Anger

It has been 5 years since I heard my husband in our bedroom on the phone with a woman, several times calling her Sweetheart and Darling. When I opened the door and confronted him he like so many tried to convince me she was just a friend and it didn’t mean anything ( words that just fired me up even more, I understand most cheaters try to convince us of this.) I found out he’d been doing on line dating while he was working on the road.
I threw his belongings out the front door, told him to leave but then begged him to stay. I did things I never dreamed I would do sexually as well as physical violence. I still don’t feel like he told everything but I know he was seeing the woman on the phone almost a year along with others.
You probably will say I should have left him but shortly after I discovered his infidelity he was diagnosed with 3rd stage colon/ rectal cancer and was looking at a very serious surgery. After 47 years of marriage I felt obligated to take care of him. He’s had 2 other bouts with cancer and surgeries, chemo and radiation. I think I didn’t really believe (it’s hard to say out loud ) but I thought he wouldn’t be around a long time).
He recently had CyberKnife and seems better and I find myself feeling a lot of anger towards him.
I’m getting close to 70 and would love to find someone who would love me and treat me like his queen.
Jackie