Why Couples Fail After an Affair | Part 2 - Not Getting It

Great article again, I identify completely, have told my Husband so many times that I don't think he gets it at all. We do not talk, he thinks it is useless and frustrating for us to discuss the "most awful things" he has done. He said I like making a bigger thing out of it than it was, and that I am unforgiving. He feels there is nothing to be gained by talking about the past so if we talk, it should be about now & the future rather than dwell on the past which he tells me is gone and you can't do anything about it anyway. These are his exact words, along with telling me that I must enjoy wallowing in my misery.
At this point 3 years from DDay and 25+ from infidelities we have a compatible home life , zero intimacy. I stay because I don't know what else to do after spending my life with him. I don't know if I could ever feel love or passion, or even excitement again for him, but as a Christian I can love him in a bigger way. I try to be kind and caring and honest.

Thank you so much for an encouraging word of Hope. I unforunately was unfaithful to my dear wife many times over the short years we have been together and married. I never got why she would always ask the seemingly same questions over and over. I started to before i read this article, but somehow this article just made it that much more clear. I have always wanted to be open and help the healing of our marriage, but sometimes it was hard and sometimes it still is. Though each time I read another article of yours I feel new inspiration to push forward and keeping going, for my wife, for our son, our marriage and us as a couple.
I know so many times when my wife has tried to talk to me I've gotten that exact way, shut off and defensive. I have to say to any that betrayed a love one, it may seem like the best course of action to protect yourself, but it is NOT. When it happens step back and think about the extreme pain that your betrayed spouse must be feeling, than looking again at your own pain of embrassment or whatever. It should show you that your temporary embrassment is nothing to the pain you cause your spouse. So than let the truth flow and open up to your spouse. It is easier said than done, but when you do, it makes the healing that much easier for both of you. You will also feel much better about it after. Society has made us feel like men cant make emotions, but excuse my language, that is bullshit. A real man is not afraid to show emotion be it fear, tears, sadness or whatever else. Your spouse wants to fix it with you so make it easier on both of you and open up to them. I did it and it still hard sometimes and i want to shut off but i force forward and keep open and it has made it so much easier.
Thanks again Rick

"When the connecting bond is broken in a marriage, the betrayed spouse experiences something like a primal panic. It’s as if someone had struck them in the chest..."
I felt like I had been deliberately ran over (struck) by my husband. He plotted, lied, and struck me while I was not paying attention. Instead of helping me, my husband started ranting and blaming me for his choices. He then proceeded to tell me that I could not talk about how much I had been hurt, that I could not ask him questions because it made him feel "bad." After finding out, I was in shock. Who expects the victim that is laying on the floor to be considerate to their "attacker," is unnatural, we are in self-preservation mode. We are in need. We need reassurance that we are safe. I got all the love and support that I needed from family and friends.They held me while I cried, they were the ones I called when I was bombarded with triggers, I bonded deeper with them because of this crisis. I think if my husband had been willing to be there for me our marriage could have survived this affair, but my husband's inability to help me feel safe has made his presence obsolete in my life. He dismissed opportunities to show compassion for my pain and improve our relationship.

Even I am sick of hearing myself repeat the same requests, in different words, over and over. It has been about a year since d-day and I still do not feel that he "gets it." I have stopped explaining. He does not want to live in the past, talk about the past or explore any part of anything uncomfortable.

After an exceptionally brief and to the point summary of the affair, he was done volunteering information. If I asked questions, he would answer with as little comment as possible; most times yes or no. I would make guesses based on the small tidbits and ask more questions with short responses. And so it continued for a little while until I ran out of questions.

Since then, I have been focusing on making myself a better communicator and creating a relationship safe for opening up. Every once in a while I will ask for further discussion. The response is either, "ask me questions and I will answer" or (with a sigh and eyeroll) "I have told you everything already."

The trickle of information and lack of participation has left me feeling unsafe. It still feels like a hidden part of his past. Even though I was there, I was not and feel I will never be part of that time in his life. He treats it like a square - OW, AP, husband, wife - except he is trying to be two corners; not possible. It can only work as the triangle it was and he has to merge the two parts he played. If he can not come to terms with it, how can I?

It leaves me wondering if he is going to share what he considers uncomfortable information in the future. There is the idea that he will just keep me in the dark again until I find out for myself, once again. He does not realize that sharing would hurt me so much less than anything he told me. It would actually go a very long way to helping restore trust and the bond we once had.

Hi Rick:
Yes, you have eloquently expressed the basic issue which is at the heart of every healing journey after infidelity. I wish someone would film a PR spot about the devastation of adultery, not only to the spouse, but to families, communities, and society at large. Lack of awareness and empathy on the part of the spouse who betrayed are the two biggest obstacles to healing. Over the past four years, my husband and I have had to struggle with this very problem. He finally "gets it" now, but it was a long time coming, and sometimes, we still have to revisit it. It has taken courage, patience, and a tremendous amount of consciousness-raising on both our parts to recover from what should have been the "swan song" of our 30+ year marriage (ie the discovery of my husband's 10 year affair, and over the next year learning about many other betrayals over the course of our marriage). Only through thousands of hours of mutual honest reflection and tremendous motivation, plus articles such as yours to validate what I was feeling, were we able to move forward. One technique I found helpful was the use of analogies that my husband could instantly understand, e.g. when he said something like "Oh, that one phone call to [my AP] during our anniversary trip was hardly enough to ruin the whole memory for you" - I would respond "That's like saying 'Oh, someone ripped a small hole in Mona Lisa's eye - hardly enough to ruin the whole painting!" He got that. Another - I would ask him if he ever would consider slapping me, punching me, or stabbing me multiple times in the back. He was horrified I would even bring up such a thing. Then I gently expressed that what he did was the emotional equivalent. I think this analogy hit him hard in the gut, and he began to "get" my pain. But as I said, it's taken thousands of hours of talking things through. I feel for all the wives and husbands out there whose unfaithful spouses are reluctant to talk about it genuinely and honestly. Again, thanks for your wonderful article, Rick. It's sorely needed.

It has been 5 years and I still judge myself that I am not letting go and haven't forgiven. When reading this article though, it hit the nail on the head. I don't believe my h gets the damage. He hasn't aided in my healing process and refuses to participate in the forgiveness process. He has said that he believes I am trying to shame him and gets furious with me and that is not my intent. I am trying to come to a resolution in my own mind but because my h doesn't provide safety and that he gets it I have fear about fully giving myself to the relationship again. You have articulated perfectly what I have been unable to. Thank you.

Great article, this is such a vital component for the healing process of the betrayed for the current relationship or one in the future. After attending EMS and trying to work through my ex-wifes infidelity for several months, she couldn't leave her AP and decided to leave the marriage. Despite all the professional help that we received and the effort that I put in to work through it, she was unable to understand the pain that she inflicted through her selfish actions. This was even more apparent to me after we met to sign some of the final papers and she showed up WITH her AP. I'm so sad for her and I hope she is able to heal from the wounds she has experienced in a timely manner to get back on the right track. If you are the unfaithful and you want and deeply believe that you are called to be with your current spouse, then terminate all contact with your A to have a fighting chance at healing together. If you don't feel that way, then be an adult and own it, quit inflicting the pain and leave your spouse to let them heal on their own. It's one or the other, anything else is selfish and inhumane. Rick you are AWESOME... Thank you for the help during this devastating time.... you are a blessing.

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