Enter Drawing for Harboring Hope for Free

Submitted by Hope-Now Mon, 05/16/2022 - 00:00

Welcome to Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope Monthly Drawing. We want to know you. We want to serve you. This means we want to hear from you!

The first step is telling us what we can do for you. Please tell us why you’d like to take Harboring Hope. If you made a comment prior to a previous registration period, that comment is still good for your entry.

Remember, submit a comment of 500 words or less about why you'd like to take the Harboring Hope course. Remember, it's a random drawing so your entry won't be based on merit or on your situation. Comments will be moderated by AR staff. Drawings will be held monthly. If you'd like more information, you can also read our official rules.

The winner for May 2022 was "Andrews"
with the entry "I'm tired of wondering whether this will work out".
Congrats, Andrews!!!!

The winner for April 2022 was "Mungroo30"
with the entry "I'm broken".
Congrats, Mungroo30!!!!

The winner for March 2022 was "Anonymous"
with the entry "Thank You".
Congrats, Anonymous!!!!

The winner for February 2022 was "Chickiepie"
with the entry "Harbor for Hope Contest".
Congrats, Chickiepie!!!!

The winner for January 2022 was "Elisabeth"
with the entry "Seeking Hope".
Congrats, Elisabeth!!!!

The winner for December 2021 was "drg821"
with the entry "Dealing With Mutual Betrayal".
Congrats, drg821!!!!

The winner for November 2021 was "Kristie"
with the entry "It's been 1.5 years since D".
Congrats, Kristie!!!!

The winner for October 2021 was "Shrimp"
with the entry "Pain beyond Pain!"
Congratulations, Maureen!!

The winner for September 2021 was "JA2021"
with the entry "Stuck....".
Congratulations, Jill!!!

The winner for August 2021 was "Sylvia"
with the entry "Please Help Me."
Congratulations, Sylvia!!

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Comments

Please help my marriage!

Submitted by Honeybear (not verified) on

I would like to provide you with a little bit of background regarding our marriage.  My husband Glen and I have been married for 6 years.  I have a 7 year old step-son and a 4 year old biological son with my husband.  On May 19, 2012, I discovered a text message on my husband's phone between him and a female co-worker that was not appropriate.  When I confronted my husband, he admitted to me that he had been having a 1 1/2 year affair with a female at his place of employment.  This female co-worker was not only a co-worker of my husband's but was also a friend of mine.  The female is also married but has since filed for divorce and moved out of her family home.  The female co-worker has been to our home for our children's birthday parties and we have been to her home on several occasions.  It is hard to believe that I spent so much time with this woman that I considered a "friend."
 
At the discovery of the affair, I asked (okay more like told) my husband to end the affair.  He stated that he did but the contact between them is continuing.  He has met her in a public place for breakfast and they are speaking on the telephone with one another.  It is my understanding that she has been pressuring him to leave our marriage, even to the point that she told him to quit his job and she would pay his child support.  He has told me that he was very clear with her during the affair that he would not be leaving our marriage.  He has told me that he will not talk with her unless things aren't going well at home. 

 
Things have been very rough at home.  I want our marriage to work out and I am willing to do whatever is necessary for this to happen. He stated that if he thinks about leaving the marriage, it physically makes him sick.  He stated that he feels that if he stays in our marriage, I will continue to suffer from the hurt that he has caused.  He is not sure if he can watch all of the hurt that he has caused.  He told me that he is going to move forward as if we are getting a divorce.
 
My husband has told me that he continues to have feelings for the other woman.  He still continues to work with the female co-worker but has been putting in many different resumes because he knows that it is not healthy for him to continue to work in that environment. 

 
I believe that this time that he is "running" from everyone, including God. He feels guilt and shame for his actions but has taken responsibility for them.  I feel that this other woman is almost like an addiction to him and he won't seek any help to deal with it.  I would appreciate any help!
 

Jennifer  

Jennifer

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

Hi Jennifer I am in a similar position I found out about my husbands affair 7months ago I did not react and do anything crazy, I felt they we reconnected but new that he needed counseling and if he could heal himself we could heel out marriage so I sat back did everything possible to try and change my behavior as he did and felt his action positively. I had a time frame which was the end of June after his Birthday my 17!yr old son and of of school events. I didn't want to ruin the joy of these special events for them. Well that day came and said I wanted to talk and ask him we are or I am in that stuck position do you want to continue and work en it or divorce he said ITHINK I WANT TO DIVORCE Like you my husband say he still feels for this person he too feels the shame guilt etc he avoids conversation and I feel she is an addiction

How long?

Submitted by DE (not verified) on
I am an alumnus of the Marriage Fitness program by Mort Fertel, and his plan has helped me to regain the trust and confidence of my spouse, and helped her to feel safe to come home. We started the program together because she wanted our children to believe she was doing something to save our marriage, but before the 6th week, I was on my own. She had an affair for 2.5 years with a guy she had an affair with 22 years prior. She also claimed to have stopped loving me 12 years ago and this was the reason she felt comfortable in the affair. Before discovery, she had given me notice that she might leave, but swore it was not because of someone else. I think she really believed that when she left because he had returned to his girl friend and left her behind. With Mort's teachings, I was able to get her to move home after about a year and she claims now she won't leave and doesn't want a divorce. But at the same time, she wants to live as friends only with no intimacy until she has time to recover. It has been two years. How long should I give her? Should I push for resolution of this situation and get her to move off the safe rock she has knowing I want to save the marriage and will do almost anything? It is torture to have her close, but unable to get closer. I have received lots of help reading the blogs, free resources, and comments, and have even shared them with her, but I feel stuck.

