Affair Partners: Eight Reasons Not to Confront Them

Great article suggesting we consider the possibilities before doing something we might regret!
I see this information as a chance to preemptively choose to take back/not willingly give away our power as betrayed. Seeking truth from someone so deeply involved in the deception is risky. Sure there’s a small chance you’ll walk away feeling better, but there’s a greater chance you’ll be opening yourself up to even more trauma for all the various reasons above. This isn’t a Dr’s opinion after reading a book- as one comment suggested. He’s an expert who has seen it all, with the single goal of helping us heal.
[For me] As a betrayed who saw this too late. I had already contacted AP and I KNOW doing so paused and even set back my own healing. And I am one of those few who felt empowered after sending the messages. In a way, it allowed AP even more space/rent free- in my mind and relationship. She didn’t ever share “her” side of what happened, which was all I really wanted from her. I thought for sure between his trickle-truth disclosure and hers I could piece together something resembling the real truth. Perhaps I could have *if she had been open/honest. Instead She lied in every text (about details I had proof of) and didn’t disclose anything. I had prepared for the worst and hoped for honesty. I really didn’t get either. In a way it humanized her to me. Which I despised at the time. Beneath the facade of confidence, I glimpsed a broken insecure human who HAD to win affection (meant for someone else) to validate her own worth.
I was NOt prepared for this and was angry with God for adding it to ALL the work I had to do to heal. But through it He was softening my heart to prepare it to forgive her. Which in time helped set me free…
Had I seen this sooner, I probably would have done things differently. As Rick said, if you’re working to save the marriage, why invite AP to have any place in it?
Dear betrayed, You are what matters. Not AP. If after this article you still feel the only way forward is through contacting AP, at least you’re going into it better informed than most of us before you. Do what’s best for you and mend your heart.
Rick and the AR team have gifted us an entire recovery library of knowledge and truth. If you’re stuck, lost, alone, and too afraid to seek community…spend your free time in the recovery library. Watch and read every video and article. I found SO much comfort and support knowing I wasn’t alone. Others understood my pain and even healed their hearts after struggling through their own.

I wouldn't say that I confronted her, but when he ended it she started texting him like crazy. Mean, nasty texts. we blocked her but once in a while I'd look. Finally i told her, honestly, "no matter what happened, he is never going to leave me for you. you were a mistake that he regrets. He's embarrassed and ashamed and wishes you would leave him alone." It seems to work, she moved on.

Affair Recovery Team, I'm a betrayed spouse. First D date was June 2025. There have been more since then.
You have no idea how much your videos and podcast have helped me in this horrible journey.
Because comments in YouTube/social media are not anonymous, it is difficult to comment more and give you more credit from all the help we get from this work.
As expected, I don't agree 100% with everything you, but certainly >80% of the material have been very helpful to me and to us.
My husband did the Hope for Healing course and I see a difference.
I don't know if I will continue in this marriage or not, but I wanted to say thank you.
Keep up the good work. This has a huge impact on people's lives!

I was never interested in contacting the affair partner. However, when my husband finally ended their relationship, she decided to go full steam ahead against us.
She contacted me via social media and emails. I never responded.
Then, she started harrasing us via multiple daily emails, social media messages. She disclosed the affair in public on a social media platforms tagging us and using a fake account with my husband's name. She humiliated me and him in front of everyone. She used to send me daily emails giving me all the details of their long relationship, where they went, what they did, their long conversations. She even faked she was pregnant for several months. We had to hire lawyers to stop her from contacting us and our family members. My advice : NEVER NEVER contact the affair partner. Independently of whether you will continue in your marriage or not, they don't care about you, they only care about themselves.

Everyone’s situation is different and the decision to contact the affair partner or not doesnt need to be decided by anyone other than the betrayed partner. If I had not contacted my husbands affair partner I would not have known he was addicted to pornography. She told me that and I’m sure based on the fact that he had just been caught in a 3 yr affair he was not going to volunteer that information to me. Had she not told me and had I not confronted him with it there’s no way we would still be together. I gave him 1 yr to get help and he immediately started going to a therapist and joined Celebrate Recovery and now 4 yrs later he’s a completely different man. He never wants to miss church and he’s a leader a Celebrate Recovery. He understands the damage he’s done and talks with men all the time about the consequences of pornography. In my case confronting the affair partner was exactly what I needed to do . It revealed the cause of his behavior as well as childhood issues I never knew about. I don’t think it’s good to make suggestions on whether or not a person should or should not confront the affair partner. It’s 100 percent their decision. My only suggestion would be if you do confront them make sure you can act rationally and speak in a civil tone with the person. Anger , yelling and name calling will not get you any information. My husbands affair partner told me “ You are not at all the person he portrayed you to be. “ Now isn’t that a surprise? Just like I believed he was faithful to me she believed the lies he told her about me. So she was his victim too because she fell in love with a man who just used her to act out his porn fantasies.
I left him for 5 months and during that time he decided he did want to be married and he now understands the consequences of acting out with porn addiction. Had his affair partner not told me about his porn addiction he would have never sought treatment for it. Sometimes confronting the affair partner is needed to get the information you need to make an informed decision about your relationship and whether or not you want to work on it or walk away. Understanding he had an addiction issue is what made me give him another chance. Had she not told me I would have never gone back home and tried to work it out. I had already been to a lawyer and was having divorce papers drawn up when something inside me said “ Go talk to her and ask if there’s anything else he’s hiding.” And BOOM , yes there was , a 7 yr porn addiction. It took me confronting him and telling him I refuse to live with this. You get help or I’ll never come home and that’s what he did. So in my case confronting the affair partner was exactly what I needed to do.

I've got to be honest I don't think this is a helpful article.
It gives off an air of judgement towards affair partners. I don't think it's helpful to treat the affair partner so differently from the betraying spouse. After all, they both did the same actions, the betraying spouse has 'hurt and manipulated' just as much as the affair partner.
I don't think talking to an AP, for example, lowers anyone to the 'same level' Talking is just talking, and there is always the chance that the affair partner's spouse doesn't know about the infidelity. And it is crucial that betrayed spouses know as soon as possible about all infidelity. So although I agree talking to an affair partner can be problematic, there is also the potential to free another human from lies and being trapped in a double life they know nothing about.
I can also understand that a betraying spouse may not want the betrayed spouse to have contact, as they may fear the betrayed spouse will hear the extent of all that was said/promised etc, ie hear that they did say things like 'i love you' even if that has been denied.
Re point 5, it also seems a bit judgemental. It is not a betrayed spouse's behaviour that causes an affair, it is the betraying spouses character, or lack of it. We should all well understand that by now.
Also point 8 I found almost incomprehensible and so judgemental regarding 'not lowering yourself to an affair partner's level' - I mean, again, how is it the affair partner gets looked at with such a low view, as someone lower and more worthless, whereas the betraying spouse, who did all the same things, somehow gets viewed as higher? None of it makes sense. All humans are equally worthy of care, love, attention, and have giftings. Certain people do lose respect by their actions, but that applies equally across the board and is action-dependant.
I just am really disappointed in the one-sided approach in this article.

If possible I would just leave the marriage. Why try repairing? What makes us think they will be different or love us? They clearly didn’t to begin with or they would have stopped themselves from harming the marriage.

I think this never contact the other person thing is so so wrong. Honesty and openness should prevale. Otherwise you are holding the lies. Why doesn't the other person deserve the truth? Why should someone help their partner cheat on them by protecting the lies? I think that the entire theory of never confronting the other person is meant to protect and assist the cheating spouse. Of course it should be done tactfully and with low expectations. But it should be understood that you will not protect the lies.

My boyfriend is still trying to be with his wife even after she kicked him out. She told me to leave him alone. She said I am young and he manipulated me. I am 28 and he is 45. Why do I have to leave him alone if she kicked him out? She also said he has a vasectomy, which made me mad cause he did not tell me that. I dont have kids yet. I feel like he didnt tell me on purpose.

Not every situation and scenario is going to be the same. I find it funny how advice giving in therapy from somone who has never lived the problems people face can tell you the right way to go about issues.. because they read it in a book!

