Thank you and the rest of the team for these blogs. A friend told me about them and they have been very helpful.\
I discovered my husband's affair 36 days ago. He had an affair 12 years ago, we went through counseling but I truly believe that I forgave too soon and he really had little consequences because I was so afraid of losing him. He has had several inappropriate interactions/friendships with women since then but this, I believe, is the first sexual affair in 12 years. He has broken my heart again and again when I find texts or emails to other women. I just seem to know when something isn't right. Not only have I told him that this hurts but others have told him that he is playing with fire. But he always does what he wants to do. While the first affair was purely sexual this recent affair was also emotional. They developed a friendship and it led to the sexual part. He admits that he was the one who pushed it. When I found out about this affair I decided, for the sake of our 14 year old daughter, to try to make it work. He was sleeping in the guest room, going to a counselor that was recommended to us by the pastor who married us, and also began Celebrate Recovery. A week ago I happened to pick up his phone and found an email to his AP telling her how nice it was to see her and that she looked beautiful as always. I kicked him out of the house and was truly ready to file for divorce. A trusted friend came over at my request because I was afraid he would hurt himself. This friend had been an unfaithful at one time. He asked me to tap on the breaks in filing for divorce so I did. My husband is staying with his brother and sister-in-law for the foreseeable future. I needed to get away so I am visiting a friend in CA while our daughter is on vacation with close family friends. He is staying at our home while I am away because we have dogs and other things that need to be cared for. I asked him not to contact me in any way until I returned from CA. I want to try to save my marriage. We have been married for 18 years and I do love him but I cannot live this way one more day. Enough, is truly enough. He says he wants to work on things but he has been a liar and master manipulator and I do not trust him at all. I have told him that he cannot live at the house until he can help me feel safe and that he cannot just be checking off boxes to satisfy me. (Within all of this he revealed he had been sexually attacked when he was in 5th grade and had never revealed it to anyone, although he did tell his AP, because I saw the texts) I am not sure I even believe that it really happened because he doesn't like being caught. His counselor referred him to a trauma specialist this week because he felt he was paralyzed and imprisoned by his own trauma and could not get past it, he was even so concerned about my husband that he considered referring him for inpatient therapy. (I have permission to communicate with him but of course he never reveals their discussions nor do I ask him but he had permission from my husband to share this with me) we will both be meeting with him next week to work on our marriage and hopefully my husband will see the trauma specialist. I am not totally sure that he's not being a drama queen because he's mad that I threw him out and he want his way. His brothers have told me to stand my ground. I am truly not sure he will do the work although my throwing him out has scared him.
So here is my dilemma: I want to sit down with him when I return and really be clear as to what expectations I have for him. I am beginning my own recovery work and as soon as I can, June 29th registration, I will be doing Harboring Hope. But if we are not living together right now how will I know if he is truly changing? Assuming he is not checking boxes and agrees to comply with my requests so I can feel safe, I want to re-open the door for communication and to see him some but I also want it to be he who initiates contact once I tell him I am willing to resume contact. I'm not chasing, nagging, sending him videos or babysitting him as Samuel says. I have drawn a line and I will stand by it, I have already accepted that this could end in divorce and I am very scared and of course grieving. I truly know that I cannot control what he does or does not do but it is very hard. How much should I open the door to him so we can begin re-building? If we aren't seeing each other everyday now and he's not living with me how will I know he's doing the work and be able to begin to trust him?
Sorry this is so long but I hope to get some clarity.
D-day -36
Thank you and the rest of the team for these blogs. A friend told me about them and they have been very helpful.\
I discovered my husband's affair 36 days ago. He had an affair 12 years ago, we went through counseling but I truly believe that I forgave too soon and he really had little consequences because I was so afraid of losing him. He has had several inappropriate interactions/friendships with women since then but this, I believe, is the first sexual affair in 12 years. He has broken my heart again and again when I find texts or emails to other women. I just seem to know when something isn't right. Not only have I told him that this hurts but others have told him that he is playing with fire. But he always does what he wants to do. While the first affair was purely sexual this recent affair was also emotional. They developed a friendship and it led to the sexual part. He admits that he was the one who pushed it. When I found out about this affair I decided, for the sake of our 14 year old daughter, to try to make it work. He was sleeping in the guest room, going to a counselor that was recommended to us by the pastor who married us, and also began Celebrate Recovery. A week ago I happened to pick up his phone and found an email to his AP telling her how nice it was to see her and that she looked beautiful as always. I kicked him out of the house and was truly ready to file for divorce. A trusted friend came over at my request because I was afraid he would hurt himself. This friend had been an unfaithful at one time. He asked me to tap on the breaks in filing for divorce so I did. My husband is staying with his brother and sister-in-law for the foreseeable future. I needed to get away so I am visiting a friend in CA while our daughter is on vacation with close family friends. He is staying at our home while I am away because we have dogs and other things that need to be cared for. I asked him not to contact me in any way until I returned from CA. I want to try to save my marriage. We have been married for 18 years and I do love him but I cannot live this way one more day. Enough, is truly enough. He says he wants to work on things but he has been a liar and master manipulator and I do not trust him at all. I have told him that he cannot live at the house until he can help me feel safe and that he cannot just be checking off boxes to satisfy me. (Within all of this he revealed he had been sexually attacked when he was in 5th grade and had never revealed it to anyone, although he did tell his AP, because I saw the texts) I am not sure I even believe that it really happened because he doesn't like being caught. His counselor referred him to a trauma specialist this week because he felt he was paralyzed and imprisoned by his own trauma and could not get past it, he was even so concerned about my husband that he considered referring him for inpatient therapy. (I have permission to communicate with him but of course he never reveals their discussions nor do I ask him but he had permission from my husband to share this with me) we will both be meeting with him next week to work on our marriage and hopefully my husband will see the trauma specialist. I am not totally sure that he's not being a drama queen because he's mad that I threw him out and he want his way. His brothers have told me to stand my ground. I am truly not sure he will do the work although my throwing him out has scared him.
So here is my dilemma: I want to sit down with him when I return and really be clear as to what expectations I have for him. I am beginning my own recovery work and as soon as I can, June 29th registration, I will be doing Harboring Hope. But if we are not living together right now how will I know if he is truly changing? Assuming he is not checking boxes and agrees to comply with my requests so I can feel safe, I want to re-open the door for communication and to see him some but I also want it to be he who initiates contact once I tell him I am willing to resume contact. I'm not chasing, nagging, sending him videos or babysitting him as Samuel says. I have drawn a line and I will stand by it, I have already accepted that this could end in divorce and I am very scared and of course grieving. I truly know that I cannot control what he does or does not do but it is very hard. How much should I open the door to him so we can begin re-building? If we aren't seeing each other everyday now and he's not living with me how will I know he's doing the work and be able to begin to trust him?
Sorry this is so long but I hope to get some clarity.