It's been 14 months since exposure and disclosure of my wife's 2-year emotional affair and I still experience the daily disconnect and distance from my wife. No love, no desire, no cherishing or respect. Just distance and coldness as she tells me she is on her own personal journey with God and giving it over to Him to try and find a way to fall back in love with me.
It is a very hard, rough and lonely road to navigate. I wake up every morning pressing my pain and anguish into Christ knowing that my heart has yet to give unconditional forgiveness and -- in turn -- I am just like the servant forgiven the debt by his master in the Book of Matthew only to turn around and demand a smaller portion from my fellow servant and then being thrown into jail to be tortured and tormented by the demonic realm. Even though I beg in my heart to forgive both my wife and the youth pastor whom she was involved with from our church -- along with even the head pastor of our church who knew about the affair and did nothing for more than a year until I approached him and confronted the situation (and now we no longer attend that church we were so involved with as a family for 9 years, but the youth pastor and his family got to stay and receive love and healing while my wife and our family and I were left to forge ahead on our own). Yes there is plenty of resent and bitterness my soul has to heal from and I know the unforgivenes is a daily torture that I have to go through.
My walk with God is mysterious in that I have no idea where He is taking me. I don't sense a direction, I don't hear from Him (although that is because I am being tortured and tormented, too, for my lack of unconditional forgiveness). So I walk this journey alone as all friends have gone by the wayside and my wife remains disconnected though still living in the same house as me). We are just roommates going about our daily lives and it is pure torture to have to live with the woman I so love and long for and still desire while she has no feelings for me.
How does one navigate all the whys and what ifs that plague the mind, heart and soul? I know I shouldn't even ask these questions and I know the only reasons I am in this position are because I spent the first 20 years of my marriage putting my wife as my No. 1 over God and she felt smothered and saw me as needy and clingy, which turned off her respect and love for me. I also became very angry at God for quite a few years as I battled bouts of unemployment and could not provide for my family, placing the burden (even to this day) on my wife to be the provider for our family.
Just praying constantly for God's direction, patience, goodness and grace as I try to navigate through this forest of emotions that engulf me daily and to quit hitting the trees that keep popping up in front of me! I want God to receive the glory for everything -- especially for eventual reconciliation with my wife in a new and redeemed marriage covenant!
Trying to navigate the forest
It's been 14 months since exposure and disclosure of my wife's 2-year emotional affair and I still experience the daily disconnect and distance from my wife. No love, no desire, no cherishing or respect. Just distance and coldness as she tells me she is on her own personal journey with God and giving it over to Him to try and find a way to fall back in love with me.
It is a very hard, rough and lonely road to navigate. I wake up every morning pressing my pain and anguish into Christ knowing that my heart has yet to give unconditional forgiveness and -- in turn -- I am just like the servant forgiven the debt by his master in the Book of Matthew only to turn around and demand a smaller portion from my fellow servant and then being thrown into jail to be tortured and tormented by the demonic realm. Even though I beg in my heart to forgive both my wife and the youth pastor whom she was involved with from our church -- along with even the head pastor of our church who knew about the affair and did nothing for more than a year until I approached him and confronted the situation (and now we no longer attend that church we were so involved with as a family for 9 years, but the youth pastor and his family got to stay and receive love and healing while my wife and our family and I were left to forge ahead on our own). Yes there is plenty of resent and bitterness my soul has to heal from and I know the unforgivenes is a daily torture that I have to go through.
My walk with God is mysterious in that I have no idea where He is taking me. I don't sense a direction, I don't hear from Him (although that is because I am being tortured and tormented, too, for my lack of unconditional forgiveness). So I walk this journey alone as all friends have gone by the wayside and my wife remains disconnected though still living in the same house as me). We are just roommates going about our daily lives and it is pure torture to have to live with the woman I so love and long for and still desire while she has no feelings for me.
How does one navigate all the whys and what ifs that plague the mind, heart and soul? I know I shouldn't even ask these questions and I know the only reasons I am in this position are because I spent the first 20 years of my marriage putting my wife as my No. 1 over God and she felt smothered and saw me as needy and clingy, which turned off her respect and love for me. I also became very angry at God for quite a few years as I battled bouts of unemployment and could not provide for my family, placing the burden (even to this day) on my wife to be the provider for our family.
Just praying constantly for God's direction, patience, goodness and grace as I try to navigate through this forest of emotions that engulf me daily and to quit hitting the trees that keep popping up in front of me! I want God to receive the glory for everything -- especially for eventual reconciliation with my wife in a new and redeemed marriage covenant!