For the Betrayed: It Is OK to Disappoint Others - Healing from Infidelity

Hi, my name is Rachel, and I want to talk about why letting others down and disappointing others is a necessary part of your recovery. Now, listen, I know that this seems like a silly topic, and it's not going to be relevant to all of you, but I really wanted to reach out to my sisters and my brothers who do struggle with the idea of letting other people down who hate the idea of disappointing another human who may tend to say yes often. And who have some people pleasing tendencies, but in recovery is a time in which your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual well-being is just kind of in upheaval, right?

I mean, there's just so much going on. Your world has been flipped on its axis, the rug pulled out from under your feet. And so it may seem ludicrous to think that something like people pleasing or avoiding disappointment will even be a thing during your recovery. But I can wager about that if you had these tendencies or these events prior to your discovery, you may find them coming back in as you're trying to heal and recover.

I know for myself as a person who did struggle in these areas and still does at times, I did not realize that it would pop back into my recovery. You know, the people in my life are used to me functioning in a certain way. I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a daughter, sister, friend, business owner, and people are used to me giving of myself, giving a lot of my time, my energy, my resources.

And so when some of that started to change for me, some people didn't really know what to do about that. In one such instance, a few months into my recovery, I had hosted a friend and her kids to come and stay with me and my daughters. I thought that at that point I felt up to the task. But it was a wonderful time.

We truly had a great connection. Time played with water balloons with the kids and copious amounts of ice cream. However, the second to last day, she was there, we had some change in plans. I was not up to going out and getting our group more ice cream. I was tired. I had been triggered earlier that day and I just didn't feel up for it.

And my friend I think was probably pretty disappointed that she couldn't get the ice cream, but also the fact that I had changed my mind at the last minute really bothered her. And so she called me a flake. And you know, that really bothered me because I didn't like disappointing others. I was the type who did follow through on my word.

And so seeing that I was starting to change in those areas kind of bothered me at first. But I'll tell you what I realized. The more that I delved into my recovery, the more opportunities I had to say no or I'm sorry, I can't do that right now. I can't take that on right now. And, you know, there were some people in my life who really understood that and who could respect that and honor that.

But there were other people in my life who couldn't understand and who didn't like me saying no to them. And so I want to encourage those of you who do struggle and have some people pleasing tendencies. You know, this is a time in which the priority is you make John and Leslie talk about in the Hovering Hope class.

This is a time when you can take extras off your plate and really use your time and energy and resources to recover and to heal and to focus on your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. It's a time to also surround yourself with individuals who can respect your boundaries, who can show you grace, compassion and understanding.

And it's equally important to show those same things to yourself. Bernie Brown reminds us Boundaries are about having the courage to love ourselves, even if we risk disappointing others, we will disappoint others as we recover. But the important thing is to try not to disappoint yourself. Take good care of yourself, give yourself grace, show yourself understanding and compassion.

I'm with you and I'm for you And can't wait until we meet again. Until then, take care of yourself.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas