I took some me tome today to read and watch the letter and video on the apology letter. Now Im laying jere in bed...alone....she's down stairs in "her room" and I'm up here in "mine."
Today was another day led be some irritation and resentment. I managed to keep my anger in check though and I asked for space when I felt the blood pressure rising.
See, whether she wants to or not, I have to keep on going. I don't have a choice. Doing it alone is just a fact of life. She just can't find the importance in a daily commitment the way I do. But, it's nothing new, I've been in this thing alone ever sence day one. The person I THOUGHT I was living with doesn't actually exist...nope, I made her up in my head as a way to not only enable her but also as a way to finally take a break from the loneliness of wanting a spouse and a friend.
Boy was I wrong. Of course, I knew this from the beginning...I knew she hadn't worked on her infidelities from her last marriage, and I also saw the signs that (as a result) she would bring these same values, morals, and goals into ours..
. I chose to overlook the obvious and not only gave her the benefit of the doubt (that she would work and fix the underlying issues causing the prior cheating and the current micro cheating) but at the same time I also allowed myself to make up who she was in my head so that I would have no reason to walk away before I had my feelings, heart, and future dragged into the mud. Boy was I wrong...
Wanna hear who I made up? OK, here goes...she was a Christian woman. Loved the Lord and put Him first EVERY day come rain or shine. She was a fair fighter. She would only argue if she had a solution and was willing to admit her own shortcomings. She was attracted to me and SHOWED it by her actions and flirting. She trusted me enough to be honest...and she trusted herself so little that she was able to call herself out on her own baggage so she can work to fix it....
That's who I made up...It's as if I partly assumed my wife was this way and partly figured that In the coming years, we would be growing together and would eventually be the person by default.
So who did I marry then? Well, that's actually pretty easy on e you know what someone "ISN'T." All you have to do is say..." none of those things." I don't need to spend 40 min bad mouthing her to the gang, Lord knows I did enough damage with this tactic to almost have the outsiders thinkin' that I AM THE PROBLEM! Isn't this how it works? The unfaithful is mostly calm and looks good from the outside lookin' in, while we (the betrayed) look like the problem child because we are yelling and upset "all the time?"
This is all I will share today. I NEED to figure out how i can get involved with this group and press forward even if al9ne. I have to. The letter thatjust citified I listened to Tony read tonight, it really mad me sad and alone. Why? Because for the first time, I actually heard what a REAL apology sounds like and this information (once again) gave me a starting point a d front row seat into the mind of a repentant spouse who Is truely ready to commit a d heal. She's NOT that.
I feel almost to tired to even care- but something keeps me reading, listening, and listening for the
APOLOGY LETTER
I took some me tome today to read and watch the letter and video on the apology letter. Now Im laying jere in bed...alone....she's down stairs in "her room" and I'm up here in "mine."
Today was another day led be some irritation and resentment. I managed to keep my anger in check though and I asked for space when I felt the blood pressure rising.
See, whether she wants to or not, I have to keep on going. I don't have a choice. Doing it alone is just a fact of life. She just can't find the importance in a daily commitment the way I do. But, it's nothing new, I've been in this thing alone ever sence day one. The person I THOUGHT I was living with doesn't actually exist...nope, I made her up in my head as a way to not only enable her but also as a way to finally take a break from the loneliness of wanting a spouse and a friend.
Boy was I wrong. Of course, I knew this from the beginning...I knew she hadn't worked on her infidelities from her last marriage, and I also saw the signs that (as a result) she would bring these same values, morals, and goals into ours..
. I chose to overlook the obvious and not only gave her the benefit of the doubt (that she would work and fix the underlying issues causing the prior cheating and the current micro cheating) but at the same time I also allowed myself to make up who she was in my head so that I would have no reason to walk away before I had my feelings, heart, and future dragged into the mud. Boy was I wrong...
Wanna hear who I made up? OK, here goes...she was a Christian woman. Loved the Lord and put Him first EVERY day come rain or shine. She was a fair fighter. She would only argue if she had a solution and was willing to admit her own shortcomings. She was attracted to me and SHOWED it by her actions and flirting. She trusted me enough to be honest...and she trusted herself so little that she was able to call herself out on her own baggage so she can work to fix it....
That's who I made up...It's as if I partly assumed my wife was this way and partly figured that In the coming years, we would be growing together and would eventually be the person by default.
So who did I marry then? Well, that's actually pretty easy on e you know what someone "ISN'T." All you have to do is say..." none of those things." I don't need to spend 40 min bad mouthing her to the gang, Lord knows I did enough damage with this tactic to almost have the outsiders thinkin' that I AM THE PROBLEM! Isn't this how it works? The unfaithful is mostly calm and looks good from the outside lookin' in, while we (the betrayed) look like the problem child because we are yelling and upset "all the time?"
This is all I will share today. I NEED to figure out how i can get involved with this group and press forward even if al9ne. I have to. The letter thatjust citified I listened to Tony read tonight, it really mad me sad and alone. Why? Because for the first time, I actually heard what a REAL apology sounds like and this information (once again) gave me a starting point a d front row seat into the mind of a repentant spouse who Is truely ready to commit a d heal. She's NOT that.
I feel almost to tired to even care- but something keeps me reading, listening, and listening for the
Until next time,
James