It's hard to escape it: cheating, affairs, and broken trust seem to be everywhere. Infidelity provides an endless source of drama for Hollywood filmmakers. But for those who've lived through it, a constant reminder of their deepest wounds does not feel like entertainment!

It seems to be a universal plot line and unless you are watching the Netflix series, The Great British Baking Show or the latest animal documentary on Animal Planet, chances are really high that every time you grab that remote, you will see a scene that contains a reference to cheating.

Sadly, anyone who has survived infidelity knows that when you're in the midst of the heartache and pain, having that very thing romanticized in your face can be extremely upsetting.

A huge day for movie releases is Christmas Day, and one year, the lineup included a Nicole Kidman movie that was about a high-powered female executive having an affair with her younger male intern. I don't know about you, but this is not exactly the kind of movie I can imagine taking my family or kids to see in the theatre on Christmas Day! While you might have a goal to recover, Hollywood's ultimate goal is to entertain.

Sex sells. It's hard to deny that we live in a culture that is immersed and obsessed with physical fitness, beauty, and sexuality in general. It is both disturbing and painful that a secret, romantic relationship is so often glamorized.

The Nicole Kidman movie I referenced earlier? People did indeed go to see it. Why did this movie do so well at the box office? I have several guesses, but for most of us, my guess is that the folks that did go see it are certainly not active in recovery from an affair or addiction. I did not see the movie, nor do I plan to, but here is what I can already gather from the plot line (and many other plotlines):

People who have affairs are often high functioning, intelligent, hard-working, and successful. However, they are also isolated, insecure, and ashamed. They hide behind their success, appearance, and high-functioning control by keeping secrets that protect their falsely perfect and good image.

Typically, people who have been betrayed are also portrayed as very high functioning, intelligent, hard-working, and successful. People not in an affair are better at finding meaning in ordinary activity and often navigate friendship better because they don't isolate themselves or hold secrets in order to hide their choices.

Here is something I'd guess both wayward and betrayed spouses can agree upon: there is absolutely nothing glamorous at all about finding out about deceit.

A two-hour movie cannot possibly depict the effort or timeline required to heal and repair the damage following infidelity. Rebuilding takes many, many months, and there are countless days in that process that are painful, soul-stretching, and downright difficult, but the movies also tend to show the betrayed partner having lots of ordinary, even boring days. The movie can't possibly reveal or fully discuss all the pain and trauma that a betrayed spouse endures when they discover the one thing that would change everything. The betrayed partners pain is either not considered at all, or at best it is severely minimized.

Where to Go from Here

If you are serious about your recovery, you are going to have to consider what you watch.

For longer than you think.

Wayward partner, the potential for triggering fantasy of your affair or addiction is very high. You've heard you are what you eat? Your mind is too vulnerable right now to be exposed to triggering shows and movies. You may have to give up your favorite show or stop seeing new movies. Also, if you are watching something with your betrayed mate and something happens with infidelity - the WORST thing you can do is ignore it and not say anything.

The most proactive step you can take is to ask your mate what they are comfortable watching with you. And directly ask them what you can do if something comes up with a scene referencing an affair. This means you may have to literally take the remote, turn off the tv, turn to them, and say something like, "I am really sorry you just had to see that, what would you like to do?"

Betrayed partner, it is very normal in the early days and months following the affair to have hundreds of reminders in a day, so movies and television in general are most likely not something you can handle in the first few months.

In your attempt at self-care, you may need to let your mate know how much you are struggling with intrusive thoughts and images. You may need to also let your mate know that for the time being, you have to set a boundary about watching movies for both of you. This may sound something like, "I cannot watch this show right now. It is too upsetting, and it would upset me if you continue to watch it without me too." Can you help me come up with something we could watch together?"

Because most of us don't want to throw away our televisions and cancel all of our streaming services, there are quite a few resources out there to help you determine what you can see. Check with sites like Plugged In or Common Sense Media. There are subscription services like VidAngel that actually take out scenes that contain too much violence or sexuality.

If you would like help or want further discussion about this topic, I invite you to check out our Recovery Library Membership and our online and in-person Programs and Courses. We have people who are in the midst of their own recovery and want to be in a group with others, and we have group leaders who have made it to the other side of recovery and want to help. One thing I can assure you is that while we cannot change what is going to sell at the box office, we can make decisions on what is best for us and our own personal growth.

At Affair Recovery, there are REAL people behind the website to help you navigate your next step in healing! If you need help figuring out what your next step can be, reach out and someone will get back to you.