Triggers: What's Your Strategy
Post infidelity, I found myself in a new world filled with all sorts of triggers. Not only would reminders from my marriage and husband trigger me, but I was also triggered by reminders of my AP.
One notable occasion was a breakdown at a diner. The waitress asked, "what type of toast would you like? We have white, wheat, rye, and sourdough." Sourdough bread. Did she just mention sourdough bread? Memories related to sourdough bread rush to the forefront of my mind. Immediately, I'm cascading down a shame and grief spiral and can no longer hear what the waitress is saying, let alone respond. My mood instantly turns dark, and I am flooded with negative thoughts. I'm quickly reminded of the tumultuous ocean my life has become since D-Day; the pain so great that I'm unsure how to continue to bear it.
Hoping she doesn't notice my complete descent into misery, I…
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Can We Believe Again? Part 1: Crying Wolf
"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from those you trust the most." ~Author Unknown
You are probably familiar with the fable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. The tale concerns a shepherd boy who intentionally and repeatedly fools villagers into believing a wolf is attacking the town's flock of sheep. He cries, “Wolf! Wolf!” to watch them all come running, but they arrive to find there is no wolf. He does this several times, and eventually, when an actual wolf appears, the boy calls for them in a panic. By this time the villagers no longer believe him so they don’t come, and the sheep are eaten by the wolf. After hearing the same phony claims again and again, no one believed the boy when he was finally telling the truth. He had knowingly told the same lie several times before, but it still seemed to come as a genuine surprise to him when the villagers didn’t believe him when the story he told was actually true.
This fable speaks to the complicated and frustrating experience for both spouses after the discovery of betrayal. For the unfaithful spouse, he or she KNOWS when they ARE telling the truth and probably feels hurt and exasperated that they are doubted or continue to not be believed during the healing process. After all, they knew when they were lying, and they also know that now they’re actually telling the truth, so it should be enough, right?
The betrayed spouse is understandably guarded after the revelation of infidelity, and speaking from my experience, I refused to be fooled again. So even if I really wanted to believe him, my gut reminded me of all the lies I had heard, and that he was not to be trusted. It’s a very difficult place to be for both parties, and it takes time and understanding to even begin to find some middle ground.
Understanding why this is so hard was helpful for me to cut myself some slack for my unrelenting guardedness and skepticism. As always, my experience is mine, and does not represent all betrayed spouses or situations. It may not be relevant to everyone, but if it rings true for you, maybe you can find something that is helpful.
My husband’s long term affair ended 10 years prior to his eventual admission. I had been asking him for years to tell me the truth, but he continued to lie to me over and over again. When I finally got the truth, it was a mix of feelings. I always knew in my heart he had an affair, but was still hoping I had been wrong. I fought an internal battle all those years to convince myself I was overreacting, and that I should believe him, since he had very convincingly told me dozens of times that I was just paranoid. But it turns out I was right the whole time.
Once the truth was finally out on D-day, it was all out. To his credit, once he decided to confess he held nothing back, he told me some very hard truths, and did not try to justify his actions. However, in doing so, he seemed to feel I would just automatically believe everything he said now that he had finally decided to tell the truth. This was after intentionally lying to me for more than a decade - over half of our marriage at that point in time. After all, he knew he was finally telling the full truth. He knew he never intended to lie to me again, no matter the repercussions. But I had been on the receiving end of so many lies, for so many years. So now, I wanted to believe him; I really did, and sometimes I was able to, but some things were just a no-go for me. The ambivalence was intense, and there were elements about the affair and the affair partner (AP) that I just didn’t believe, no matter how many times he said it, and how emphatic he was. Too many lies for too long had made it hard to believe anything.
It confused me because at my core, I really believed he was finally telling me the truth. So why did I still have doubts? He was hurt that I didn’t trust him. He is entitled to his feelings and I tried to empathize, but the reality was, I didn’t trust him because he had proven not to be trustworthy.
So where do we go from here? I hope you will join me for Part 2 to continue the conversation about the impact of deception and why it is so hard to overcome.
“If you tell the truth it becomes your past.If you tell a lie it becomes your future.” ~ Anne Bercht
Can We Believe Again? Part 2: Reinforced Walls
"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from those you trust the most." ~Author Unknown
You are probably familiar with the fable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. The tale concerns a shepherd boy who intentionally and repeatedly fools villagers into believing a wolf is attacking the town's flock of sheep. He cries, “Wolf! Wolf!” to watch them all come running, but they arrive to find there is no wolf. He does this several times, and eventually, when an actual wolf appears, the boy calls for them in a panic. By this time the villagers no longer believe him so they don’t come, and the sheep are eaten by the wolf. After hearing the same phony claims again and again, no one believed the boy when he was finally telling the truth. He had knowingly told the same lie several times before, but it still seemed to come as a genuine…
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Songs for the Soul | Self Care
Let’s sing a fun, creative, and original song about self care (and discuss it too)! Rodney and Angela in this episode discuss the importance of self care, from the small things to the large. When your life is blown up from infidelity, self care is essential to ensure we don't lose ourselves while working through and recovering from infidelity. We hope you enjoy this Self Care Song!
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Group Leader Training Modules
Group Leader Resources
Welcome to our Group Leader's Training Modules page, select the section of our Leader Manual to review and watch our explainer video.
Module 1: Introduction
1.1 Introduction and Overview (3:07)
1.2 Who's Who and the Team (2:09)
1.3 Sobering Statistics (1:10)
1.4 How People find AR (1:27)
1.5 Our Foundation, Partnership, and Vision (1:14)
1.6 Our Beliefs (1:21)
Module 2: Leading Your Group
2.1 Leading Your Group Overview (1:57)
2.2 Leader's Role (1:13)
2.3 Creating a Successful Environment (2:16)
2.4 Tools along the Trail (2:41)
2.5 Handling Questions (3:41)
Module 3: Preparing to Lead
3.1 Our Courses (6:58)
3.2 Administrative Process (1:50)
3.3 Getting Ready to Lead (5:05)
3.4 Your First Call (5:37)
3.5 After the Call (3:43)
Module 4: Caring for Your Group
4.1 Caring for…
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What Does Doing the Work of Infidelity Recovery Mean for the Unfaithful - Infidelity Recovery
I am often asked by unfaithful spouses, "What does doing the work mean?" This is a valid question because infidelity recovery can be overwhelming and confusing. Most do not even know where to start. We are not offered a class in college called "Infidelity Recovery 101". I also hear people say, "I am not a sex addict." "I only had one affair." "It was only a one-night stand." "Do I have to do the same type of work?" Below are three evidence-based components of infidelity recovery. They are relevant regardless of the type of affair.
Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for shame —and that's just the beginning.
Learn More | Hope For Healing!
The first component of "doing the work" is individual therapy. A study evaluating different types of therapeutic…
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GLM's Q&A
Group Leader Resources
Welcome to our GLM Q&A page, a place where you can find the most asked questions by leaders as well as connect with your GLM team.
Intro
AffairRecovery.com · Leading With Hope: Episode 9 - Cultivating Resilience, Part 2
Group Leader Resources
Welcome to our GLM Q&A page, a place where you can find the most asked questions by leaders as well as connect with your GLM team.
Intro
AffairRecovery.com · Leading With Hope: Episode 9 - Cultivating Resilience, Part 2
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Common Mistakes Made When Recovering from Infidelity
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After the revelation of an affair or other sexually inappropriate behavior, it is, unfortunately, very easy for both the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed spouse to make a series of well-meaning mistakes which further complicate the situation and the healing process.
Listed below are just a few of these common mistakes. We hope that this information will help guide you!
The Unfaithful Spouse's Common Mistakes
Being defensive: Since the revelation of a betrayal is extremely traumatic, there is no room for defensiveness. The antidote to defensiveness is taking personal responsibility.
