It is 3 years since discovery and that is really the only marker. I feel like a yo-yo on a roller coaster at times. I am so glad that you wrote this article because it validates what I feel and have been feeling...I cannot be rushed or told to heal. I cannot heal and stay in the marriage if I am the only one doing work on recovery. My unfaithful husband could not be there for me after discovery as he was in the midst of prescription pill addiction unknown to me. Another lie that I had to deal with only 5 months after discovery. He blamed the pills for the affair. They distorted his thinking. They were the reason he started a relationship, emailed women, was into porn and search sites. I had to wait for him to get not only physically clean and sober but mentally and spiritually. I thought I had to only be deceived again that he was working his program. He was not using but he was not working on his recovery. The anger I received from questions was heartbreaking. The push to trust again and heal now was even worse. I showed me that there was not remorse for the actions but remorse that he got caught and did not want to deal with it. I felt like I could not trust his answers to any question, even with our first therapist. He wanted to shove it under the rug and just jump on the lump in the middle of the room to make it go away. It doesn't work that way unfortunately.
I had gone to Harboring for Hope and Alanon. He finally started to do the right things in his program and started to grow and change into the man I know is in there. This past Fall I felt like we could get to the point where I could have some closure on this and walk into that room to turn out the light and close the door. BUT once again he lies and keeps secrets about prescription pills and I HAVE to find out again. Lies upon lies upon lies follow the truths that I lay in front of him. I told him to go to rehab or we have to seperate. He is off to rehab today.
I forgave him long ago but I cannot stay in a marriage that there is no trust and no disclosure after all this time. I want to make it work but after all of this how is it possible? I just want to have disclosure and move on...is that reasonable?
Time is only essential when there is willingness and honesty
It is 3 years since discovery and that is really the only marker. I feel like a yo-yo on a roller coaster at times. I am so glad that you wrote this article because it validates what I feel and have been feeling...I cannot be rushed or told to heal. I cannot heal and stay in the marriage if I am the only one doing work on recovery. My unfaithful husband could not be there for me after discovery as he was in the midst of prescription pill addiction unknown to me. Another lie that I had to deal with only 5 months after discovery. He blamed the pills for the affair. They distorted his thinking. They were the reason he started a relationship, emailed women, was into porn and search sites. I had to wait for him to get not only physically clean and sober but mentally and spiritually. I thought I had to only be deceived again that he was working his program. He was not using but he was not working on his recovery. The anger I received from questions was heartbreaking. The push to trust again and heal now was even worse. I showed me that there was not remorse for the actions but remorse that he got caught and did not want to deal with it. I felt like I could not trust his answers to any question, even with our first therapist. He wanted to shove it under the rug and just jump on the lump in the middle of the room to make it go away. It doesn't work that way unfortunately.
I had gone to Harboring for Hope and Alanon. He finally started to do the right things in his program and started to grow and change into the man I know is in there. This past Fall I felt like we could get to the point where I could have some closure on this and walk into that room to turn out the light and close the door. BUT once again he lies and keeps secrets about prescription pills and I HAVE to find out again. Lies upon lies upon lies follow the truths that I lay in front of him. I told him to go to rehab or we have to seperate. He is off to rehab today.
I forgave him long ago but I cannot stay in a marriage that there is no trust and no disclosure after all this time. I want to make it work but after all of this how is it possible? I just want to have disclosure and move on...is that reasonable?