When Stephanie and I were trying to move through our crisis, one of the barriers we had to work though was how to make amends. It probably comes as no surprise, but there was no way I could get her to believe me when I told her I was sorry.

I’d say, “Honey I am so sorry,” and then she’d say, “Yeah you’re sorry alright,” or, “you’re just sorry you got caught,” or “you’re just sorry about what this is going to cost you.” I thought it ridiculous for us to be arguing over whether or not I was sorry because in my heart I knew I regretted everything I had done.

Later though, I figured out she was right. What I feared most was the loss of my marriage, which meant my primary concern was about what my actions might cost me, which meant I was still 100% self-centered. I later leaned that substituting the word “wrong” for “sorry” really helped. She never agreed when I said I was “sorry,” but she never disagreed a single time when I said I was “wrong.” Accepting responsibility for my actions rather than being sorry for them really helped, but it still didn’t provide Stephanie what she needed to feel my remorse for my actions.

I’ve since leaned that when I wound another it’s not about being sorry (which is self centered), rather it’s about grief. I had to learn how to grieve over what my actions cost my mate and others as well as grieve over what my actions cost God.

I also discovered how to express myself in a way that allowed Stephanie to hear me. The good news is my lack of perfection has given me over 30 years of practice and I think I’m starting to get pretty good at it.

I’ve created a short video to help those would like to learn how to make amends. Watch it and be sure to leave a comment and let me know what you think. Will this help you?