You just found out. Your world has been shattered. You are in shock. You feel like you can't breathe. You can't stay standing. Your heart is racing. All of this is normal! What you are feeling is trauma, your nervous system is overwhelmed, and you have been thrown into survival mode. Your most important person has been ripped from you. I want you to know: You don't need to decide what to do about your whole life or your relationship right now. Those decisions will come, but what you need now is solid ground. I am going to give you three points of direction to help anchor and ground you. You are not losing your mind, and you are not alone. Although I've worked with hundreds of couples navigating the crisis of an affair, I personally remember the shock and horror that my husband went through when he put the pieces together and found out I had been unfaithful. Unless you have been through this, it is unbelievably difficult to describe. Hurt spouses, nothing of what you ever thought you would say or do if you were ever cheated on is of any help to you right now. You are likely feeling desperate to find a way out of this terrible, I've-been-betrayed feeling. If this is happening to you or you care deeply about someone that has just discovered a betrayal, it is important to know what you might be experiencing and what you can do about it.

1. Shock

As basic as it may seem, it is important to know and name what is happening. It is shock. Just like an electric current shooting through your body, your entire system has been jolted by the information you have received. Discovering infidelity will cause a free fall where it can seem like everything you know to be true has bottomed out and the very reality of the ground beneath you is simply gone. The primal panic and sheer intensity of what happens in your nervous system (just a fancy word for heart, gut, and chest) can leave you feeling completely disconnected from not only yourself, but the world around you. This is not only unsettling, but it can also render you helpless. What you are going through is purely awful and hell in every sense of the word. The person you thought was closest to you has lied to you. If you've ever read Alice in Wonderland, you might recall the part where Alice goes down the rabbit hole.¹ Lewis Carroll described it as her falling down what seemed like a deep, endless tunnel. The scene is just plain weird, but I think it captures some parts of the shock you find yourself in following betrayal. As Alice spirals downward, she notices the walls, the cupboards, the bookshelves, even the pictures on the wall. She wasn't frightened at first. Do you think this is because she didn't know she was falling? At one point, she even reached out and pulled an empty jar of marmalade from a shelf. I wonder if that was her body's way of trying to orient herself to the reality she was in. For Alice, the fall lasted so long that she started to think out loud. She even wondered if she was out on a lazy afternoon stroll instead of plunging to her demise through the earth! Her imagination took her away from the horror of the actual fall. When our reality changes or closes in on us, our mind definitely tries to alter reality in order to mitigate the pain and fear. Ordinary logic, such as gravity, distance, and time, no longer applies when we are in a free fall. In one sense, you are very aware that you are crossing a threshold of the world you once knew. What seemed normal and ordinary is being replaced by danger, disorientation, and fear. It's normal to cycle rapidly through emotions, often from one minute to another.

Reactions are Unpredictable

There is no one-size-fits-all as to how someone will react to finding out about infidelity. It is often difficult for the wayward spouse to comprehend the amount of shock their mate will be in. Almost all who have acted out in addiction or infidelity not only have very little tolerance or ability to face their own pain and discomfort, but rest assured they do not know how to handle their partner's emotions either. The first few weeks and months after finding out about an affair can be a very confusing time for both people. In the shock period, it is unsettling but quite normal for the betrayed partner to vacillate from one extreme of wanting closeness to the opposite end of total repulsion and anger. One betrayed spouse recently described it this way: "More than anything I want to roll over and receive the comfort of him hugging me and holding me tight. At the same time, even looking at him fills me with so much anger and rage that I can't bear the thought of being next to him." In this reactionary stage of raw emotion and shock, you need to know it will not or should not last forever. However, it will be a period lasting anywhere from several weeks to several months as you try to absorb and comprehend the deep attachment rupture that infidelity has created in your relationship.

2. Safety

Establishing safety will be imperative in order for you to survive the chaos and crisis you are in. You need now more than ever a sense that you will be protected from further harm. It needs to be prioritized. Safety, both physical and emotional, is the number one way you can start to take steps to restabilize yourself and your relationship. Physical safety sounds like what it is: anything that protects you and your mate from bodily harm. This could include your kids if you have them. It may be necessary to adjust your work schedule, particularly if you are in a high-stress environment or responsible for the well-being of others. It is not unreasonable at this time to use extra caution with things such as medications, alcohol, firearms, or driving recklessly, checking in to make sure each of you is physically safe. Emotional safety for you and your mate means, as much as you are able, trying to set boundaries and limits that protect your emotional well-being. Emotional flooding can happen often and rapidly...and your brain will switch back and forth from reflection of the information you are processing to sheer shock and must-survive feelings. Buckle up for this. It does get better, but the first few weeks and months of discovery can be physically and emotionally taxing.

3. Support

In order to maintain your sense of sanity, you will need help and support to get through this. You may scramble for connection because your most important one has been ripped from you. Neither isolation nor broadcasting will fix the pain you are feeling. The hardest pill to swallow if you've been betrayed is that you didn't cause this, but you will need recovery from it. What you never wanted to happen to you is now partly your problem. Like many in our Affair Recovery community say, healing from betrayal is like taking a full-time job you never asked for and one you won't get paid to do.

Find People Who Will Listen and Support

You will need support from people who will listen and not give you advice on what you should do. Your decision-making capacity has been obliterated, and you need time. Having people in your life who can help shoulder the load of all you are feeling will be vital. Affair Recovery is the largest online community of real people who not only can relate to what you are going through but can also speak the same language. Anyone who has been through this and survived it can easily recall the pain, the sleepless nights, the flooding of emotions, and the paralyzing fear that envelopes you. But so many would also attest: what has happened is definitely life altering, but it does not have to be life ending.