Matt Monteverde I was an emotionally abusive, raging alcoholic, and I placed the blame for it on my wife. I was dealing with a lot of issues from my time in the military and law enforcement, and I used that as an excuse for my behavior. When my wife wouldn't validate me, I believed a lie and had an affair, which I only confessed to when I was about to be exposed. The results were catastrophic. I hit a rock bottom and had a spiritual awakening, deciding I had to show up differently, whether we reconciled or not. My wife eventually found Affair Recovery, and we attended the EMS Weekend. That program, particularly the lesson on empathy, was the breakthrough that opened “Pandora's box for healing” for us. It was the catalyst that taught us how to be a team again. Despite all we’ve been through, I can say with confidence that our marriage has never been better. Struggle: My struggle was rooted in my own issues. I was a raging alcoholic for a long time. I was dealing with PTSD from my military and law enforcement career, and I pressured my wife to cater to me. I was verbally and emotionally abusive. This led to incredible selfishness. When my wife stood firm and wouldn't cater to my behavior, my 'thanks' to her was to pursue someone who would validate me. I believed a lie that I needed this and ended up in a six-week-long affair. To add to the betrayal, I only told her when I was about to be exposed. When I confessed, I felt like I had killed my wife's spirit. It was catastrophic. I was consumed by shame. I used to make fun of guys who cheated, and now I'd become one. I felt like an immature little boy, not a man. Everything I thought I stood for—integrity, being a bold man—was null and void. Course of Action: After hitting rock bottom, I had a spiritual awakening as I realized I was the problem, not her. In that moment, I discovered a God who loved me more than I could ever fathom. I now realized I had to do every single thing I could to show up differently. After a few months of this, my wife got curious and found Affair Recovery online. She asked me to look at it, and that led us to EMS Weekend. For me, the single biggest discovery at the weekend was the lesson in empathy. I’d spent 25 years being non-empathetic in every part of my life. During one exercise, Rick had us separate and I had to draft a letter to my wife. As I started listing things out, I was just in tears. EMS Weekend had created this space for me to finally get curious about what she was feeling. When I sat across from her and told her those things, it created this beautiful moment of healing. She told me afterward, 'It was right then and there that I knew you finally got it'. That was the breakthrough. That opened “Pandora's box” for healing.Lessons Learned: Through this, we've learned how to be in a relationship with one another. We've learned to be on the same team. I've learned that healing is continued work. It doesn't mean we're exempt from attacks, from triggers, or from arguments. We just do it differently now. The path isn't simple, not at all. But is it worth it? 150%.Encouragement: If you're exploring this, you are probably in your worst moment, dealing with a substantial amount of pain, whether you're the betrayed or the wayward spouse. You're on your "trailer floor." The only thing I can say to you is: Get up. There is hope. If you have air in your lungs, there is a purpose for you. You are not alone. There are resources, and there are thousands and thousands of couples dealing with this, and God still has a purpose for them. You are no different. You have to be willing to go there, to enter a space of vulnerability, to break down the walls and allow that healing to occur. That's the win.
