Rebuilding Your Relationship after an Affair: Defense Mechanisms of the Unfaithful

For those of us who have been unfaithful, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit we sometimes lack motivation to pursue help and do the hard work necessary after an affair. We struggle in being honest with others, our partner or spouse, and even ourselves. To avoid owning all of the blame for our affair(s) we will employ 'defense mechanisms'. These defense mechanisms not only delay our individual and relational healing, they cause more damage to the betrayed party and undermine the entire repair effort. Today you'll hear Samuel interview frequent guest therapist, Amanda Asproni, and discuss how these defense mechanisms undermine the entire affair recovery process.

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Separation excuse

So how do I, the betrayed, handle his thinking that because he just left me a note, moved out and "separated " it was not an affair? Within 3 months he was sleeping with his married receptionist and then she moved in with him at 4 months. I would still see him, talk, but he never mentioned her. After 8 months I figured it out and confronted him. He admitted it. We got back together, she married another that she was also involved with, but he has not committed to getting help himself after almost 4 years. I'm at my wits end if we can ever truly get through this since I'm still stuck in the discovery process. He said he would join the boot camp with me but has yet to do it. I'm on day 2 by myself. What will make it click for him? He wants us to be together so I just don't get it! I'm completely frustrated and just want to move on or call it quits.

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