Leaking out information over time: Getting the truth out, all of it, is a great opportunity to display real…
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Finding Joy During the Holidays
Finding Joy in the Holidays - Alumna Blog by Melissa Fisher
Don’t just survive the holidays; use them as a catalyst for hope, healing, and flourishing in new life by finding the Joy in them. The holidays are one of the many difficult times an individual faces when healing from infidelity and our Alumna, Melissa speaks directly to this challenge while giving your practical and real guidance, tips, and encouragement in navigating the holidays.
Hear directly from Melissa who has been where you are, experienced what you have experienced, and has taken the journey of recovery and wants to lift you up so you know you are strong and you can do this. She shares the ways to help you find the Joy in the Holidays.
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Hope For Healing Excerpt: How Does The Unfaithful Make Amends?
Hope for Healing registration opens today at Noon CT.
Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. Click the button below to find out more.
Register For Hope For Healing!
How do you communicate to someone that you're sorry you've done something that has forever altered his or her life? The following is adapted from our Hope for Healing course for unfaithful spouses.
In my own recovery, one of the most frustrating aspects of communication with my wife was her unwillingness to accept my apologies. Time and time again I would express remorse over…
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Who is the Other Woman?
Disclaimer: This may be a difficult article for some of you to read. Before reading, take a moment to consider how far along you are in recovery. Those who are newer to recovery will not be able to process the information in this article from an objective perspective. The information is important to understand, but the last thing we want to do is to cause unnecessary pain. Our suggestion is to wait until you are further along in recovery so you will be able to truly absorb all the article has to say. For those of you in this position, we suggest reading instead our 6-part "How Could You?" Series.
Who is the other woman? Who is the other man?
Is she a home wrecker, a floozy, a bimbo? Is he a bad boy, a tough guy or a brainiac?
Is he or she someone to be hated or pitied?
…
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Songs for the Soul | Through the Valley
We are so excited to finally share with you a brand new season of 'Songs for the Soul' with Rodney & Angela. Songs for the Soul was created by this inspiring couple as a space where their testimony meets their harmony, to encourage couples and individuals who are overcoming infidelity.
In this episode, Rodney shares a very personal song that he wrote during a hard season in his life, long before infidelity rocked his marriage. He would sing it quietly to encourage himself, and never thought he would be sharing it with others. But God had other plans. In Rodney's own words, "I present this song as a gift, in hopes that it can encourage someone else going through a valley right now."
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Recovering from Infidelity: Difficulties with Intimacy
Recovering from Infidelity: Difficulties with Intimacy
A 3 Part Series
Part 1: Difficulties with Intimacy
Part 2: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Betrayed
Part 3: Difficulties with Intimacy for the Unfaithful
In recent years, one of the most popular topics in sexology has been female sexual desire disorders. For the past four decades, women have been pathologized for not being like men.
For instance, according to University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, "sexual difficulties are particularly prevalent among women seeking routine gynecological care. In population surveys, some 30%–35% of women aged 18–70 have reported a lack of sexual desire during the previous 1–12 months." The percentage of women reporting sexual…
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Community for Healing from Infidelity – Affair Recovery
Years ago, I ran multiple marathons. Reflecting back, I realize that marathon running wasn't just an individual sport; it was a group effort where other competitors shared my experience. The people I trained with encouraged and pushed me, helping me achieve goals I never thought possible. During the races, other competitors motivated me and propelled me toward the finish line. Running alongside others made completing a 26.2-mile run more achievable.
Our brains are wired to assume that others will help and support us. That's why social support is critical to health and well-being, as numerous studies have shown. A life partner, family, community, and robust social network are significant predictors of overall health and longevity in life. However, when traumatized, our brains try to convince us to avoid the very things we need for healing. It's essential not to…
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Songs for the Soul | Rick Reynolds
We are so excited to finally share with you a brand new season of 'Songs for the Soul' with Rodney & Angela. Songs for the Soul was created by this inspiring couple as a space where their testimony meets their harmony, to encourage couples and individuals who are overcoming infidelity.
In the second episode, Affair Recovery Founder Rick Reynolds, LCSW, joins the discussion with scientific links between singing and recovery from infidelity. Check out this note from Rick explaining the history behind this beautiful passion project.
