As I first ventured into the world of betrayal recovery, I listened to several experts advise against asking too many questions and getting too many details about their spouse’s betrayal. They cautioned that the details can be damaging and cause lingering intrusive thoughts. The predominant advice is to stick to the basic information of timeframe and generic summary of events but otherwise to steer clear of anything that could be considered a question related to comparison, like physical appearance, body type, specific sexual experiences, etc. The advice was that these things don’t serve to promote healing, and it is better to keep them unknown. (A list of suggested questions to consider asking instead can be found here.)

Not asking for details is very sound advice, and if that works for you, I agree that would probably be best. It made logical sense and I really tried not to want to know. But that is just not who I am. My perspective may not be the same as yours or anyone else’s, but I found myself needing to know everything. I couldn’t live with my husband having any lingering secrets with the affair partner. The years of secrets made me feel like he was protecting her or preserving something special between them. So now that the truth was out, I needed to know anything she knew. Unless you've experienced it yourself, it is hard to find the words to express the unique feeling of being an outsider in your own marriage.

Initially, I tried the suggested “24-hour rule” many times. The 24-hour rule is where you consider a question that might be harmful to ask, write it down, wait 24 hours, and then see if you still feel the need to ask. I did this on a number of occasions and had a literal notebook full of all the things I wanted to know. Not once did the passage of time make any difference in my need to know the answers to those questions. I wrestled with it internally for a while, like I was a bad person or doing this wrong by still wanting to know. Eventually I realized this is who I am, and I would never rest without all of the information. My first therapist said I was a “nooks and crannies” type of person. I needed to get into the weeds to process things, including the details of the affair.

If you are like me and not knowing eats you alive, then you may want to consider asking for the details. What is the downside? You have the details. They can paint full color images in your head you will never be able to “unsee”, but for me, the images were there anyway, and most of those in my imagination were worse than those he eventually shared. The mental movies I envisioned before I had the details were already embellished with music, lights, sound, and thematic elements that weren’t actually part of the real story. Still, my brain romanticized it and made connections to make sense of it, even if they weren’t true. When there are gaps in details, our brains often confabulate - using our imagination to fill in the blanks. In this case, I concluded how it must have played out since the affair seemed to be so important and carried on for so long. This led to many scenarios I assumed to be true, but in reality, they were not even close.

I needed every detail, and in a few specific instances, I needed to hear them over and over again to overwrite the narrative I had long held in my head. I had a long time to sit with my version of events going unchallenged in my imagination, so they were hard to unravel. It was traumatizing, but the reality was I was already traumatized, and this process was going to be difficult no matter what those details were.

Every person is unique in terms of what they need, but I also think the type of affair or betrayal may make a difference in the potential helpfulness of details. If it was a highly limerent affair, details may not prove beneficial. But if it was a more rudimentary affair it might be helpful. My husband’s affair was sexual but not particularly connective, and that is not uncommon. It was ongoing but not romantic. It was clumsy and haphazard and much less “sexy” than what I envisioned. It was still completely wrong and devastating to me, so I am not minimizing it in any way, but it wasn’t the twitterpated, steamy, romance novel scenario I assumed it to be. It was more of a series of rushed, awkward, unconnected encounters that happened to include sex. John Haney often refers to this as “masturbation with a partner”, which conveys the selfish, meaningless, unconnected, and often mechanical sex that is common in affairs. They barely knew each other in any authentic way. They were very familiar on a surface level and obviously in a rudimentary physical sense, but most of their conversation was flirtation and fluff. Nothing deep was shared. No meaningful plans were made.

On the receiving end of the betrayal, I obviously assumed there was a deep, passionate, and romantic connection underlying all of this. Why else would he have an affair? So all of my “mind movies” and images were along those lines, with perfectly choreographed Hollywood-type sensual scenes running through my head.

It turns out that in reality, there was little conversation, no beautiful scenery, little warmth, and no real passion. It was just hurry-up-and-get-it-done kind of stuff, like teenagers trying to get away with something before they get caught. It was not a particularly coordinated or beautiful experience.

In my case, the pain caused by learning the details was less than the pain caused by my runaway imagination. It helped me to create context for what my husband’s affair was - and wasn’t.

The truth and my husband’s commitment to what I needed to heal were a huge factor in our ability to grow closer through this experience. The process was challenging for him, too, but he patiently shared anything I asked, as often as I asked it. I know I could not have felt safe otherwise. It is not the right choice for everyone, and I acknowledge those details are painful, but I do think about them. But for me, they demystified so much of what I had imagined, and living with those imaginary scenarios would be much worse.

I feel like the typical advice is not to ask too many questions about the details, and I felt shame in wanting to know, like there was something wrong with me or if I was being petty. The stronger I got in this process, the more I understood that we are all unique and that there is no “right” way to do it. Sometimes, seeking more and more information gives the false perception that it will all eventually make sense, but in reality most of us will never fully understand the betrayal. Part of the healing process is learning to accept that fact, but that is not easy and comes much later than we would like.

Not every betrayed spouse needs or wants to know everything, but some do. While it was painful, it was the right choice for me. I would only caution you to consider whether you are ready to hear the answer before you ask a question. You can always wait and ask at a later time - there is no expiration date on questions.

The betrayed spouse must be given the control over how much and when they need to know. Even if a betrayed spouse doesn’t want all the details, they need to know that if they want to know, they can, and that the unfaithful spouse would be willing to share anything the betrayed spouse felt was necessary for their own sanity and potential healing.

I wanted to know what I was forgiving and never look back and wonder about what I didn’t know. I don’t regret my decision, and I appreciate my husband’s willingness to share everything with me and then sit with me while I was in the pain it caused. It showed me he prioritized me over his secrets which was an important piece of our recovery.