Adding to

I resonate with this, as the unfaithful, unfortunately.

It's been just about 10 years since my physical affairs. I say that because I did not pursue an EA at all. I'm not sure that is any better at all.

For me, my H says that he also doesn't know what I lie about or tell the truth. I try to be as truthful as possible currently, but since I carried on my lies for nearly 9 years (02/2023 was DDay), he can't believe anything I say. That's completely fair for me.

We are trying to make amends because we do love each other, but it's been really tough to move forth. We started with marriage counseling last summer, but the therapist didn't jive with us. And it's an area that we lack these folks. I started individual therapy back in Oct, and did that for about 6-7 months BUT the cost of it was stacking up quickly, even with whittling my sessions down to once monthly. Personally, I really feel I needed to go every other week at least. That's neither here nor there.

I also get very upset when he brings it up, and I don't know why. I have disclosed everything that I remember, and that sounds terrible but I pushed the entire thing back so deeply in my mind I'm not even sure what I'm missing. There's a lot of blank spots in my memory so I'm not sure what to do with that.

Fact of the nature was, we were very young, I was incredibly dumb, he went home to his country and trusted me and I broke it entirely. I'd like to say I was just physically lonely, so lonely when he had to leave. And when I started, an affair was not even my goal! But yet it happened. I never ever thought I would be that person. I loathe myself everyday because of the hurt upon hurt I caused him.