Grasping for Hope

Submitted by MelaMinas (not verified) on

I'd like to take Harboring Hope because I am grasping to do just that - harbor hope - in a seemingly hopeless situation. I discovered my husband was cheating on me in June and only a month later, he had filed for divorce and was vacationing with his affair partner. How did I not see the signs that he had been cheating on me all this time? How could he so easily abandone our relationship of 10 years for another woman? Unlike the stereotype that comes with affairs, how could my husband abandon me, the God-fearing woman who looks like a Victoria Secret model, for his affair partner, a woman who is a follower of the world and looks like a soccer mom? Isn't it usually the other way around? As I navigate all these questions and more while grieving the sudden upending of my life, I am doing my best to keep my eyes on God and harbor hope.

Hopeless

Submitted by Lisa B. (not verified) on
I have been married for almost 23 years. We have 5 children and for almost if not all of our entire marriage my husband has been addicted to pornography, has had 2 physical affairs that I know of ( I have had 1) , multiple emotional affairs and masturbates off and on. The most recent "friendship" which I discovered 3 weeks ago and I feel I can go on no longer. Our marriage has never been great because of the insurmountable mistrust I have which causes him to blame me because I do not give him my affection so he must get it from somewhere.... I can't breath. I need help. Please.

Lisa

Submitted by KWils33 on

I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone. I am sending you hugs and hopeful thoughts. I am right there with you. I feel like I cannot breathe some days and I feel just completely empty and violated that things were stolen that I never agreed to give up. I feel like being happy is not a feeling I am capable of feeling anymore my whole demeanor has changed. I used to laugh and find joy in anything and that has all changed. I am sending hugs please know above all you are not alone.

Same boat...

Submitted by JA2021 on

This is me %100 ❤️ Hopefully you are doing better now. I'm still struggling...

So Tired

Submitted by Having a Hard Time (not verified) on

I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just start with "D-Day."  It was September 2nd at 9:02 p.m.  I had long suspected my husband was having an affair, but between two kids, full-time employment and other responsibilities, I used the excuse of not having enough time as a reason not to investigate further.  My husband had gotten a new cell phone, new bank account, and was claiming to work 5 days per week at an evening job.  He would pick arguments with me, belittle me and my oldest daughter.  At the beginning of August he moved out.  I spoke to an attorney in preparation to file for a legal separation.

My attorney asked me whether my husband was unfaithful.  My knee-jerk reaction was "no!  We're just incompatible... we just have communication problems"  But the more we talked; the more I took an honest assessment at our relationship, I knew there was someone else.  I knew it in the few moments when he attempted to be intimate with me.  I knew it when he would snatch his cell phone away from me.  I knew it when I watched him get extra "dolled up" to supposedly hang out with some work buddies while I stayed home and took care of our newborn son.

I'm trying to move past this, but it seems like I have maybe half a good day out of the week.  I'm consumed with information my investigator found on his liaison.  I'm sickened.  I tried to go to the movies with him again (something we always did), but found myself ill throughout the experience (vomiting did help a little).  They went to the movies together.  I have images of her trying to play with my son in my head and it's all just driving me crazy.  I drink a glass of wine in order to sleep without the images of them together.  I can't believe he did this to our family. 

I want to make my marriage work.  After initially giving me some stupid story of not telling me because he didn't want to "hurt me" and not ending the relationship with her because he didn't want to "hurt her" either, it seems as though he's come to his senses.  But it really hurts me that he wasted almost two years on his selfish pursuits.  I'm having a hard time getting past what he has done.  I have a hard time eating, sleeping, I dream about what they did together.  And I *still* have this nagging feeling that I don't know the whole story.

I don't know what to do.  I want to take the Harboring Hope course to try to get some assistance in starting a new chapter.  I want to learn to like and respect my husband again; to look at him and not see his infidelity.  To kiss him and not feel like he just kissed her.

HH Course

Submitted by Skier on

I’m relating to your reasons for wanting to take the HH Course, because you’re wanting what I wanted, too. I am 5 weeks into the course and the course is telling me to work on myself. I was so focused on the US of our marriage that I wasn’t seeing how unhealthy I was, and how much I was neglecting my own feelings. First, learning to love and respect yourself is powerful. I believe my husband actually started to see that no matter what, that by me taking this course, I was getting stronger and healthier and that, I would thrive whether the marriage survives or not. I will be the stronger one going forward. This has jolted my husband into asking me why I chose this program for myself. I let him know that AR is accepting for non religious as well as religious beliefs. Many of the articles/ videos even include this statement. “And, even if you’re not coming from a God faith. . .” this is what made me decide this was the program that I would try. His family shoved religion down his throat, and he has been negative about being involved in any religious type counseling, so I was originally thinking maybe he would eventually at least, look at this program. I’m learning so much more about myself and not letting my insecurities of staying in the marriage dictate my recovery. I want to get stronger for MYSELF. My husband just signed up for the 7 Day Bootcamp and is starting that program. He told me he was first doing it for me and our marriage. I told him I wouldn’t accept or take the responsibility of him taking the course if he thought it was for me. No, I told him he needs to take the course for himself first. His affair was only the tip of the iceberg in what I am dealing with right now. His deception and lies are far more entrenched than this most recent affair of his. This course has strengthened my resolve to get stronger for myself. By doing this first, I can understand more about where I want to go with my marriage. First, I want to save myself.

