October 23rd (when the final email conversation took place with my husbands ap) was one of the MOST difficult days of my life.  The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it!  God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN!  I feel a true sense of completion now.  Like it has ended.  Like I have won!  Like my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we did Iit together! I am vindicated!  We've turned a page.  We CAN FINALLY move forward!   I can honestly say now that i have forgiven my husband, and that feels so good.  I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. Only God can make this work. For me, it has helped immensely. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details.  It was true, I DID have to have them. So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!!

Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. The bottom line is that anyone who would knowingly sleep with a married man (or woman) especially when the wife is PREGNANT (as in my case) is a broken human being. Everything went down just like the post mentioned. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Wow. Just Wow. This girl is delusional. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." But today, one year later, her comments still haunt me, I won't lie. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? I'm hoping that time will heal.

I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. It was easy for her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to spend time together. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. I believe my healing restarted every other day. That was and still is the most painful experience I have ever endured. Over the 7 weeks ( which is today) I tried 4 times to contact her. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. My husband claimed she called it off. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. To protect her. She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. That I forgave her. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. That we two have serious problems and good luck. Again he didn't reply. He didn't stand up for us. Two days later because I was in the same town as she was I text her and asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee. No response this time. Any how. Two more weeks go by with no contact. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. So I planned to go with him for one of his away weeks. The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. No trial, no investigation and proof. I feel like I have been run over by a train. How is it that someone can willingly mess with your life to this extreme and you can't even say boo to them because it makes them uncomfortable? Completely unfair.

This is the way mine went down . My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her office...the same office and job she had during her affair. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . This was in June of 2017 . The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily .

During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. She was just trying to "rescue him." When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. My husband does stay in touch with his dad some. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. That's how she met my husband. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. So what about those of us whose AP's are still hanging on through other family members? It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather.

I’d largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope I’d kick him out. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadn’t told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). It taught him there wasn’t a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. It didn’t seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I can’t trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I can’t as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isn’t I know the truth will find me in God’s perfect time. It always does. But I’m glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness

I agree with all of Rick's observations. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'

In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard.

Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. When we met I did not confront him but rather simply asked him how it started & what it meant to him & so on. We had a 'good' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to weep. What did I learn that I could trust? Nothing! He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? Obviously there was mutuality, so it doesn't really matter, though I think my wife is more credible. My errand accomplished nothing.

Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. And I'm glad to say that we've made great progress in healing.

Rick's comment that people affair down, not up, is very interesting & my guess is that he's right. That was certainly true in our situation.

I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP.

Too late for this article. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. My wife claimed she had told him this already. I sent it to his Dr.s office. Not addressed to him but the office. I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her.

Just what I needed to hear. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! It’s 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. It’s been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside... the switching of those roles must’ve been unbearable to her… After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didn’t let her in!!! Thank you!! 🙏🏻

I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. I need nothing from him. But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. That's for myself. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. I need him to know for me.

Rick, thank you for this article. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. I did exactly that....ignored the AP. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldn’t move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud.
I showed her pure ignorance. She wanted to meet, to talk..... I thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realising...why all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. I never responded to her message.....it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) only to destroy our Xmas. And again I kept cold blood and didn’t even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. In a way, I was happy....it opened my husband’s eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that I’m the better, proud, string and wise woman.
It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her.
There are times it doesn’t come easy...., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along..., it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. As a result we don’t talk, perhaps this is for the better....why do I need two faced people around me and my children. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. I made my vowels to him, not them, don’t owe them anything. I owe to my family and children though and will stand in my head to make things work. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake.
I wish you all strength. And go by Ricky’s advice, I agree 100% it is effective.

My initial contact with my wife's AP was to let him know the gig was up. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her.

I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. This also backfired. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. Just a few months later that same pastor performed the marriage ceremony for him and his fiancé - whom he was cheating on with my wife.

People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. Turns out my wife is co-dependent and her AP is a malignant narcissist; she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I still feel like I did the right thing by exposing him to his family and his church, but the real issue was my wife; he was just a symptom. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth – that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years – was just too painful for me to admit.

My wife is lying to me. She said it's over, but I know it's not. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse?

I agree with this article. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. It did help me just to know she knew the truth.

I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didn’t feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasn’t fun. What advice do you have for those us whom don’t seek them, they seek us BS?

