"Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me that she had allowed Chuck to move home last month even though he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner (AP). Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, Am I a fool for even trying to work on my marriage?
During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story: "Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when...
"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed.
Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret. "Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter!...
"It is over, I don't see the need to talk about it." "It meant nothing, so there is nothing more to say." "It was in the past; can't we just move on and be happy?" "I'll never do it again, so why can't you just believe me?"
Recently Stephanie was perusing the Recovery Library and said to me, "Betrayed spouses need some practical suggestions on forgiveness." My first thought was that forgiveness isn't practical; it's actually rather extravagant. But Stephanie was willing to offer some do's and don'ts for those who have been betrayed. I've rounded out the discussion by offering suggestions for the wayward spouse.
Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples.
My family–everyone except me–loves puzzles. One year, they worked on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle called "Will the Real Santa...". It was made up of over 32 Santas who all looked basically the same. Each had a white beard and red costume. For hours, my family sat around the table taking each of the thousand...
How do I know if my spouse is truly committed to recovery?
When you are trying to put your life back together in the aftermath of infidelity and addiction, it's important to "stay in your own lane." When it comes to our marriage relationship, it is very natural to question from time to time what IS happening...
Would you be interested in expediting your recovery?
Imagine that you have a heavy chair to carry up three flights of stairs. Did you know your brain's going to estimate how much energy that's...
Imagine that you have a heavy chair to carry up three flights of stairs. Can you feel the dread? Now, imagine as you're picking up that chair, a friend walks up and offers to help. Think about how much lighter...
"I can't believe a married woman with kids could do this. Can't you see how devious she was?!!" Steph yelled.
"I'm 100% responsible," I said. "I won't minimize my responsibility by saying someone tricked me or made me do it. If I'm going to face my issues, I have to take 100% of the responsibility."
"Why do you keep...
Have you ever found yourself so frustrated, so enraged, so overwhelmed, or so out of control that you snapped? This is not a pleasant place to be, but chances are you've been there.
One thing about the aftermath of infidelity is the explosion of not only chaos and uncertainty, but also the many extreme and scary emotions...
How do you face a new year after an affair? I want to share four recovery tips with you as you start the new year. No matter where you are in your recovery from infidelity, there was probably a time when it felt like you wouldn't make it. But let me start by inviting you to notice that you did. The overwhelm, grief, anger, and despair have not swallowed you...
Wayne: Hey, everybody. Welcome back. So glad you're with us. This week is special for me because we have a very special guest–one of my favorite people on the planet for almost 29 years now! I want to introduce you to my favorite (and only) daughter, Karen Baker, who is a newly minted psychotherapist herself.
Today we're going...
Even though it was twenty-five years ago when I received my training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy, I still remember my mentor Dr. Jan Raynak's words: "Rick, couples will make more movement in the holiday season than in all the other months combined." I noticed that he didn't say progress, and I asked for clarification...
A couple of years ago, Steph and I went canoeing with friends on the Guadalupe River in Texas. It was a picture-perfect spring day. Wildflowers streaked the banks in a kaleidoscope of colors and spring showers had the river running high. We stopped for lunch on a grassy bank and soaked in the beauty all around us. All agreed that...
Brave. Beautiful. Warrior. Scarcely words I would ever consider using to describe myself after my husband’s affair.
Fearful. Scarred. Defeated.
These words suited me best at this point in life.
Nonetheless, my teenage daughter bought me these three silver tiles. Word tiles. Brave. Beautiful. Warrior.
With five children I was...
"What were you thinking?" "Did you even consider the consequences?" "I just don't understand how you could ever do this without thinking about me and the kids!"
Carol's eyes burned into Tim's soul like laser beams. Tim, her unfaithful spouse...
In one succinct phrase, L. Frank Baum perfectly describes the feeling of suddenly finding yourself physically and emotionally lost.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," Dorothy quipped to her dog Toto.
When it comes to infidelity, regardless of the type, this statement couldn't be truer. In Dorothy's mind, mediocrity defined her life.
Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for...
Some days, everything can seem like too much to handle, and this can really take a toll on your energy. I spent many sleepless nights wishing, hoping, and praying to wake up to find that all my pain had disappeared. The pain seemed to rot in my gut and would then turn to anger, followed by sadness. Ironically, most days, the pain wasn’t even about the state of my marriage, but rather trying to cope with the loss of my “first marriage.” I was still married to the same person, but I was grieving the loss of the...
In the weeks and months following the discovery of my husband’s affair, I most often would find myself going through the motions of daily life. Being a stay at home mom of five homeschooled children, I didn’t have a “break” from my kids. My break from daily life would often be found in the seclusion of my vehicle.
On one occasion I found myself driving aimlessly...
Today we are going to have a conversation about sex and intimacy. If you are anything like me, this is a difficult conversation to have, especially with our mate.
No other part of our lives is more personal than sex.
As a female, it still baffles me that in this very century and decade, we are STILL trying to...
My aunt was radiantly beautiful in colored head scarves and rocked GI Jane length hair throughout the three years of her battle with cancer. She remained joyful and full of life, even in the midst of multiple rounds of treatment. When she was unable to travel to a family gathering last fall, I missed her, but simply assumed this was just one more round of chemo, and I’d see her again. That did not happen.
When she passed, I remember wondering why I had not even considered the fact that this...
For more on how to move forward in recovery read: Does Time Heal All Wounds?
Is it possible to not only heal, but to have a better life than before?
Thank you so much for giving me your time. Over the past four decades of treating...
The effects of infidelity extend far beyond the couple in crisis; it also impacts friends and family as they navigate these choppy waters. It's natural to want to help, but what support is beneficial to a couple's recovery process, and what is detrimental? Here are the most common mistakes families and close friends make during their loved one...
There I was sitting at my dining room table.
I was three days removed from “D-Day” and as the betrayed spouse, in a bit of a rough spot. My wife had left to go stay with friends for the week so we could both take some time to determine our next steps individually and as a couple.
As I was sitting at the same table where our family had eaten countless meals together, the thoughts of comparison kept creeping up in my mind. It was like a bad nightmare that I couldn’t...
Many of you out there have struggled or are struggling with the thought of comparing the intimacy or sex between your spouse and the affair partner versus the intimacy or sex you had as married spouses.
One of the most difficult and painful parts of working through the fallout after an affair is this idea that somehow sex...
I sat in the therapist's office for the first time after my husband finally confessed his affair. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Surely I did not belong here, did I?
She introduced herself, we had some preliminary conversation, and I told her my story. I didn’t know what people actually did following betrayal, but I knew I needed help and I needed it now. The pain I was experiencing was excruciating and I could barely move through the day. My head was spinning...
I conquered a trigger last week, and I couldn’t wait to get home from my vacation and share it with you!
One of the assignments in EMS Online is to list your triggers. When I took EMS Online about 3 1/2 years ago, I remember thinking, “How many can I list? How much time do I get? We could be here all night!”
Somewhere near...
SHAME!!!!!
Shame is loud and debilitating. It can alter the trajectory of your life. I want to share one step you can take to silence shame and to do so, let me share one quick story about how shame affected my life.
Many years ago, when I returned home from college, my friends threw a party, and after it...
Part 1: Am I Being Naive? Part 2: Life After Divorce: How the Unfaithful Sees It
I love premarital counseling. It's so easy. I don't mean to be sarcastic or condescending here, but I'm sure you'll get my drift as I continue on. The reason premarital counseling is so easy is...
What Type of Affair Was It?
Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