Skier

Submitted by KWils33 on

I totally know what you mean I think we come to realize after some time that we have got to save ourselves before anything else and that’s so hard because we physically and emotionally can’t do it by ourselves. How can you save what little is left of the you that you recognize from before while trying to get your partner to understand your pain and heartache and getting kids to where they need to be and just trying to be a wife and mother while trying to hide the fact your falling apart. Sending hugs your way

Pain and heartache

Submitted by Skier on

Thanks so much for your response. In my case, I have found that HH was the first place that I sought help. Group help has been a place for me to vent and ask questions. It’s the group that keeps me going because I don’t know which way is up after several betrayals in my relationship. Am I betraying myself staying in this marriage? Without looking into the depths of FOO, I believe that I would continue to search for the same person as my UH if I didn’t get help. I’m not into being Elizabeth Taylor and marrying numerous times. What was it that I saw in my UH before marrying him? If I don’t heal that wound from childhood, addicts for parents, I believe that I will continue picking the same person, except that he would be in a different skin. I want to hear my inner child and forgive that hurt little girl before thinking that my marriage is more important than the little girl that I keep inside of me. The group has helped me see this. The heartache scar will always be there. It’s doing all the necessary physical therapy to help this scar no longer create pain for me. I’m learning how to love myself now. It’s not dependent on if my marriage lasts or not. I don’t believe that my UH will ever get to know the depths of pain that I have felt. If so, no one would commit such a heinous crime against their own partner. I’m so sorry that you are here having this craziness in your life story now. Sending hugs back to you.

That nagging feeling..

Submitted by JA2021 on

I hear you. That nagging feeling is the worst. Wonder how you made out? I feel the same way.

Broken

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

I am broken and my heart and soul have been crushed. My husband has struggled with porn our entire marriage. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights I can't even count. It then escalated when he started going to strip clubs and getting lap dances. The current devastation is that I just found out he paid a prostitute to give him oral sex. He lies every time he is caught - He is only honest about things I already know or find out about.

My whole world has been turned upside down. I don't even know the man I married. I don't know this person I have slept next to all these years. He has a secret, dark life. I can’t believe this man who I loved threw 13 years of marriage to the wayside for some pleasure. It’s so unfair. God wants me to forgive and I don't know how. I loved him more than to succumb to sexual activities.

I don't know how to move past through all his lies. I am dying inside. I can't eat and I definately don't sleep. The pain is excruciating - its unbearable. I feel such despair and betrayal and rejection and loneliness - how could God love me? How will things ever be the same again? This news has literally brought me to my knees, taken my breathe away and changed my life forever. I have no one to talk to about this. His bad decisions are painted onto my life's canvas forever, and nothing can erase that reality. Nothing can wake me from this torment. The decisions he made will be our forever - will be forever the story of our relationship. I can never have a marriage where I can say my husband honored our vows or say he choose me over temptation....I loved him enough - why couldn't he love me enough? I desperately need hope.

Trying to hold on to hope

Submitted by Keith (not verified) on
I'd like to take the Harboring Hope class because my wife of 10 years revealed an on-and-off affair of five years to me in July. I knew we were in trouble - we had a small trial separation last year and reunited, but things haven't gotten much better. The affair threw me for a loop. I've had two one-night stands during our marriage - horrible mistakes that I feel guilty for every single day. But the fact that she had a long-term affair and had emotional feelings for this guy, threw me into despair. She's reluctant to call things off completely because she's unsure of her feelings. I love my wife very much. And, as insane as it sounds, I know for a fact that she loves me. My problem is that I don't know if she is able to be "in love" with me again. I just last night proposed another separation - a full-fledged one this time, without me constantly begging for reconciliation. We were both emotional wrecks after our discussion - it was nice to see that she still cares about me so much. And we still have much to work out as we plan this separation. But I don't know how she's going to deal with the other man. Do I tell her to stay away from him completely? Or do I wait for her to figure out what she wants? I've begun going to a therapist on my own, but I don't know how effective she'll be. It's too early to know. I know that her affair was partially a result of the poor marital conditions we both created through our immaturity early in our marriage. We both have two goals right now: to be better people, people that we like; and to be truly happy for the first time in a very long time. We have two little girls and I don't want to hurt them with this separation, but I know it's necessary. I just need to have hope that I'm doing the right thing. I know that the love we had, the love we still have, lying beneath all the pain, can be saved. But I'm so lost right now. I just really want someone to understand what I'm going through and how I'm handling it.

28 years fell apart right in front of me

Submitted by Dana Catlin (not verified) on
I have been married for 28 years, with two beautiful children. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought my spouse would have an affair much less move out of our marriage and home. He is so deeply into his affair that he is living with her. I am distraught, I am having difficulties even functioning from hour to hour much less even understanding how to grasp the whole concept of healing and it wasn't necessarily my fault he is involve with someone else. I need this chance to search myself and my marriage, to heal and to prepare to restore and redeem my marriage. I am in greatest hopes that I can enter this life changing program.

My entry for help in paying for the harboring hope course.

