How many of you have heard of others questioning or thought yourself: If I stay in the marriage after an affair, how will I ever know I'm not just "Plan B"? If so, you are not alone. After finding out that one partner in a committed relationship has had a secret life with another person, it is very natural and common to question this exact thing. Like it or not, the partner who has to discover the affair will receive an automatic one-way ticket to feeling rejected—for a long time. Most certainly, you find yourselves at a destination you never saw coming and a place you never wanted to be.

Our emotions, particularly the most painful ones, cut so deeply. These emotions, such as rejection, do not allow us much room to rationalize. Like an emotional vending machine, when we take rejection in, out comes the best notion we can come up with at the time that will allow us to tolerate the pain. Whether the rejection from a relationship, a job we had interviewed for and didn't get, or getting picked last on a team (anyone remember kickball at elementary recess?), we all naturally assume one of two things. I must not be what they want. Or, I am not good enough.

When it comes to infidelity, it's too easy to think, The affair partner had to have been what my mate wanted all along. Or, Why would they have risked everything and done what they have done?

How is someone who has been betrayed ever to know if they are what their mate truly wants?

I recall in the aftermath of dealing with my infidelity, my mate asked one certain question many times in the first year. Back in those day, I had an uncanny ability to make almost everything about me, and I possessed little ability to hear questions and not let them put me into a defensive posture or a downward shame spiral. Nevertheless, I naively and desperately would try to answer this question by pleading or yelling back, "YOU ARE NOT PLAN B!" I don't recommend that, by the way.

Looking back, had I had the ability or insight to see things differently, I would offer a much different answer. Can you consider this: Rather than a person ever being "Plan B," infidelity is never "Plan A."

If you are wondering if you can ever get back to Plan A, if reconciliation is to occur, there are a couple of thoughts for each partner to consider.

For the wayward partner:

It is important to begin to see your journey going forward as a simple bilateral decision. That means that recovery is not simply choosing between one life where you go back to your spouse with your tail between your legs and the other life where you leave to go be with your affair partner. Thinking of it like that still makes life about you. A more humble approach is to first consider the dishonesty and secret-keeping you have displayed. No matter what you choose, healing will only occur if you rediscover your deeper, authentic self.

Have you started to accept and understand the deception you displayed towards the person you once made a commitment with? Are you still trying to defend, explain, or justify what you did or why it's "their fault"? Or are you overly concerned right now with how unjustly you feel your mate has been acting since they found out about the betrayal?

Repentance and repair will require you to own that Plan A was to be honest. Or in many cases, it might mean accepting that Plan A would have been to ask for help and go to your spouse when you felt distant, unfulfilled, or angry...instead of either holding it inside or choosing to develop an addiction or pursue an affair as a way to escape reality.

Honesty in recovery will require a commitment to disclose to your mate what happened that they do not know about. If you would like for your partner to one day be able to forgive you, you have to realize they cannot forgive what they do not know. If you need help figuring out what full disclosure looks like, then you may want to check out a piece one of our therapists, Wayne Baker, did on the subject: Discovery: Part 1 - How to Handle Discovery | Affair Recovery

For the Betrayed Partner:

It seems reasonable to justify that if what you believed to be Plan A failed, then why would it be worth it to try to trust again? After all, if Plan A isn't what my mate wanted, then surely I must not be enough. And if they stay in the marriage, they are just settling for what they never wanted, right?

When trying to walk through the shockwaves of discovering betrayal, it is important to be reminded that you have every right to your feelings. The confusion you feel is valid! Infidelity was never something you wanted or asked for, and the blind sidedness of it all has likely caused a massive amount of instability and insecurity in your life. Your mate went back on their word. The person you depended on has gone back on their word, and that is not okay.

However, I'd like for you to at least consider two questions that can enable you to move forward so you can get your life back.

First of all, what would happen if you tried to get past seeing yourself as "Plan A" or "Plan B"? While it can be difficult for all of us to see beyond our feelings at times, the simple truth is you are likely doing the best you can with the amount of hurt, pain, and information you have received. That is a lot to carry! Shifting the focus even one step could mean that you begin to give yourself permission to stop seeing yourself as something "less than," but rather someone who is shouldering a very difficult and heavy load.

The second question I'd invite all who are going through recovery from betrayal to consider: Rather than seeing yourself as Plan B, have you ever allowed yourself to take a break or a step back from the place of comparison and inadequacy?

It can be very difficult to peel back the layers of pain, but one of the most heartbreaking aspects of betrayal is seeing people start to believe the lies of doubt and shame that directly tie back to that place of rejection – the lie that says, I must not be enough. I know it can be a long shot to even consider what I am about to ask, but...

It definitely will take time to begin to separate what happened to your relationship from your feelings about it all, but the hope in all of this is that each of you to begin to see yourself as you truly are - adequate, strong, resilient, etc. What happened to you was unloving, disappointing, and most certainly not what you had signed up for.

Moving forward for both partners:

Would you like help exploring what an amended "Plan A" looks like? If you have not done so, we urge you to take a step closer to considering one of our online communities full of people that not only speak the same language as you, but can empathize with the place you are in. It can feel impossible to begin to start a conversation with your mate following the discovery of the infidelity. Explore our EMS Online or EMS Weekend, designed for the couple to attend together or consider our program just for betrayed spouses, Harboring Hope, or our program just for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing. We are here to help jump start your healing journey!