The Number One Issue And How To Recover From An Affair

Do you know the number one question couples ask in recovery? What’s the number one concern when learning how to recover from an affair?

I’ll let you know in a moment, but first I want share a story. When my middle daughter was in high school, she decided to be a cheerleader. I was fine with it; how could she get into trouble doing that? What type of trouble could she get into leading cheers, right?

I remember the first game sitting in the stands waiting for her début as a cheerleader. What I failed to consider was her size. Sopping wet she might have tipped the scale at 90 pounds, which made her the perfect candidate for the team flyer. When they threw my munchkin into the air, Stephanie had to use restraints to keep me from running out to catch her. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not the fact that the activity was risky; since she was a feather weight. I had thrown her high in the air thousands of times, but I trusted me. Now there were a bunch of girls I didn’t even know waiting to catch my baby. Lucky for them they made the catch, but I didn’t like it. I didn’t trust them one bit.

When I finally got to my little girl I grilled her asking how this could possibly be safe. She just laughed and said it wasn’t, but that she trusted her spotters. “How do you know you can trust them?” I asked. “Because they’ve never dropped me,” she replied.

I wonder if she would have felt the same if they had ever missed?

Now for the number one questions asked by couples on how to recover from an affair: “How do I ever trust again?” or “How do I regain their trust?” Engaging in a marriage after the affair is a bit like my daughter’s cheerleading. We desperately need to know our mate will be there when we need them. We need to know they’ll catch us if we fall, but affairs destroy all trust and it’s hard to imagine how that precious commodity can be rebuilt after it’s been destroyed.

It’s important to understand that trust isn’t a necessary component for recovery and surviving infidelity. You can always replace trust with lots of honesty. If trust is broken then honesty is the only commodity that will allow the injured mate to feel safe after the affair. Honesty serves as the first sign for the injured mate in determining if their mate is committed to the relationship. Safety has to be the goal, not trust. Creating safety lays the foundation for rebuilding trust.

How great would it feel if you could trust your mate again or if your mate would trust you again? It’s possible, but it takes time. Before that can happen you and your mate have to explore what happened and what made you vulnerable, and you need to see your mate taking the necessary steps to move forward. Without willingness from both partners to be safe enough for the marriage it’s impossible for trust to grow. Without the unfaithful spouse first trusting their mate with what happened it’s hard for the betrayed spouse to trust. Without a mutual understanding of the problem it’s impossible to trust your mate. Without a belief that things can and will be better in the future trust won’t be reestablished. Until you believe your mate understands your pain and that they grieve over what they’ve done to you it’s hard to trust.

Last week I set up the notification list for Harboring Hope (a 13 week course for the betrayed spouse).

This week I’m starting the notification list for the Emergency Marital Seminar Online (EMSO) Course. This 13-week course provides targeted interventions for marriages impacted by infidelity. It does one thing and it does it very well: it restores people to lives of meaning and purpose. Those on the EMSO notification list will receive free resources to help with marital recovery and also have the opportunity to receive a free EMSO course. There is no obligation to register for the EMSO course, but those on the notification list will get a chance to use some of the EMSO materials and decide whether it could be helpful.

As a bonus for registering for the EMSO notification list I am giving a copy of “The Shocking Truth about Trust.”

If you’re interested in finding what it takes to rebuild trust then you’ll want to read this report. Doing nothing will get you nowhere. Start the process of creating safety for your marriage.

Join the EMSO Notification List and get a free copy of The Shocking Truth about Trust

To healing,


P.S. You can trust again. Others have and you can. Don’t think it’s impossible. At the very least read The Shocking Truth About Trust and learn what it would take. More to come later.

Join the EMS Online Notification list and you'll be notified when enrollment is open, plus get bonus resources to help you in your journey.
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