Are silence, avoidance, and frustration killing your recovery?

One of my first jobs was working logistics for a barge company. If you have no idea what a barge even is, you've likely seen a towboat on a river with a string of containers that look like railway box cars floating behind.

Most of us may have never given much thought to the importance of this type of freight that moves massive quantities of grain, steel, and other commodities throughout the inland waterways of our country, however, one thing is important to remember.

All rivers flow downstream towards the ocean.

With moving barge freight, whether empty or full, it always takes twice as much time to move cargo up a river than down a river. What would take only one day to go down river will take two days to go back inland.

If you and your partner feel stuck in a pattern of silence, avoidance, or frustration, getting out of it is not impossible, but it is going to be much like towing a barge upstream. It is going to be uncomfortable and require an immense amount of energy. You will feel like giving up and let the current take you back to where you came from, but there is a healing destination up the river for your marriage that's worth it!

Infidelity disrupts the flow and rhythm any couple once had or thought they had prior to discovery. The trauma that the betrayed spouse is facing, paired with the enormity of either the shame or ambivalence the wayward spouse is carrying, can create a vacuum that sucks the life right out of the relationship. This pain, isolation, and emotional distance can leave you both feeling very empty.

What once felt like a natural flow in your relationship can make you feel awkward and doubtful of the security of the relationship. The pain of infidelity causes the distance between you to feel wider every day.

Many times, one partner has no literal clue what is happening inside the heart and mind of their mate. If you have little trust in your ability to know where to go from here, you aren't alone! Should you proceed as if you did before discovery? The simplest questions about your schedule and daily life can suddenly become very complex. Are you being too demanding? If you don't say anything, does your mate perceive this as avoiding? Do you do nothing? Should you confront them? Should you make them talk? And if you do, how should you do this?

How to Combat Silence, Avoidance, and Frustration

In the aftermath of infidelity, chances are that you and your mate have had more than several conversations that have not gone well. There has likely been emotional flooding, defensiveness, accusations, minimization, retaliation, and an entire bookshelf of damaging things you have said to one another. These bad experiences have left both of you wanting to avoid conflict and likely withdraw from future conversation, for fear it will turn into conflict.

If you can relate to this, you are not alone! There is much to risk if you try to initiate connection. Your mate could further withdraw from you or become angry if you make an attempt at connection.

If you are feeling isolated from your partner, you likely need affirmation for your efforts to move toward your mate. If you feel frustrated, stuck, or isolated because you aren't getting anywhere with your mate, start here:

1 - Begin with humility.

Bryan Stevenson, activist and author of the book Just Mercy, shares his concept of humility, as he describes his view of a condemned prisoner.

Before we write a story in our head about what could be going on with our mate, we sometimes need to remember that we lack information.

No matter what side of infidelity you have been on, your approach and attitude toward your mate will color all your conversations. Shared brokenness reminds us that we are not the only ones having bad days, withdrawing, or getting angry.

2. Ask permission.

When the relationship is on shaky ground, as infidelity tends to create...it is imperative we get back to a place of courtesy. Think about how you prefer to be treated. Most of the time, you never mind if someone asks you about what you would want or need before they proceed with a conversation. Try: May I ask you a question? Are you in the middle of something or can I take ten minutes of your time? Do you mind if I share with you something that is important to me?

This can feel unnatural for us at first. You may feel your mate doesn't deserve courtesy and if that is the case, you will need to go back to step one of practicing humility before proceeding. Getting in the habit of asking for permission creates goodwill towards your relationship, no matter how damaged it may seem. It demonstrates that you care, and you recognize that it's important to close the gap on some of the distance between you.

3. Be direct and honest.

When you find the courage to approach your mate, it is okay to let them know that you do not know how to interpret or handle the distance or silence. It is also important to let them know that we care and want to try to better understand.

If there has been a prolonged period of silence between the two of you, when you try to initiate a conversation, what feels like an inch to you could feel like a mile to them. It is difficult for the other partner to stay present and absorb a lot of information. What begins as a conversation can feel like (or turn into) a confrontation.

If you have any feelings of anxiety or desperation, this can be especially difficult. Try to be present and allow your partner some time and space to respond, without interruption.

Staying present in the conversation is much simpler when you feel your partner understands you. However, as best as you can, try to observe yourself when you approach your mate. Do you notice what makes you want to shut down or flee the conversation? Your body is likely going to be giving you clues – if your heart starts racing, pay attention to that! Our emotional safety matters, and sometimes, we have to protect ourselves. It is up to us to know the difference between what is uncomfortable verses what will cause emotional injury.

Instead of reeling in the silence, avoidance, or frustration, here are a few examples of words you could say:

It will always take twice as long to go up river so plan on this being hard and somewhat unnatural. Bridging the distance in your relationship will not be solved in one carefully worded sentence nor in one calm conversation. You can, however, commit to your part. Speak into the silence, swim upstream, one day, one conversation at a time. You and your partner (and your relationship) are worth the effort!

For more help on communication, sign up today for our EMS Online course where you'll be able to practice these ways of communicating and building trust once again. You'll be encouraged and strengthened by other couples working on this alongside you.