"I Was Living in Denial" - An Interview With a Betrayed Male Spouse

Samuel interviews a betrayed male spouse who shares his journey of overcoming denial and comparison.

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One of your Best V-Blogs to Date

Samuel I am the betrayed and have been trying since my first D-Day 7/2000 to get my WW to try and work on US. The AP was my best friend since 1966. My last D-Day was 12/31/2019 which was a one night stand 3 years prior to our Marriage in 1982. We have been together since 1976. It took close to 20 Years for her to do her Timeline with my help. I'm in week 6 of HH and my Wife is in week 5 of H4H. We also singed up for the May 15-17 Virtual EMS Weekend as soon as we saw they were going that way. I have struggled with this everyday for the last 20 Years and have never given up on making this work. Do you think this will really help us get the results we need and I so Hope for?

Thanks for doing what you're doing,
Dave

so glad you reached out

i absolutely believe this will be the help you so desperately need and want and have been looking for.  there's no safer, more expert driven place in the US than us my friend and I truly believe this will be what you need and want.  you'll be safe with our staff for sure and be able to find the help, momentum and perspective not to mention tools you both need to finally gain some momentum.

 

That's all I can Pray and Hope for

Thanks for the quick response Samuel. As her AP had been my best friend for so long I've had no one to talk to or try and help me through this except her. I seem to have done everything wrong for the last 20 years. Tried to hard to get her back to the light which only pushed her further away. She was in the Fog for what seemed like forever. The courses we both are in now seem to be helping both of us put recovery in perspective now. I only wish I had found AR so many years ago. I have never given up Hope but Damn it's been a long hard road.

Best Weekend Ever!!!

Samuel how did you know? Buy far the best money we ever spent on something we should have never needed to go through, if only the communication lines had never turned just one-way. This past weekend helped so Much we can not even begin to thank John our small group leader and the rest of the AR EMS Crew. It was above and beyond anything we could have Hoped for. We met 4 other Amazing Couples wanting the same thing we were looking for. We believe we now have 8 new Life Long Friends. Our small group ranged from California to Uganda. We came so much further in 3 days than the past long 20 years.

Thanks Again,
Dave and Jennie

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your courage and willingness to give. I just finished reading a book by the guy who worked with Elizabeth Kubler Ross writing her five stages of grief book. He has taken her work one step further--- step six---"Finding Meaning". I believe we all need to find meaning after the death of the marriage we thought we had, whether or not there is reconciliation or divorce.

That said...

I love his comment:

"People are who they are and they don't change just because we need them too."

- David Kessler, "Finding Meaning"

