Hi Samuel,
Thanks for this latest video, I have relied greatly on yours and Wayne's videos for over a year in my recovery. You can share my info with him if he has a comment for me. I am glad to see you are including content for those of us that are not able or willing to heal the marriage. Though most of the videos give great insight on the unfaithful's mind and actions, I find that many are geared toward healing the relationship (obviously I understand why) and that leaves some of us out as we have no intention or hope of the relationship making it. I have come to grips with the fact that my UH has moved on but my question is, how do I get past the fact that he never owned the actions or destruction, never apologized nor made any amends and in fact only minimized, justified, and blamed.
Our marriage was over 30 years and we have been separated almost 2 years and estranged for 6 months (his choice).
He was living a double life, one foot in the church (actively participating), one foot in the world. I only found out of his acting out because he overdosed on drugs and required medical attention (what a blindside), subsequently all the information of the acting out was found on his phone. He was talking sex with a handful of women a few half his age, dating one (denies having sex with her but definitely talked sex with her) did go out, go to her home, party with her. He was involved in many street drugs and alcohol as well as marijuana. Admitted to porn and also spoke alcohol and drugs to the women, offered to purchase or share both with them. Subsequently I found out there had been lies woven throughout the marriage and the lies continued after D day. Since the separation there has been a handful of jobs and an out of state move on his part as well as out of control debt of his alone.
I see a therapist and my pastor on a normal basis for my own intervention.
So Samuel, I find I am still struggling in my own healing because when something comes up that involves him in any way I am thrown for a loop. I get anxious and angry and afraid all over again. I am otherwise functioning well when I hear nothing about him, I am active in my church, working, have many close friends and family, etc. I have no vices, no drugs, no alcohol, and no addictions, never have.
What can you tell me that will help me deal with the fact that I will never get any apologies from him, he will never own it. I need to move on with my life but he reappears because we share children and grandchildren. I want to be able to not be thrown into a tailspin whenever his name is mentioned. I have accepted that he has moved on but apparently have not accepted that he still denies any wrong doing and has no interest in owning the destruction he caused. Only one of his children will even speak to him because of all this. I don't need him in my life, but I NEED to know how to not be thrown for a loop if I have to face him or hear from him. All I ever wanted was for him to own it and make amends for what he caused his family, I guess I am not going to get that and want to move on with my life despite that fact. The acting out hurt tremendously, but no where near the denial, minimizing, justifying, and not owning it. Like I said, I do very well until something about him pops up from time to time. Then, I feel like I am tossed into the whirlwind again. What should I do to get past this? I am working on my own healing and trying very hard to move on on my own.

My d-day was over three years ago now. I've been listening to your blogs for years now and while most are about marriage healing I find gems like this one to be so encouraging. While I wanted to save the marriage, engaged in affair recovery activity, my now ex-wife only wanted to 'just move on' with no work or healing. She chose to remain in contact with the affair partner and chose to do nothing but say 'just get over it'. Eventually I had to give her the ultimatum and faced the reality that she was moving on. Everything you said is true, and once I accepted this, faced the pain, engaged the healing process I found myself returning to a life of joy, true joy. This isn't want I thought my life would be today but I have a real peace about what happened and a real excitement about my life to come. I encourage anyone who is in this position to listen to this blog many times! I'm now finding opportunities to use what happened to me as a way to help other men in the same position. As someone told me, "never let a good tumor go to waste". I intend to do just that!

Hi Samuel, thanks for the great video.
For me, the situation could not be worse. He left and I only found out about the affair 2 years later, he has been in a long-distance relationship with the AP since before he started acting strange. We were 25 years together since we were really young and everyone thought of us as the perfect couple. He was my rock and my best friend and became a monster. The best father did not hesitate to leave me with a 3 and 6-year old to be with a woman that is nothing but plain and awful. I wonder if he will ever regret anything or if he already did and is too proud. It doesn't matter anymore I guess since he is gone and I tried to live in denial for a while but it finally sunk in. He never talked to me about the affair, said he was sorry, nothing. I feel so betrayed and abandoned I don't think I will ever recover. How I wish he would have the same insights you do and would be willing to work on things, I just can't accept that my "soul mate" was a lie. I still catch myself coming here trying to look for hope but this video was eye opening. Thanks.