Ambivalence Isn't Always the End of the Marriage: Help for Those in Crisis Due to Infidelity

When couples face ambivalence in either spouse it can seem like the end, when in fact, it can be positive for the relationship.

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I am ambivalent 20 years later.

One thing I hear over and over is taking care of your self loving yourself. Just coming out of a dark 3 months of depression over an intentional retriggering by my wife. Love yourself and find peace and rebuild yourself. She is lost in this aspect and I have succumb to the fact that I don't love myself and have lost me over the 20 years. can't even get to the first step of me. Any advice would be appreciated. Stuck in the cycle. No idea what me is. Thanks for all you do. I’m desperate.

tough one for sure

Ruso, thank you for your honesty.  1. find an expert to help you heal.  if you need help email me at samuel@hope-now.com and i'll see what I can do.  2. understand that self empathy and compassion on yourself is vital.  3. see if you can find a safet community to help you heal.  this course would be ideal:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope  it opens today at 12pm if you're interested.  4. to break a cycle, you have to be determined to do whatever you can do to break it.  an expert can help.  hope to talk more soon. 

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I am sorry. I think if you find yourself and your own happiness then triggers will have a minimal impact on you. Glad you posted.

So complicated

Samuel, thanks so much for your videos! So reassuring! We're one year from D-Day and together. It's where we both say we want to be. My husband, the unfaithful, is kind and spends a lot of time with me. He's apologized and says he wants our marriage (of 30 years). For the last year, not a day goes by without me processing the affair, the grief, my complicated emotions that I don't know how to deal with often. He remains quiet and seeks to go back to"normal". I know that he's dealing internally with his own baggage from his past and the affair. I just long to know we're a team and on the same page for our marriage....how long will this quiet ambivalence last? I don't want to bring up the affair lest it be a trigger for him. So, I continue to work quietly on my own grief and healing...
Between me and God.
My husband is here and I'm thankful, but I don't know what "here" even means to him. He's changed and I feel I don't know him. Maybe ambivalence is where he is.

Thank you and applying your advice

Thank you very much for all of your guidance. My fiancé has been ambivalent most of the time since D Day. Although I tried to show her how much her betrayal hurt me, she rarely budged. I thought how could I marry this person if she doesn’t show much sympathy for hurting me and hiding behind her own pain from her affair? I finally chose to see a therapist and review AR resources. I asked her a favor, while acknowledging her own pain, I asked to please talk with someone about how her actions hurt me. Because I told her that sometimes I felt she was more focused on her pain than how her actions hurt me. She responded positively. She acknowledged she hurt me through her actions. She also shared that by seeing me in pain, crying, and being angry, that she saw her own pain. For a long time, she disregarded it because of her own feelings of shame and guilt. Not wanting to see it again, even on me. But now she acknowledges it and apologizes for hurting me. She is also seeking counseling and we agreed to see a counselor together at some point when we are ready. We are starting the work. Thank you! You are right. Ambivalence can be a good thing if it is a natural part of the recovery process. We are no longer “stuck” there and putting everything on the table, even our wedding plans, until we feel better, are closer, and can make better decisions together. Thank you AR for being there for me. I would not have made it this far without you.