To healing

Betrayal,decisions,coping and understanding

So nice to hear from the male betrayed perspective. Although listening to it has triggered me and I am sitting here with tears running down my face. My DDay was Jan 2015 and I am still not sure I can get past this or if our marriage can be saved. My husband did the 17weeek small mens group last year and although he said it helped him it seems more like just ticking boxes to me. I just don't feel like he is showing the remorse or has made amends. To me it feels hollow and continuing on with this relationship is like living with a person who committed a crime and has got away with it. I know that staying will just eat me away inside with rottenness and I will eventually hate myself. I have been diagnosed with PTSD over this and the way and what I discovered is etched into my being. Yet, I want to know that I have tried everything before I leave and am sure that he either won't or can't change. I have never read about an affair that has been like my husbands. He left as a way of escaping what had become a pretty miserable marriage. He left because the AP offered him a roof over his head albeit at a cost of taking out a loan and taking over her mortgage. But he had no affection for, the sex was awful...she just lay there. He has admitted he had no commitment to her and wasn't attracted to her physically or mentally. He admits that he just used her as she did him. The attraction was a roof over his head and that he thought he could behave and do what he liked there and not be held to account. She was a door mat and did let him do what he wanted as she had her own agenda and it seems never actually liked him much as a person but liked his wallet better. At this stage his salary was listed online with the company he worked for and it was pretty hefty at the time.As a FIFO worker he saw her on his way home from work on his rostered breaks and actually moved in with her for a period of 7 weeks......I thought he was overseas working. But he had moved in. I got sent bank docs for the loan (oops!) and knew immediately when I opened the envelope that my world had just exploded underneath me. I was with my 17 yr. old son,, and could not hide anything. It was obvious he wanted out of the marriage, having gone into debt with her. She had 4 kids....and yes, that is what he said he wanted. This all came out whilst he was in Africa working and when we first met up to talk things through he then wanted to come back. It turns out (no surprises)that she was 9 yrs younger and a real gold digger. He has low self esteem a lot of pride and self entitlement, conflict avoidance and passive aggressive behaviour. She was a doormat who flattered him and pushed the relationship along. I would not be that doormat and will never be. I just can't get my head around the fact that he didn't leave for love or affection as he wasn't getting any of that from her. Our marriage was pretty bad..married 30 years with 3 sons...I had bee communicating with him about problems and seeing a therapist but he wouldn't and all I got from him on his last RR at home was a sentence saying "I'm not happy" I could handle it better if she was someone he liked and was giving what was missing in our marriage but she wasn't. I often thought during that 17 week course how much I would have liked and learnt by being able to listen and ask questions of the unfaithful men in the group other than my husband. To me, I can see that that would have been so helpful to get into the brain of another betrayed and gain some more insight from others in the same boat as my husband.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. It's all out now.

Thanks this gave me hope

I recently discovered that my wife had an affair with her ex colleague; it few weeks since I discovered, this gives me so much hope and I'm thankful for great advice and lessons shared. It will really go a long way in making me with recovery work

So helpful

I am a betrayed spouse and I can't tell you how helpful this video was. Thank you, thank you! His courage to talk about this is so admirable.

I needed this

This video came at exactly the right time. My D-day was in October 2019 after my UW had a 4-6 month affair. She begged to work on the marriage and that she never intended to leave the marriage. We have done intense couple's counseling and individual counseling. At the six month mark she stated she has done everything she can do, made amends, and can look back and say she has no regrets. Last Friday, she asked for an in-house separation, with the kicker that she wants to be able to date other people. Her goal is to live like this until our kids are out of the house (10+ years). When I asked her if she has already started reaching out to other people, she said it was none of my business and she is setting boundaries with me. Unfortunately, that is not something I can handle and this video helped me realize what all of this is -- gaslighting and emotional abuse. The decision is now mine as to what I need to do for both my health and my kids' health.

I love all of your videos, this is one of the best

Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I think betrayed male spouses do have unique pains to deal with, but also what strikes me is how similar and universal the trauma is to all betrayed spouses. This was both comforting and uplifting! My most recent D-Day was last month, June 11 2020, and this gives me hope for the future. Thank you again!

Video blog of betrayed male

Alejandro, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a betrayed female who is divorced from my spouse of 20 plus years. I am also a divorce attorney. The pain of my spouse's infidelity and the breach of trust was unbearable. I was heartbroken and I desperately attempted to save my marriage for the benefit of my family, as did you. I may have held on even longer than I should have because of what I do as a profession and knowing the repercussions of divorce. In the end, my marriage was not salvageable. Your insight into your healing process and the example that there can be light and happiness again in the future is so helpful. From a professional perspective, I really want to thank you for your comments on how you coparent with your former spouse for the benefit of the children after infidelity rocks their world. I know it cannot be easy and that it takes really placing the kids first. I hope that people who watch this will be able to see how doing the work to heal when you are betrayed is so very important because there are kids who need their parents to work together to see goodness and positivity and that they matter the most. Your comments will be inspirational to others. Also, thank you for the comments on how faith played your role in healing by bringing joy and peace back to your life. I couldn't agree more and God saved me at my darkest hours. Best wishes.