Even though it was twenty-five years ago when I received my training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy, I still remember my mentor Dr. Jan Raynak's words: "Rick, couples will make more movement in the holiday season than in all the other months combined." I noticed that he didn't say progress, and I asked for clarification, "Progress or movement?" I asked. "Movement," he replied. The past 25 years have proven him right.

Out of all the days of the year, no day symbolizes "family togetherness" more than Christmas. As a result, no time highlights the distance of a ruptured relationship more than this season. If you and your mate are still close to ground zero, then the reminders can be excruciating. Even if you're within two years of "discovery," painful emotions will likely surface for everyone involved. Feelings of isolation and loneliness seem to magically appear during times of holiday cheer.

The holiday season doesn't have to be a disaster in waiting. Movement can be progress if you make it so. The holidays can be a time of giving and reconciliation—a time where memories of old can give way to hope and new beginnings. Those of us at Affair Recovery pray you'll find peace and joy during this time of the season.

I once read an article by Patty Pheil, M.S.W. that said that the National Institute of Mental Health had estimated that there has been a 15% increase (this number has likely increased) in the number of people who need to seek professional help during the holiday season.¹

Here are a few suggestions we want to pass along. Some of them inspired by the article by Patty Pheil, many of them from my decades of helping people just like you. I hope you'll share suggestions you've personally found useful in surviving the holidays in the comments at the end of the article. Together, we can find a way not only to survive, but to thrive!

• Don't put unreasonable pressure on yourself to be happy during the holidays. When you have legitimate reasons for being happy, reasons that would cause other people to be happy too, notice them! Allow them! Celebrate them! It's okay!
• Avoid bad company. Limit time with those who bring you down. Spend time with people who accept your full range of emotions and don't pressure you to feel a certain way. These special friends and favorite relatives will likely help your mood! Always avoid people who make you feel sad or bad about yourself.
• Make an effort to be more physically active, even if it's a 5-minute walk. It's one of the best ways to make yourself feel better. Exercise produces endorphins, mood-elevating chemicals, that our bodies create when we go for a walk, go to the gym, get out in the country, park far away from the store or office, try a new sport, or take on a project that calls for physical activity.
• Focus on one or two specific self-care goals per day. Get a cup of your favorite beverage. Get a pedicure. It could be as simple as cleaning out a closet or drawer or updating your calendar. The feeling that comes from completing tasks like this will add to your sense of well-being and self-respect.
• Even if you have a "healthy relationship" with alcohol, be cautious with it. While a drink or two may make you feel temporarily better, it is actually a depressant and will likely end up making you feel worse. If you are part of a recovery group, this is the time of year to go!
• Get regular sleep. No one copes very well when they are tired. A similar bedtime and waketime each day, even during the holidays, can go a long way for both children and adults. Seek professional help if you have continuing thoughts of hopelessness and despair.
• Be honest with your family members about your feelings. Sit down with your immediate family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don't set expectations too high for yourself or for the day itself. If you wish for things to be the same as they were before, you are going to be disappointed. Do things differently on purpose! Remember to undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably and initiate the changes so the plans aren't locked in without your input.
• Let your relatives know. Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family members will play during the holidays, let your relatives and friends know. Be as firm as you need to in order to get the message across. Time spent by yourself can also be rewarding. If you've never carved out time for yourself during the holidays, you might really enjoy the chance to watch the movie of your choosing or read a book with no time deadline.
• Set limitations because this won't be easy. Do the best you can, that's all any of us can do! Keep in mind the feelings of your children and/or close family members to the extent you are able. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them too.
• Baking goodies and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, do them! Just don't get so overtired that you can't enjoy the next day. There is nothing wrong with baking one or two of your favorite things or buying cookies at the store.
• There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about this.

This season represents a time of hope and reconciliation. I pray that you'll find hope and new life as you travel to the end of the year.

Those of us at Affair Recovery wish you a very Merry Christmas and Holiday Season!