Surviving Infidelity: 6 Things I Wish I'd Known
This week's article explores the question: "After the affair came to light, what didn't you know that you needed to know?"
A hundred wayward spouses could tell you what they wish they'd known, and all of their responses would carry some merit. Today, however, I'd like to turn the lens on myself — an unfaithful spouse — to share six things I wish I'd known as well as what I've observed over my 30-plus years of marriage.
1. It's Not About Me
Yes, I perpetrated the infidelity, but the devastation and loss belonged to my wife. Helping her heal from the wound I created needed to be my focus — not all my reasons why and not my guilt and shame. It was far too easy to make it about me rather than listen to her pain and take responsibility. I must admit that early on, this is one of the toughest things for the wayward spouse to accomplish in recovery.
2. Surviving…
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Community Connection
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Beyond EMS | Week 4
For those who have been betrayed:
For those who have been betrayed:
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Beyond EMS | Week 4
For those who have been wayward:
For those who have been wayward:
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Beyond EMS | Week 4
For those who have been wayward:
For those who have been wayward:
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Hope Rising 2023 On Demand
The following videos are from the Sixth Annual Hope Rising Conference
for betrayed spouses from September 30th 2023. If you are interested in attending the next annual Hope Rising Conference, learn more here: www.affairrecovery.com/hope-rising
Download Speaker Notes
Session 1
Session 2
Session 3
Session 4
…
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Surviving Infidelity: The #1 Challenge to Recovery
One of the most frustrating issues when recovering from betrayal trauma is the ongoing emotional flooding that comes from the loss, deception, reminders, and intrusive thoughts. Long after a couple commits to work on the marriage, a fire-breathing trauma-dragon will raise its head and scorch the little progress they make. I call it a dragon because this type of trauma appears as if from nowhere for a ruthless surprise attack. This dragon of trauma is difficult to describe, so it can seem imaginary to those around you who don't know this kind of pain. For you though, it feels so big and so impossible to manage that recovery often seems utterly hopeless.
Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter chapter.
Learn More | Harboring Hope
Bear with…
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The Importance of Wisdom Following Infidelity
"Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate.
I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple that, after infidelity, had been working for five months to understand the "why" of the affair.
While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the affair partner, the betrayed spouse concluded, "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you."
The wayward spouses rebutted, "Are you serious? You were so controlling. I had no voice in our relationship; everything had to be done your way!"
"Well, at least I was always honest with you ... " the betrayed spouse's words lingered in silence. They were at an impasse again.
I was confident that the truth fell somewhere between their two subjective realities. Unfortunately, the trauma and pain…
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Beyond EMS | Week 3
For those who have been wayward:
For those who have been wayward:
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Beyond EMS | Week 3
For those who have been betrayed:
For those who have been betrayed:
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Webinar Demo
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Healing After an Affair: Emotional Flooding and Reminders
After almost seventeen years of helping couples and individuals professionally, I have discovered that crises affect us far more than we are aware. The impact of a crisis, whatever it may be, must be dealt with if we ever want to find healing and hope for a better future.
Grieving to Acceptance
The trauma experienced by a couple upon the revelation of a betrayal is no small matter, and it creates a raw, emotional upheaval that must be dealt with by both parties. Yes, both parties. To be sure, the initial stage of healing after an affair is about grieving. For the betrayed spouse, the pain of the loss is overwhelming. There is the loss of self-confidence, the loss of the life they thought they had, the loss of their dreams, the loss of security, and the loss of their belief in who they thought their spouse was. They also must grieve…
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How Long Does It Take to Recover From An Affair?
Recovering from an affair isn't just a matter of how badly someone wants to heal, it's also a matter of time and dedicated, intentional work. I can't tell you how many times I get asked, "How long is this going to take?" My answer is always, "It depends." One thing is for sure: Recovering from an affair will take longer than both of you expected, and it's not necessarily based on how much you want to recover.
It has been my experience that it takes most couples two to three years, and that's if they have the help of a qualified professional to guide them. Unfortunately, it can take longer when they do not share the same goal or level of dedication to repair the damage and rebuild their lives. When the focus is just getting over it and moving on, it can take much longer. The emotional wounds of infidelity are severe and most often disastrous to the…
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The Fight to Forgive
Whenever I write or speak about forgiveness, I'm always amazed at the outpouring of heartfelt comments. I grieve over the pain expressed by those who've been injured, and I pray that their mates will come to understand and appreciate the price they've paid on their behalf.
After a betrayal, forgiveness is necessary for your own healing. It's not an easy process, though, and it comes with its own set of challenges. The key challenge when forgiving infidelity is the ongoing consequences of the betrayal.
Accepting the Ongoing Consequences of the Betrayal
When a rock is thrown into the still waters of a pond, shock waves travel outward from the point of impact in ever-expanding circles. Infidelity's impact on a relationship is much the same. Unlike how the act of forgiving hurtful words or inconsiderate actions is typically a one-time, there-and-done…
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Communication with a Pregnant Affair Partner: Lessons Learned and What Worked for Us
This is not an easy journey and it will be imperfect and awkward but when the Affair Partner is pregnant as a result of infidelity, we have learned some critical lessons about how to navigate this situation with the best interest of the child at the center while still being able to heal and recover. In this blog I will discuss these lessons and what worked for us to help you.
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Healthy Heart, Healthy Mind: Discussing Healthy Coping and Connecting with Others
Woven into our basic makeup is the desire and need to “do life together”. By connecting with others - sharing openly, being honest, and not minimizing our struggles, we develop healthy stress coping mechanisms that enable us to get out of our own heads and keep our hearts and minds healthy.
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A Betrayed Spouse’s Journey: Rewriting the Past After Disclosure
Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified.
Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it!
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Today, I want to discuss a crucial step for the betrayed spouse when recovering from infidelity: letting go. And there’s a lot to this. It’s letting go of the past, letting go of your spouse’s recovery, and letting go of your former ideas of the future.
The material for this week’s article comes directly from our Harboring Hope curriculum, which was written by Leslie Hardie, LCSW, and John Mark Haney, Ph.D., LPC. This 13-week course is specifically designed to help the betrayed spouse heal and move forward in their own recovery. Some of the things we’ll be covering…
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My Spouse Had an Affair: What Should I Do Now?
After disclosure, it's common for a husband or wife in crisis to ask, What should I do next?" It's a fair question. After your world has been turned upside down by infidelity, it's difficult to know what the proper course of action is to help repair the damage. "What if my spouse is ambivalent?" is another fair question, which can dictate what steps you decide to take in the immediate future. With the uncertainty of the marriage and family swirling around both spouses, finding a unified and strategic course of action can be both challenging and frustrating, but it doesn't have to be.
Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity, our methodology has been honed to better serve couples as they address the betrayal…
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How Can You Move Past Ambivalence After Infidelity?
The Paralysis of Ambivalence: A Two-Part Series
Part 1: Is Ambivalence Common When Healing From Infidelity?
Part 2: How Can You Move Past Ambivalence After Infidelity?
The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an online guide with 100+ pages of content and a full-length video of a mentor couple who was in as big of a mess as it can get. You'll take a big sigh of relief when you have a clear plan and learn that you're neither crazy nor alone in this journey, whichever side of the infidelity you find yourself on.
Start the Free First Steps Bootcamp Now!
For many, ambivalence can feel paralyzing. Between the up-and-down, back-and-forth emotions, it seems to never end. Often, the…
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Is Ambivalence Common When Healing from Infidelity?
The Paralysis of Ambivalence: A Two-Part Series
Part 1: Is Ambivalence Common When Healing From Infidelity?
Part 2: How Can You Move Past Ambivalence After Infidelity?
Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified.
Subscribe to Registration Notifications!
Within the office walls of therapists who regularly treat infidelity, you'll hear conversations about ambivalence. The wayward spouse may tell their mate they love them, yet they are not in love with them. They say they are ready and willing to break things off with the other person, yet they may really want to be with the other person. They can't seem to make up their mind, and it's a very confusing time. This kind of ambivalence can rock the world of the betrayed spouse. When…
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Stuck? Three Methods to Get Moving in Infidelity Recovery
One truth we've learned at Affair Recovery is that it's not just time that heals wounds; it's how you spend the time that heals wounds. Often, I hear about or see couples that are just plain "stuck." The good news is you don't have to be stuck. You can move toward healing, gain momentum, and sustain, it during your recovery journey.
