thank you for this. This explanation of amends really resonated with me and the comments about the ways of showing remorse(such as crying) and having difficulty speaking, yet knowing we must talk, and share what we are feeling as the unfaithful--- it is like you are talking about me. I know how important it is to make amends through SINCERE action more than words.
I am the unfaithful, D-day 6 months ago, my husband of 18 years has been wonderful in so many ways and he is worth everything I can do to show amends. The words "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it with him. Showing by action is what is helping, slowly. Some days seems like we are back at square one, there will be a trigger, or a few bad night's sleep in a row, and we will be back at the first week. Which can be frightening, since it is unpredictable and it is traumatic and so painful for him - I believe he has PTSD in reality- he has loss of time, etc. during these episodes and is so upset & angry he shakes and doesn't know what he's saying. It is such a loss of security for him that I cheated. Then he feels remorseful for saying such ugly things - and I always tell him he has every right to have these episodes- I never argue with him or defend myself anymore and I stand in it, stay with him- I don't walk away. What I did is indefensible and once I realized I should not argue or defend myself or try to explain when he is in this trauma mode, that I need to show amends by listening, touching him if he will let me, reassuring him that I love him--- consistently answering his reasonable questions---that made these episodes lessen and become less severe. It took me a few months to evolve from being defensive, scared and reacting with anger into being open to his pain and feeling it completely and I really think that set our healing back some. It doesn't make me a doormat, as some of my friends and family have suggested, nor is it abusive- for me to really be empathetic, to really change who I am and understand how deeply I hurt him, I know I need to feel and listen to his pain, repetitive as the words may be. This website has been a huge help to me, and thank you for all who participate.
Amends
thank you for this. This explanation of amends really resonated with me and the comments about the ways of showing remorse(such as crying) and having difficulty speaking, yet knowing we must talk, and share what we are feeling as the unfaithful--- it is like you are talking about me. I know how important it is to make amends through SINCERE action more than words.
I am the unfaithful, D-day 6 months ago, my husband of 18 years has been wonderful in so many ways and he is worth everything I can do to show amends. The words "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it with him. Showing by action is what is helping, slowly. Some days seems like we are back at square one, there will be a trigger, or a few bad night's sleep in a row, and we will be back at the first week. Which can be frightening, since it is unpredictable and it is traumatic and so painful for him - I believe he has PTSD in reality- he has loss of time, etc. during these episodes and is so upset & angry he shakes and doesn't know what he's saying. It is such a loss of security for him that I cheated. Then he feels remorseful for saying such ugly things - and I always tell him he has every right to have these episodes- I never argue with him or defend myself anymore and I stand in it, stay with him- I don't walk away. What I did is indefensible and once I realized I should not argue or defend myself or try to explain when he is in this trauma mode, that I need to show amends by listening, touching him if he will let me, reassuring him that I love him--- consistently answering his reasonable questions---that made these episodes lessen and become less severe. It took me a few months to evolve from being defensive, scared and reacting with anger into being open to his pain and feeling it completely and I really think that set our healing back some. It doesn't make me a doormat, as some of my friends and family have suggested, nor is it abusive- for me to really be empathetic, to really change who I am and understand how deeply I hurt him, I know I need to feel and listen to his pain, repetitive as the words may be. This website has been a huge help to me, and thank you for all who participate.