Minimizing Chaos & Hopelessness: Don't Make Your Own Affair Recovery Worse by Making This Mistake

Samuel discusses one of the worst mistakes he made in his own recovery early on.

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"Minimizing Chaos" article

Hello. I'm going to try really hard to get to the point. I'm embarrassed to say that it's been 7 years since my husband confessed to his multiple affairs. I am not healed....I am not allowing myself to come out of this pain. He is very remorseful. He (we) knows why he did this. He went for special counseling and I also did and we went together. We learned alot. But we still have an emotional disconnection. After watching the video I again realize that he did not read any articles that I gave him, he did not read on his own. When I asked him to, he said he would, but he didn't. So he has never really tried to learn on his own how I feel. He tells me all the time that he knows that what he has done has 'broken' me and tries to understand. I feel that we have not hit 'rockbottom' in all this. There is alot that we need to expose about our relationship. I'm not sure he is willing to do this because......he is a man that does not like to come out of his comfort zone...ever. I've said enough hear....Just want to get your opinion.
Thank you so much!

sounds like you have to go all in my friend...

to me it appears you'll need to go all in.  the best help, the best program and go all in like a poker game and give it one last chance.  if not, i'm fearful of what the future may look like.  i'm also fearful of what life will remain if you don't perhaps draw a line in the sand and say something like 'we need expert help....i'm not going to live like this the rest of my life and marriage.'  I would also then ask him to do something like our ems weekend virtually and commit to it.  these two articles will help with an approach on how to handle it with him:  and this one too:

What if the unfaithful suffers from depression

Hello Sam,
I am writing to you after around 3 months that my husband’s affair has been revealed. I am not seeing much effort from his side, I don’t think he is sure he made a right choice by staying in the marriage! we started couple counseling few weeks after the “reveal date” and after that he finally ended his affair and he started his own individual therapy as well. Hi is diagnosed with depression. I am in pain and he is too. I am not how we can heal in a situation like this.
I am looking forward for your opinion.

lots of options...

for starters, if he's been clinically diagnosed with depression, it's time for meds or some sort of mild meds to help him.  also, i would consider something like emdr and ett that can help him on a professional expert level.  i would also do one of our online courses as well as consider our ems weekend.  you can still do work while being depressed.  it's tough, but it's possible and the marriage requires that level of commitment if it's going to have any chance at healing.  

Thank you

Oh Samuel, what I wouldn’t give for my husband to have a friend like you. While he’s home, trying to get out of the fog of his affair, he’s not doing nearly enough. He lacks empathy and isn’t trying to gain it. He lacks male friends who would, as you once sad, bring him behind the woodshed. And he’s trying to detox on his own, which is not a good idea.

I, on the other hand, joined the course for the betrayed. I am going to survive this with, or without him. While I battle ambivalence... I am doing what the course taught me ... try to be patient! He might come out of this and we could have a better marriage than ever. I do see glimpses of hope from time to time. But if that’s not the case, I can get healthy, being a help for someone else ... and be healthy for a possible new relationship. I will get thru this!

We have a terminally ill child, our only child ... so our marriage had a lot stacked against us already. What my husband doesn’t see, his affair was an escape to him ... he ran away from a sick child, a tough marriage, mounting bills, etc ... but he took everything I had left to cling to. I always thought that if we lost our child, we’d have each other. Not only is that no longer the case, he also destroyed our home, because I know his sneaky lies and deceptive behavior took place from here. The lack of empathy, his oblivion to the damage he caused in me, is destroying my love for him, as he blames, defends and deflects. He is self absorbed. I knew he was broken before. I loved him flaws and all. But he’s downright lost his mind now. What I wouldn’t give for a Samuel, a Rick Reynolds or Wayne Baker to enter his life. Can’t find anyone like that in these parts ... I would give my paycheck for just a phone call with him! He needs friends. He doesn’t have many.