You might be saying to yourself, "Easier said than done, Rick." I hear you. Trust me, I do. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to move forward. Instead, I want to share how to actually get unstuck during infidelity recovery. If you're feeling frustrated, lost, or just plain stuck, I recommend using these three tips to maintain traction in your personal recovery.
1. Let Go of Discovery
There comes a point in infidelity recovery where you're going to understand what happened as well as you're ever…
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Recovering From Infidelity Pain: Are They Lying About ‘Why’?
Continue Healing at the Hope Rising Conference for Betrayed Spouses!
Recovering from infidelity pain? Take a brave step out of the turmoil and do something just for yourself. Join us for the virtual Hope Rising conference on September 30. We've planned an event only for betrayed spouses filled with hope, practical strategies and resources.
Purchase 2023 Hope Rising Tickets!
I want to start off today by saying this article is specifically for couples where both parties are involved in the recovery process. I thought Stephanie was cheating on me during our second year of marriage. Three days a week, after coming home from work, she would leave to go run with her manager, Dave. I was convinced she was cheating on me. You may also want to know he was more than 30 years her senior, overweight, newly divorced and his…
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Hope for Healing Excerpt: 'Is My Life Out of Control?'
Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited!
Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives.
"I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant.
Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below.
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Discovery: Why Do I Want to Know?
Handling the Details: A Two-Part Series
Part 1: Discovery: Processing the Details of the Affair
Part 2: Discovery: Why Do I Want to Know?
Last week, we kicked off our discussion on discovery and the processing of the numerous and overwhelming details. Today, I'd like to continue the conversation by presenting an important fact: During disclosure of the infidelity, there comes a point where more details actually hurt more than they heal. There's such a thing as knowing too much.
Yes, knowing what happened during the affair is critical for the betrayed mate to heal, but there comes a time when it's enough information to move forward. So why do betrayed partners continue to ask questions after they've gotten the details they need, figured out what happened, and wrapped…
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Discovery: Processing the Details of the Affair
Handling the Details: A Two-Part Series
Part 1: Discovery: Processing the Details of the Affair
Part 2: Discovery: Why Do I Want to Know?
Healing from the trauma of infidelity is a multi-step process. After the difficult step of disclosure comes yet another challenging process: Handling the details. How you address the details of the affair or addiction determines how the recovery process will go. But how do you share these details without causing your mate further pain? And after all this information is shared, how do you each process it in a healthy way?
In our free First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity, we walk couples through the necessary step of disclosure and how to understand the history involved in betrayal. If you haven't…
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Hope Rising 2023 Live Stream Feed
Times are in Central Time (GMT-5:00)
1-888-527-2367 | [email protected] | #hoperising
LUNCH DETAILS
Women & Men Lunch Small Groups
11:55am - 1:00pm CT
No spouses please. The Women's Lunch Small Groups are for women only and vice versa for the Men's.
WOMEN'S LUNCH GROUPS
MEN'S LUNCH GROUPS
Lunch Discussion Questions
We recommend that someone volunteer to be the group facilitator and lead the discussion.
Your group may decide to have the facilitator call on individuals to share. You could also go in
alphabetical order. Your group might also choose to spend more or less time on any given
question. This group is for YOU, so make it your own!
Share your first name and how long since discovery/disclosure.
…
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How to Get Your Mate to Cooperate (Without Being Controlling)
Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples.
This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend delivers results month after month for countless couples.
During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist - all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand - as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start…
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What Is the Cost of Forgiving Infidelity?
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Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it!
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Although there's no undoing the hurt caused by infidelity, it is possible to accept it and also accept where your life is at because of it. That's where you can begin to be free of it. Forgiveness is how you take back your power. Forgiveness is for you.
Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples.
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At EMS Weekend, I talk a lot about forgiveness and how it's a gift we give ourselves. When we fail to forgive, it can cast us as victims…
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