Letting Go

I just remember standing in my living room yelling at the ceiling, “What now?! What am I supposed to do now?!!” It was two days after my husband left, and I was at one of my lowest points. I literally felt like I was climbing the walls. It was somewhere in that moment when I realized I had absolutely no control over the situation.

I had disclosed my affair more than six months before and then quickly got myself in counseling, started going to weekly recovery meetings and enrolled in a twelve-step study program. I was going through all the right motions attempting to figure out where I had gone wrong, trying to feel something. In all of that, though, I now realize I was doing nothing more than trying to maintain control of the situation so my marriage could be saved. I was more worried about my comfort level than I was about peeling back all of the ugly painful layers in the real process of recovery. I didn’t want to let go of control because I didn’t know what would happen if I did. I was terrified.

It was in my frantic searching for information about ways to get my husband to come home that I found Affair Recovery and realized that it was not just a way to get what I wanted. If I was going to do this, I couldn’t continue going through the steps of pretend recovery, I had to confront myself for the very first time, and I had to feel.

If you’re at the beginning of this awful journey, you probably don’t even know how you got here. You are terrified you are about to lose everything, and because of your selfish actions, you just might. Stop trying to get what you want, stop trying to maintain your comfort level. You have to let go and realize that you have absolutely no control. When you let go, you can finally start recovery for real, and you can do it not just to save your marriage but to save yourself.

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How did you help your husband recoverfrom your betrayal?

You mention a lot about YOUR recovery. What did you do to focus on your husband's recovery since he was betrayed?

I walked the recovery journey alone.

Hi, Anonymous, I focused on my recovery because my husband left right after disclosure and refused to communicate or participate. Rick mentions often that "my mate is not my problem, he/she is merely a reflection of my problems". I wanted to get better and though I could not undo what I did, I wanted to know why I did what I did and find the tools to lead a more healthy life. If you are on the other side of this, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Like my wife

You sound like my wife. I am still waiting her to get past the "I will do only enough to save my marriage and keep you from leaving." message. I love her, and I am sure that if she would commit to loving and work for a goal of connecting and being close, she would find the happiness she seeks. Trouble is, she is waiting for the happiness to find her and she may wait forever.

Letting Go.......

Pearl I commend you for being the ONLY woman betrayer on the BLOG! It is a leap of faith to put yourself out there with honesty. Lord knows it is difficult for society to accept a woman as a betrayer as apossed to a man betrayer. Women generaly loose their social and community standing completely. Not all the time , yet more so than a man. Just look up Infidelity web-sites for women that betrayed and are in recovery.....almost non-existant. Thank you again for your part with AR blog.


Not the only woman betrayer

I am as well, unfortunately. My husband was very discouraged that many books/websites are written by women about their unfaithful husband and it wasn't until we saw Sid Roth's show about the Bob and Audrey Meisner that we realized women were just as culpable and capabale of an affair as a man.  My story, unfortunately, was as a result of spending a lot of inappropriate alone time with my male friend and drinking alcohol together with a mutual attraction.  I had no idea this was going to happen and my husband found out through inappropriate text messages.  We are in the long, difficult journey of recovery through church marriage counseling and a lot of prayer.

Letting Go

My wife has been trying to manage her affairs for the past 3 years. She only very recently confessed the extent to what she had been doing all this time. I love her still but I don't know if she will ever let go and do what is required. She is controlled so much by her shame that I fear she will never truly address why she did what she did and get healthy. She only seems to want to avoid the pain. I am waiting on God to tell me what to do next. I will stay if He says to stay and I will go if He says to go.