Understanding Why Frustration Is so Problematic: Help for the Betrayed and Unfaithful Spouse

Samuel provides necessary support for couples who are trying to heal from infidelity.

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Frustration from shame

What I’ve observed is that when I’m struggling as a betrayed spouse, my husband gets frustrated from a place of guilt and shame. If I’m doing well then he can forget for a time what he did to wound me so grievously; but if I’m NOT handling things well, it’s a fresh reminder to him of the great harm that he inflicted and he gets frustrated, “I can’t get anything right! Nothing that I do is good enough!”
And he’s right. Nothing he can do will ever make what was done right; but there is One who can make wrong things right. When we surrender the struggle to the Lord, when we admit our striving to right wrongs is in vain and that only God can truly heal, then we can let go of the shame that is the source of the frustration. When my husband prays for my healing, and when he stands broken and grieving before the Lord admitting he’s weak and powerless, then I feel safe.

Managing My Triggers & Gaining Emotional Stabilization

As the unfaithful, I am having a hard time managing my reactions and thoughts that are a result of the "backlash" I receive from my betrayed partner. Currently, he describes himself as "extremely angry & severely emotionally damaged". He tends to rage, lash out and lets me know that I at this point haven't changed and am still a "bad person". I tell myself not to take it personal, b/c this behavior if stemming from a place of hurt.

His spiteful comments (which he has the right to have and express) at times will get the best of me & as a result I will respond in defense and that leads to a "verbal sparring match"... he then will discredit all the progress I've made while in therapy and will insist that I haven't changed. This crushes me to the core, b/c I have in fact made progress however will fall short to triggers at times.

I'm developing a strategy to "self soothe" and recognize the "triggers" to keep me from reacting. However, I'm having an extremely difficult time maintaining my mental resilience. My partner has told me on multiple occasions that I'm going to have to "eat the crap that's served to me" and that I shouldn't spar with him to make him upset due to the subservient position I've put myself in.

Am I being insensitive to the damage I've caused and not wanting to "lie in the bed, I've made for myself"... or am I being overly sensitive to my partners comments regarding my progress and need to get thicker skin?

i'm sorry.....

this is a common scenario my friend, especially with betrayed males.  i'm so sorry for the pain you're in.  how long ago was disclosure?  fact is, hey may have ptsd.  he may be shaming you out of anger and resentment and he's not sure how to process all the pain he's in.  there are a few scenarios, but i think you have to decide how long you can take this?  i know it's awful....however, remember he's in pain and feeling trauma.  perhaps a separation may need to take place if he refuses to work on the anger and shaming and if he refuses expert help?  what sort of help are you all getting?