In August of 2015, I was invited to Gateway Church for a reunion with past participants of the EMS program. To my delight, a married couple was leading worship together. My heart was deeply touched by their music.
Afterwards, I went up to introduce myself to those gifted musicians. After…
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Healing After an Affair: How do I Address Unmanageability?
Recently, I was talking with a client about the concept of powerlessness. In most 12 step recovery programs, the first step is to acknowledge we are powerless and our lives are unmanageable. Something I find to be an excellent antidote to powerlessness and unmanageability is acceptance. I also find acceptance to be a crucial part of healing after an affair:
acceptance of my circumstances,
acceptance that my best efforts have brought me to this place,
acceptance of my inability to affect change in myself as well as others, and
acceptance of who and what I really am.
Acceptance is the beginning of hope. Until we can accept that as truth, we are powerless. We will be destined to continue longing for change in areas we’ve never successfully managed to change. Rather than accept…
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Beyond EMS | Week 6
For those who have been betrayed:
For those who have been betrayed:
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Beyond EMS | Week 6
For those who have been wayward:
For those who have been wayward:
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The Betrayed's Reaction: An Excerpt from Harboring Hope
Today, I'd like to share an excerpt from our Harboring Hope course.
As you may or may not know, all of our authors, contributors, therapists, and vloggers have personally survived an infidelity crisis. When we say “we get it,” we really do. We understand your pain and frustration and desperate need for clarity and direction. We've felt your struggle personally and have lived to tell about it. We are here to help guide you through it.
This article is not just for the Betrayed individual. Reading the material below will prove extremely beneficial for the unfaithful individual in terms of gaining a better understanding of the betrayed's road ahead. While it's not an easy journey, it is a possible one and with the right help, we can minimize unnecessary collateral damage for all parties involved.
Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our…
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Surviving Infidelity: 6 Things I Wish I'd Known
This week's article explores the question: "After the affair came to light, what didn't you know that you needed to know?"
A hundred wayward spouses could tell you what they wish they'd known, and all of their responses would carry some merit. Today, however, I'd like to turn the lens on myself — an unfaithful spouse — to share six things I wish I'd known as well as what I've observed over my 30-plus years of marriage.
1. It's Not About Me
Yes, I perpetrated the infidelity, but the devastation and loss belonged to my wife. Helping her heal from the wound I created needed to be my focus — not all my reasons why and not my guilt and shame. It was far too easy to make it about me rather than listen to her pain and take responsibility. I must admit that early on, this is one of the toughest things for the wayward spouse to accomplish in recovery.
2. Surviving…
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Community Connection
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Beyond EMS | Week 4
For those who have been betrayed:
For those who have been betrayed:
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Beyond EMS | Week 4
For those who have been wayward:
For those who have been wayward:
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Beyond EMS | Week 4
For those who have been wayward:
For those who have been wayward:
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Hope Rising 2023 On Demand
The following videos are from the Sixth Annual Hope Rising Conference
for betrayed spouses from September 30th 2023. If you are interested in attending the next annual Hope Rising Conference, learn more here: www.affairrecovery.com/hope-rising
Download Speaker Notes
Session 1
Session 2
Session 3
Session 4
…
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Surviving Infidelity: The #1 Challenge to Recovery
One of the most frustrating issues when recovering from betrayal trauma is the ongoing emotional flooding that comes from the loss, deception, reminders, and intrusive thoughts. Long after a couple commits to work on the marriage, a fire-breathing trauma-dragon will raise its head and scorch the little progress they make. I call it a dragon because this type of trauma appears as if from nowhere for a ruthless surprise attack. This dragon of trauma is difficult to describe, so it can seem imaginary to those around you who don't know this kind of pain. For you though, it feels so big and so impossible to manage that recovery often seems utterly hopeless.
Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter chapter.
Learn More | Harboring Hope
Bear with…
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The Importance of Wisdom Following Infidelity
"Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate.
I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple that, after infidelity, had been working for five months to understand the "why" of the affair.
While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the affair partner, the betrayed spouse concluded, "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you."
The wayward spouses rebutted, "Are you serious? You were so controlling. I had no voice in our relationship; everything had to be done your way!"
"Well, at least I was always honest with you ... " the betrayed spouse's words lingered in silence. They were at an impasse again.
I was confident that the truth fell somewhere between their two subjective realities. Unfortunately, the trauma and pain…
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Beyond EMS | Week 3
For those who have been wayward:
For those who have been wayward:
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Beyond EMS | Week 3
For those who have been betrayed:
For those who have been betrayed:
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Pablo's Demos
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affair recovery
Pilot Program
For Hope for Healing & Harboring Hope alumni
The course ends.The community doesn’t have to.
AR Community Groups are weekly 90-minute drop-in sessions led by experienced Group Leaders — the same structure, safety, and honesty you knew in your course. Come every week, or just the weeks you need it.
Reserve your seat
Open only to alumni who completed Hope for Healing or Harboring Hope.
Eight seats. One is open for you.
Why this exists
Finishing your course was a beginning, not an ending.
For 13 or 17 weeks you had a rhythm: a call, a group, people who knew your story by first name. Then it ended — and staying connected got harder. Community Groups give you a place to return to, built by the people who built your course.
Led by experienced Group Leaders
Every session is facilitated by a senior AR Group Leader who has walked this road personally and led many course groups before yours.
Drop in when you need it
No 13-week commitment. Reserve a single seat for a single session — weekly, monthly, or in the seasons when recovery feels heavy again.
The same safety you knew
First names only. No recordings. A group agreement read at the start of every session. Guided discussion drawn from AR’s materials — never a free-for-all.
Pilot schedule
Two groups to start. More as the community grows.
Sessions run on Zoom for six weeks during the pilot. Each group is capped at eight so every voice fits in ninety minutes.
For Hope for Healing alumni
Men’s Community Group
Led by Rick W.
Tuesdays 7:00–8:30 PM CT
Where Zoom
8 seats per session
$20 per session · pay only for the sessions you join
Reserve a seat — Tuesdays
For Harboring Hope alumnae
Women’s Community Group
Led by Alex W.
Thursdays 7:00–8:30 PM CT
Where Zoom
8 seats per session
$25 per session · pay only for the sessions you join
Reserve a seat — Thursdays
Times follow leader availability and may adjust between pilot cycles. Same-gender groups, matched to your course — the format you already know.
What a session looks like
Ninety minutes with a shape you’ll recognize.
First 20 minutes
Check-in
First names, your course, and one word for where you are this week. Everyone speaks early — no one carries the room alone.
The heart of the session
Guided topic
A weekly discussion guide drawn from AR’s materials — staying connected, rebuilding trust in yourself, handling triggers, and more.
Before you go
One small commitment
Each person names one doable step for the week ahead. Small and real beats big and vague.
Alumni only
First names only
Never recorded
Structured discussion guides
Faith-respectful, never faith-required
Questions
Good to know before you reserve.
Who can join?
Anyone who has completed Hope for Healing (men’s group) or Harboring Hope (women’s group). Groups follow the same gender separation as the courses. Your registration is checked against course completion — that shared foundation is what keeps the room safe.
Do I have to come every week?
No. That’s the point of drop-in: reserve a seat only for the sessions you want. Many alumni come weekly for a season; others return when something stirs things up. Both are welcome.
Is this counseling?
No. Community Groups are peer support facilitated by an experienced Group Leader — not counseling, therapy, or a substitute for either. If a session surfaces something that needs more support, your leader will help point you to the right resources.
What if a session fills up?
Each session is capped at eight participants so everyone has room to speak. If your week is full, you can grab a seat in the next one — and as the pilot grows, we’ll add groups and time slots based on demand.
There’s a seat open for you.
You did the hard work of the course. Staying connected is how it lasts — and you don’t have to do it alone.
Reserve your seat
AR Community Groups are peer support for course alumni and are not counseling or a substitute for counseling. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (US Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or contact local emergency services. © 2026 Affair Recovery · affairrecovery.com
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