Submitted by shs9389 on

 

Thirty one years ago, I married. I thought I would live happily ever after, but there was a gliche in our marriage. I accepted the Lord in my heart a few months before the wedding and he wanted nothing to do with what I had done. He had been abused as a boy by his stepfather and mother. Through the abuse, he became very anti-Semitic and anti-God. I was warned there would be rocky times ahead because of our differences in beliefs. I was sure we could work out our differences. We wed and had two sons. Times were not easy. He had difficulties getting employment and I worked as a teacher. We had to go home and live with my parents for five years so he could pursue a career in anesthesia. I became more zealous of my faith after he became an anesthetist. He wasn’t happy about that. We finally moved out of my parent’s home and bought a home of our own; then began his first affair with someone from work. I didn’t realize he was cheating on me. He kept lying and covering things up. Finally, I knew what he was doing and decided to leave with my sons. We managed to work through that and remained married. I continued to pursue Jesus and my husband began to follow my lead. We had three more children together and my husband became very involved in the youth at church. As he “grew” in the Lord; my eldest son began battling drug addiction. We were not on the same page with what to do. We both grew weary of the battle and my husband walked away from the Lord. I was fearful he would commit adultery again. Three years later, my fears came to fruition. He was with someone from church and work. He was sex texting each of them. My husband never apologized. Our situation was not good; but again, things got better. Last year he got a new app on his cell phone to cover all text messages. He made sure I couldn’t see any of his cell phone bill. He got a sex video from the person from work. Through all this, I kept giving things back to Jesus hoping and praying he would change. My daughter got engaged and my daughter-in-law found out she was expecting. We were excited as a family planning for the big events. Then two weeks before my daughter was to wed, she cancelled the wedding.  My husband suddenly lost some of his business. I noticed my husband had been pulling away from me. A month after this, he told me he was leaving me. I got a private eye to follow him and found he was with a girl 18 years younger than him and her four year old daughter. She looked to be pregnant with his child. I am crushed. I take care of my elderly parents 24/7. I am presently pursuing a divorce. I need help.

 

Devestation

Submitted by Kristina (not verified) on
My husband had begun his own business and was working...A lot. He spent a total of 20 days with me and our daughter in 2011. I never dreamed he was having an affair. But little things started happening to suggest such. I asked him about those things and he always had an answer. I never even went digging for information. It just showed up. So there it was one day. The other woman. He had told her I was his ex wife. That he had found me in bed with someone else. He sent her pictures of our daughter. He brought home gifts that SHE had bought for our daughter. He took her on vacations and trips with his clients. She knew all the codes and business information. He told her he wantednher baby. He took her ring shopping and beggedbher to marry him. Then He began to get violent with me. He was even arrested for family violence. I found out he was also violent with her. He even told her he had stomach cancer. Needless to say my world has come crashing down. I hate him. I hate his lies. But he is remorseful. He says he was in a bad place. At rock bottom. I just can't find any instance of someone's husband who didn't even like his other woman and treated her poorly. He says he hated her and just wanted someone to hurt. I don't know what to do with this. Is he lying? I don't know. All I know is I look at him and see nothing but rage and sadness at the same time. And I feel like I will never ever look at him with anything but. I feel like living is just pointless but I'm trying to fake it for my daughter.

Wy does it still feel so hard?

Submitted by Still struggling (not verified) on
It has been more than 2 years since d day for us and I have to say that I am still struggling. Trust has been extremely difficult for us to rebuild as we have had setbacks where my husband has lied to me and I have caught him. I just feel fearful and not safe and am having such a difficult time being vulnerable with him and fighting for our marriage when I feel, at times, that he is fighting against me. We have gone through EMS online and it was extremely helpful for us. At this point, I just really feel that I need to be working on my own healing and that Ned's to happen independently of what he is doing,

Harboring Hope Entry...

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

I'll keep it short for YA! D-Day was June 6th 2011(his Betrayal). We both had an affair. I have never addressed my pain with his affair , I have spent all my time dealing with the impact of my affair on him. It's time to 'Go There' for me. It doesn't matter if your staff pulls or picks my entry, or however you do it. I will be in a Harboring Hope group reguardless at some point. It would however be a nice gift for myself because I deserve it!

The ever present, Jana

Need help with hope - why I want to take Harboring for Hope

Submitted by SJK (not verified) on
I was married for 20 years to my first husband who cheated on me & left me & our 4 children for his affair partner. I filed for divorced shortly after I found out & was angry & spiteful for a very long time. A similar thing happened to me in my second marriage of 7 years but this time the mistress was his job & pornography. I was happily single for 5 years but met a man in January 2011. At the time I was applying for jobs out of state but he was persistent in wanting to see me and over the 6 months before I moved our relationship grew closer. I was prepared to just be “friends” but we agreed to try a long distance relationship until I could move back in a year. We talked, skyped, and texted often every day and visited each other every 4 to 8 weeks. He said he loved me daily & he proposed marriage. Then I found out in September this year that he met a woman he said he was "interested" in & wanted to get to know. I broke it off at that point as I could not tolerate any cheating or perception of cheating. But then he contacted me, swore he still loved me, & we agreed to try to work things out. He also swore he had given her up & nothing had happened between them. I found out this was not true. I found emails, records of texts & phone calls from her & several other women he was having sex with while I was away. The first two were right after I moved out of state and the others were more recent. He sent pornographic pictures of himself to others and was sexting also. It was sickening. He was remorseful, admitted he had a problem with pornography and alcohol. At that point I looked up therapist’s websites on the internet & came across Affair Recovery. The information I found here has been life & sanity-saving for me. I haven’t been able to fully confide in friends & family about his multiple infidelities & as a result don't have anyone to talk to about how I'm feeling except for my counselor - that works to a degree but like so many have said on this site, he can't fully understand because he hasn't been through this. After 2 failed marriages and the devastation I'm currently feeling, I need help & hope that I can work through this pain, that this relationship may be salvageable, & be able to trust again.

