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Why Couples Fail After an Affair | Part 2 - Not Getting It

Why Couples Fail After an Affair: A Four Part Series

Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened
Part 2: Not Getting It
Part 3: Denying Your Reality
Part 4: Failure to Grieve

Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples.

This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend delivers results month after month for countless couples.

During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist - all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand - as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start your healing journey.

A few years ago, I threw my back out. In my wife Stephanie's defense, this was the first time, and both of us were unaware of the seriousness. Stephanie had helped me get into bed, called the doctor, and made a run to the pharmacy to get some muscle relaxers. Apparently, the longer I lay in bed, the worse my back got, and when I finally decided to go to the bathroom, I found it almost impossible to get out of bed. Fortunately, I was able to use the nightstand, the door, and the countertop to hold myself up as I inched along. I was quite proud of myself for successfully making it to the bathroom, only to make a startling discovery: I couldn't get off the toilet. I yelled for help, but Stephanie was in the living room talking to a neighbor and was unable to hear me. Because she didn't get the seriousness of the situation, I ended up on the toilet for almost two hours.

You can imagine that when Stephanie finally came in to check on me, I was quick to let her know the seriousness of my condition and informed her that we now had a bigger problem since both of my legs were asleep. I look back on that day with amusement, but there is nothing funny about an unfaithful spouse failing to understand how their actions have affected their mate.

They Just Don't "Get It"

One of the primary reasons couples fail when dealing with infidelity is the unfaithful spouse not "getting it." Empathy is imperative when it comes to healing the wounds of betrayal. When the connecting bond is broken in a marriage, the betrayed spouse experiences something like a primal panic. It's as if someone had struck them in the chest and knocked all of their breath out. Initially, all they can think about is getting that next breath.

When first dealing with infidelity, the thought of placing themselves back in a situation where that wounding could occur again seems ludicrous. Yet, over time (if the unfaithful spouse shows remorse and is willing to do whatever it takes to one day be safe again) they might consider reconnecting. However, one very important step needs to occur before that can happen: the betrayed spouse needs to know that their mate understands the pain they are experiencing and that their spouse is grieved over what their actions have cost the betrayed. Anything short of that leaves the betrayed spouse wondering whether or not their mate really cares or even wants to care.

Early on, what we call the 'want-to variable' is vital. If they want to get it and want to get healthy, it will provide a safe foundation to slowly but surely move forward in hopes of eventual restoration. There are no guarantees in the pursuit of restoration; however, there are markers you hope to see if there is going to be forward momentum in the recovery process.

Why The Betrayed Spouse Keeps Bringing It Up

Until the betrayed spouse believes their unfaithful spouse "gets it," they experience an internal pressure to keep talking about it until their mate understands. Many unfaithful spouses interpret this behavior to be a tactic to shame them, torture them, or manipulate them. The betrayed spouse actually has the opposite intent: they continue to ask questions in an attempt to heal their wounds and to actually reconnect again. If the unfaithful spouse will accept responsibility for their self-centeredness and dysfunction early on, their spouse will feel safer earlier and begin to grieve.

Oddly enough, this grief will pave the way to begin the ultimate healing process.

Alternatively, though, when the unfaithful spouse remains hardened and self-centered, justifying their choices, the betrayed spouse is stuck and can't even imagine a healthy marriage. It just doesn't feel safe if their mate doesn't care enough to empathize with them and feel their pain. It also doesn't feel safe if the unfaithful spouse continues to refuse to talk about their choices or the impact of those choices on the heart and life of the betrayed spouse. It's human nature to want to know that we exist in our partner's mind, that we matter to them and that they will be there for us. After a betrayal, however, the hurt spouse no longer feels that they are present in their mate's mind. Only the emotional intimacy created through genuine empathy is capable of one day reestablishing that broken bond.

Unwilling To Process What Has Happened

Very often, I come across an unfaithful spouse who tells their mate to just get over it or says, "I don't want to keep talking about this anymore." And, while they may try to take responsibility for what they've done, their unwillingness to process what happened and their unwillingness to consider what their actions have cost their mate leaves their mate feeling paralyzed, unimportant, and unloved. In this type of situation, the unfaithful spouse communicates that their discomfort is more important than the pain their mate is experiencing as a result of their betrayal. There is hope for healing and reconciliation, but a willingness to try and understand the impact of the betrayal is essential. If you happen to be the unfaithful spouse, I'd encourage you to open your ears and to commit to the long haul of healing. Listen to your mate, and try to understand what your choices have cost your mate. Your willingness to put yourself in their shoes will go a long way in helping them know it's safe to reconnect with you.

While the thought of working through what may be years of hurt, pain and sorrow seems impossible, it doesn't have to be. EMS Weekend continues to prove itself as a safe alternative to the agony of what recovery looks like without a plan.

I hope you'll consider getting expert help for what you and your spouse are facing right now. After working with couples in crisis for over 30 years, I can assure you, it's not as hopeless as it seems.

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Submitted by mb on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 08:16

Must read

talking all night long

Submitted by Godcares on Mon, 09/20/2021 - 09:38

I'd like to learn why it's "not helpful" to talk all night long. My husband has insisted on staying up for hours and often all night long to get his questions answered for the past year. He usually can sleep in or get a nap the next day but I can't. Still we are both severely sleep deprived and I believe I'm having health issues because of it. Besides health issues and being less able to control emotions or think rationally, are there other reasons why you say "that's not helpful?

He is probably having panic attacks

Submitted by JCD23 (not verified) on Tue, 01/23/2024 - 10:55

As soon as the quiet of the night sets in, the panic attacks start. I did this for about two weeks and then my spouse told me to knock it off because he thought I could nap the next day (wrong) and he had to go to work (I know, he was the most important person always). For him it sounded reasonable to talk about it the next day, but during the daylight I could keep it suppressed and keep moving. In the quiet of the night I couldn’t. So I stopped waking him and had the attacks alone and slowly fell out of love. It would have been much more useful if he had let me wake him and then just held each other until we could both sleep, even if we didn’t talk.

Another Great Article

Submitted by Kimmi (not verified) on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 09:36

You explain very succinctly why, even though my husband does do some things that indicate he is remorseful, I feel no emotional connection to him. I don't feel he's safe because I have no evidence that he understands how he hurt our children and me. He has no idea what it takes to simply look at or live with him knowing all the ways in which he deceived, manipulated, and deliberately hurt me. For many weeks and months, I asked questions for the exact reason you state. I wanted to get the truth, I wanted him to face up to what he did and acknowledge the ways in which he hurt our family. I wanted to be able to heal from this and find some way to re-connect. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened and I'm very close to moving on.

I feel the same

Submitted by Karen58 on Fri, 03/28/2014 - 11:04

Kimmi, I feel the same. After 15 months post D-day, Harboring Hope, and EMSW, I STILL don't feel that he understands the damage that he has done. He even can't understand why he and his AP can't still be friends!!!! After all, they have worked together for almost 25 years and she "listens" to him. Everytime I look at him, I see her. She is always on the date with us or the dinner with us....I can't look at him without seeing her - the proverbial "elephant in the room -- but on the date". After his two emotional affairs with her, I fear a third one, and when I ask questions, I get verbal and sometimes (although rarely) even physical abuse.I have never gotten a face to face true apology, he gets mad and verbally abusive when we talk about it over 30 minutes, and i'm just getting weary of it all. I want peace in my life. I want her out of our marriage....if there is any marriage left to save. I, too, am having trouble with reconnection...I'm frightened of giving up my heart again and trusting and then having him go back to her yet again. He obviously has a strong connection to this woman to go back to her a second time. A third time is a real possibility. So I cannot allow myself to emotionally reconnect either. Too risky. So sad that after being high school sweethearts and being married almost 36 years , it has now come to this. Until I see some kind of real remorse, a real apology face to face instead of texting it to me, and real actions that indicate he is through with her for life and wants ME, then there will be no cracking that 6 inch thick cement wall that I erected around my heart. It's going to take a long time to break down that wall...if ever.

x

Submitted by kelsey smurthwaite (not verified) on Sat, 12/16/2023 - 23:30

what happened? did you move on?

Thanks rick

Submitted by btx612 on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 09:49

Great article, this is such a vital component for the healing process of the betrayed for the current relationship or one in the future. After attending EMS and trying to work through my ex-wifes infidelity for several months, she couldn't leave her AP and decided to leave the marriage. Despite all the professional help that we received and the effort that I put in to work through it, she was unable to understand the pain that she inflicted through her selfish actions. This was even more apparent to me after we met to sign some of the final papers and she showed up WITH her AP. I'm so sad for her and I hope she is able to heal from the wounds she has experienced in a timely manner to get back on the right track. If you are the unfaithful and you want and deeply believe that you are called to be with your current spouse, then terminate all contact with your A to have a fighting chance at healing together. If you don't feel that way, then be an adult and own it, quit inflicting the pain and leave your spouse to let them heal on their own. It's one or the other, anything else is selfish and inhumane. Rick you are AWESOME... Thank you for the help during this devastating time.... you are a blessing.

So on target

Submitted by cyn on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 10:02

It has been 5 years and I still judge myself that I am not letting go and haven't forgiven. When reading this article though, it hit the nail on the head. I don't believe my h gets the damage. He hasn't aided in my healing process and refuses to participate in the forgiveness process. He has said that he believes I am trying to shame him and gets furious with me and that is not my intent. I am trying to come to a resolution in my own mind but because my h doesn't provide safety and that he gets it I have fear about fully giving myself to the relationship again. You have articulated perfectly what I have been unable to. Thank you.

The whole crux of the matter

Submitted by carol on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 16:24

Hi Rick:
Yes, you have eloquently expressed the basic issue which is at the heart of every healing journey after infidelity. I wish someone would film a PR spot about the devastation of adultery, not only to the spouse, but to families, communities, and society at large. Lack of awareness and empathy on the part of the spouse who betrayed are the two biggest obstacles to healing. Over the past four years, my husband and I have had to struggle with this very problem. He finally "gets it" now, but it was a long time coming, and sometimes, we still have to revisit it. It has taken courage, patience, and a tremendous amount of consciousness-raising on both our parts to recover from what should have been the "swan song" of our 30+ year marriage (ie the discovery of my husband's 10 year affair, and over the next year learning about many other betrayals over the course of our marriage). Only through thousands of hours of mutual honest reflection and tremendous motivation, plus articles such as yours to validate what I was feeling, were we able to move forward. One technique I found helpful was the use of analogies that my husband could instantly understand, e.g. when he said something like "Oh, that one phone call to [my AP] during our anniversary trip was hardly enough to ruin the whole memory for you" - I would respond "That's like saying 'Oh, someone ripped a small hole in Mona Lisa's eye - hardly enough to ruin the whole painting!" He got that. Another - I would ask him if he ever would consider slapping me, punching me, or stabbing me multiple times in the back. He was horrified I would even bring up such a thing. Then I gently expressed that what he did was the emotional equivalent. I think this analogy hit him hard in the gut, and he began to "get" my pain. But as I said, it's taken thousands of hours of talking things through. I feel for all the wives and husbands out there whose unfaithful spouses are reluctant to talk about it genuinely and honestly. Again, thanks for your wonderful article, Rick. It's sorely needed.

Thanks

Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 03/01/2014 - 20:07

Your analogies are excellent. Thanks so much.

How long is too long

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 18:39

Even I am sick of hearing myself repeat the same requests, in different words, over and over. It has been about a year since d-day and I still do not feel that he "gets it." I have stopped explaining. He does not want to live in the past, talk about the past or explore any part of anything uncomfortable.

After an exceptionally brief and to the point summary of the affair, he was done volunteering information. If I asked questions, he would answer with as little comment as possible; most times yes or no. I would make guesses based on the small tidbits and ask more questions with short responses. And so it continued for a little while until I ran out of questions.

Since then, I have been focusing on making myself a better communicator and creating a relationship safe for opening up. Every once in a while I will ask for further discussion. The response is either, "ask me questions and I will answer" or (with a sigh and eyeroll) "I have told you everything already."

The trickle of information and lack of participation has left me feeling unsafe. It still feels like a hidden part of his past. Even though I was there, I was not and feel I will never be part of that time in his life. He treats it like a square - OW, AP, husband, wife - except he is trying to be two corners; not possible. It can only work as the triangle it was and he has to merge the two parts he played. If he can not come to terms with it, how can I?

It leaves me wondering if he is going to share what he considers uncomfortable information in the future. There is the idea that he will just keep me in the dark again until I find out for myself, once again. He does not realize that sharing would hurt me so much less than anything he told me. It would actually go a very long way to helping restore trust and the bond we once had.

Deliberately was ran over

Submitted by LA on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 19:37

"When the connecting bond is broken in a marriage, the betrayed spouse experiences something like a primal panic. It’s as if someone had struck them in the chest..."
I felt like I had been deliberately ran over (struck) by my husband. He plotted, lied, and struck me while I was not paying attention. Instead of helping me, my husband started ranting and blaming me for his choices. He then proceeded to tell me that I could not talk about how much I had been hurt, that I could not ask him questions because it made him feel "bad." After finding out, I was in shock. Who expects the victim that is laying on the floor to be considerate to their "attacker," is unnatural, we are in self-preservation mode. We are in need. We need reassurance that we are safe. I got all the love and support that I needed from family and friends.They held me while I cried, they were the ones I called when I was bombarded with triggers, I bonded deeper with them because of this crisis. I think if my husband had been willing to be there for me our marriage could have survived this affair, but my husband's inability to help me feel safe has made his presence obsolete in my life. He dismissed opportunities to show compassion for my pain and improve our relationship.

Thanks Rick

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 22:15

Thank you so much for an encouraging word of Hope. I unforunately was unfaithful to my dear wife many times over the short years we have been together and married. I never got why she would always ask the seemingly same questions over and over. I started to before i read this article, but somehow this article just made it that much more clear. I have always wanted to be open and help the healing of our marriage, but sometimes it was hard and sometimes it still is. Though each time I read another article of yours I feel new inspiration to push forward and keeping going, for my wife, for our son, our marriage and us as a couple.
I know so many times when my wife has tried to talk to me I've gotten that exact way, shut off and defensive. I have to say to any that betrayed a love one, it may seem like the best course of action to protect yourself, but it is NOT. When it happens step back and think about the extreme pain that your betrayed spouse must be feeling, than looking again at your own pain of embrassment or whatever. It should show you that your temporary embrassment is nothing to the pain you cause your spouse. So than let the truth flow and open up to your spouse. It is easier said than done, but when you do, it makes the healing that much easier for both of you. You will also feel much better about it after. Society has made us feel like men cant make emotions, but excuse my language, that is bullshit. A real man is not afraid to show emotion be it fear, tears, sadness or whatever else. Your spouse wants to fix it with you so make it easier on both of you and open up to them. I did it and it still hard sometimes and i want to shut off but i force forward and keep open and it has made it so much easier.
Thanks again Rick

Spot on

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 04/13/2016 - 13:05

Thank you Rick. This is where I found myself. I am the betrayed spouse totally committed to working forward on our marriage. My unfaithful husband has been wonderful and has done all the steps to partner with me on this. It wasn't until I read this article that I realized that I was backsliding in my recovery because of this very subject. In addition, the Anonymous writer here wrote such words of humility and transparency that helps. Man! Thank you both!!!

Great article again, I

Submitted by Sharron on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 07:51

Great article again, I identify completely, have told my Husband so many times that I don't think he gets it at all. We do not talk, he thinks it is useless and frustrating for us to discuss the "most awful things" he has done. He said I like making a bigger thing out of it than it was, and that I am unforgiving. He feels there is nothing to be gained by talking about the past so if we talk, it should be about now & the future rather than dwell on the past which he tells me is gone and you can't do anything about it anyway. These are his exact words, along with telling me that I must enjoy wallowing in my misery.
At this point 3 years from DDay and 25+ from infidelities we have a compatible home life , zero intimacy. I stay because I don't know what else to do after spending my life with him. I don't know if I could ever feel love or passion, or even excitement again for him, but as a Christian I can love him in a bigger way. I try to be kind and caring and honest.

Very helpful

Submitted by Athena on Mon, 03/03/2014 - 19:52

I am in a similar situation! It was very inspiring to me to read your reply even though our issues are on a much smaller scale than yours(we are only a few short months from his infidelities, and 2 years from mine) My husband also doesn't quite, "get it," but we do love each other, and we are making our lives compatible for the children we have in common, but there is a certain level of disconnect between us. I hope you can find some happiness.
Hugs to you.

Disconnection after infidelity

Submitted by Sharron on Fri, 03/07/2014 - 06:35

I was glad that you could say you both still love each other, I think that is key to recovery. In our situation we have commitment to our vows as the thread holding us together. Not quite the same but at least we do have something. Hugs to you also

How to communicate this to my spouse?

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 09:52

This article is exactly on target. How can I communicate this is how I feel without just coming out and saying it? Should I just forward he this posting and say, "this is where I am"? Although it's been over a year and I have forgiven her the affair, it is STILL very painful and triggers abound everywhere. In the midst of the pain I often withdraw and then she asks me what's wrong and I have to lie because if I tell her the truth then she says I am just throwing her past failure back in her face to hurt her. So, I suck it up and act like everything is "OK" and die a little more. What can I do?

Continue to amaze us! Great Article!

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 10:32

Recently, we have had a set back at a place of "not the whole truth". No affair just a place where an agreement wasn't met and we have not been able to fully get back to where we were at before this and after our EMS weekend. Part of the reason for this is from him shutting down and not talking or answering questions again.
I know, or I hope we find our way back and beyond where we hope to be. Every time we visit with someone it seems the shame diminishes and we get better.
Our hope in in the Lord and what the Lord has brought us through you Rick and your ministry. Our children now say, "it's Tuesday aren't you guys getting on call" or "we can't do that Tuesday night you guys have call". LOVE IT!!! What your children teach you.:)
Thank you for everything you've done.

So true and so thankful

Submitted by MS on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 15:47

It was exactly 5 years ago this month that I had my day of discovery of my husbands affair. I thank God daily that my husband was willing to own up to the affair and work to restore our marriage. The first several months I was full of questions which he answered as best as he could. We were in couples therapy and he was in individual therapy. And he was willing to do that which was HUGE! He is a flirt and gregarious which never amounted to anything until this one particular woman came into the picture. My h had a lot to learn about boundaries and how they could be misinterpreted. There was a relapses with another woman 2 years later which I found out about immediately. This time he got defensive about the emails but when he was shown how his words could be misinterpreted, I think he finally got it. Like I said it has been five years from discovery and we are in a good place. At times I think it was only a horrible nightmare and not reality. Couples can recover if both parties are up to confessing and forgiving and learning from the experience.

Thank you

Submitted by vt2000 on Mon, 04/21/2014 - 14:16

It gives me hope that things are going ok for you. We are only one month into this hell and it is hard to have hope.

Wow I agree and dis agree

Submitted by dfulcher on Mon, 03/03/2014 - 16:06

Wow I agree and dis agree with this. I disagree with the premis that the actions of one person is need for the healing of another personly I feel to many people combine healing after infidelity but there is 3 healings that have to take place the hurt spouse personaly the unfaithful spouse and the marriage. For the hurt spouse to heal they need to first be able to forgive past present and future I know this sounds crazy but it is imortant again using the terms from EMSO I am talking vertical forgiveness the point is you are working to heal yourself to help get over the pain if we shift our focuse to how God see's us and not a sinful spouse and can draw on that to heal you will do it much faster and more completely because it is not dependent on a flawed spouse to do so. The healing of the marriage will take the actions of the other spouse but if you have found healing through Christ then you are better able to look at your unfaithfull spouse in a more honest light with far less bitterness and more hope than when you are still hurting and feel alone. And I speak this from personal expearance because healed this way I did not depend on my wife's behaivor to heal she struggles with the consept of empathy she was not going to be of much help but again it was my personal healing that was needed so I learned to forgive her past, present and future that done I was able to release all that pain andself dout and everything else that overcame me with the finding out of what had happened. Once I was able to look at my self as a child of God and not just her husband I was able to rebuild my self image and worth which went a long way to be able to then look at my wife as who she realy is and not for what she had done which also speed up the rebuilding of our marriage. I think she still has healing to do with in her self but our marriage is better now than it may have ever been and that has been possible because I was able to find healing through Christ and not bedependent on my wife.
David

Heal union with flawed spouse who's happy to stay that way?

Submitted by trying to recon... (not verified) on Fri, 06/26/2015 - 10:51

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I think I 'get' the process you describe and how you have changed your focus to building yourself a safer life by looking vertically for guidance, wisdom trusting in God. I try, but when it comes back down to day to day life and being able to feel trust and safety within my partnership with my spouse and reconnect with someone who doesn't "get it" and who shows litter remorse, empathy or understanding of what I am feeling and struggling with......It doesn't work for me. I have grown stronger with Gods help and in many ways because of looking vertically grown farther away and more different than my spouse. I try to return time and time again to the belief that God does not want me to look only to my Man as a source of safety and secure haven in the storms of life.....And have to struggle with the question of 'does God really want me to go through the rest of my life this alone?" Yes, I know He is there for me. Yet, I don't get the feeling that my spouse ever be...any more than he was through our past and his betrayals. That is not the way I want to continue to live. So, I have to ask God, is this it? I get to grow old and learn a lot waiting for a spouse who doesn't (or not on same time line, and its 5 years after discovering 2 affairs)...what's next?, continue praying for my spouse, waiting well, continue living in an unsafe relationship?

David you may be right

Submitted by Jeff22222222 (not verified) on Fri, 10/03/2014 - 12:38

Hey David just found out 2 mouths ago wife was with coworker. She won't all the way admit it. But I know she is sorry and is trying. She does want to be with me forever and I can tell she is sick she did whst she did. However she to has hard time showing this and just shuts down if I talk about it. What you say is right in my eyes you your self has to come to peace, I do trust now that it's over, she is sorry. I'm just trying to come to peace of it. It hard.

Thankyou!

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 06/26/2015 - 13:43

For the first time in nearly two years I feel that someone actually cares. Thankyou for writing this article, it's exacy what I have tried and failed to explain atleast 100 times. I don't have much hope for us, but I finally have now have some hope for me. Thankyou!

What if the unfaithful spouse needs empathy

Submitted by Gracefilled (not verified) on Thu, 02/04/2016 - 07:06

I found this article when searching for "empathy for spouse leaving affair." My husband of 18 years had a two-year affair with a coworker. She became pregnant during the affair, the child was born, and he was proven the father. We separated for a couple of months because he wasn't sure what he wanted, but he finally came home to me and our children. I have forgiven him. However, the marriage is stuck because he is racked with guilt and shame. She was supposed to be on birth control but claims it failed so he feels that he forced her be a single mother (by choosing me). He has been back with me for 18 months now, but our marriage is still really dysfunctional. He says no one knows how he feels and he just wants to be supported for his loss. I have been trying to show him empathy but he says he can't believe it's genuine. Yet he has no one to support him. His family hates what he did. His friends aren't very empathetic either. In the meantime, my wounds are not tended to at all. He says he has nothing to give me because he is so empty inside. He misses the other woman and child, and believes he is a terrible person. I have told him I know that he did not mean for anyone to get hurt by the affair, especially not an innocent child, but he says that's logical but does not address his emotions. He wants me to tolerate the "stuck" marriage because that would show I was empathizing with his pain, loss, grief. He says he doesn't know if he'll ever get over it, for the rest of his life. He is so shame-filled and stuck, we are more disconnected than ever. He can't even give me a real kiss. He says it feels like a betrayal to her. I don't know what to do.

Getting ongoing help

Submitted by mark on Wed, 08/16/2017 - 13:41

My wife and I just finished the online 13 week course.
Unfortunately we had another D-day 9 weeks into the course and I am having a lot of trouble moving forward now.
How do we find a counselor who is well versed in Affair Recovery?
We live in north San Diego area.
Please help.

How do you show understanding?

Submitted by queenz on Wed, 08/16/2017 - 13:51

This is so true and I've seen the need my husband has for me to understand and be empathetic. It's taken a loooong time for me to be bale to listen to his pain without breaking down in crying and begging spells. Besides listening to his pain and responding with "you're right" or "I;m so sorry I did that to you" how else can the betraying spouse show empathy and understanding?

Empathy

Submitted by michelle on Wed, 08/16/2017 - 18:17

You can show empathy by listening, reflecting back what you heard and asking questions about their pain. "Is there more about that? Can you explain more about that? How are you today? Do you need me to listen? I'm interested in what you are going through. Etc"

Exactly how I feel

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 08/16/2017 - 14:52

I found out about my husband's affair two years after it began. It's been another two years. He finally ended the affair and in that time of separations I thought I had healed. Now as he really is empathetic I am the one with constant fears and insecurities. We had this discussion just today how I need to feel safe because of his reluctance to end it I can't believe he's real now though his actions I see prove other wise...i really do feel stuck.

Betrayed spouse

Submitted by GINA on Thu, 08/17/2017 - 17:03

I too have been lied to for 30 years. I accused him 30 years ago he lied and said I was crazy. He continued to lie, cheat, look at porn, made me think I was crazy, there was a lot more and several women and he thinks I can just get over it. If I try to talk to him he gets pissed n we end up fudging n yelling . Been to therapy and just the other week caught him in a lie and he denied it. Why why why?????

Wife dennies multiple affairs

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 11/16/2017 - 17:08

Can anyone help me please. My wife and I have been married for 21yrs. The last 4yrs I have caught her in multiple affairs and continues to deny any of them and she is still in multiple affairs. In

Hopelessness

Submitted by Marlee (not verified) on Sat, 08/19/2017 - 11:21

My husband refuses to talk about anything. How he is feeling, his affair, my pain, our future. We were going to marriage counseling and he would talk there but he won't go anymore. I have been sending him this column but he won't talk about that either. I feel very stuck.

No longer feel safe

Submitted by Not Disclosed (not verified) on Mon, 08/21/2017 - 12:16

This article is right on point. It's been a year and a half and although I believe the affair was over when I first found out, he has not done anything to make me feel safe. His decisions thereafter has left me to feel alone and not his top priority. I hung on to the belief that things would improve, but I slowly begin to see that he was really focused on how things were perceived toward him and his family. Yes the family. So while we still talk (as we are living apart), I have no expectations anymore. I have learned when it comes to him and his families decisions, I don't stand a chance
I can't move forward when he can't admit that a lot of people made some bad decisions AND he is NOT supportive of those decisions. .

So True

Submitted by Bimps (not verified) on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 13:30

My hubby has had what I will term one barely physical affair and a long lasting emotional affair.

The more painful one is the emotional affair. He introduced the woman to our home and made her out as a friend.

We are trying to work at our marriage but it's difficult because he just doesn't 'get it'. I've told him he has more empathy for his AP than for me.

I was really upset recently when he kept saying "we" to refer to how he and his AP had tried to move past the forbidden state. I told him to stop selling her to me, she chose to resolve her marital issues the same way he chose to do. I have zero business with her.

We're still a far way to go and I honestly do not feel safe just yet. Words and actions don't match.

I'm going to do all I can to protect myself; I'm not ready for a roller coaster ride with someone who does not see the need to totally break off all communication. They no longer work together but have mutual friends and based on this he feels he can only take steps to limit his association with her.

Only time will tell

Not sure how long to HOPE that he gets it!

Submitted by robyn0325 on Fri, 01/12/2018 - 00:31

I relate to this completely!!!!! It has been 3.5 years after D-day. We did EMSO a few months after we blew up. We have done a few other things as well. My husband participated fully. We had about a year of trickle truth. He has modified his behavior (stopped watching porn) and is no longer in contact with his affair partner. But there are so many questions that he has no answer for... and the biggest concern is that he has had no brokenness - he only shed tears over the AP - there are no feelings that he can articulate about the pain he has caused me, our kids, or even any remorse over his "Christian witness" and the perverted gospel he was presenting to his affair partner. The relationship started as he was online evangelizing and eventually led him to expressing Jesus's love to her in her bed. I have been committed to forgiving since day one. I want to forgive unconditionally - but his lack of remorse... and his inability to see what he did... scares me.

The man

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 08/14/2018 - 08:16

So am I supposed to go in to detail about what happened? I’m trying to understand. I’m very sorry for what I did , I just don’t see how details are going to help. Please help!!!!

It's not about the details

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 09/07/2018 - 12:40

It's not about revealing details, that will probably hurt your partner more than anything else. It's about actually listening to her and understanding what your actions cost her. It's about feeling guilt and remorse and actually expressing it to her. - Coming from a guy who was cheated on recently and is hoping his ex-fiancee will understand this text

Moving on

Submitted by j78 on Fri, 05/31/2019 - 08:42

After finding out my spouce had had an ongoing affair with one of her work colleagues, we managed to move on through it. But when we were finally able to "I guess" start dating again I found it was very much in the same manner as WE were before. Am wrong to be SAD, UPSET, ANNOYED that things are the same? I feel as if some other man had the best of my wife while just get the real life.

Not getting it

Submitted by awakened on Thu, 09/05/2019 - 10:52

Thank you so much for this article. I’m desperate for answers and I feel like I’m grasping to any sense of hope. My husband of 25 yrs was involved in an emotional affair for 7 yrs. we have 3 children, youngest 7 years old. We decided to try to make our marriage work. It’s going on 2 yrs since dday and 8 months since the last disclosure. I struggle with moving forward and I feel it’s because my husband shows no empathy when answering any of my questions. He says because he feels like I’m attacking him. I personally don’t think that’s true because his manner in answering has been the same, since day 1, he’s always answered so coldly. Is this normal? Will he ever show any hurt knowing his answers are hurtful to me?

lack of empathy

Submitted by Sue Bell (not verified) on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 17:22

Once again thank you. Now I get it - why I keep acting the way I do and not feeling safe getting close to my husband or talking to him about much of anything. I realize now that our counselor was trying very hard to get my husband to understand. She expressed how hurting I was, had me write and read an impact letter, that was met with resistance. My husband is continuing some of his solo activity, and I have stopped couples counseling. I am stuck.

Lack of empathy

Submitted by EDC (not verified) on Thu, 03/05/2020 - 12:58

Wow! Thank you so much for clarity and insight into the situation that I have been dealing with! To say that the unfaithful doesn’t get it is so on point. I have been dealing with this matter for a couple of years and this lack of empathy insight is 100%Accurate! It discusses the thing I have been feeling, and the very things she have been saying. We would basically end up being frustrated and not continuing the conversation or The conversation would get so heated that we had to stop. Usually when I talk to my wife because she was the unfaithful, I feel as though she would divert from the question or pick a issue in the marriage as the focal point. Ultimately not discussing what the real issues are. This article Has enlightened and blessed me to understand the reason why I kept asking question. Because I need the conversation and to heal in this matter so we can build trust and communication again. It’s been three years now and it has gotten better, however there still some unresolved things present. I still be watching over my back and not filling totally safe. I believe it’s because of the non empathy!

Lack of empathy

Submitted by Kathryn on Thu, 03/05/2020 - 13:08

I'm in the same boat. I discovered my husband's affair over two years ago and haven't been able to move on because I don't feel secure in my marriage. I don't think my husband is continuing any affairs, but he fails to empathize with my hurt and doesn't seem to understand why I am withdrawn at times. His inability to understand how much this has hurt me feels like a slap in the face following a punch in the gut (the affair). My therapist says that if he could convey empathy, try to understand my experience and get individual therapy for his excessive need for attention, then recovery would be easier. I will ask for this once again, but if it doesn't happen, then I feel I've done all I can do and must move on in my own interests.

What should this look like

Submitted by medic.david on Mon, 03/09/2020 - 11:21

My wife keeps telling me we need to repair the past, I want to move forward and I know I screwed up and let an addiction run my life. I've never been good with empathy though I'm trying to work on it even though I have a tough time talking about my feelings. What should these short conversations consist of... the details of my past are out, though she brings up the same questions when she gets upset. Says I'm not understanding what I did, I've told her over and over I know I hurt her in numerous ways, and again want to go forward and push past the past. Any help is appreciated.

How do I get him to believe me?

Submitted by am452 on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 21:17

My BS does just this, he keeps asking me the same thing over and over again because he doesn't believe my answer. I don't know what to tell him anymore, I want to move forward. He keeps trying to dig and dig and cannot accept my answer to his question. I was defensive for a very long time and haven't really started taking responsibility for my affair until recently. He asked me what he had done to deserve my affair and my behavior and I told him nothing, I know that I broke us and hurt our family.

Resentment

Submitted by TheBoxars on Thu, 05/20/2021 - 23:02

My husband said he acknowledged how his infidelity had hurt me but I could feel he didn't truly understand, a few months after he said that looking back he didn't truly understand, I still want convinced but didn't tell him what I felt, 6 mo later he officially apologized and said now he understood. But in all honesty after certain Comments I still struggle with believing he dies understand the depth of anguish this has caused. Ivtold him that the lies and denial added so much hurt and its he promised to be up front with his future struggles, that we could probably get on a good road to recovery. Ater going to get help, and seeming to be on the right track I believe God gave me an inclination to look out of nowhere. I found new evidence, screen shot it, and I decided to ask him if he has been doing well or if he has stumbled at all...he denied it 3 times until I showed him I had proof. After the initial breakdown I haven't felt emotionally married. My heart doesnt feel taken anymore. I feel like my heart is divorced and that is very heavy and hard to acknowledge. But I can't get over the resentment and anger right below the surface when I spend time or think of my husband. My brain treats him how a wild animal circles its counterpart sizing him up and waiting for signs of what direction hey will attack from next. I have two toddler boys with him and he's a great father, but the bitterness is eating me alive and seeping into my core. If I could grieve maybe I could let it all out, but I feel my grief is locked in a cage until I know its safe to heal, until I know if I do forgive him, he won't ever hurt or lie to me again...but I don't know that. He hasn't shown me that and he is tired of me holding on to my anger. I feel lost and I feel I am robbing my sons of the mom they deserve

Resentment

Submitted by Feeling For You (not verified) on Wed, 08/04/2021 - 05:50

Hello. I’m really sorry for what you are going through with your family. From my own experience, infidelity impacts the whole family. Both of my children have been affected by what happened in my marriage years ago. Today they say that they don’t want to get married or have kids. Their view on marriage has been tainted to say the least. I understand your resentment towards your spouse. My spouse also continued contact with the AP after saying it stopped. My resentment came from the highest level of disappointment. Disappointed that how I thought marriage was going to be….ultimately wasn’t the reality. My dreams were destroyed because the person I trusted as a life partner stabbed me in the back in the worst way possible. That is a pain like no other. I get you. Coming back from that is a long process. This is what I have done to get through. Leaned and trusted in God. Many times I cried my heart out to him because I didn’t feel safe doing that with my spouse. That was such an important release. I understood that no person is perfect and we are all fundamentally flawed…including me and my spouse. The rose coloured glasses came off so to speak. I cannot control the actions of another person. My job is control my own and protect my kids. I stayed in my marriage but developed an independent attachment from my spouse. No longer did I want to be dependent on someone else to define my worth. God is where my identity is and always will be. I encourage you to pick up a bible and start to read a little at a time. Try the book of John. Let your husband be. He is now in God’s hands…not yours. However, it would also be completely acceptable to leave if he doesn’t change over time. You are also not a doormat.
All the best. Take care.

Spot on

Submitted by Rachael Newday (not verified) on Wed, 06/01/2022 - 10:39

We failed to recover from my husband’s affair. I tried(never really felt like he tried) for 14 months. During that 14 months, I never got a full disclosure, in fact there were several big trickle truths that came out which every time felt like we were starting over.

My spouse did the HFH, but I honestly think he wasn’t ready to receive the message. I never in the 14 months saw empathy or remorse. I saw a lot of shame and regret. I never feel like he came out of shame and I would guess that he is still very much stuck in the shame cycle in other areas of his life. He was never willing to do what it took. He never would say what his affair meant to him and remained in denial about how his affair affected his decision making, feelings about the affair partner. He chose to remain in denial and that was a really huge barrier.

The best thing that happened was when he announced he would be managing his affair partner about a year post discovery. He didn’t discuss this or want to discuss this prior to accepting the job with our “therapist” or his HFH group….further demonstrating that he was comfortable with staying in denial and not accepting responsibility for what he did. He had no plan for boundaries, and because of his lack of a plan for boundaries, it felt like he didn’t care what he did, so I asked him to leave. I realized that continuing to solely fight for our marriage would likely lead down a dark path of codependency, so I asked him to leave. He filed for divorce which has been finalized. I haven’t heard from him since.

I am in the exact situation

Submitted by Jenny 623 (not verified) on Wed, 06/01/2022 - 11:24

I am in the exact situation after 5 years! I am down the dark path of codependency.

Same for me

Submitted by Carrietoo (not verified) on Wed, 06/01/2022 - 12:54

But 4 yrs later. At least you figured it out sooner. I have wasted my time. He will never “get it” he is stuck on his shame. It’s as if he is the victim. I don’t bring it up often and even less the last few yrs because I feel like why bother any more? He doesn’t care about me but only himself. When I was bringing it up more I would even try to explain I’m not even mentioning this as much as it is coming up inside my head or as often as I even cry over it. I’m not even bring it up half of those times that it punches me in the face. He can’t hear me because he thinks I do it on purpose to cause him pain??? Again he is the victim apparently. If I can’t talk through it with him and he doesn’t “see me” then there is no relationship. I kept giving him time to try and “get it” and for him to work through his “stuff” but it will never be my turn and I don’t think he ever will understand. I have begged him to read books and articles and YouTube and blogs to understand what this is like for me what I go through but he refuses. Im guessing because again the shame or guilt is in the way. It will never be about me it’s always about him. 4 yrs later and no real healing from this other then coming to terms that the marriage is over. I am alone. If I’m alone then the marriage is over. I question now if there ever even was one. And his shame is telling him oh well I deserve for her to leave finally. But I never deserved him to fight to save the marriage? He never fought and that makes me feel worthless and he will never understand any of it.

They Just Don't "Get It"

Why The Betrayed Spouse Keeps Bringing It Up

Unwilling To Process What Has Happened

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