My husband passed not long ago. He kept his illness a secret along with many women having emotional and maybe physical affairs. He worked out of town and out of state for the last few years. We was a mess physically, mentally, and alcoholic drug addict. I have his phone that he never let out of his sight and even slept on top of it silent. I got access to his phone sometimes and saw him on myriads of dirty and dating sites, local singles, extra FB which he texted on. He regularly cleaned and deleted things. He severely abused and ignored me when he was home.I wanted a divorce for 2 years but he threatened and scared me. There is constant evidence through Google and messenger of him contacting ex's, friends younger sisters and the worst a family friend who I kid you not looks like Miss Piggy. They were having some kind of relationship behind my back for years! All of these people I saw him talking to were not as pretty or thin with a model figure like me! Things between us took a turn when mommy dearest died. He pretty much stop caring about me for the most part. I was always there for him, still initiating sex and attention to no avail. He is a Narc BPD ADHD liar, extortionist, cheater. I am guessing our marriage was a lie and he has been unfaithful the whole time. I keep going back and forth on this subject of paying a forensic person to extract info from his phone of his activities which I am guessing is extensive. So I can see who he was cheating with. I have spoken to a few women who were married and not attractive and it didn't go well. They were catty, brazen and jealous and wanted to hurt me. And he acted ladedah! He said what is wrong with having girlfriends? And how nice they were. This killed me because I am a kind Christian wife who was better to him than he deserved. I stayed because he had a stroke. He got a doctor's note and continued to run around up until he died of cancer and a bad heart. I found he was talking to someone up until I took him to the ER. I am so emotionally battered and heartbroken. But I am curious to know who he was with. I always think he had a kid some place because he was always stealing money from companies he worked for. One of his coworkers mentioned if I got a hold of his daughter? We only have one together and a step son. My friends and family and therapist think I wouldn't benefit from finding out everything.

She is laughing at me. She knows I’m dumb. I believe him when he says she’s a friend.

I texted my husband's AP after careful deliberation. I crafted a polite message to her as I didn't want to look back at this and feel ashamed of my behaviour for anything I had written. I didn't want to look like a victim anymore. I wanted to be able to hold my head high and not sink to her level. I told her I knew about the affair, that I thought what they did was horrible and not to call or message ever again.

I fought the urge to call her names and swear at her because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she had hurt me. I needed her to know that I am aware of her and I am not afraid to speak up or confront her. I will defend myself and my marriage with courage.

I still read that text from time to time and I feel good about it. She never responded, but I believe from her response to my husband's 'break up' text afterward, that she was rattled by my text. I have to admit that felt good.

Oh you bet I contacted and confronted my husband's affair partners. Several of them. Couldn't do it face to face except one, and I'll never forget the look of astonishment on her face when she opened the front door and realized it was me as I handed her a letter. I had the drip drip drip truth and or lies for months after discovery. It was my choice how much and what I wanted to know, and I wanted it all. And then I wanted accountability. It was hard to do, but I did come to the place of forgiveness for all involved, and I tried to use what happened to convey that they all could find forgiveness in Jesus Christ alone. Best of all, after being physically caught with the last AP my husband had a truly face to face moment with the Lord Almighty on the floor of the counselors office. That night he gave up, and confessed his sin and received glorious forgiveness. And he's a changed man. This has been 12 plus years ago. We have been married 48 years and counting. I will say though that some things in our marriage were irrevocably broken. Intimacy. There is none. But we worked hard to keep our family together instead of torn apart. A bigger win than a loss. Would I confront again? Yes. I sure would.

I agree with the article, however, the only way I got my husband to admit to facts, was after she told me what happened. With that being said, I still believe there’s a chance she held back some information.
Trickle truth is the worse thing that can happen when you find out about the affair, and this is what happened in my case. I will only believe there is nothing else to know after my husband takes a polygraph test.

Hi i am glad I rang her as it confirmed what I thought was true - she lied and I knew she did, which also confirmed what I knew. Also the way my H acted when I called her told me a lot and the pedestal he had her on. I am glad I called her, even though she called me "disgusting", she is the one with the guilty conscience, mine is clear. They are both forgiven now, which is important.

Not sure I agree with this. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. I’ve had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. They now live the life I was supposed to have. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so that’s wrecked for me. Meanwhile I’m constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better.

I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. I know I don’t have to explain the devastation here. As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. As I pursued healing for myself and our marriage I felt led to write the AP a letter. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. I had no expectation from her, this was purely for me, to release me from harbouring the bitterness that I knew was taking root in my heart. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. That was in 1993, then, in 2019 I discovered that my H didn’t stop at this 1 affair, he continued trying to fill his personal void throughout our entire marriage and this included reigniting his affair with this first woman years after I extended the olive branch… Does this make me a chump? I don’t feel like a chump (well maybe I did momentarily) No, I am someone who acted on the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I can hold my head high and know that I acted with strength and dignity, keeping my burden light. They’re the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? Probably not. I sure didn’t track her down again or confront any other AP’s, she was the only one that I’d met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. Would I do it again? I’m not sure, I hope I’m never in a position again where I might have to.

Hi after almost 3 years the AP contacted me. She wanted to share everything. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. He would lie about the weather if I couldn’t see outside the window for myself. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. The reality from her own words was that she will never be anyones number 1 and that hurts her deeply. Tough! There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). A person who doesn’t live in reality. Who has little or no self worth. It helped me although I didn’t solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest.

What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful?