How Long is This Going to Take?

Time itself doesn't matter as much as what we do with that time.

I sat in the therapist's office for the first time after my husband finally confessed his affair. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Surely I did not belong here, did I?

She introduced herself, we had some preliminary conversation, and I told her my story. I didn’t know what people actually did following betrayal, but I knew I needed help and I needed it now. The pain I was experiencing was excruciating and I could barely move through the day. My head was spinning and I desperately wanted to move past this as quickly as possible. I was willing to do absolutely anything to find some relief.

“It takes most people about two years to recover,” she said.

What? Are you kidding me? No, that wasn’t going to work for me. I came into her office thinking more along the lines of maybe two months of living like this. Maybe three. That’s it. I couldn’t deal with this for one minute longer. I was in total disbelief of her words, so I told myself I would just do it faster than all those other people.

In early recovery, most of us are in a hurry to just get through it.. No matter what side of the equation you're on, no one wants to linger one minute longer in this mess than absolutely necessary.

My husband was equally unprepared when I shared the therapist’s prediction. Neither of us really believed it, and we wondered if maybe she didn’t know what she was talking about. As the months went on and I continued to struggle, he sometimes gently noted the time that had elapsed, as though pointing it out would make me snap out of it and feel differently.

“Jen, it’s been 100 days.”

I was also frustrated, believing I must not be working hard enough or I would be doing much better by now. He was genuinely repentant, very understanding and supportive. Neither of us understood why I wasn’t starting to feel better. How could I possibly feel this terrible day after day?

“Jen, it’s been 6 months.”

We actually laugh about this now, but it was not at all funny at the time. I felt I was doing it all wrong and I would never recover. I assumed it meant I was doomed to fail. His intentions were good, he just really didn’t understand and neither did I, so I was not able to explain it to him. I thought I would magically feel better over time, and when I didn’t, I went searching for resources and encountered a few references to timelines that reflected similarities to my therapist’s remarks. Various sources described what “should” be happening 3 months following D-day, then 6 months, 9 months, at the one year mark, and so on.

I waited for the days and weeks to pass, just trying to hold on until I reached that magical marker on the timeline that said I would start to feel better. I told myself that when I got there, something would be different. It just had to. And then when the date on the calendar came and went? Nothing. I was crushed. Of course, it doesn’t make any sense that something would spontaneously change on some random date, but I had hung my hopes on it because frankly, I didn’t know what else to do. So when it didn’t materialize, I felt even more lost than before. I just wanted someone to tell me when the pain would end, so that I could crawl into my bed and just hibernate until it was time to come out and be healed.

As I passed each mile marker, I felt more and more discouraged that I wasn’t where I was “supposed” to be. I felt like I was falling behind, like I must not have the capacity to heal like “other people” did, and this conclusion only added to my feelings of hopelessness. The more time that passed without any real improvement, the less I believed there was an actual end to this pain and confusion. I lost all confidence this was going to get any better. My fear increased about being stuck indefinitely in this Recovery Purgatory, and the fear fed on itself the longer it went on. The more time that passed, the more fearful I became that I would never heal, and then more time would pass and feed that fear, and so on.

The reality is that time does not heal all wounds. Time itself really doesn’t matter as much as what we do with that time. In reality, I spent much of that time just waiting. Waiting for him to fix it, waiting for him to make it better. He was also waiting - waiting for me to be healed. Time alone was not going to do it, but neither of us really understood the work that was needed. I wasted a lot of time either trying to avoid the work, or telling myself I didn’t need it. I would do bits and pieces here and there and thought that should be enough, but it wasn’t until I really jumped into my recovery wholeheartedly that I began to experience a significant shift, and things started to really change. Time became much less important as I started to experience glimmers of healing and hope for the future.

I know we all want to look for answers and realistic expectations, but I really don’t like any of the purported timelines, since every one of us is as unique as our situations. I also think there are too many subjective variables that create a wide spectrum when it comes to how each of us even would define “healed,” so it further complicates those predictions. I know some people who are satisfied with just getting to a point of relative peace and stability, and others who won’t stop going until they truly thrive. There is no right or wrong, and sometimes the goal posts move along the way.

Now that I’m no longer in the midst of the trauma, I prefer to look at healing in seasons rather than specific time frames. The initial season of recovery is awful. There’s just no way around that. There are triggers and reminders everywhere and everything feels very raw, scary, and overwhelming. There is little peace. Speaking for myself, what came next was a season of searching. I searched for hope, for guidance, for someone to tell me what to do.

One very important thing to note is that even though it takes time to walk through recovery, the experience is not static. The pain and complete overwhelm I felt the first week is not the same as what I felt months and years later, even if it was still hard. Admittedly it may have taken me longer to gain traction than it might for others, so I was in pretty rough shape for a while. That supposed two year timeline to heal was not even close for me. I wish it had been. Even so, I can see there were shifts over time. Affair Recovery recommends taking an assessment at defined intervals (ie: every 3 to 6 months) to gauge progress since it can be really hard to discern any difference in the day to day.

For me, one straightforward gauge of progress was the impact of a “trigger” over time. Initially, triggers were truly debilitating, causing intense physical symptoms that often took me down for days at a time. A bit later on, triggers were still present and painful, but they only took me offline for an hour, then only for a few minutes, and so on. The intensity lessened. Then the meaning and impact changed. While I wasn’t yet “healed,” my experience when I got triggered was not the same in later seasons as it was in the beginning. It’s important for me to say that here, because I remember when I first started out, I heard about people having triggers years down the road, and I was horrified to think that they felt the same as I did just a couple months after D-day. That wasn’t the case at all. And it wasn’t just about learning to suck it up and put on a brave face. It was a true lessening of emotional and physical response as I continued to do the work of recovery.

So how long does it take to recover from infidelity? The exact amount of time is different for everyone, but the short answer is - it definitely takes longer than anyone would like. There is no way around it - only through it. Winston Churchill is quoted as saying, “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” That’s all we can do. Just keep going. One day you will look back and be surprised to see how far you’ve come in your healing journey. It does get better - much better. But it also takes time. In the meantime, try to be patient, give yourself some grace, keep doing the work, and just keep going. We all get there in our own time.

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Comments

From the other side

As the unfaithful, I have walked the road to recovery with my spouse for several years now and have witnessed much of what Jen relates in her post. My spouse still struggles with the triggers, trust and a long list of other hurts far more regularly than most would imagine at this point in our journey of infidelity recovery. It was Hell but we have kept going. The triggers are still frequent but less severe now and we are slowly building the life we could have had, but never did, due to my selfish behaviors. I am thankful for the chance I have been given to build a new life together and am encouraged that we are, I believe, now on a path that will lead to a better future........... together. Not an easy path but one I feel blessed to be walking. We have hope and I wish the same for you.

Other side

I appreciate you sharing your perspective. It must be very hard to watch your spouse struggle as a result of your choices, and I'm glad you find encouragement in AR and hopefully in this blog. You are right that it's not an easy path but I'm glad you are experiencing healing and growth in your marriage, even if it is taking longer than you would like.

I wish you the best in your continued recovery and thank you for your comment.

The Most Painful Journey

Thank you Jen for this blog. Like you I too thought I would be ‘over the pain’ in 6 months max. I threw myself into the work - anything I could think might take away the excruciating pain (therapists, online courses, meditation, exercise, hypnotherapy, EDMR & much more). All of it helped a little but in the end it came down to time. I found incremental improvements happened followed by setbacks every so often. Didn’t help 6 months post D-day I found out the AP & my husband had been secretly in contact via email. Which in turn revealed further lies he had told me. The trust that I had clawed back went right out the window. So I had to start again.
Now I am 5 years past D-day and much happier. One year ago we renewed our marriage vows. Just us two on a secluded beach at sunrise - it was perfect. More importantly it marked a moving on for us.
Do I still think about it? I’d be lying if I said No. I do. But mostly just with a little sadness that it happened to us. Don’t know why I thought I was immune to this happening in our 35 year marriage but it was a HUGE wake up call & definitely one I didn’t want or deserve but now I feel our marriage is more honest & we both guard it with a new sense of importance than we did in the past. My advice to anyone newly betrayed would be keep going one day at a time & one day you’ll find it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.

"we renewed our marriage vows

"we renewed our marriage vows"
this doesnt guarantee anything, and it most certainly should not equal to "i fully trust you 100% now and you will never hurt me again"....if there is one thing to learn from being betrayed is never to trust anyone 100%, unfortunate but true, we humans are flawed, be with someone long enough and they are bound to hurt you, likely many times

Hi Prcmrj

There are never any guarantees. That's true. The experience of being betrayed is so painful and a total disruption of trust, but healing does allow for trust to be rebuilt if the work is being done by both parties. That may be very hard to consider for anyone early in the process.

Renewing vows is a personal decision that offers many couples a meaningful experience in their healing and reconnection. It may not be something that appeals to everyone, or at every stage, but I respect the commenter's tenacity that allowed her to reach that point in her own marriage.

I dont disagree with you, of

I dont disagree with you, of course its a personal decision and anyone is free to do as they will about it, my comment was simply based on my experience after seeing way too many betrayed couples try to use renewal of their vows as some sort of closure, end to all cure, wether shortly after or long after their recovery....only to get hurt again after.
I would at least hope they seek the advice from their qualified therapist before going down that road, rather than just a private decision (I have never heard of the wayward spouse opposed to renewal of their vows, quite the opposite, they are immediately excited and ready for it, which in of itself is a concern)

Hi Patsy

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry for the additional discovery after Dday - that must have been very difficult to navigate in many ways. I'm so glad to hear you are doing well and congratulations on renewing your vows :) That sounds beautiful.

Thank you for commenting and sharing your words of encouragement to readers.

Re: The Most Painful Journy

Thank you, Patsy, for your entry here. Also 35 years here and it is excruciatingly painful. All because of my selfishness.
I flew overseas to see my AP and gave her a couple of gifts. So, with the suggestion of therapy, online courses, or much of what Affair Recovery is offering my wife doesn't want to spend the money, that it is just more money being spent in addition to what I spent on the affair. It's tough and I want to use AR as a vehicle to get us where we should be. Any suggestions...?
Much appreciation!

To recovery,
~Steve

"My husband was equally

"My husband was equally unprepared when I shared the therapist’s prediction. Neither of us really believed it"
......this is a problem, for the time being there is no "we", he is not your buddy, you need to focus on YOU first, then think about him later, if you even care to.....its healthy boundary setting....looking to him as your "team mate" on your recovery immediately after discovering his betrayal is not exactly healthy....you should be honest with him and tell him you make no guarantees and you dont know if you will even pull this off....

Prcmrj

Each of our situations, spouses, experiences, and personalities are very different. There is not a one size fits all approach, but I respect that you advocate for what you need.

I think we each need to find our own way, and the approach you mentioned would not have been helpful for me when I was new to recovery. But I appreciate your comment, and I'm sure it will help someone reading this.

It Takes the Time It Takes

Dear Jen, It was six months since your last post. I re-read your stuff, I love your clear writing, and I find it mirrors my own experience, other than you're trying to stay together whereas my fiance just up & left the relationship, no looking back after her betrayal. I don't know if it's easier or more difficult to heal alone or try to salvage the relationship. I wonder why after all this time since your D-day are you writing about the timeframe for healing. I wonder what progress I myself have made in the six months since your last post: did I use that time wisely to pursue joy and peace? What is the chemical composition of "healing" -- is it made up of joy, gratitude, happiness, peace, acceptance etc.? We who have been betrayed are working like mad towards it, we all want to be healed so badly, but it is such a moving target of a term. I am thirty months in now, and I feel like I have accomplished stability and equanimity, at least most of the time. Triggers seldom affect me, the PTSD memories have faded into irrelevance. And yet I'm convinced we actually don't heal, we simply learn to live with the wounds. As we re-build our lives, as we find joy in the little things, we create positive energy and that over time dilutes the pain. Thank you Jen for continuing to express the complex and often bewildering aspects of this journey. Raphael

Hi Raphael :)

Thank you for thoughts. I apologize for the delayed response.

I don't know if there is an "easier" option between healing alone or in a relationship. They have different challenges but probably have more similarities than differences. I can only speak from the relationship aspect as that is my experience.

You asked why I am writing about the timeframe now. I feel like healing is a continuum like growth and learning, and it takes time to gain perspective. I am now in a place where I can look back and see it more clearly, and I would have appreciated some perspective when I was starting out, so I wrote this for those in that position.
 
As for the makeup of healing, I think you mention aspects that are probably very true. I agree that we do learn to live with some of the wounds but they diminish over the course of healing. I heard an analogy of hit sauce in the soup - you can't take out the hot sauce but you can add more soup and dilute the impact of the hot sauce. It certainly didn't feel that way at the beginning but it is more true now.

I always appreciate your comments and am glad to hear you are doing well and progressing in your healing.

Thank you Jen for the

Thank you Jen for the response. You are right, this is a process, one with many twists and turns as we navigate new territory. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. It's truly humbling, but that's how we learn and grow, when we realize how much we don't know. These days I feel ok, not over-the-top awesome or anything, but I'll take ok anytime. Raphael

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas