Expert Q&A, EMS Online Launch Preview

Post your questions about infidelity or EMS Online as a comment on this page and we'll send out the answers to a handful of the questions on Friday March 20th, 2015.

Included in your EMS Online purchase, you will gain access to Rick's weekly video Q&A, as well as the Recovery Library. The launch is coming soon, Tuesday March 24th at noon CST, so don't forget to put it on your calendars!


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Stranded

Hi,
I know this is about recovery but my spouse whose affair I found out like 10 months ago which was going on about from 2 months before, keeps saying that they knows that there is a lot to lose from this but the heart is still with the other person even after knowing that the other person has another affair still active and is still married with a kid, has promised will get out of all that and work things with her soon. I am ready to work it out at any length but I am always dangled a lie to keep me momentarily blind on what is going on and given a false hope of relief, which I know is false. What needs to be done?

Family Members

We have achieved restoration in our marriage but how do we approach relationships with family members or friends (i.e. in-laws) who were affected by the betrayal and hurt of infidelity?

Moving

I would like to move away from our town so I don't have to see either OW (there are two) or worry about my husband seeing them. He does not want to move, says it won't solve our problems. It makes me feel invalidated and unloved. What to do?

Our children

Our children know we had issues in the marriage and separated for a time, so is there ever a good time or reason to discuss the infidelity with them? At what ages are they better able to process this without harboring a resentment toward the unfaithful spouse? Could sharing the story have a benefit for them later in life and prevent them from the experiencing the same mistakes in their own marriages?

Why did we move to Florida

Less then a year after we moved to Florida my husband was sleeping with his ex-wife. That was in 2012 and I didn't find out about the affair until January 2014. It was long over but I struggle with the fact that he had an affair at all but even more that it was his ex-wife. Why her? And even though he swears she was not why we moved to Florida I find it hard to believe. How do I believe she was not the reason? We moved out of Florida in October 2014. He has no contact with her but I still struggle with questions of why her?

no chance for saving my marriage

I was excited to discover your website and I have read everything I can read for free. I was blindsided when my husband confessed the affair, but he had already moved out of our house and bought a new place to live with the "new wife." I was replaced before I even knew I was being fired. I believe our marriage is savable. The affair was brief and although his escape was well executed it shows very poor decision making, which is out of character for him. He has not yet offered any chance at reconciliation although he is showing some remorse. I have been disappointed that your website does not offer much advice for the abandoned spouse. I cannot live with false hope of his return but what is the best way to handle the big void and maintain some hope that there will still be a chance for our marriage?

My husband and I have gotten

My husband and I have gotten to a place were we don't know where to go from here. March 24th will be 2 yrs since d-day, and we still are contemplating did we make the right decision to stay and work it out! His profession is very stressful,because of that communication is not something he does at home very much! So he'll come home and not want to "deal" with the stress at home too, so where do we go from here because I'm afraid that this is how life will be forever unless we choose to divorce? I try to talk things out with him and he feels like because I'm talking about it then im never going to get over what has happened, but I to make him see that the actual D is not what I want to talk about it's what was going on leading up to it and trying to make sure we don't get to that place again, to allow it to happen again!!!!

Handling the Every Day....

I'm struggling to understand how to handle my every day interactions with my husband as he continues on the cycle of wanting to stay then wanting to leave and being ambilvalent. He knows that I want restoration in our marriage and that I am willing to fight for it. He texts me during the day just to check in, he calls on his way home from work, he calls if he's out of town for work, we sit together at night after the kids go to bed and chat or watch a show..... One day he says he needs to leave the next he's telling me how lucky he is, how wonderful I am and wrapping me up in his arms yet still admitting that his head is a mess. It's so confusing. I don't want to be a doormat yet I want to be loving and give him grace as I'm given grace daily. Do I just continue to love him as he wrestles with whatever demons are in his head? It's so hard to know when he walks in the door at the end of the day exactly who is walking in- my husband or this confused lost man. Do I walk up and hug him or do I wait for him to approach me? When we go to bed at night, do I wait for him to kiss me good night or should I kiss him? I feel like if I don't do anything then he has all of the control and could justify to himself that I obviously don't care if I never approach him/hug him/kiss him/etc. But on the other hand I don't want to because it could send him on the down cycle again, feeling guilty, unworthy, etc.
I love all of the articles on Affair Recovery but I have yet to find anything addressing the daily, every day things like this. I would love to hear your thoughts!

Should I ask for intimate details of the affair?

I have asked some very detailed questions such as where, when, how, how much etc. But then it seems I torture myself with the answers, and throw it back in my husband's face when I can't control the flooding? When we try to be intimate all I can think about is did he do this, did he do that, did she open her eyes and see what I see now, what or who is he thinking of?, and all I want is for it to be over! What is wrong with me that I want to know such details? I've read about so many couples that the betrayed spouse is still struggling after years of finding out about the affair even though they know it's over and the betrayer is now faithful. I do not and will not, some how, give years of my life to this "thing". I want it over and done with and move on with what years I have left as a happy and content woman and wife, not a victim of infidelity.

Disgusted

Three years ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl half his age for 5 years. We've been married for 25 years. I was devastated as i thought ours was a solid, solid bond. As you keep saying that most times when an affair comes out in the open a relationship may get even better (If worked on) than before!!! None of that has happened with me. He broke off with the AP and has kept his distance from ME too. As if i meant nothing to him.In spite of talking with him numerous times he has made sure that we don't bridge this gap. There is absolutely no intimacy, friendship or need for me in the relationship. This has affected me terribly and he seems to be going on with his life as normal.

EMS Online

My husband and I have both been unfaithful. We attended the EMS Weekend Dec 2012 after I discovered his affair. I was the hurt spouse for the weekend. During the weekend I confessed tidbits of my infidelity. Would you recommend us taking the EMS online course with him as the hurt spouse this time? We have not fully recovered or reconciled our relationship. I know he is still hurting over what I did and with my half hearted truths of my affairs. Would taking the course as the hurt spouse lead to healing for him?

My husbands 6 year affair

I found out at christmas 2013 about my husbands affair, why can't i move onwards, why is the pain still with me, why can't i find forgiveness, my husband acts as though it never happened and tells he has forgotten about it and just wants to get back to normal?

6 year affair

My husband had a 6 year affair with a woman who lived in a house at the end of my driveway. We have been married 31 years. I just found out about his affair last July 2014. He is reluctant to discuss details, tells me that he only saw her 4 times in 6 years, yet their to each other emails tell a different story. I am devastated. He wants me to forgive and move on.

When and how can you come to

When and how can you come to completely let go of the affair and forgive and forget as they say?

AP

Rick, I struggle with the AP and the fact she lives very close to our house. My husband met her "on-line" through a website that promoted affairs, so she was active with multiple men and had a history of affairs prior to hooking up with my husband. She was one of about 4 women my husband met on this site, yet the only one he was emotionally attached to. The other women were "hook ups" and similar to "one night stands". This woman is married, 16 years younger, and has two teenage children. Her husband knows nothing about her affairs and she is thought of as a good "Christian" wife and mother. She called our house a few weeks ago as she found out that I had driven by her house. She immediately thew my husband under the bus in terms of his past affairs and claiming that she would use "pictures" to expose his behaviors if I were to blow her cover with her husband. She wanted to meet with me, and I declined. She said she had tried to break up with my husband many times, and he kept returning to her. I know that that's true, but she also used manipulation to keep him interested by sexting and claiming work men had raped her! My pain is beyond measure. I want to expose her to her husband, but then that puts our family at risk and the fact that she knows I know her personal history scares her from "coming" around. What is your views on the AP. Do you have women on staff that can share their views who have walked in our shoes? I think the WS wants to move forward and not look back at the craters that they've created due to their cheating. The BS needs to feel some control over what has happened to us and it's emotionally challenging to look at the AP and think of anything other than hatred and distain. In my heart and head I understand that we are to forgive...but it's very very difficult when we're still in the mind-set that these women would love nothing more than to return to our husbands and know that they "won" the prize...even if the relationship was based on lust and foolishness.

Feeling Special

My husband and I are working to restore our marriage. His affair occurred after 30 years of faithful marriage . My problem is how do we make special moments special again ? The things that were special to us making love, dinner on the beach, long car rides , etc etc have now become things that I no longer think of as making me feel special . They are now things he did with her too. How do I overcome that ? He says they are special because they are with me and is us so thankful that I am forgiving and still willing to be with him. He says He feels very special, I don't.

Feeling for AP

We are two years into recovery after my husband's affair. We've done counseling both marital and individual, an intense retreat, read books (Harly and Vaughn). My husband says he's sorry, he's chosen me, he wants it to work, but he still loves her. When and if ever, is it reasonable to expect his feelings for her to fade? He claims he knows intellectually the affair was based on fantasy, it wouldn't have worked out but because it didn't end badly ie: fighting, problems...just discovery and a decision on his part to try and fix the marriage. She's moved on and is in a new relationship. Unfortunately, he worked with the woman and although he vowed to get a new job, it took two years for that to happen. He's not been completely transparent with me about the nature of their 'work' relationship: muting me recently when her and another co-worker stopped to say hello. I'm so tired of the withholding of information and the feeling that I could never measure up to what they had. I know I can't, but it doesn't seem that he does.

Just Friends

It's been about 14 months since D-day with my wife's affair. My wife and I are still house mates and the parent are kids together putting on a good front as a married couple. But we sleep in separate bedrooms don't touch and never talk about anything serious. I feel so stuck because she has never shown any interest in working on us. I have considered moving out to press the issue, but I don't wont to and I can see being away from her helping at all. What your opinion on moving out if your getting along and any other suggestions for getting unstuck.

Stuck

My husband has been cheating on me our entire relationship, prior to and throughout our marriage. He has had sexual encounters with numerous women. Lots of sexting, oral sex, porn, and masturbation. Has had lead this secret life since his college days apparently. He has come clean and wants to work on the marriage. However his coming clean was in bits and pieces over months and months. He still works with some of his partners. We live in a very small town. So I know every person he has been with, and he literally has been with or at least tried to get with every friend I've ever had. I guess my question would be how or is it even possible to recover and move forward when you know you will be faced with all the reminders daily?

Reliving it over and over again.....how do you make it stop?

My husband had up to 24 different affairs 20-30 years ago. He and I received counseling for his sexual addiction 20 years ago. He chose to come clean and do whatever it took for us to get through and past what he had done. For approx. 10 -12 years things were great...we had rebuilt a new life, established healthy boundaries, trust, safety...etc.. About 12-14 years later he went back to many of his old relationship patterns with women - just calling them 'friends'. Emailing, phone calling and meeting with them alone over and over again. Had no regard for my feelings when I asked him to please stop meeting with these women. When I asked him about the boundaries that he chose to put in place...his response was 'those don't matter anymore'. Plus he indicated that he really wasn't a sex addict that he just made some bad choices. WOW!! I am so confused about what is going on. I began reliving it all over again. It consumes at least 80% of my daytime thoughts (intrusive/unwanted thoughts) and nightmares. I can't seem to switch off these invasive, ongoing, unwanted thoughts - reliving it all over and over again!! Recently watched the movie "American Sniper"...and I could relate to the overwhelming thoughts that you can't turn off no matter where you are. I began sweating, my heart racing and my brain hurts from the constant adrenaline. Is there any help for getting past this? If so, what would you recommend?

Faithless

I want to forgive my husband. I want to move forward but he seems unable to show true remorse. He says he is sorry and if he could go back knowing the things he knows now none of the affairs (there where 3 in 20 years) would have happened. The first 2 occured before he was saved. The last one was the longest one and they where making plans for him to leave me for her. This one was after he was saved. Since D-day he has refused to go to church, pray, or anything. He says that God failed him because he prayed to be able to stop himself. He says that he does not even think he deserves Gods forgiveness. He has a hard time showing remorse, even to me. I have cried a river of tears over the last few months but he refuses to cry. He does not understand me morning the things that have been lost. He does want to truly repent to God and ask for forgiveness. And I think this has me stuck with forgiving him. He says he just needs me to forgive him and that is enough. But I know different.
I have had issues with depression all my life. Each one of his affairs happened during a crisis time for me. I am not sure that I have faith that he could support me if I was to ever have a major illness or accident. This keeps my in a state of I guess panic. In all the issues I have had I never had panic attacks until resently. My doctor says is a normal emotion for a post affair victim but I think it is link to my husbands choice to only cheat when I was clinically depressed.

My husbands affairs

My husbands story is very similar to rick Reynolds in the things he did over 7 years and the fact that he had a one night stand 5 years ago but then had an affair for 5 months which I found out about 2 months after it ended. It's now 15 months since DD and my husband has worked really hard on why he did what he did and his issues. We have worked hard on our marriage and we are much closer than we have ever been. However I still have that fear that someone that can behave that way for such a long time can suddenly have a wake up moment and swear to never do any of it again. He says he would never do it again because we talk to each other now, he feels free and that feels good. He also would never want to be that person and feels shame every time he talks about it. He even struggles to use words like cheated or lied etc. what are the chances that he could do this again or fall back into his old life?

How To Know When They Are In Recovery

How do you know when the unfaithful spouse is in recovery? It is hard to know when they are in recovery so that the faithful spouse can reasonably make decisions about their life (I.e., divorce, separation, trust again, etc.))

Is this normal?

It has been 10 months since d day. My husband has repented and is remorseful. I have forgiven him but i can't be sexually intimate with him because his AP was half our age and I feel I could never satisfy him now. Plus i will wonder if he did or said things to her that he says to me. We will be married 40 years soon but his affair went on for 3 years with our former niece-in-law! How do I get past this?

trust

After I discovered about his behaviour,questioned my husband about the frequent msgs from a number on his phone, he confessed about the affair. He mentioned that he has been ofloaded of the burden bcos the woman wanted to be second wife and he then wanted to call it off. He has not changed his behaviour, still comes home late,dont answer my calls, does not call when on work related sleep out, he still takes the phone to the bathroom to read msgs or news. He is forever having meetings with unknown ppl. When i ask for clarity on certain issues he calls the affair partner a non entity. I feel lonely in my marriage. Lately he does not take me along to some of places we used to go together such as funerals and parties.

Trapped because can't afford to divorce him

After 32 years of marriage I found out about my husband's 10 year affair with a woman he worked with. That was 3 years and we have been separated since. He has insisted all along that he never considered divorcing me and has always loved me. According to him the affair was just about sex and his selfish desires for pleasure. Eighteen months ago I discovered he was communicating with a woman from a different state where we had lived twenty years ago. After confronting him he eventually confessed to having many affairs for the past 26 years. I had become a stay-at-home mother when our second child was born 22 years ago. At age 57 I have no job and no income and 22 yrs since my last employment. I would not be able to support myself financially if I divorce him. I feel like I am trapped in a marriage with a completely untrustworthy man and no realistic option to leave. Can you address this frighteningly real aspect of so many wives staying in marriages because they simply can't financially afford to leave?

How do I see him as the man I love again?

Just like in one of the mentoring videos I was very careful in selecting my mate and allowing myself to drop my guard and allowed him in. I grew up learning to not trust men that they just wanted to hurt you and use you. My husband never fit that mold. Or at least that I what I thought. Discovering that he is capable of using me and using women for just sex has made it very difficult to trust him again. I feel like I am married to a person I do to even know. The man I loved and fell in love with not capable of hurting anyone like this, or so I thought.
How do I recover this?

unfaithful was unloved

I recently discovered my husband of 52 years has been in an affair for almost 40 of those years. At one point I had discovered them together and he seemed repentant so I forgave him and we moved on, or so I thought. Throughout our marriage he has been a good provider (workaholic) generous and kind. I knew he had been raised with a harsh father who had manipulated his children to the point of brainwashing them into harsh labor for him, the slave master. Of all 11 children, my husband received no encouragement or love from his father, and his mother had no time to show him much love due to the close age of the children. My husband knows he has harmed me in this behavior, but seems to be unable (as he always has) to show the proper feelings of remorse and empathy. It is like he doesn't know how to love since he never received it. Is there any hope he will ever be able to express love, not just to use only sex as the only expression of love?