I want to heal

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I am approaching two years out from DDay yet I still go back to ground zero at the drop of a hat.  Sometimes I am successful in suppressing those thoughts and memories, and other times there is just no way for me to not let them rip as they overwhelm me. The pain of it is unbearable at times, and I would like to stop putting myself through this. I don't believe my husband wants to hurt me, but he continues to do so as he won't take the actions I have identified that would help me.  While I still believe the best possible outcome for my family is for the four of us to be together, it is time for me to work towards the best possible future for myself and my daughters.  Do I love my husband?  Yes, with my entire being.  Will i stay in a relationship that keeps hurting me?  No.      

Harboring Hope in South America

Submitted by Jana (not verified) on
I feel like I've gone to war and witnessed the worst of mankind. My husband's betrayal has led me into a world that I didn't know existed. I am forever changed and I am scared of becoming trapped here, never to find hope or respite again. I am 3 months pregnant with our second child and, unfortunately, contracted an std. My husband admitted to being with a prostitute. This is how I found out. I am in treatment, but have had some bleeding episodes and am scared for my baby. Fortunately, I've also discovered I am quite strong and resilient. I have good days and bad days but, overall, I'm doing ok. The lying and lack of transparency on his part remain though. I also discovered he is a serial cheater, and has cheated on me from day one. I have evidence, but he continues to deny. My husband isn't making much of an effort to either reconcile or separate, he's waiting for me to tell him what I want. He has been out of the house for the past month. This is a very difficult period for me, and I want all the support I can get so this doesn't mark me for life. I want to learn from this experience and become wiser, I want to be able to trust again in the future. I don't want to live in fear and shut love out of my life for good. I want to one day be able to teach my children something good about love and marriage.

Need Help

Submitted by T (not verified) on
My husband admitted to having an affair on new years day. We have been married almost 21years, I am devastated, and completely lost. I can barely think straight and cry almost constantly, but still have to work full time, etc. he has been the center of my life for almost 21 years! He has asked for a divorce 3 times, but I want to work on our marriage because I know divorce is NOT God's plan for us. He says he wants to work on it too, but won't act like there is any hope. I know I can forgive him once he decides to end the other relationship and goes through with it, but I think he might feel like I could never forgive him. This website has been a great help to me and I feel harbouring hope would be a life saver.

Understand your pain!

Submitted by I (not verified) on
T, I just wanted to write and say I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My husband's emotional affair ended in October. After discovery the end of July. I hope I can be a support to you at least in prayer. The first months are so crazy emotionally. My help comes in where my focus is each day. The word, radio sermons, memory of scripture and positive supportive people. This sight has really been a good thing. Hope we can be support if even only in prayer. Questions please feel free to ask. I just know I needed someone who can relate, others can't even imagine. Not even close. Blessings, Kimberly

Why I am Entering for Harboring Hope Drawing

Submitted by Selene (not verified) on

My husband of 18 years told me the day after mothers day 2012 that he no longer loved me/had any emotional connection with me and that we would both move on to find someone else because I deserved someone who could love me the way I should be loved.  He told me the kids would be fine, that we weren't the first people to get divorced and that I was a "good wife, great mother, great friend" that we were good co-parents together, BUT he wanted to be happy and he wasn't sure that he has EVER really "loved" me.  Moved out June 1st to be with his affair partner.  I was stunned.  Tried to talk with him many times.  I told him I thought aliens had come and stolen my husband.

Fast forward 8 months - He's not sure the AP is his lifelong mate, but he still doesn't know if he wants to give our marrige a try because he is worried that he won't have those feelings for me//there has been so much damage. So he won't end his PA because now he feels he will mess up HER life/ his work etc.     

Thanks!

Selene

 

Just trying to breathe

Submitted by Just Breathe (not verified) on
I am just not sure of how I can recover from this. The images and texts! The triggers! How can I ever trust again? I feel I am going crazy. I want to continue to look through the phone. Asking how many women, when, where, how. What did you do with them? I don't even know what I need to feel better. I want to just get my child and move far away and never see my husband again. But now he has finally taken responsibility. I see him trying; it is just hard for me to imagine trusting him again. I need steps. I have always been a planner. I need a plan. Steps. Something. Every day, I just tell myself to breathe....

Why I will always Harbor Hope

Submitted by Annoymous (not verified) on
I will Harbor Hope because it is healthier than harboring resentment; because my two beautiful daughters still have hope for full and successful and loving relationships and I must learn how to show them the way; because my life has purpose beyond his discards and lies; because I must harbor something in my heart and with the love of Christ lingering there, the darkness cannot linger long. I will choose to entertain hope and love and faith even while I process this ferocious anger at the destruction he has wrought in my life. It is my choice.

Free Class

Submitted by Dana27 (not verified) on
D-day was one month ago for me. I found out that my husband of over six years has been living a double life. There are so many issues that we need to address, but I am not sure how to go about it or what to do. We need a lot of help, and I need a lot of help to forgive, grieve, trust again and learn to move beyond the pain. I know that this class would be very helpful for me. I have watched videos and read lots of articles on here and I see how helpful it is to get help and direction from someone that has already gone through the same things.

Feeling Broken - Register for Free Class

Submitted by Brenda (not verified) on

My marriage of 23 years has always been rocky and unstable.  The emotional disconnection with my husband contributed to my clinical depression and suicide attempts, alcohol addiction (been in recovery for 6 years), years of off and on marriage counseling, and a long-term emotional affair with my ex-boyfriend.  After the affair was revealed, God restored our marriage and things were much better for our relationship.  But the dysfunction remained and it was only a matter of time before our relationship began to crumble in the face of another conflict.  For the last year we have been very disconnected, despite remaining married.  I then began to suspect he was having an affair, confronted him and was lied to.  He finally admitted the affair when I gave him concrete evidence of his phone calls and texts with the other woman.  After kicking him out of the house, there has been no more communication from him.  I feel caught between intense anger at his betryal, regret for continuing a marriage this long that has been so dysfunctional, and guilt for my contribution to the breakdown between us.  I've always been so fearful of dissolving the marriage because of lack of family support and not wanting to adversely impact our daughter.  How can I begin to recover from this devastation when I have no hope for a future?  But something has to change. And that change has to begin with me.  Harboring Hope offers me a chance to have hope for my future; a future that has nothing to do with my husband.  A future that offers more than my past.  A future that models faith, confidence and strength for my daughter so that this dysfunction is not repeated in her life.

I want this to work

Submitted by MSNY (not verified) on
We've decided to reconcile and work towards recovery, on his part, my part, and for our relationship. reconciled and have decided to try to recover. This course will be one aspect of me doing my part.

I'd like to take Harboring

Submitted by Exhausted (not verified) on
I'd like to take Harboring Hope because I'm tired of not trusting, tired of second-guessing, and tired of expecting to be hurt. My marriage has been so wounded by my husband's sexual addiction and I am ready to stop worry about him and to take some time for myself to heal. I want to have hope again that things can heal and improve.

Stuck in Limbo

Submitted by Stuck in Limbo (not verified) on

D-day was 2 months ago.  Since then i have been trying to piece my life back together.  My husband and I have 20 years of marriage and i found out that he has been unfaithful the whole time.  I think the addictions are physical, emotional and he may have a sexual addiction too.  Not sure if there is anything out there that can help my deep hurting. He has admitted to all this and is "sorry"!  He has lived a double life for our whole marriage.  I need hope and healing desperatly!  I am so lost...I don't know what to try and sort out first.  I am hopeful by reading posts here that possibly someone has experienced some of the same kinds of betrayl and can help me start recovering.  Right now i am still in shock and stuck in Limbo...not sure what was real and what wasn't.

Trying to heal and forgive but still somewhat unsure of future

Submitted by Valerie (not verified) on
My husband and I could definitely benefit from the Harboring Hope Seminar, so here's my entry in the free drawing. I am three months out from D-Day, I discovered my husbands affair quite by accident (sort of). I had my suspicions and had confronted him multiple times to be told he was not having an affair, as well as checking his phones (one work, one personal). I felt so guilty not believing him and breaking into his phones (he had them pass coded, but I figured out what it was), my heart would race every time I checked so I would not get very far in my search for fear of him catching me. My husband left to go on a mini-vacation with a buddy of his and left his work phone at home. I thought, why not check it now since he couldn't catch me. I waited until I knew he was on the plane. I looked through text messages and didn't find anything so I thought my gut was wrong, but then I thought to check his pictures. There they were, naked pictures of his affair partner. I then went through his emails and found all the proof I needed that it was a sexual affair. Six months prior to this, this woman was introduced to me and my daughter, spent the night in my home with her son. She continued to be an obstacle in our family, even though I told both my husband and her I was very uncomfortable with the whole situation of them talking and seeing each other for work (she rarely contacted me directly). To top this off, this woman was young enough to be my husbands' daughter. I made that point well known also. They continued to get my daughter to request her presence which made me the bad guy if I said no "because there was nothing going on". When my husband returned from his trip, I confronted him, he continued to deny the affair and was hurriedly deleting the incriminating evidence from his phone that I was forcing him to show me. I finally told him I had sent all the information and pictures to myself and then he finally broke down and admitted everything. He told me how sorry he was, it only happened a handful of times, it was over months ago... but there was still phone calls and emails and such. He begged me to stay and try to work things out. I was devastated, even though we had not had the perfect marriage, I was never unfaithful and couldn't understand why he didn't get out of the marriage before this happened. I always said I would never stay if he had an affair. Well, until your in that situation, you don't know what you will do. He has said all the right things, answered my questions about the affair, done what he's promised but I am still struggling. I don't understand how he can not love me one day and suddenly now he does. We are seeing a counselor, but as you can tell, I am still dealing with hurt and anger and disappointment. I feel obsessed to know all the details of his affair and find everything I can online about affairs so that I can heal. I don't know that he is doing the same thing. He wants to help me heal, but I know he needs to heal also and figure out why he did this honestly. No matter how bad the marriage is, having an affair is not the answer. There is much more to the story, but I have gone on long enough. I still struggle every day and I'm glad to know that there is support out here for us! Valerie

Trying to get past it.

Submitted by Kristi (not verified) on
I found out that 15 years ago, when our baby was just 6 months old, my husband had an affair with a coworker. They ended up together on a business trip, and continued their affair for 1 and 1/2 years. He ended it, moved jobs and never told me until just recently. I had always thought he was a man with such integrity and never in my wildest dreams would I have thought this was possible. He has changed since he told me - for the better. I want to forgive him, but really feel like my feelings towards him are just done. Not sure I want to continue living with him.

Can't move on

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
It's been two years, and I am regretting now not getting help immediately after discovering my husband's affair. I thought I could work it out myself, but obviously that is not working. On top of it, I see his AP about town several times a week - it never ceases to floor me and send me (emotionally) crashing.

Holding onto Hope, One Day @ a Time

Submitted by LH (not verified) on
On November 6,2012 I found out my husband had been having a affair for 3yrs. I was devastated!! We have been together for 24yrs, married for 19yrs. We have 3 wonderful children all in college. They know about their dad, and are very hurt. I love my husband and really want to repair our marriage and work through this together. I'am willing to put in the hard work and dedication that it will take. He is not on the same course as I am and hurts tremendously. I am in alot of pain, there are no words to describe it. I'am seeking therapy on my own, my husband will not attend. When I found out, he has been very defensive, and angry. I feel so hopeless much of the time. I have really been trying to educate myself on adultery, marriage and realationships. I desperately want my marriage to work, I don't know how to get my husband to communicate effectively with me. During the affair my husband became a gambling addict. It was his way of avoiding me, the kids, and his affair. It was also his excuse as to his whereabouts. He will sit for up to 36hrs at a time playing poker, to avoid coming home etc... Due to the gambling he has recently put us in a bad financial situation, that we have never been in before. All of this is a lot to handle. I feel very alone, and very ashamed. I have avoided friends, relatives and I have a difficult time with the kids around. It feels so difficult to face anyone. Also, I don't want my life to be gossip, so I am very particular who I confide in. All help and advice is welcome. I really enjoy the Affair Recovery site. Sincerely, Standing on the edge

I just don't understand

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
My marriage broke apart five months prior to our twentieth anniversary due to his infidelity . We have been divorced for two years and he lives with the ow . He still denies it even though I have emails to prove it. We basically have no contact and he never discussed any of it with me . He has moved out of state and has very little to do with his teenage daughters. I still cry and try to make sense of it . I would love some help through your program.

is my glass half empty or half full?

Submitted by Martyr (not verified) on

I always thought I was a "glass half full" kinda gal but the last few months it has been hard to see. My self esteem is shot, I worry and obsess constantly, and live in fear and sadness. I know I have many many things to be grateful for, but gratitude seems to elude me.  Small comments send me into a tirade. Counseling was helpful, but my benefits have run out. Counseling did not seem to give me the tools I need to move ahead. I think my CS is truely sorry, but I don't think he really understands how hard this for me. He brings me flowers or makes the coffee and says he is "trying" and things would be great if I "just got over it and things went back to the way they were before". He cannot seem to accept or understand that will never happen. I want my glass to be half full again!

I won't give up.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I learned of my husband's emotional affair Mother's Day weekend 2012 and finally that it was also a physical affair last September. He says he loves her, hasn't loved me in a long time, and wants to move out. However, we have two small children whom he doesn't want to leave, so he's in limbo and stays. I want desperately for our marriage to work and will not be the person who ends it. Living this way is pure torture. The stress is unbearable and my physical health is declining I'm sure because of it.

What to expect from Betrayer

Submitted by Valerie (not verified) on
It's been just shy of four months since D-Day. I am devastated by this betrayal.We are trying to work out our marriage and see if we can survive this and be stronger. We both agree we will not go back to the way our marriage was before because we were not happy, even though we both stayed in that unhealthy situation. I believe we do really love each other. Now, I need to figure out if I can move past the betrayal. I find myself getting annoyed if he doesn't appear to pursue healing or attempt the small gestures that will help me (that I have asked for). While he hasn't done anything wrong (besides the affair stuff) and is willing to do anything I ask to aid in healing, he doesn't initiate a lot of it. I feel like I am doing most of the work and research to find help like this site provides. Sometimes I feel he is afraid of doing/saying the wrong thing that may upset me, but I would rather him at least show that he is trying. I also feel bad if I am having an off moment, if I say anything about it, he feels that he can't do anything right and feels he shouldn't do anything at all. On top of all this, I worry that he is going to lack the patience I need to heal and he will decide to leave after all. If that is the case, I would rather just end it now.

Still wanting more

Submitted by Still wanting more (not verified) on
Its been one year and one week since I found out about my husbands affair. It's still so sad because I don't know how to love him anymore. He has done all the right things apologized, can't explain it with any New insights, therapy together and individually, and allows me to cry and be cuddled but it still doesn't seem like enough for me to love him again. Why? What's wrong with me. Why do I still need more. I've simply lost the things I loved about him - I thought he was a man of honesty, trust, one who I could count on to always be there. I've been there for him! It's 20 yrs next week. the anniversary is confusing. I don't know if staying will work for me but can I stay for my kid till he goes to college in 3 years ? I'm not sure of anything - I hope u can help me to love him again. Sincerely, still wanting more...

Healing...with or without him

Submitted by Melanie (not verified) on
I can't make him want to stay. I can't make him fight for our marriage. I can't make him love me. I give him up to God. Some days are easier than others. I've fought for this marriage through the deepest, black pit and back. But now I must fight for me. For my 11-week old son. For my future family - whether that is with him or someone else. In the depths of my heart, I pray it will be with him, but that is out of my control. I want to take the Harboring Hope course because I want to heal. I pray that through my healing, I can reconnect with my husband and have a more amazing marriage than we had ever hoped or dreamed of. But at minimum, I want to heal for me. I desire to continue to be transformed from the inside out. To not let this situation define who I am, but may I use it to learn how to be the best possible version of myself. For me, for God, for my son, for my friends and family...for my husband. To learn what it means to love unconditionally and to live out that love daily. I desire with all my heart, mind, body and soul to travel this road of healing with my husband. But with or without him, I must find healing to break me free from the chains of the affair that hold me captive; that make me feel like I am drowning, dying a slow, torturous death. I want to see myself again through the eyes of God. And to love myself simply because God loves me. To find my worth of who I am in Christ, not how my husband sees me. Nor by what his actions say about how he values me. And learn whatever I can to help protect me from this ever happening to me again. I own my part in the decline of my marriage. Now it is time to learn from my mistakes, from my pain; to let go and move forward in strength and beauty. God is bigger than all of this.

Beautiful

Submitted by Cynthia (not verified) on

Hello-
I read many of the postings but I identify most with yours. Thanks for writing it.
Cynthia

Healing. . .

Submitted by Skier on

I want to take parts of your writing and post them all over my house. What you have said is also what I’m wanting for me. Thank You!

Harboring hope drawing

Submitted by Kathy (not verified) on
I would like to take the HH class because even though we are EMS graduates, there has continued to be more disclosure and a relapse after EMS. The triggers are horrible this month, and I am wearing down.

Will I ever feel normal?

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

The question "when will i be OK?" - is never far away from me. Even my dreams have turned to battles. "Full disclosure" of a 7 year affair with my friend was placed at my feet 13 months ago. Though I no longer have to tell myself to breathe, the doubts, fears and struggles are with me every day - and night. My husband came with repentenance and we are working on restoring our marriage - but 2 thoughts haunt me continually. The first surrounds the fact that the affair ended because the OW's husband discovered it - and she decided to work on saving her own marriage. So, in effect, my spouse's choices were limited, and I often feel that I was the 'fall back" and not the chosen. The second thought is integrated with the first - if I was not 'enough' for him before - how can the mess of the person I am now truly be 'enough'? Despite his attempts to convey otherwise - I just don't 'get it'. Harboring Hope - perhaps it will offer some help, some understanding - and that is the reason for entering the drawing. For all I have read/seen on infidelity - so far the odds of surving such a long term affair - where my spouse was able to carry on a 'double' life for so long - doesn't appear statistically good. My one true hope right now is that God is able to do above and beyond all I could ask or think... for indeed - it will take His guidance and healing to survive this - and to ever feel normal again.

 

I am still sinking

Submitted by Mae (not verified) on
I found out about his affair in April of 2010. We went to a Christian counselor and nothing changed. We had individual counseling and nothing changed. First, he stopped the affair and he was remorseful. Then for every relapse, communication and silence there was no remorse, no empathy, just more silence. He makes me feel like I deserve everything he has done to me at this point and I am sinking further and further. I know God has something bigger for me and have prayed to leave but keep receiving no. I need this class to take care of myself and my boys and to exist at this point. I'm not sure how someone can say they want to be married and have no remorse.

Betrayal

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I feel that I could benefit from this course because my husband of 33yrs has betrayed me for over 10 yrs. He has been involved with at least 2 women. I confronted him a couple of times only to be met with denial. I wanted to believe him so badly. He has since left me and has filed for a divorce. I'm having to watch my spending so to win this would be a real gift.

It has been a year and 1/2

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
It has been a year and 1/2 since finding out of the night mare, that my husband of 30 years, had been and still was involved with affairs for the past 6/7 years. We had a few short seperations and of course he bounced back and forth from me to his then current partner. It has taken a lot of hours of reading, praying, researching, counseling to get me where I am today. My anxieties are easier to handle, my weight is coming back. I held on and fought for my marriage and we are still together, he is currently working with a phychiatrist and there are times that he says he is not sure whether he wants to be married or single. He works out of town during the week and you can not even begin to imagine how one slight memory from the past can turn me over. I am constantly trying to not over think things because my mind can go crazy. I would love for the both of us to work on a program together to help heal from his affairs and most importantly to put an end to his sexual addictive personality (which he does not think he has). He will not go to counseling with me and when I suggest a program such as this one he shuts me off and won't talk about it. I tend to get the silent treatment whenever I bring up anything to help us heal...I have learned to bite my tongue and do not ask and rehash all of the questions that I have wondering around in my head, because this just has not helped. I really want to work on this program and hope that I am choosen as my husband shuts down any $ I want to spend on helping us.

Stuck

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

It has been nearly two years since d-day, and yet, here I am. I need to reach out and get some understanding and guidance from people who have been there. I still have some ground to cover in order to heal. There's just so much pain to go through and while we had some counseling, I feel like I got left behind. 

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