our next steps individually and as a couple.
As I was sitting at the same table where our family had eaten countless meals together, the thoughts of comparison kept creeping up in my mind. It was like a bad nightmare that I couldn’t...
Many of you out there have struggled or are struggling with the thought of comparing the intimacy or sex between your spouse and the affair partner versus the intimacy or sex you had as married spouses.
One of the most difficult and painful parts of working through the fallout after an affair is this idea that somehow sex...
I sat in the therapist's office for the first time after my husband finally confessed his affair. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Surely I did not belong here, did I?
She introduced herself, we had some preliminary conversation, and I told her my story. I didn’t know what people actually did following betrayal, but I knew I needed help and I needed it now. The pain I was experiencing was excruciating and I could barely move through the day. My head was spinning...
I conquered a trigger last week, and I couldn’t wait to get home from my vacation and share it with you!
One of the assignments in EMS Online is to list your triggers. When I took EMS Online about 3 1/2 years ago, I remember thinking, “How many can I list? How much time do I get? We could be here all night!”
Somewhere near...
SHAME!!!!!
Shame is loud and debilitating. It can alter the trajectory of your life. I want to share one step you can take to silence shame and to do so, let me share one quick story about how shame affected my life.
Many years ago, when I returned home from college, my friends threw a party, and after it...
Part 1: Am I Being Naive? Part 2: Life After Divorce: How the Unfaithful Sees It
I love premarital counseling. It's so easy. I don't mean to be sarcastic or condescending here, but I'm sure you'll get my drift as I continue on. The reason premarital counseling is so easy is...
Understanding the reason behind infidelity is crucial to recovery. Without a basic understanding of why someone cheated, it's difficult for the betrayed spouse to determine the probability of future safety. The task of understanding the "why" behind their mate's infidelity is further complicated by gender differences.
Get a...
And the answer is... a definite maybe, but odds are they don't think about the other person nearly as often as you do. The three primary factors driving how often the wayward spouse might think of the other person: 1) the focus of their recovery, 2) the nature of the relationship, and 3) the frequency at which the betrayed spouse...
Is my spouse a narcissist?
It's a valid question.
After a longstanding pattern (sometimes years) of acting-out behavior with affairs, pornography, and sexual encounters, this is a normal question for any betrayed partner to be asking.
On occasion, I have been asked directly from someone who has had an affair, "Am I...
What does a betrayed spouse do if their wayward spouse is unwilling to take steps toward healing? What if they use intimidation when you try to bring something up?
Whether it's trying to get them to end the affair, to be honest, to talk, to see a therapist, or maybe to attend an EMS Weekend, that refusal to take action, that lack of concern, that unwillingness to take responsibility leaves the betrayed partner feeling...
Recently, I shared a few of our most dynamic and engaging Expert Q...
Rick: When it comes to sexuality, what do you see as one of the biggest barriers or hurdles women face in knowing and enjoying their sexuality?
Laurie: I think there's a lot, because it's so complex. Humans are complex. Women are complex.
I...
What's the value of your marriage? You might think it's pretty low right now if you are struggling through the aftermath of infidelity, but give this some legitimate thought. What's the value of your marriage?
I have a friend who says you can always determine what's important to people by looking at their checking account to see how they spend their money. What percentage of your income is allocated to your relationship? What about your energy withdrawals? What would that say about the importance of your marriage?
Another...
Laurie: Many times during EMS Weekend, you and I get to lead groups of women, whether it's wayward or betrayed. You have a way of getting an important message to these women. Men need to hear this too. What is the message that you tell women on one of these weekends?...
Has a lack of knowing what to do ever made things worse? You can bet I've found that to be true. For instance, when I was a kid, a few close friends and I decided to go cliff jumping in the dark of the night. Our plan was birthed from watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. For some strange reason, we thought the excitement would be intensified if we leapt off the cliff in the dead of night. Can you imagine the rush from jumping off a 30-foot cliff not knowing when you'd hit the water? As you can guess, we failed to consider the...
As a psychotherapist, I've witnessed the devastating impact of infidelity on individuals, couples, families, and extended relationships. The betrayal can shatter relational safety, trust, evoke intense emotional pain, and disrupt the foundation on which a relationship is built. Amidst this turmoil, there is a path to healing and growth. One crucial lesson I've learned in guiding countless individuals and couples through this process...
The only question we hear more often than, "Why?" is, "Now what?" The journey following infidelity can feel unbearable. We know how difficult it is to find a safe place where you can get help with your delicate emotions. The following is a letter I received from a recent EMS Weekend participant. I encourage you to read it all the way through. This letter was written by a betrayed man and shares his journey from disclosure...
Four years ago, I discovered my husband wasn’t who I thought he was. When he left the house, he didn’t secretly fight crime or possess any cool superpowers. Instead, he had lived a double life for over a decade.
I heard my parent’s generation speak about where they were when they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Everyone remembers where...
Last week, while I was running an errand, I happened to run into one of our online course group leaders. We began to discuss one of my recent articles. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond to it!
It was a fascinating conversation and one that included, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?"
Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner, I tell them, "Don't!"...
We hope it provides an example of the type of recovery work betrayed spouses do while they pursue healing.
Our society does not deal well with grief. It is the normal reaction to loss, but because our culture does not handle grief well, you may have never learned to deal with it. You may have unresolved grief from earlier losses that is compounded as you deal with this new tragic situation...
Melissa here. I wanted to take a second to share a moment I had this week, from watching the new movie Inside Out 2. For those of you who may have missed the first Inside Out movie, it's an animated depiction of a young girl, Riley, and her journey navigating her emotions, Joy, Anger, Sadness, Disgust and Fear.
In this second...
On February 26, 2010, Peggy Vaughan changed my life. Her email began with, "You may have seen these pages on my website, but if not, you might like to see that we see the issue very much alike." Peggy's book, The Monogamy Myth: A...
I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of watching the movie, The Princess Bride, but it is one of my favorite movies. There is nothing better than watching a movie about "true love." The Princess Bride is a story of how Westley and Buttercup overcome adversity for the sake of "true love" in order to be united in a blissful union. In one of my favorite scenes, Westley heads off to storm the castle to rescue his beloved Buttercup. Miracle Max and his wife, Valerie, yell after...
Join Rodney and Angela for an uncut heartfelt, free-flowing finale of Season 2. In this special episode, they extend their deep gratitude to everyone who made this journey possible: the dedicated crew, the supportive audience, and last but not least, each other. Reflecting on their growth and lessons learned over the past two seasons, they revisit...
Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter chapter.
Several years ago, my friend, John, told me about a man who was struggling with forgiveness.
This man's wife had taken the two youngest of their four daughters to a friend's birthday party. Halfway through the birthday party, she received a call from their two teenage...
Hello, my name is Candace.
I was scrolling through Instagram a few days ago, and I saw this quote that said, “I feel like I’m in Season 5 of my life, and the writers are just making ridiculous stuff up to keep it interesting.” It made me think of a few random things that happened during my first season of recovery that were so poorly timed that it was almost...
Years ago, John entered my office requesting help for his dilemma: "Women are always coming on to me," he began, "and my wife is really upset about it. What can I do?"
Puzzled, I asked him to give me examples. I assured him I was better looking than him and didn't have the same problem. I said, "There must be something more going on."
John said, "Well, one woman came into my office today, kicked off her shoes, came behind my desk and began to give me a back rub."
"Really?" I replied, "...
In 2019, I had a recurrence of cancer, so I was going through three months of radiation treatment. My wife, Steph, and I needed to run a few errands in Austin before getting back to Houston for my treatment appointment...
Disclosure.
The disclosure process is usually the most painful and confusing aspect of recovering from infidelity. It can also be the biggest barrier for couples trying to get unstuck.
Get a plan for the disclosure process by joining EMS Online. This course is comprised of expert methodology honed from decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity to...
In His presence there is peace, freedom, and comfort. Rodney and Angela remind us that we have the privilege and freedom to bring all of our emotions to God, including the difficult ones. He is a faithful friend, fierce warrior, and compassionate counselor, and though what we face may not seem good, He is always working for our good. His mercies...
What Type of Affair Was It?
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