Rediscovering Sex and Intimacy After an Affair

First, thank you for doing the podcasts. The dialogue between the therapists is real and very useful.
My first D-day was 30 years ago back in 1996. I confronted my wife about her having a suspected affair with her boss. It took me a long time to go from suspension to actually asking the question. She admitted that she was having an emotional affair with her boss but not a sexual one. I asked a million questions about the affair and she swore on our kids' lives that sex was not involved. I suspected at that time and over the past 30 years that she was lying.
In March of last year my wife suffered a brain bleed. Her defenses were down and I, right or wrong, took advantage of this lapse of walls. She finally admitted the sexual aspect of her affair. I experienced a second d-day. Even though I had suspected her sexual affair for so many years, it was still a shock to have those suspicions confirmed. Like before I had many questions. Some I think she answered truthfully and some I think were still avoided. I had enough information to satisfy my need to know and I began to formulated a plan to heal our marriage. I love my wife and never intended to leave her, to treat her poorly, or to seek retribution.
Fortunately, I came across the Hope Recovery material. Together we have done all of the free initial programs with the Boot Camp particularly useful and enlightening. It was very difficult for both of us but all so useful.
After having watched episode 5 by myself of sexual intimacy, I reflected on our journey toward recovery for intimacy. There are many things that transpired during my wife's recovery from her brain bleed which made us take the steps at a slow pace. Clarity by her of her feelings has taken time. The truth of our rebuilding relationship has taken great patience and care.
My sexual feelings for my wife were conflicted. On the one hand I had visions of what she had done with him. She had done things with him that she had not done with me, and she had done nearly all of things that we had done together. I felt like what was special between us was lost. It made me angry and sad - I also felt inadequate. I was repulsed by her yet attracted to her. It affected my physical capabilities and my emotional state.
Over the past year I have done a lot of work to sort out my feelings. It has been easier for my wife since, in her mind, the affair was over 30 years ago. She has treated the affair as a huge mistake. I asked her if the sex with her lover now seems like an expression of love or just rudimentary experience with no real love involved. Initially she thought it was love, but over the years - and after her reflecting on why she had the affair - she now realizes it wasn't love. It was mistaken love based upon him saying all positive things about her and not based upon the reality of a real life relationship.
This post is. long winded way of saying that intimacy takes time. It cannot happen as a torrent of physical activity. It does not even have to include intercourse or release. What making love means is an emotional connection where both people are engaged. The physical activity is an expression of the emotional bond. It brings physical touching to a new level of positive feelings. It emotes respect and caring for each partner. It is rare and valued.
I cannot say enough positive things about Hope Recovery. It is a lifeline for me when my triggers overwhelm me. Even though 30 years have passed I am still in recovery, particularly after Disclosure Day #2. Thank you for what you do.
I love the Podcasts and one-offs.