If only he would keep watching videos. In all this mess, I never saw such clarity as the night he watched “Will I always feel this way about my affair partner.” He watched numerous videos after .... seemed like a new man .... but then he stopped. It’s his loss really. I also read the article: “Why do cheaters affair down?” ... it was eye opening. The average person always affairs down ... less attractive, lower morals. It made sense. My husband AP is not attractive at all. It shook me initially because I thought that I must be ugly if she’s his cup of tea. But now I know ... My husband didn’t choose her ... she chose him. Once she validated his toxic behavior, her looks no longer mattered. He didn’t get the confident woman who has 5 guys chasing her, she would never have given him the time of day. She could do better than a liar and cheater. He ended up with his AP simply because she had low self esteem, low morals, and was willing. He was one of numerous sexual partners after her divorce. He won no prize. In fact, she was a predator ... she not only knew about me, she knew about our sick child and preyed on a depressed man going thru a mid life crisis. Make no mistake ... my husband is guilty. Not giving him a pass in any of this. But it takes two and she’s an equal bully to the betrayed. If my husband doesn’t get healthy, they deserve each other. Thank God for affair recovery. Once I get well, renewed marriage or not ... I want to help others. You’re helping me reclaim my life. Thank you! God bless you!

honored to be a friend to you right now

i know it's a tough time and i'm sure you're running on empty.  you sound incredibly courageous my friend.  i'm honored to simply be a friend and a voice to you during a tough time.  this isn't the end though.....there is time ahead to heal and grow and see change.  i'll be praying.  if your husband wants a quick chat, tell him to email and i'll see what i can do. 

Thank you again

Thank you so much. I will mention it to him. He might get upset that I posted a comment but I'm tired of isolation. Before I found AR and my betrayed group, I spoke to no one. It was such a dark place. Even if I was a terrible wife, I don't deserve what happened. Tough marriages add vulnerabilities, but they are not an excuse for cheating. Our child's illness is devastating. I can barely breath through that some days. I can understand wanting to run away. But it's never the answer. I know, my husband is not healthy right now. I wanted him to take EMSO with me. But honestly, if he came to me and told me that he will be taking the course for the unfaithful by himself, I would be elated. I want us to heal as friends, if not as husband and wife. I believe that AR doesn't just save marriages, it saves lives.

Good morning. Samuel. My

Good morning. Samuel. My husband and I have done EMSO, he’s done Hope 4 Healing and I’ve done Harboring Hope. All along, it was trickle truth. The 2 affairs took place in the first 5 years of our marriage. I knew of 1st one which started 1 month after our wedding a I didn’t know. Of course, he said no. Then I emailed AR to inquire about a polygraph. He saw the email and finally through me begging to know if there was more and him feeling like he was backed into a corner, he told me that he had written a love song 26 years ago for his AP and has continued to sing it all these years even in the last year. Playing guitars and doing sing alongs are one of the things that his parents and siblings like to do as a family together. He has sang this song in front of me many times, in front of his family, even in the last year. It broke my heart. He said he tried to make the song into something else. How does one make a love song to their AP into something else? I am heart broken. I love him and we both want this to work. I feel that there will never be an end to this. . The polygraph is a must for me to continue. I am just not sure what to do. Any advice, would be so appreciated.
Sincerely, Theresa

hi there...thank you for reaching out...

for one, i'm terribly sorry.  i know that's awful to hear and i know that's awful to have to wrap your mind around.  it's understandable for you to ask him to shred that song, never sing it again and have it die a miserable death.  it should.  here's what i would recommend, graciously, but yet firmly.  1. do a polygraph asap.  2. ask him if not then demand he do the ems weekend with you as it's much different than the ems online course.  3. ask him to do that asap as well as the polygraph.  i would then tell him you're just not sure if you want or can live in this marriage, but you need expert help to decide.  if he's not willing to do those things, you'll need to draw boundaries and enforce them so he knows you're serious and this isn't optional. 


Thank you for your guidance.

Thank you for your guidance. I appreciate you taking the time to reply back.

Difference between stonewalling and setting boundaries...

Hi Samuel,

My husband won't stop seeing his affair partner. I am trying to set the boundaries as you suggested of not being intimate with him but it's also making me not want to talk to him at all (stonewall), ignore his "sweet" messages, and push him away (ambivalence loving him, then pushing him away) because I'm still in love with him and I'm scared of being sucked in emotionally which has been our cycle. He says he is in love with me but has to keep her around due to him losing money (she works for him). He said they sleep together still because it's familiar to them. (Double life for 5 years...just found out last August. :-() I don't know what to do. We have 4 children together.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas