Have you ever wanted to fix something so badly that you'd trade anything to figure out how to undo the damage? Those who have been caught in an affair know what this place feels like.

When their affair or addiction is discovered, the pain and shock on the betrayed mate's face and the sound of their voice – whether it's screams, cries or silence – is something that neither will soon forget. All of the secrets and lies come out of the woodwork and are on full display.

In that moment, there is nowhere to hide and it is an understatement to say that for both the betrayed and the wayward, it can feel like the world is closing in around you.

Up until discovery, most wayward spouses have been living under the illusion that no one would ever know. Most also carry a false and naive arrogance that they can somehow escape the harsh reality of consequences.

Friendships...likely gone.
Trust...incinerated.
Jobs or reputation...possibly ruined.
And hope...not even a chance.

The Power of Self-Hatred

Wayward partners, I know you've experienced this to your core. Every lie you've told, every relationship you've damaged, every mistake you've made is now front and center in the spotlight...which adds a weight to an already crushing feeling of guilt and regret.

What do you fear all of this says about you?

You must be weak. You are most definitely a failure. You are completely untrustworthy. You have ruined everything and your mate is in so much pain upon discovery that in the next days, weeks, and months, there is a dark and looming feeling that everything in your life has been destroyed or is beyond repair.

There is a unique kind of shame that comes when you are caught in this kind of lying and pattern of behavior. Not only do you hear the accusatory statements, but perhaps the question you are asking of yourself: How could I?

As you hear your mate make exclamations such as, "I don't even know who you are anymore," you may be starting to ask yourself the same question.

I remember much of my own fear and turmoil when my infidelity was discovered. Truthfully, none of my fear of judgment from others compared to the contempt and hatred I felt towards myself. In my own pain and loneliness, my hate for myself only grew stronger.

In this dark place, you may have found, as I did, that apparently rock bottom does have a basement. It is in the place of desperation, while unpleasant, that you take the first step towards transformation. Sometimes, desperation can push us to action when it seems nothing else will.

There is one imperative concept that all wayward spouses start to learn if they want to grow: compassion.

Why Compassion?

What? Compassion? There is no way you deserve this after what you have done!

It's easy to spiral into more self-hatred, defensiveness, and further lying. However, those behaviors towards yourself are ultimately more punitive and will keep you stuck.

Stopping the cycle of beating yourself up and living in shame takes a lot of time. Self-compassion isn't going to fix or change what has happened. Honesty and accountability are certainly important parts of the healing process, but it is going to be compassion that makes the process more bearable.

If your inner critic is speaking loudly right now, compassion may feel like a weak or pathetic excuse. However, it is the only way you will be able to tolerate the pain and the shame of facing what you've done. Much like the flavoring that your kids used to get when they were prescribed those awful liquid antibiotics, compassion is going to be what helps us withstand the gravity and weight of what we have done.

How do you begin to learn self-compassion?

Start to ask yourself hard questions. How critical are you? Do you expect perfectionism out of yourself? When we can begin to remove some of our own self-judgment, we can begin to make room for more curiosity and understanding of what led us to such perceived moral failure in the first place.

Most of you who are struggling with this right now, let me ask you a question: Would you ever say to a friend the same critical things you are saying to yourself these days?

I used to always tell myself that I would never be like my dad. My dad, now deceased, struggled with addictions his entire life. I witnessed, firsthand, what infidelity did in my own parent's marriage. Unconsciously, I vowed to never be like him.

I never viewed my dad from a place of compassion. For a long time in my life, I harshly judged the pain he inflicted through his addictions. It was not until I was able to begin to give myself compassion after my infidelity that I had any room to understand myself or my past, or my dad's past, any differently.

Compassion means choosing gentleness over punishment.

Compassion is what helps us separate who we really are from who we think we should be.

Compassion will allow the enemy within ourselves to transform into someone who can hold ourselves accountable without cruelty.

Compassion is ultimately the antidote to shame and defensiveness.

Your mate will not be able to offer much compassion as they are working through their own pain of betrayal. This is why it is going to be imperative that you figure out how to self-generate this. It will feel counterintuitive at times.

Your mate will need an abundance of patience, understanding, kindness—and compassion. If you've ever heard the saying, you can't offer water from a dry well, the same is true here. What we lack inside, we cannot offer to someone else.

Can you recall the famous fable of the Lion and the Mouse? A mighty lion was sleeping when a small mouse accidentally ran across his nose and woke him. Enraged, the lion caught the mouse with his paw, intending to kill it. The mouse begged for mercy, saying, "Please let me go, and one day I'll return the favor." The lion mocked and laughed at the idea that something so small and insignificant could ever help him, but he decided to let the mouse go.

Later, the lion was caught in a hunter's net. He struggled but couldn't escape. Hearing the lion's roars, the mouse came running. He gnawed through the ropes and set the lion free.

Compassion may seem like it is a small, insignificant thing in the grand scheme of healing from the damage caused by infidelity. However, learning self-compassion is what helped me to stop tearing myself apart for what I had done. Mistaking harshness for strength, I found that compassion is what ultimately allowed me the much-needed room to finally breathe and develop empathy for myself, my mate, and others.

Learning self-compassion requires practicing it. Discover a community of others also looking to silence the self-hatred they experience by joining Hope For Healing, a 17-week course specifically for wayward spouses.