We failed to recover from my husband’s affair. I tried(never really felt like he tried) for 14 months. During that 14 months, I never got a full disclosure, in fact there were several big trickle truths that came out which every time felt like we were starting over.

My spouse did the HFH, but I honestly think he wasn’t ready to receive the message. I never in the 14 months saw empathy or remorse. I saw a lot of shame and regret. I never feel like he came out of shame and I would guess that he is still very much stuck in the shame cycle in other areas of his life. He was never willing to do what it took. He never would say what his affair meant to him and remained in denial about how his affair affected his decision making, feelings about the affair partner. He chose to remain in denial and that was a really huge barrier.

The best thing that happened was when he announced he would be managing his affair partner about a year post discovery. He didn’t discuss this or want to discuss this prior to accepting the job with our “therapist” or his HFH group….further demonstrating that he was comfortable with staying in denial and not accepting responsibility for what he did. He had no plan for boundaries, and because of his lack of a plan for boundaries, it felt like he didn’t care what he did, so I asked him to leave. I realized that continuing to solely fight for our marriage would likely lead down a dark path of codependency, so I asked him to leave. He filed for divorce which has been finalized. I haven’t heard from him since.

Wayne I watched the video on spouses not getting it. We are already 4 years past the confession date and I still hate him so much I cannot open up to any idea of reconciliation. He has told me what happened physically but will not engage in any conversation after that to try and make it better. As he is 85 now I still continue to look after him because he has heart problems but my heart is closed. We were married 59 years when he finally confessed.

It has been almost 5 years since my husband's affair. I am still trying to recover. I feel so stuck. He lied about the details of the affair, trickled information, got angry when I questioned him, intimidated me and has told me numerous times to "get over it." To this day the only information I have about the affair is information I got from doing my own detective work. I became obsessed because he would tell me one thing and I would find out it was a lie and needed to investigate. This behavior caused me C-PTSD. At this point I feel I will never be able to heal.

My husband has/had a sex addiction. We’ve been together almost 5 years, married 2.5 years. 2 months after getting married, I stumbled onto pictures, videos, etc. we had a huge blow out. He swore it was nothing…but our priest made him put Ever Accountable on his phone. With that he was forced to stop but it wasn’t till about a year ago that I discovered just how bad it was, including being with other women. He has never been honest, only owned up to things I discovered but continued to lie about other things he did. I’m having a very difficult time believing this time he’s been 100% honest and open. I seem to be stuck. I want to believe he’s not doing anything anymore. Sometimes I feel obsessed with knowing the REAL truth. We’ve tried some of the exercises y’all suggest. Even since then, I found he wasn’t completely honest. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Gets very angry when I need to talk. Not sure what to do. I know he won’t do a program.

I am so glad to have read the comments from you ladies. I am in the same boat! 37 years of marriage, 4 years since d-day and separation, 1 year into divorce proceedings (his wish, not mine).
He never got it. Refused to seek counseling. Blame, denial, hiding, more lies always. Didn't want to repair, no remorse. I too have become co-dependent my therapist says,
as I enabled him by letting him act the way he did. I have also become a detective, finding out much through searching on my own.
He has not spoken to his adult daughter for the entire four years over this (her wish) but has not fought for her nor me.
He has continued his destructive behaviors to include drugs, alcohol, porn, women. He even moved in with his girlfriend, even though we are still married and she practices witchcraft and paganism (verified).
Affair Recovery-Can you please see that women like us (men too) NEED a program for us, the ones that don't get to recover with our spouses.
The ones that the spouse is not willing to work on it. The ones that our marriage is not being saved. We need support too.We are hurting just as much except we are left with no spouse willing to care or fix things. Ladies, I get it, I am sorry, I have lived it too. We don't deserve to be dumped on and then left to feel like we did the damage.

Not unlike the other respondents; my wife does not get ‘it’. We’d be poster-kids if anyone would care to see how to not to reconcile. I’m sure I wasn’t easy to be around. But she chose and manipulated her affair to happen. I dug like a badger to uncover it. When faced with my charges her unsuccessful denial began. She still thinks saying sorry and asking for forgiveness is enough. It was/is her nature to compartmentalize; box it up and shelve it. She trickled out info over years just to not open the box. I’d rather have the box explode open rather than drip acid for years. It’s destroyed any trust I’m supposed to have. I love her but don’t trust her. I stayed in the marriage (5%) cause of my fear of contaminating my kids lives. The biggest reason (90%) is this is a 3 way agreement with God. I’m not backing down from my agreement with HIM. No I’m not a martyr. I don’t want to alienate myself from God any worse than I am today. She won’t change... after 5-6 years you get numb to it. There isn’t a day when it doesn’t pop up somewhere. In her life it’s over so move on. But they, the unfaithful, never get it. This is an area where affair recovery needs to improve. Less lectures from the unfaithful who don’t have a clue as to the burden of pain the betrayed go through. Ya all gots some decent tools. But if the spouse denies and clams up you all have zip. God bless you faithful spouses to fight through the pain and broken hearts. Fight for yourself.

On December 31, 2021 I was faced with the solid evidence that my wife of 25 years was having an affair. Over the course of 4 months she left the house and continued to deny everything she even continued to talk and meet with the individual -- thinking I had no solid evidence she told her family I was an insecure individual (including our children) and that I was making everything up. On my 50th birthday she came back into town and into our home. I had personally forgiven her from day one (as I had been unfaithful to her and was able to fully empathize through her personal pain). Now a year into it and she does not understand the pain I'm in... she tells me to "move on" and most recently called me a "cry baby". I think that was really the culmination of what I feel is her personal self-centered thinking (lack of empathy) that will not allow us to come out on the other side. I also see her thinking as "this is what I personally experienced so this is what you're going to get" mentality.
I have come to realize she is no longer the same person I fell in love with (she is filled with hate and I'm sure denial) and have decided that I must move on for my personal (and my children's (19,22) mental health. I've tried to send her literature on my feelings but she tells me she will not read anything. This video highlights everything that is happening to me internally and have come to realize that it was her decision and it can only be her honest desire to want to self heal that can turn the tide. I know that as a young person she had many unresolved parent issues and the video further highlights how they will possibly prevent her from ever facing the magnitude of the pain she has caused in our home.

NOTE: For me the infidelity was a big eye opener to the pain I also caused her (I honestly never thought it was so painful) and will be forever remorseful/ashamed -- I hope that this will help me move forward to a new and better phase in my life.

My situation is very similar to others...except my husband's affair happened 45 years ago. I was 19 and he was 23, married less than 2 years. I stayed with him and we've been married 48 years. After all this time the only info I got was from his AP. She told me everything, embellishing with Polaroid pictures they each had taken of each other posed during oral sex. My husband has unique tattoos that were quite evident even though I didn't always see his complete face in the pictures. She informed me of their affair and it was still going on at that time. I confronted him and he denied everything. But I knew, putting all together the late nights, sometimes not coming home, always him saying I was with my buddies, drinking and smoking pot. It was always on Fridays and she told me she provided the pot and sometimes speed (the nights he never came home until late Saturday mornings) he picked up beer after work. He always smelled of sex, beer and smoke. So he denied, again saying after a week of work he would spend time with his buddies. It was only one buddy, a f**k buddy. We argued and he left to cool off after my "paranoid accusations." He comes back home late, drunk, and with a hickey on his neck. He admits he went to confront his AP why she showed their private pics and telling me what they do together. I guess he wasn't mad at her because of the hickey and he said they just did some kissing and making out pretty heavily but no sex. I told him what he just confessed to is still cheating and reminded him of our marriage vows forsaking all others. He still denied wrongdoing. I cut my wrist that night. He bandaged me up and said he would stop going over to her apartment if I promised to never try suicide again. One of us kept that promise. Two weeks later he doesn't come home on Friday night. Dee calls me telling me to come pick him up that he is there but passed out in her bed and she can't get him up to go home. I was livid to say the least! I told her she can keep him, I don't want him back! The next day he stumbled in, still in his work clothes, jacket has something in the pocket. I pull out a pair of red lacey panties and a Polaroid picture falls out with it. It is Dee wearing the same panties and my husband takes picture of her posing topless with one hand down her panties and the other hand fingers beckoning the photographer, my husband to come to her. I had packed my bags the night before and saying nothing I leave the picture, panties, and a note that I will not be coming back

I went to my grandmother's house, staying 3 days. On the 4th day he begs me to come home and I cave. He promised he called her and told her he won't be coming over anymore. He never really apologized about breaking my heart but wants us to work this out. I had questions I wanted answers to but he would get angry so I waited about a month, and broached the subject again. He tells me he wants to forget and I need to just get over it. My husband had a serious drinking problem back then, though he never hit me he raised his fist and one time he hit the wall, breaking the drywall but hit a stud and broke his hand. I never brought it up again as I was so afraid of physical abuse.
Several years later, when he had a stroke, he stopped drinking and smoking. He was 41 years old and I had to take care of him as if looking after a child, bathing him, feeding him, etc. I have had many triggers over the years but the last couple of months it has become very bad, a constant flood of memories, pictures I can't un-see, and unanswered questions. I knew what they were doing from pictures and Dee's descriptions (which I guess made it more exciting to share with me). But the answers I asked of my husband have never been answered: What made you go to her? Was I not good enough? Did you think about how hurt I would be if I knew? Did you think of me at all, when with me, when with her? Did you stop the affair or just got sneakier? Did you think of her when with me? Did you share secrets about me and our sex life? I know of 2 things she told me that he thought that I was frigid and only wanted conventional sex. She also told me that he told her he likes perky nipples like hers, not like mine. Both of these comments were similar to what my husband had said directly to me many times.
I have never gotten closure, have never been able to move on. Because of his stroke, he says he cannot remember ever cheating on me so he can't answer any of my questions. He thinks because he drank a lot and did drugs that was the reason, or he would not have ever strayed. My response to that was he may have been drinking and using drugs when he came to see her but he went there straight from work and he wasn't drunk or drugged when he knocked on her door. Over the many years since his affair, things he has said to me that he remembers are things that he and I have done sexually that never happened. He has vivid memories of sexual acts and passion of us together in motel rooms that never happened between us. I assume he was with Dee or some other woman but it wasn't me. In 48 years, we have only been in a motel twice, once after his stroke for an out of town evaluation for SSDI and one overnight stay in Flagstaff a 12 years ago going to see the Grand Canyon. There was NO SEX either time. He has remembered other things that never happened with me. I am almost as devastated today as I was all those years ago and I know I will never get answers from him. He has selective memory. He says he doesn't remember what she looks like, but he remembers where she lived, remembers her husband was his friend and in the Navy, but does not remember having an affair with her or anyone else, even though there was proof. He admits kissing and making out with her one time but that's as far as he can remember. He remembers my suicide attempt and me leaving him but says he does not remember the causes. He apologizes "if" he did anything to hurt me but other than that, he says the past is the past. I say quit bringing up things that trigger my PTSD over his affair then. We just don't talk about it. He says maybe he has a mental block about it though he can remember other things before and after. So we don't talk about it but he wonders why I cry so much, I just answer that I am an insecure, emotional person and I feel worthless. He starts to ask why but then stops...he remembers, I know he does but he will not give me peace by admitting to everything and telling me why. I have told him that by telling me things I want to know will not make me leave him, will not make me mad, that there have been so many years since it happened but I just need closure so I can heal. I will never forget but I can forgive him if he wants forgiveness. I actually forgave him when I went back home all those years ago. He wants me to get over it but he is the one that has the key.

I can never feel safe in my marriage and home with my spouse that lacks empathy. I’m 2.5 years post affair and cannot get over this pain. He’s a narcissist and it’s always about how he’s the victim yet he’s the one that cheated on me with a coworker after 13 years of marriage and 7 kids. My only peace is kicking him out of our home so me and my kids can heal with his toxic abuse around us.

Wayne,
I cannot thank you enough for this particular episode. I sent it to my spouse. He has sidestepped for years, any kind of work together to help heal both of us because of his long-term affair with an employee of his company. I didn't get full disclosure, and the "drip disclosures" I did get traumatized me over and over and over again to the point where I needed trauma therapy, trauma treatment, and depression medications. I have been separated from him for more than 18 months, because without his cooperation I'm not able to heal and don't want to continue in the marriage. A divorce is likely to happen in the future (I'm going to file).
I know for sure, because I have talked with his many siblings, that my husband was both emotionally neglected and horribly physically abused, He was one of 12 children. No help in the home and mother was very frustrated. Capital punishment with a large stick was frequent, probably most on my husband. I think he will NEVER agree to look back and process his past hurts and anguish. But this is exactly what he needs to do. In the meantime he has never empathetically apologized to me. I got an unemotional "I'm sorry"; I've been told to "just get over it". He doesn't understand that his involvement in my getting through this is the key for the marriage.
So, I continue to work on myself, re-discovering who I am and slowly, after grieving much, finding a new path without him. Thank you for all you do in Affair Recovery.

I cheated on my wife. But my problem is that my wife don't want to talk about it with me. It feels very strange. Is this normal? What should I do?

It’s been very close to 5 years for me. It’s still hurts like Hell. He refuses therapy or anything beneficial to save our 30+ year marriage. He too thinks my need to get to the bottom of it is just to hurt him. Same as so many here. We’ve gone from us fighting to him fighting to light and mutual physical fights to my sitting there silently no longer begging yelling or saying even a word, & That took about a year before he caught on! So now we don’t fight. But we don’t talk about it much either. Still get the “I don’t know/! Don’t remember” answers. Still thinks it’s all about hurting him or making it hard for him as retribution. He still don’t get it. Just like so many here. I’ve spoke meanly calmly smartly and stupidly. I’ve begged bartered and pleaded for him to just do this with me. I told him 5 years that’s all you get to do what’s needed or we are done. We are almost there, and I’m panting, anxious and freaked out. Is he? Well, no, NO, he is not. So, I decided (even though I swore to him I wouldn’t do it again!) I sat down and just spoke my honest heart. I no longer worried how he was going to take it or what he would do. Nor did I worry what his reactions would bring about. I was nothing but honest. If the moments and feelings and truths I was dishing meant my tears then he saw them. Yeah many of you get the drift, right? You see he has changed some. He has held so very fast to keeping that part of his life and himself secret. Yeah once again. The same old same old. So I’ve come to this understanding within myself. Even though he says he loves me and says he wants us to work, he only wants it if it all goes his way. He gets to direct how I and we heal. He gets to direct any consequences if any. His way. His way. Where does that leave me within him? His heart his kind his life? Personally I don’t see how that states beside him. Do you? Would anyone? I just done see any way possible to get him to do the work, share in the work. participate in healing us. What does that mean for me? Even if he still can’t be honest, can I? Yeah. I can and I have. It’s almost time to change my direction and my life. I’ve never put up with so much crap from anyone! Yet here I am. With this man that
I have known since I was 4 years old. Waiting for him. Just like I always have. Waiting for him to choose me, to love me. I told him I don’t know if I will make it to the 5 year mark or not. That’s my honesty. His was…
……………… nothing. No words. No actions. Nothing.

I'm 26 and my wife is 26. We had a baby 2 years ago. We were happy and loved eachother allot. After she got pregnant, she became distant and nitpicky, every thing was catered to what she needed. I would go out to a friends or family members for drinks or hangout and she would have a problem with something before I left every time. There were never girls and I always came home immediately the next morning. Ususally 7, because she liked me home so she could do stuff or I could help with things around the house. She made things difficult for me to enjoy or left me in a bad mood which could in turn start a conflict. Because she was jealous of me leaving or drinking since she was pregnant. After a year or so of constant fighting or disagreements, she became absent emotionally and physically, which made it hard for me to provide emotional or romantic support in our relationship and we slowly grew apart. I went to my basement and gamed, while she laid in bed upstairs on her phone. It was hard and I didn't know what to do. I had let myself fall off appearance wise and my nights consisted of coming home from work, watch son until bed because wife would leave to be with friends or go upstairs because of exhaustion. It got to the point that she was and has been pretty much nonexistent when I am around and does not enjoy spending weekends with her family because she is so exhausted from watching our son all week, even though my mom helps most days (allot/all the time) and I take over at night and weekends. So, for me it didn't add up and again didn't know what to do. I decided about a year ago to just work on myself and slowly start making better relationship efforts, and I did. Since June 2024 I took over my appearance and have never looked better in my life. I am more mentally present and engaged in my wifes conversations. She is a stay at home mom and does not worry about money or anything and I help with lots of stuff around the house, tidying every night and doing our sons bedtime routine and bedtime, I even would make and leave her out protein every time she'd workout. I would change my plans or cancel in order to make room for all her stuff and even for time with friends because she was depressed without them. I never interfered or got in the way of her plans or anything she wanted to do with friends. Up to this point, I have single handedly already made active changes and tried to make our relationship better, as I wanted to finally be happy with her and our son and hopefully have a second child. I understood disconnect and and post trauma from pregnancy happens in allot of relationships and I loved my wife more than anything. I thought I was giving her needed and requested space while still maintaining our house and taking care of our son, but this was incorrect and a fatal decision on my part for our relationship. In giving her the extra space and always being with her friends, she overwrote her life with a new family and new priorities. She had 2 close guy friends and I never had a worry because I would talk with her all the time about them and it was actually all we talked about, raves, friends, and what she had planned. I even asked to hangout with them a couple times to get to know eachother a bit since we talk so much about them and I knew they were important to her. This never happened. There was even moments I would ask her to ask them for advice on my working out, and they would give her advice for me.

March 2025, I went to work and received a text from her Best friend (girl) with a paragraph about my wife cheating on me with one of the two best friends and that they still have a connection. At this point, our relationship was growing again and we were making steps to be closer and I was still doing everything she needed, and we were starting to slowly repair and get by from our distancing. When I seen this text I read the first sentence and knew everything I was going to read. Although I trusted her and let her do everything she wanted, it was out of love and I was trying to understand how to fix a relationship that was disconnecting because she wasn't ready to be a parent in the first place. I immediately went home from work screaming on the way, when I got home I told her to pack a bag and leave or I will and she refused. I never said any details but just that I knew. She never accepted or told me anything. She just gave me alligator tears and cried no.. no... nooo. Because I said it was over since she couldn't tell me. I had to pry every detail from her and she never apologized straight to me once, besides I'm sorry a million times. This was a thursday and that night she left to hangout with her friends since they had plans. That weekend it was her birthday on friday and his birthday some other day. So their group of friends had plans all weekend. I hung out with her for her birthday by going out for supper while she had tears in her eyes and looked at my hand without a ring. This was to save face from my mom watching our son so I could take my wife out for supper on her birthday. After supper she went out with friends and stayed the night at their house along with every day that weekend. She went out partying and making happy memories while I watched our son alone all weekend and screamed in the basement crying for hours throughout the night while my son slept upstairs. I am not the same man anymore.. This made everything ten times worse and was worse than the cheating that took place 9 months prior. She shrugged off every attempt at conversation or every text I sent her. It was all yelled at a wall. Also, after I was working on moving on, I had texted her friend again with an update because I had noone to talk to and she was the only person not lying to me. My wife, went through my phone the next night while I was sleeping, after I cleaned the whole house for her and made a nice opening in our sheets to come lay with me when she got home from being with friends late at night. She went through my phone and woke me up at three in the morning to tell me how I betrayed her and that I was an awful person for speaking to her friend. This ended with me giving her my phone to type a final message before blocking her from my phone. Meanwhile she still talks to him via snap streak? I have no way to win an argument because my points are not heard or validated.

After about a month my whole family went to disneyland including us. I still didn't have closure on how to proceed, because I was still waiting for all the change and for her to just talk to me once. It was difficult for me, because I didn't know if I was to try kindle our relationship at this point and she just kept letting me fall into darkness everytime she wouldn't cuddle me or touch me and leave me with no answers. When we got back home I made a final message and sent to her with everything. After a day, she eventually talked to me, but picked the one thing that could be possibly incorrect in my message. She denied making specific changes and still wanted to do all her plans this summer. I thought we were done because it was practically an ultimatum and I was not able to see a way to get past it. That night was the first time she came to me to console me properly and after I told her we were done, she tried to talk more about her conditions of change needed from my message. She is still going to raves in the summer, she is going in groups and the guy is part of a couple. Since we got back from Disney, things have gotten allot better in some ways. Like because I didn't bring it up anymore and let her still hang with girlfriends on the weekend we are good. She used to have a streak with him on snapchat and think she still does. She says she has stopped contact with him and that her other friend is organizing all the plans for her.

As of now, I am happy with where we are at. But in the sense of, if this was without/before the cheating. Our relationship is slowly repairing and she is showing me more of what I need in regards to physical touch like cuddling and holding hands and just talking. Even though talking is still about her life mostly, it's not about him and I am now content just being alone with my son. I understand this relationship is not ideal and the connection is rough. But I love my son and this has pushed that to another level. In turn, this makes me want to love my wife more because I want the best for my son and happiness for my wife. Also, I forgot to mention, that when I went on vacation, my manager's wife got sick and turned out to be cancer. I have since been running a shop of 14 guys and doing all the paperwork revolving the business. Between this and the affair, I have been broken and pushed down so hard I do not know what to do. At points I have wanted to quit my job and my marriage, or both and fly the **** away. But I cannot because I have my son. He needs me and he needs a positive and happy role model. I have committed my recent weeks to just that. My work although daunting and horrible, I can get through for the money right now. My marriage, although closed and felt like was over, I have let go of the past and decided to just embrace my wife and let her do what she needs in order to have a great connection and friendship for our son. I don't know if I can trust my wife again and if she has told me the truth. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I tried online therapy and had a meeting on friday night. This was a disaster and the therapist didn't give a **** and asked me how my day was, until we ran out of time and disconnected, being prompted with a final message stating, you're doing pretty good, and things seem to be looking up, let me know if you need someone to talk to. Well I did.. Even the therapist is stupid and delusional. I can't seem to even pay anyone to talk to me about my trauma. So I'll deal with it alone.

I understand this is nothing to lots of people with worse cheating experiences. But this was my tragedy of my life and has changed me in many ways forever. I felt like some of the paragraphs in this article spoke to me in a way and I thought I'd leave a segment of my story here. I don't know if I am making the right decision and setting myself up for heartbreak staying with my wife. But I love her and she's precious to me. I married her because of the vows I made for her and because of all the great ideas for our future we had. I have to believe her promise that I can trust again and have to do cute things for her otherwise it will never end. I am choosing to move on but with a cautious heart. My pain is substantial and does not go away. This is the only thing I can critically think about and I'm hoping as time progresses it can fade (even though I know it doesn't). My son is happy and healthy btw. If anything, this has created many special and close bonding moments for me and my son.