How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. So i answered the phone. How i regret this contact…several times. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . My H and her had very similar personality. She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband
H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher.
Don’t ever contact the ow . It only causes heartbreak for you. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. Trust destroyed and don’t think i would ever trust again.

Pretended to be my friend.

Lives two doors down.

Minor public figure in the area.

Hard to not want to confront him. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game.

I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him.

When I was on my way to rejoin my husband, she sent me several crazy sounding messages, which I read between flights, telling me that he needed to get out of Tennessee, and that she was "calling the law" on both of us. As she escalated, I blocked her. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. THAT was my mistake.

She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. My mistake was I kept responding, and begging my husband to make her stop. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her.

I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. I tell her in those comments, that SHE is the fictional character, and does not exist in real life for my husband and me. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up.

So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage.

I did this and it did not end well. She took me to court for “harassment “ which was not true at all. her official statement to the court was full of lies — many of which my husband had told her. My lawyer insisted that I plead guilty, or else I could possibly get a jail term for telling her I would kill her if she contacted my husband again. I was heartbroken and angry, as any victim would be. Of course, I did not actually mean to kill her. I said what any abused spouse would probably say. She called this “a threat on her life.” I felt that saying I was guilty was not as she made it seem and I had every right to say, in my anger, what I sai, and I wanted to defend myself and let the judge decide. My husband (we are still married) wanted me to take the easy way out and declare, against my better judgment, GUILT.
I mistakenly did this and the judge declared the BOTH of us stay away and have no contact with each other. In November the judgement will be over. My advice is NOT to confront The Other Woman or get a better lawyer. BTW,he charged us $1500 payable in advance.

My husband would like to approach his AP's spouse to supply some kind of apology for my husband's part in the affair. I don't think it's a good idea at all. The AP's husband is a jerk, and has already made very inappropriate gestures towards me, and very outspoken, public comments to my husband. I think approaching this guy will only fuel the AP's husband's anger, and possibly even spark physical contact by this guy. What's been your experience with a wayward spouse approaching the AP's spouse to offer some kind of apology?

Hi Rick,

I know your heart is in the right place but I believe youre wrong here. One of the last lines of your article says this: The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. Wouldn't this article be you doing just that? When I confronted all three affair partner, after consulting my lawyer, after calming down, after careful considering and working, sending each of them a text explaining to them that I knew and that I was divorcing my spouse, brought me such a sense if restored dignity. I no longer felt like the "only idiot who didn't know" while all three affair partners (two of whom were best friends) knew all about me. It was such by my ex spouse and thse women who care nothing about marriage. Letting them know that I nkew, that they needed to be tested for the folloiwng STD'S as my ex did not report to them that he had these and had passed them to me, and that now if they wanted tyo be safe they should do the same, it wsa gratifying to me. It was a reclaiming of a modicum of respect that they all colluded in taking from me. Whether you agree with me or not, and aren't you the one who betrayed your wife? Or was it the other way around, I do not think we give the betrayed partner enough credit to determine for herself what she needs and does not need in terms of restoring some of her own power and in her journey to trust her own gut, which by the way, mine happened to be right, right from the start. But lies, manipulation, bullying and verbal abuse, him accusing me of losing my mind kept me in psychological hell.... while he and his groupies were bar crawling and sleeping with one another. I'm a professional. I'm a therapist myself. I KNOW what I needed and confroting each one in a dignified way, while also exposing the recklessness of their actions in the passing of dangerous diseases felt wonderful. I was controlled and calm and restored. Then I carried on with my divorce knowing that as a daughter of God, I deserve so much better than what this man had done to me.

My husband had 2 AP’s that were both my best friends. The affairs were 20 years apart, 2 different best friends. Both were long term affairs, the first one was 3 years (emotional and physical) and probably would have been longer had they not been caught. The second one was 12 years (I’ve been told physical only, which I still find hard to believe). I only learned about the second one that ended in 2011 in October, 2023. Husband stopped affair and kept the lies going for 12 years until the AP started texting and that’s when everything blew up.
I never contacted the first AP. Therapy, prayer and faith in Jesus carried me through to total healing.
I have written letters to the second one with no response.
Double betrayal both times.

We’ve been married 52 years, a time in our lives we should be enjoying each other and happy. This last revelation has destroyed me. 9 months after D-day and I’m still crying every day. Husband is doing all he can to help me heal. I love him, but have lost respect, my dignity and self esteem.
I pray every day that we’ll get through this together.