Signs That the Unfaithful Partner Is Unsafe in Affair Recovery Work

Are you a betrayed partner reeling from infidelity, looking for signs to see if your unfaithful mate is taking steps to be safe? Have you ever wondered about what the markers of safety in affair recovery might look like in the first place? There are signs to look for that not only create a sense of safety between partners, but make the painful but necessary recovery process that much easier to wade through. Today you'll hear Samuel speak first to you, the betrayed partner, as he lays out signs that your spouse or partner may be unsafe. Samuel will then offer important insight for the unfaithful to use as a guidepost as they help and support their mate, who is in crisis from betrayal trauma. The good news is, while there is no easy button or silver bullet, there is a better path to healing.

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I’ve heard it all !

Counselor #8 ! And still not safe. Shouldn’t my wife display remorse and expressions like you described after 23 years? When I accuse her of lying (for our entire marriage) and even as of last year she gets angry and tells the counselor “He calls me a liar”. Offended by the truth ! Never feeling so bad for lying to me, cheating, etc.. Shouldn’t it bother her deeply about lying instead of the “label”. Shouldn’t she be upset with the facts that she had lied, cheated, deceived, and conspired ? Shouldn’t it bother her that she knows I don’t believe and I don’t trust her STILL. Literally last week in counseling she said AGAIN “He makes me call it an affair”. “You wouldn’t wear your ring”,” You wouldn’t stay home” that’s why she did it. She calls it a “fling” and denies ANY emotions for feelings for him(s). And she’ll say I went through years of counseling, read books, got deeper into religion. To me it check the boxes. There have been significant other issues of betrayal MANY even as of this last year. Add more insult to my injuries the counselor says “Is any of this going on now ?”. Shutting me down giving her a pass as everyone else has. I’m the offender and she the victim. Concentrate on the here and now not the “past”. No one calls her out no one holds her accountable or challenges her. I’m the one that needs help as she has so concretely convinced other of. No follow up from counselors her parents or questions. Even the mother in law and allies no idea. The truth from her parents is still hidden. And I stand convicted and judged by my mother in law that it is I that have been the dysfunctional one and “My precious daughter” has had to live with our entire marriage with my dysfunctions-not hers, and it is I that have” Brainwashed” her and it seems though “He is surrounded by a legion of demons”.

No contact with AP- how about when there is a child from affair.

We are navigating difficult roads in our affair recovery process. I have a (wonderful) "step"child as a result of my husband's affair. The child lives with bio-mom and continued communication bt the bio parents is required due to nature of circumstances and coordinating visitation. AP moved several hours away so we only get to see child once a month. Per court orders for picking up on a Friday by 6pm (have to take day off from work) and we returning home by 2am. AP/bio mom picks up Sunday by 6pm from our home.... it takes coordination and communication. The AP treats me as though I am the mistress that did HER wrong and tore apart her "family". (I understand there are 2 sides to every story.... but she worked with my husband, knew me and our daughter and came to birthday parties and "according to spouse" was always understood to be a "friends w/bennies, no strings attached" agreement, etc).
There is a court-order for using a coparenting app, of which she complies very begrudgingly with bare minimum. She has also been texting my husband (on the side) with pictures of her and their child and daily tidbits in what I assume is an effort to maintain a relationship with my husband, all "in the name of the child".

She refuses to have anything to do with me and would not agree to all communication being between her and I, for the sake of the child.
Due to nature of addiction, this situation not allowing to cut-off contact with his AP, and heavy manipulation on APs part, (but also my husband's choices), there have been 2 betrayals (emotional affairs via secret texting with flirting/ sexting) since the original D-day 3 years ago.
Our lawyer has advised against blocking her phone number from his phone for emergency reasons, etc and said "just ignore the texts and only respond on the app".... but this has proven to not be a safe method as there is always curiosity regarding the health/safety of the child and once a message is read, it cannot be unread and often the seed of temptation has already been deposited. We are not sure what to do and have met very few couples in the same situation.... thr few we have encountered made the decision to cutoff contact with the child from the affair (and hence the AP), which is not something we are willing to do for the sake of our other children (who love their half-sib) and for sake of the child. BUT I do not feel safe in this situation and my spouse admits now that his best efforts for sobriety/recovery got us here (facing a repeat and 2nd betrayal after D-day, related to this AP).

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-D, Texas